Presently, I am in a relationship where i don't really feel ok. He seems to be a cool guy with me amidst his friends and my family but sometimes i count it as pretense. I have heard stories about marriages, that things change in it like the feelings and the love dies, to the extent that I've thought of opting out.
We have been together close to 2yrs now and he has already proposed to me and our parents both know about the relationship. I tried breaking it off twice, but he kept pulling me back and convincing me that all will be well. Sometimes i don't know what to think. My main problem is he does not really spend money on me.
As if he saw me that I am not demanding, and i don't ask so i believe he took advantage of that. Worse is that he is always asking money from me, and I sometimes give him. I know he is not wealthy, still trying hard to make ends meet but I don't like that he asks me. That's why i believe he's a pretender, and stingy.
It makes me want to leave the relationship sometimes because I just keep thinking that this attitude of his will continue in marriage. It will be so bad if he does not change? I'm sorry but I'm very curious and I can't help but to give anything happening around me a double tot. Do you think I should remain in this relationship? Am I just having trust issues?
Darling, ure already in doubt. That's bad already, it means ure already unhappy and marriage should never be a patch work because according to your vows you are expected to spend the rest of your life living happily together and not in misery. Don't expect people to change for good in marriage, it is better to even expect worse and if things are already bad by your standards you can only imagine how they will turn out eventually.
ReplyDeleteI'll say this, your happiness is key and should be at the forefront of your marriage agenda. You can make someone happy if you are not happy. If the money situation is the only thing that bothers you, why not talk to this man, tell him exactly how you feel. Let him know that you feel like ure being used. Fine it may or may not erupt an argument but still the message would have been passed across. Please never hold anything you feel in, if ure not the confronting type, you can send him a text or write him a note or an email, but please get your feelings out to him.
Goodluck on whatever you decide but make sure any decision you make is one that guarantees your happiness.
the fact that he's asking money from you is worrisome. I agree with Real8, your happiness matters a lot so if you are not comfortable and you are having struggles confront him ok? Best wishes!
DeleteI concur with real 8.
DeleteI will also add that sometimes its not the money, its the gesture, i.e. offering to pay half of the bill, or transport fare etc. You know the going out of your way... if in doubt, back off and think clearly. I don't like the idea of him asking you for money however little or small, some men are just too proud to do that. Which is cool, as the woman has the option to offer.
True... if you're already doubting the relationship at this stage when y'all aren't even married yet then it's best to stop now. Else, speak to him like real8 suggested and see if he's willing to change
DeleteI don't necessarily expect a man I'm in a relationship to spend HEAPS of money on me, but if he's asking me for money all the time? Yeah, I would be worried! I pride myself on being an independent woman, and currently I have no 'dependants' I have to provide for. I wouldn't want a man I'm dating to become such a dependant!
ReplyDeletedont gointo a marriage thinking the man would chsnge. if he is stingy by your definition and it bothers you this much then KAWA.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you for free it would become magnified during marriage
I agree with Real8. Make your feelings known and see how he reacts. If he doesn't change now, he cannot change after marriage. Please do not expect a man to spend loads of money on you. If he remembers special days like your birthdays, Christmas, Lover's day etc and gets you gifts, then he is not stingy. But, asking you for money??
ReplyDeleteLet him know how you feel and see how it goes.
Thanks, I agree with your level headed approach, if it can work is another thing.
DeleteI also agree with Real8. You must speak now, politely though, to let him know how you feel. Agreeing with Eya too, you should avoid having the notion that the man must spend endelessly on you as a mark of his love.Things should be done with considerations for eachother, only then can a relationship survive happily.
ReplyDeleteYou have no reason being in the relationship as far as i'm concerned.You already are in doubt and he's obviously not the kind of person you want so just opt out.A typical man would be too proud to collect money from you.
ReplyDeleteWhat Real 8 and eya said. If he is stingy now he will be stingy after marriage. Personally a guy asking me for money especially small money doesn't sit well with me never has maybe if he was executing a contract and was short i would consider helping after verifying all the details i don't play with men and my money. He probably asks you because he know it is easier to get it from you than elsewhere. I know someone who married a stingy man in the rush to be married before 30 she knew ignored it four years down the line she is footing most of the bills in the house and always borrowing money and yes he has a job.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to know is this, what does he do with his money?
DeleteMy dear that is the million dollar question we have been asking ourselves! He is so stingy he can probably buy a new car if he wants to but he prefers to drive an old beat up car! I really feel sorry for her...
DeleteI pity her too. Me I can't deal, period!
Deleteyour comments have really helped me cos am actually going through the same thing,in my own case,it gets to the extend where i have to borrow money from my friends to lend him and he never pays back so i end up paying my friends from my own pocket and he knows fully well that i am not earning much and that doesn't bother him.most times he calls me to please help him pay some money to his siblings promising to pay it back into my account but that never happens.i have talk and even quarrel about it especially cos he made me borrow money from a friend to give his parent promising to pay me back one week after and its over 3 month now and he still hasn't paid me back.am beginning to withdraw from the relationship cos i cant seem to trust him with money and that's somehow affecting my feelings towards him cos i feel if he loves me as he claims then he should treat me that way.he claims to work but seem to always be broke even periods when we know salary has been paid.do u think he's just stingy?
ReplyDeleteI think he's simply lying about having a job. And to sponge off you like that, he's worse than an infidel.
Deletegirl, do you really have to marry this dude. I tire for this mentality of I must to marry by force.
DeleteIt is not rocket science .... not that he is stingy ... in fact he is using you ....you are a mugu to him.
@ Anon 9:18am, to answer your question,he's not just stingy....he's bloody stingy! You need to step back from this relationship and start thinking properly. He is using your little finance to service his own financial obligations to his family and you are still asking. Wait until he marries you( you are probably going to foot the bill for that as well!),then you will see the kind of financial demand he will be asking of you.
DeleteI concur with real8, since you're having doubts already, then don't bother or else your happiness will be at risk.
ReplyDeleteRunnnnnnnnnn..... As fast as you can
ReplyDeleteYou have to accept the very real possibility that he won't change. He could get worse. No one's perfect but if you can't live with that particular imperfection you have got to get out. Some women may not mind so much but sweety if you do, it will be a problem once you're in each others face 24/7. Personally I don't like that particular trait and I wouldn't dare live with it. But that's just me :)
ReplyDeleteI don't expect guys to spend millions on me but each of us has to be self suficient and I like that he can be able to spend without it being like pulling teeth. I don't like men who mooch off women, especially the woman they claim to be dating seriously. Guy, please!
ReplyDeleteWhenever you are in doubt, please pause and reason out the situation you are in. I agree that you need to have a chat with him. Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him? Don’t go into marriage with doubts. Settle all grey areas. If he never changed the two times you attempted breaking off with him, obviously he’s not going to change any time soon.
ReplyDeleteDating is an oppportunity to assess a person's suitability for you. Assess,not Accept.
ReplyDeleteSharing your life with and spending your money on someone you love should come very naturally.
I really think you should take a break from him without discussing it with him. Talking to him about it will only make him manipulate you into staying with him, and his behaviour may change for a month or so.
Tell him what you observed, and why you are leaving. In that way, he will take you seriously if you decide to take him back because he knows you are independent of him and understand what you are worth.
I say tell him. If you don't you'll probably go through life wondering...Tell him you're not comfortable with his attitude towards sharing...Sharing is the crux of marriage. You're going to spend your life with the man...maybe...so you must know..
ReplyDeleteBreak up with him. If you can do it right now, please do. Why? Let me count the ways:
ReplyDelete1. He is asking you for money and you are giving it to him. This is a HUGE red flag, honey!
2. You've tried to end things before, but he has "drawn you back". Read over those words again and tell me you don't think a relationship should NEVER involve drawing, dragging, or stagnation of any kind?
3. If you guys have been dating all this while, and he is still stingy, he's going to be stingy for evermore, world without end. Marriage doesn't magically erase courtship problems; it magnifies them a hundredfold. Which is why so many successful couples thrash out these things before they reach the altar.
4. To borrow/paraphrase the memorable words of Sgt. Gutter on the Boondocks..."YOU A GROWN ASS WOMAN!" None of your concerns should just be blithely swept aside like they aren't valid or they're silly. Discuss ANYTHING that bothers you with him NOW, unless you want to cut your losses and break up.
5. Pls take Ms feferity's advice and cut him off cold turkey for a while and see how you feel. And see how much money you save, as well!
6. The bitter truth is that a man introducing you to his parents doesn't mean squat. Guys usually do that to tie a lady down. Once she meets the family, she feels like she's a shoo in for marriage, but it doesn't always follow automatically, my sister. You pin all your hopes on him marrying you , on the basis of having met his family, and other guys come and go, not even talking to you because you've tied yourself to this man.
7. I speak form experience. I was dating a guy on the same salary scale as me. I used to spend on him more than he spent on me. I met his extended and nuclear family and I thought we were a sure thing, until he moved in his woman into our flat! Don't compromise on what your gut tells you, please!
8. Not really advice, but an apt analogy my brother gave me. "Never let a man with okada block your bus stop (where the man is the okada and you are the bus stop), when there are Hummers out there looking for where to park.
Shikena!
lol...I love that last part, lwkmd
DeleteMy long distance boyfriend does not buy me birthday presents or Christmas presents or even send cards. I finally told him that this hurt my feelings. He does spend money on airfare to come see me a couple of times a year. This year he said for me to write him a Christmas list because he didn't want to be in trouble. But his attitude was so negative that I just couldn't write a list telling him what to buy me. It isn't the stuff. It's the motivation and thought and love I'm looking for. He could make me a mud pie and Id be happy. I asked instead that we change a trip we had planned in the spring so that I could see my daughter for a day. He said that wouldn't work. I'd wanted to give him a way out of buying a present. Then I asked him if he's ever given presents his whole life and he started on a rampage about how holidays are just commercial crap. (My birthday is not a holiday - especially around him.) I said that little presents are a way of letting people know that you CARE about them. Anyway I was so hurt by his attitude that I told him to get fd and hung up. I don't want to spend my life with a man like this. Too painful. I don't want to beg for crumbs. It feels horrible.
ReplyDeleteChewing gum boyfriend. And there I was thinking women have come again with their for sale love. Abeg go find serious minded guy joor.
ReplyDeletesweet heart, i have being in that type/kind of relationship before. I quitly opted out few months ago cos, it will be much better fr me that way than regretting much later. I hate the fact that guys of our generation feels it confortable making fequent demand fm their girl. Am sorry for my use of language but that's the hard truth. He was always requesting probly bcos I work in a bank or something. What got me irritated was the singular fact that I flew in fm abj to Lag to see him all on my expenses. I needed to make my hair it was a tough of war on how much I need to make my hair with. Like seriously? The second one was wen I was returning back to abuja, what I got as my transport was 4,500k I mean 4,500k on the dot no addition no subtraction. Olorun! He went to a transport company himself to find out how much it is fm lag to abj!Damn!!! I got to know its all my fault cos I dnt ask him for anything, he wanted us to get married, I lied to myself refusing to see d black n white picture dangling on the wall. What I was interested then was marriage!. I would hv been married but definatly not happily married probly we wuld have contributed money both naira and kobo to buy the ring,and the marriage that isn't life. I dispise guys who clouch around their girl asking for money like she's an Atm.
ReplyDeleteI was in a similar situation for close to 2 yrs until i ended everything last wk.i am a final yr student & my ex ws almost done with school wen we met.i understood den dat he wasnt workin n i neva made any demands from him bt he seemed not to have any problem asking money from me all the time even after he graduated.i come from a comfortable family and bcos i luvd him i felt it was ok to help out somtimes.bt it got to a stage i startd gettin frustrated bcos he made me feel guilty weneva i refused to help.i was fine with him not givin me money or even paying for my T-fare weneva i go to his place bt i couldnt understand how a real man will b so comfortable asking for money from his gf that is still a student without eva paying back.i was so worried that i had to talk to my mom abt it pretending it was happning to a friend and she gave me good advice. It was a hard decision i needed to take cos i knew i was goin to miss him so mch.well i am glad i did cos snc den i feel as if a burden has bn lifted off my shoulders....my dear i think men who do dis have no shame and no woman wants to spend d rest of her life with a shameless man.BE WISE!
ReplyDeleteI HAVE BEEN THROUGH the exact same thing, all our friends and family knew we were planning a wedding so it was hard to break it off, even when i try to leave him he will beg me to stay eventually we married. The only solution was to eradicate the problem, i told him clearly that i have helped his business long enough and since it did't work, he should get a 9 - 5 job while i do a business for myself along with my 9 - 5 job, i made it clear even before my salary came through each month that i had plans for it the next month etc 6 months of this drama he has finally started looking for a job.
ReplyDeleteLadies my advise is, from day 1 do not do it except you are ready to go on forever, in my case he wasnt stingy or extravagant he just wanted me to work and fund his fancy businesses that were not well thought through, tried it for years it didnt work then retracting became a problem because he refused, i had to resolve to lying and occassional fights before he got the message
Na wa so all the women here don't know that the equality you've been fighting for comes with a price? Women have been mooching of men for centuries so I guess it's our turn..we still tryna catch up you know..on a more serious note, if the table was reversed I don't think a man will sit down and go "dear myne" over this issue..please you women should pay up eh
ReplyDelete