This is a situation that has always intrigued me especially since I have found myself in that scenario a couple of times. You meet a guy and you are friends for a while, and then you notice that he wants to be more than "just friends". This is the typical nice guy, he won't rush to jump your bones, or to define a romantic relationship. He only showers you with attention and affection. You name and he will do it, or has already done it. What will he not do? When I was in Uni, a guy said he would do anything.
"Anything?" I asked.
"Yes," he said.
I told him to lay down flat before me. Don't judge me, it was youthful exuberance and fresh memories of reading Estella in Dicken's Great Expectations. But guess what? The guy did. Let me not lie, it was very heady and sexy. At the end of the day, I still turned him away cos he was in first year and I was in second. There were a couple more times it happened. A very handsome guy, but not as smart as I wanted. One that was very caring and helpful, but not of the economic level I'd been brought up to expect.
We all have our lists, and I'm a big supporter of knowing what you want and sticking to it. But there are people who will love you so much and show it so well that you become confused. Maybe they even match half of what you're looking for. What do you do, throw out your non-negotiable and love them back?
Oh Myne, please don't do this to me right now. This is the least kind of words I want to hear/read :)
ReplyDeleteBut why do the 'not so optimal' ones know how to play their cards right?
Actually, I think I'd hate myself if I wasn't a little picky. It would be like anything goes and that would really suck for me, for sure.
been in such a situation before, was trying to channel my mum's advice of date someone that loves you more than you love him. I think i didn't understand that i had to also love him to an extent...lol
ReplyDeleteIt's not settling or being picky, the heart always wants what it wants. Afterall, we don't see men marry or date women they don't love just because she loves them a lot :)
So true.
DeleteIn my opinion, the right thing to do is to follow your heart. If you feel a connection to someone and realize that you care about them enough to give it a try, then go ahead. No matter who that person is, or if he does or doesn´t fill your whole list of epectations,
However, if you feel that you're just doing him a favor, then it´s best to step away, because a person´s heart is not something to play with. In such situations, you should try as hard as you can to be honest with yourself and let your feelings decide.
The only thing i can say is to understand not only what you want (or don't want) but why you want it. Its all good to stick to your preferences- i actually encourage it, but i think sometimes we have these dealbreakers and non-negotiable stipulations and we don't even know why or have a good reason for them.
ReplyDeleteaaw no Myne...you didnt! I was actaully a victim of this syndrome. I was crazy about this girl in school but never had the guts to approach her...when I eventually did, she half-heartedly decided to try it out. She later called it quits cuz she found a 'better guy'. Fast forward to 4 years later, we met and she started wanting it for real and even flaunted possibility of marrying me...unfortunately, I was engaged!
ReplyDeleteI call it the 'Assistant Boyfriend' syndrome. Its a bad place to be. According to Mr Raw, na correct spiritual conji!
Hummmm...MS Myne!!
ReplyDeleteOkay... we cant love every1 that loves us se, I am a great believer in loving what you have though, i think most people waste too much time waiting on something else.
Your website locks up my computer but I managed to get on today after 10 minutes of frustration. LOL...I don't know why it complains so.
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to say thinks for stopping by the blog.
T
I know you said not to judge, but Myne you wicked oh! J/k
ReplyDeleteI'm still laughing at the poor guy who had to lie down.
@MsJB, I'm not one for anything goes, one has to have their standards, but are some standards really necessary I wonder? Maybe we have one or two things to learn from those "not so optimal" ones?
ReplyDelete@Rebirth, but isn't that what most men do? They choose the woman who shows how much they care for them over the playing hard to get ones?
@Lady Ngo, true talk! Most of us just set up this barriers cos society says so without really examining it. I have found that some so-called deal breakers are only to satisfy what we think our peers agree on.
@Afronuts, The assistant boyfriend syndrome is on another level entirely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I'll tell them to move on, and quickly, lol...
ReplyDelete@9jafoodie, loving what you have. That is very deep indeed. What's the need of pining over some unattainable goal when you can be happy and content on what you already have? Especially when it has to do with long term relationships?
@Tirzah, I really don't know what's going on. Others have said the same too, and I yet can't figure it out. Thanks for coming over.
ReplyDelete@Azuka, you had to go there, LOL...
Learning to NOT sucker for sympathy love, the "Oh, look, a broken-winged bird, I will heal him with my love."
ReplyDeleteI recently made a list, and it's pretty wide open. I think my dealbreakers (not currently MARRIED to another woman, not incarcerated or bat-shit crazy) are reasonable... but I just might budge on the too much younger (or older) man. If he's cute enough.
I'm laughing at the image of the poor guy lying down there on the floor. The crazy things people do for love! But one shouldn't compromise one's standards when it comes to Love for sympathy's sake. It's almost like eating poisoned food because I feel bad for the Cook who has worked hard all day to prepare it.
ReplyDeleteI find this sooo funny. Poor Estella, bearing the blame for your power rush!
ReplyDeleteWe've all had this kind of guy in our lives. Ones that we wanted to love but just couldn't because there was no challenge.
ReplyDelete@Beverly, I think that's very reasonable.
ReplyDelete@Lara, lol...as for the poisoned food, no can do very well.
@Mismeddle, the things we do in the foolishness of youth :)
@Ciara, true. Thanks for your comment.
This love always everywhere huh..
ReplyDeleteThank God I havent been in such situation of pity date abi I was blunt and shewd the person away..
All I say have your standards or principles, make sure its approved by God and stick to it...That way you avoid the highway to misery
Haha, i have been in this situation many times and somehow i just believe its my mindset, if you are not cool enough abeg move to the left. Love is a choice, it is not by force and i am lmao @ "assitant boyfriend syndrome"
ReplyDeleteit's kind of passion,when you get into it,you get into it,to make a judgement is not easy or good..maybe,relax,and just love ,
ReplyDeleteI guess we easily miss the ones that love us but get frustrated for the ones who are not so attentive to us..
when we lost,we regret,can't see why
To answer the question, re-evaluate the "non-negotiables". If they are really that important, well, stick to the "list". Each is on a case by case basis.
ReplyDeleteUnveiling Gold, highway to misery, I like how that sounds, lol. I agree with you though.
ReplyDelete@ Honey, love is never by force, such a love will die before it is began.
@Romwe, welcome to my blog. You can say that again. I guess it's very natural for us to be very selective when it comes to choosing our long term partners.
@Honeydame. True word.
I tell you i've loved for sympathy's sake before,it wasnt good at all,so i'd say no to that. I also think the heart sometimes wants what it wants and you can actually end up loving someone who doesn't neccesarily fit your list.
ReplyDeleteNo - I've never loved for sympathy's sake. And I have to say I don't have a list either. Not at all... thank goodness as it has allowed me to be swept up in a very special relationship that I cherish (though it seems he did not fit my family and friend's lists for me!)
ReplyDeleteVery interesting post
Lx
I have a list that i think is pretty much realistic. There are just some things that I can't compromise. I have "mothered" my boyfriends in the past and also loved out of sympathy and it wasn't the best way to go. I'm now older, wiser and smarter.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what I think. I used to have a list and then I met someone who deviated from it a bit and realized some of the things I wasn't as passionate about the things I wrote on the list. Makes me wonder if a list might just be a fantasy of what we want and could possibly unrealistic. Possible I'm wrong.
ReplyDeleteMyne, this one is a hard one o.
ReplyDeleteI donno...timing is a big part and so is that list.
I've found myself trying to like a man/men just becuz he/they like me. Its so uncool, cuz when I think back, it's just sorta cruel...cuz u're leading the guy on just cuz u're getting confused.
It pays to just jejely stay away and wait till u can find mutual feelings in someone.
Definitely easier said than done
Love and attraction are so unpredictable
ReplyDeleteSuccessful arranged marriages illustrate the fact that love can develop when a woman is treated right
Ive been there before n we just broke up after 2 weeks. No amount of pity can keep a relationship if you re not really "into" the guy.
ReplyDeleteBut u wicked sha o........poor guy.lol
This has happened to me..and it ruined the friendship.
ReplyDeleteI don't think i have ever had a list sha, i just always wanted a good man, looks have never been my priority as i have dated short and tall guys, dark and fair guys plus fat and skinny guys.
ReplyDeleteUnlike some correct chics, my ex'es have nothing in common with regards to their looks.
9ja foodie is right on point, i believe in loving what you have.
Ms. Whitman, have you been peeking through my window? Hehehe... This is PRECISELY the situation in which I find myself. But I'm like you: I have determined that I will wait for someone I really and truly love... It's tempting though, to give in to someone who you know loves you so much and has proven it, even though you wouldn't typically go for them...sigh.... :)
ReplyDeleteI can see I am not the only one going through this right now.
ReplyDeleteNothing to say, except sometimes one may have to teach one's heart how to love right..#being real or managing? I dont know.
sometimes love like that is questionable. Is it real love or infatuation. I beliebe love is a good thing, I mean it makes both parties do well in everything they do. That kind of love can turn into - oh baby I am not going to work this week because I want to see your face = no fish or bacon on the table for that week. Love shouldn't be foolish. lol
ReplyDelete