I’m not a bad person. I’ve done bad things, but I’m not a bad person. My life has been pretty straightforward: I see what I like, I position and strategize myself, I go in for the kill and I win. I always win. In academics, business, money, relationships, romance…
I had a good rapport with females. I had lots of them coming at me in droves. And why not? I was young, funny, charming and generous (excuse me for sounding immodest). However, I never dated any of them. I did the occasional friends with benefits thing and nothing more. My friends thought I was weird. Just pick one, they would say. I tried explaining my reason for holding back, but none of them seemed to understand. So I bowed to pressure and dated a girl called Morenike. Worst mistake I ever made in the dating department.
The relationship ended barely after a month and I’d wasted her time and hurt her more than she deserved. Needless to say I was branded a player (if you are rolling your eyes at this point I completely understand). You are probably wondering why I’m commitment phobic. I’m not. I just believe that if I go into a relationship it has to mean something. I had to love her deeply and she had to be… special. My friends laughed at me whenever I said things like that. You’re dreaming, they said. You watch too much movies, they said. Why don’t you go out with Cynthia or go back to Morenike, they said. Nobody understood me and I began to wonder if what I wanted was a fairytale. Maybe it was time I grew up.
And then it happened.
I met her in church. It was one of those rare moments when I wore native attire and I was to give a testimony in church. After the testimony of how God had been good to me and my family and friends, which was met with appreciative applause, I went back to my seat. That was when I saw her. She was seated directly in front of me and my friends. I felt an immediate attraction to her. Her unassuming poise, her graceful long neck, the wistfulness in her eyes – perfection. I noticed two of the friends talking to her and I wondered how it was that they knew her and I didn’t. The rest of the service passed by in a blur. The pastor might have been talking to himself for all I cared. After the service I swung into action. I got her info from one of my friends as well as her phone number. I met her two days later and turned on my charm. Her laughter was music to my ears.
It was fascinating…
The more I got to know her, the more I became attracted to her. In my heart I knew she was The One. I had never felt so in sync with anyone before, so inexplicably drawn to another human being. Not seeing her was like keeping marijuana from a junkie. I’d never felt so vulnerable before. I don’t even know if I’m making any sense. But that is not to say that we were perfect together. We argued a lot, sometimes seriously, sometimes jokingly, but we never let things fester too long. We had a lot of great laughs together and were comfortable enough to act stupid in the presence of each other. It was everything I’d hoped it would be.
One night I worked up the courage to talk to her. I took her hand and I told her how I felt - everything.
I am in love with you.
She sat quiet for a very long time, not saying anything. When she opened her mouth, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. She said I was a great guy, and (this part reluctantly) that she was starting to feel something like love for me. However, she was seeing someone else. More elaborately put, she was engaged. I laughed instinctively. Engaged. She can’t be engaged. I remembered she had hinted this before, but I had waved it aside as one of those things women said to test or gauge the seriousness of potential suitors. I mean, we had shared so much precious moments together. We had shared a kiss once and it felt real. Engaged. Somehow, I knew she wasn’t joking but at this point I was in too deep.
We spent the next few months together as we’d always done; being silly and being there for one another as well as the occasional kisses and make out sessions. I never pushed for sex. It wasn’t what I wanted. She was special. Every once in a while I’d remind her of how much I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I promised not to make her cry, and heaven on earth. To my surprise, I meant every word. I understood her situation. She had a tough decision to make. She didn’t want to lose any of us. She loved me, and she loved the other guy. Hell, she was engaged to him! She said her situation was complicated and that I wouldn’t understand. What was there to understand? I’d found the love of my life and yet I couldn’t completely have her. The pain I felt is inexplicable.
Once, high after a few bottles of beer with my guys, I called her up. After our usual banter, I broke into my usual tirade of how I loved her and how she should give ‘us’ a chance. As I was talking I didn’t know when I started crying. She hugged me close and we both started crying. I was shuddering violently and hating myself for being so vulnerable and pathetic. Me cry? The mighty has truly fallen.
She still didn’t say yes.
As months blurred into months, it became obvious that I had a decision to make. She loved us both, but she had an allegiance to the other guy. She’d met him first. They’d shared things that I and she would probably never share. She would never choose me. It hurt to face these truths but I had to. My love for her was bordering on obsession and I hated myself for caring so much. I stopped calling her and withdrew all my attention. Cold turkey. She made an effort to have me back but my decision was firm. Better to hurt now than later. I wanted what we had to be real but it wasn’t. I couldn’t pretend any longer.
Now I wonder if my friends were all right; that I was living a fairytale and watched too much movies. Maybe. I don’t know what to think anymore. In my heart I still love her and don’t think I could ever love anyone so deeply again. It hurts too much. Every day I struggle not to dial her number. I know I made the right choice. Thankfully, I’m reverting back to my old ways; charming, intellectual, generous, and careful. If there is one thing I know so well, it’s knowing when to walk away. I’m fine now.
P.S – My heart bleeds
________
Eddie Steeze blogs at http://9ja-dejavu.blogspot.com/
Awwwww. I think you made the right decision. Best to stay away before it gets too messy. But the girl sha, why would she lead you on that way even when she knew she was/is engaged? What did she stand to gain? I guess one person has to take the responsibility and you just did. Kudos. You will be fine, time heals wounds and these kinda wounds, time will def heal.
ReplyDeleteI really didn't know what her plan was. About time healing all wounds, i don't know, but i definitely learnt a lesson.
DeleteBut plz I wud like 2 kno if it was a girl in he's shoes? Walking away aint dat easy nd u may not b dat lucky 2 find a honest guy dat wud tell u he's seeing sum1 else so wat will a girl do?
DeleteYou made the right decision by walking away. Doesn't the word engaged mean that one is off the market? And then she still led you on? Don't worry, you will be fine!
ReplyDeleteI think it meant something to her otherwise she would have chosen me over him. It's ironic how life will give you everything except that which you really want.
DeleteWalking away is always painful, but it saves you a tonne of regrets.
ReplyDeleteI know... But it still hurts sha
DeleteThis is a very touching story.Like every other commenter has pointed out,you made the right choice.I was in a situation very closely related to yours,and i cried more than once.But like you,i was determined to continue with my life because i realized that what we shared wasn't real also.Right now,however,i am in a relationship and almost engaged even.I have found love again and so will you,just don't stop looking.
ReplyDeleteCrying in front of her was something i never thought i'd do. It made me realise how much she meant to me. I've moved on sha, or at least i'm trying. I met another pretty lady a while back but the prospect of romance is something i'm really wary off. Thanks for ur input
DeleteGlad you walked away. She never was yours to start with and it was a bit unfair of her leading you on, but, you need to move on. And you will find love again, maybe even when you least expect it. And it will be a beautiful thing!!!
ReplyDeletefunny my friend was in this situation before she was the girl torn between the "engaged" and the new guy.The new guy called her fiance up and told him she was not interested again but dint no how to tell him cos she dint want to hurt him(smh)they are married now.... the new guy and my friend with 2 beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteWow... There are two things i can deduce from this. 1. I think the girl didn't really like the fiance but didnt know how to break it to him. 2. The new guy knew this.
DeleteI believe its a decision the girl should have made by herself. Either way, what is done is done
woah!
ReplyDeleteAaawwwwww, sowee hun. But this kinda sounds like karma (wonder how many hearts u broke during your promiscous days as a player). Anyways, good thing you knew when to go cold turkey. Its really difficult but trust me you will find true love in a measure you never imagined possible. But you don't have to go back to your old ways since you have tasted what it feels like to genuinely love someone. All you need is time to heal and soon you'll get your groove back.
ReplyDeleteRead LETTING GO on http://lynnville.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/letting-go.html
lol you took the words right out of my mouth! yep definitley sounds like Karma!
DeleteI won't disagree with u both. Maybe it is.
DeleteLetting go can be difficult; it'll take time but you'll be fine. Love is a decision, she has to make a choice. You may never love anyone that way or you may experience a deeper and stronger type of love. Please don't close your heart to that possibility.
ReplyDeleteWill try not to. Can't help feeling like i won't let myself love anyone so deeply though.
DeleteWhat can I say? It was good you walked away.. you'll find love again if you let yourself...
ReplyDeleteI hope so hun.
Deleteits always good to know when to walk away even if it hurts. let urself to love again, and pls don't make reference to the past as it might kill the future
ReplyDeleteaww, that's sad, but i really don't think it was fair for her to lead you on since she was engaged, maybe she wasn't sure. don't know we women can be complicated..pele , you be fine just give it time Cupid will strike again..
ReplyDeleteWow, that surely does hurt!
ReplyDeleteBut don't give up on love...when you find the right person it's beautiful.
The way I see the situation is that you both were not straight forward from the get go...but it was def a lesson learned...don't punish other women because of it and remember that you had a role to play as well. *hugs*
RElationships are painful because everyone has motives / agendas and you never know whether for good or bad. I always made myself the promise to never let my disappointments change who I am because when you meet the real person, your disollusions will cause you to miss them. I'm glad I did despite the men who crushed me because when I met the one, he got the benefit of who I am instrinsically, that being a good person. No matter what happens, don't allow your sour experience to dull you of possibilities and don't believe that you will never love again. T is only through such experiences that you learn to appreciate the real thing when it comes along. This one wasn't real (at least not for her). Tismis judgmental on my part i thinkshe was keeping her options open....
ReplyDeleteI think so too
ReplyDeleteRoflmao ... God forgive me for what I'm about to write but what da heck....the writer comes across as the narcissistic -i'm all that and no girl can resist me ego inflated type of male. I know they say don't kick a man while he's down but buhahahahaha...look at him going oh I saw her and fell in love, oh how cute, but..dude u were just in lust and u went after what u liked, if she had not been engaged it would only be a matter of time before u realize she's "un-special" like those other girls. Brother it's not love, ur ego is just seriously bruised right now. Yes u might have liked her a lot, but please get out of here with that "I'm in love" thing. It's just hard for you to realize u aint all dat after all, no human being is, but unfortunately we don't realize this until life teaches us hard lessons. If I were you I would take this as a humbling experience and learn from it. You need to calm down and learn that you do not always get what you want and it's not always about the charm, looks, brains or money you posses. I'm amazed u feel the girl will just dump her fiancé for u just like dat...u must really think u r brad-Pitt, bill gates and Boris kodjo all rolled in one..come on brother....slow down and stop feeling u r a gift to women...(that's what I get from your write up, I might be off)...rather start learning u r not perfect and u have flaws and weaknesses that some woman out there could help make up for. Goodluck bro.
ReplyDeleteYou are very off, as i've never considered myself as God's gift to women. But thank you for your input.
DeleteI understand your hurt - been there but it seems like you reaped what you sowed also. God will heal you.
ReplyDeletei kind of relate to what i read up here, i met the same guy basically same characteristics like you, he told me he wants to date me , but does not want to be in a relationship yet,unless it is leading to the altar, i didnt really understand what he means, in full context ,so decided to go with the flow, he ticked all my boxes in the right places and we were dynamite together,til i noticed, he couldnt seem to stop flirting on bbm, one moment,he is the best i could ask for, and the next i will feel like am walking on my head, i wanted to break it off but i just keep missing him, then one day, after a date,we were arguing, he told me,if he likes my best friend, of course he can date her and sleep withy her, that it is own happiness that matters, i really took things easy with this guy becos he said ladies have hurt him,i wanted to prove to him ,all ladies aint same,one moment,everything was fine, and the next, he is telling me,that he has met someone else he will like to shag, that he is bored with our relationship and though am nice and all,but something is missing,that the problem is not me,but him...........i just let him go.am still missing him,we dated for just 3 months.i just realized he was never worth me,just all i do is to think,was i not woth loving?
ReplyDeleteSweetie u are worth loving,dnt let any1 make u think or feel otherwise.d first tng u av 2 do is to learn to truly love yourself cus until u luv urself wholeheartedly u would always sell urself cheap jus so sum1 can luv u.I once had my heart broken by d kinda guy u described,he jus walked away from a 4yr relatnshp witout any excuse/rison.it hurt so much I tot I wld die,I asked myself if twas sumtn I did or said dat caused it,I actually considered suicide jus 2 escape d pain but den 1day I accepted d pain and I stopped fighting and den I realized I was worth loving and twas his loss,I've since moved on and forgotten and now his back pleading but I jus laugh in his face.so neva sell urself short,men can easily detect wen u av self-esteem issues/insecurity and dey use it 2 exploit u,be free n luv urself first above evry1 else sooner/later d right man would waltz in and sweep u off ur feet.
Deletewhatever jor..... lol.. i have been in ur shoes before.. except he was not engaged. the truth u will move on. the pain will heal, I did alot of praying couldn't do it myself.
ReplyDeleteU will find someone new again, u will love them and enjoy them in a different way. And u will always remember her not as ur first love but the one you thought was ur first love and led into the hands of someone more beautiful..
Its happens to the best of us.. so chin up and get healed... xoxoxoxo.
I'm in d same shoes as yours and I've been thinking of walking away for sometime and your story as rily inspired me.myself and d new guy are both in committed long term relationships and we care about each other sooo much but u can't fight d history n commitment we av wit our different partners plus its unfair 2 them. so I'm walking away cus now we av bcum so bitter knowing we want each other so much and yet we can't av it.sick of d 'if onli I had met u 1st'and d hurt I c in his eyes weneva my bf calls n vice versa,luv shouldn't hurt so much.life always finds a way to screw us up and lyk sum1 said earlier'it happens to d best of us and sum of us weren't meant 2 end up wit d pple we luv.I guess sumtyms wen u truly luv sum1 d best thing to do is to let them go.
ReplyDeleteDude i can relate, forget all that karma rubbish, i know many bastards that are with great women that they dont deserve. I too only get into relationships that will lead to marriage, if not we can "see" each other till she gets tired of not being taken seriously, which is guaranteed to happen. But even though you're a heartbreaker these ladies will respect you for not lying to them. All the girls i've messed with love me to bits and still cook for me occasionally cos i NEVER mislead them.
ReplyDeleteNow take it from an experienced playboy, ive been in love 3 times (each time i was gonna propose until they messed it up). Theres's PLENTY fish in the sea, just chill and she'll appear. Never look for love cos you'll marry the devil, just wait...patiently. In the meantime enjoy yaself, cos when you find her it's game over buddy.