I'm currently in an abusive relationship and the sad thing is I find it difficult to break out. He's someone I have come to love. He's my future.
We have been dating for close to 4 years now and there's no month that passes by without him abusing me. He fits into huntley's definition of a bad guy. Just recently, I caught him red handed having sex with my cousin but still, I love him. I know many of you would rain insults on me for being foolishly in love with a guy who treats me anyhow but the truth is is we've both come a long way and each time I feel like breaking up with him I just find myself not being able to.
He is the one who deflowered me and letting go of him would only cause more pain. I'm confused as to what to do. Something tells me if I break up with him I will never be able to love another guy. Please I need your advise. I'm a lady who's hurting. I feel less than a woman because of this guy.
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PS - This came in under bad boys and those who love them. I think we can all agree she should leave, great comments will be those that present practical steps that will help her make the decision. And yeah, no raining insults either.
The pain will just be momentary. You have no business being with that guy. You're just scared that's all! I'm sure that's what that banker woman was saying till her husband beat her to death. You need to leave while you can
ReplyDeleteHey love, i'v never been in an abusive relationship so i cant judge you by saying i wont do the same thing you're doing now but one thing i know is that dude doesnt love you..he doesnt care about you one bit, he is only there because he can get you anytime he wants. Please leave now while you still have life in you..I know you'v read of cases where ladies were beaten to death by their partners.please take all the little strength you have and move on
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with @B. You need to get out of that relationship. I actually thought of dropping a mail for Myne because I just went through something similar, I just broke up with my boyfriend cos of the religious barrier between us and I'm hurting really bad right now. I did it, I broke it off at last cos I can't marry someone who doesn't share the same faith with me. I'm gonna get lonely along the line, miss the attention he showered me, and of course go back to square one and bear the single tag again but I know its for the best. Perhaps he's not 'the one' after all. So dear, break it off, don't let your fear get ahead of you. I would have judged you immediately or called you names but I totally understand, it's not easy at all, and it's not gonna get easier but u just have to do it. Pls leave him alone, he is definitely and obviously not your 'prince charming'.
ReplyDeleteBtw Myne and co, I'm still very sad, any words of encouragement:(
U did not specify the different churches you both attend. If you are both christians then I dont thing that its wise cause it seems like you are discriminating. I am in the same boat too but we are both christians. I know my family will never want to accept him but I don't see myself dropping him cause of church when he is good in all other aspect. This days to find a man that does not think cheating is right and does not hope to n also respects me n is crazy about me is not easy so now I have found one I won't let go. So have a rethink except d his church is a no no
DeleteExcuse my errors my keyboard is bad
Shaday, first off, come here :) Wondering what that warmth was, that was me e-Hugging you, LOL. I may not know exactly what to say, but know you have women standing where you've been and who passed through it too. Take it day by day, and keep positive with good books, music and friends.
DeleteAwww! Shaday (btw I looove the way u spelt your name) come take some shugah! (In Madea's voice) mmuah! And a BIG hug! You are actually a lot stronger than you think you are. You deserve better, cos you're a princess, the daughter of a King. You've taken a bold step, you know what you want out of life, and God's going to make sure everything in this blessed earth work out for your good! Cheers hon!
Deletei'v never really understood this deflowering gist o! anyways as someone that has been in a physically abusive relationship for 6 years although the abuse started in the 4th year,i understand the whole i know i should go, i want to go but i can't go thingy.
ReplyDeletei can categorically tell you that this guy is not your future, and you will be able to love someone else and trust me someone out there will be able to love you as you deserve. i remember, in my own case, listing his good side and justifying it to myself that the devil i know, the grass always looks greener on the other side, i dont know what is out there, noone can love me as he does. LIES and LIES babe.
practical steps.
1. Acknowledge you deserve better, make a list of your strengths and read it to yourself in front of the mirror
2. break up with him
3. cut him off completely (he'l beg, emotional blackmail you, etc so do not give him any opportunity to even talk to you or call you, delete his text without reading if you can, when i broke off with my ex, i dint talk to him for three months, which is what it took to get over him, he stalked me everywhere even the office)
4. Distract yourself in anyway possible (go on a vacation, immerse yourself in work, go on dates, have a fling, whatever rocks your boat)
good luck
@Doll took the words out of my mouth.
DeleteI was in a relationship years back where the guy told me repeatedly that no one else would love me like he would...yet, he was still sleeping around. Practical things are:
1. Shift focus from your boyfriend to yourself. Like @Doll says, cut him off completely. Change numbers and delete ALL his texts. Need to get him off your system cold turkey.
2. Understand that no one can love you more than you. You have to learn to love yourself. Speak out your strengths and beautiful nature everyday, even when you don't feel like. Tell yourself, "I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am loving, I am a great listener...etc". Soon enough, you will see that YOU are much more than you thought you were.
3. Form new friendships where you can grow and learn more about yourself. You can join a youth group in Church, do community service, volunteer your time at a children's home, etc.All these allow you to focus on others who need more help than we do, which helps the healing process.
4. Leaving him and loving yourself is a process. What kept me going was knowing I was stronger and less hurt as each month progressed. There will be a time when the memories of what you are going through will fade and you will be your happy and bubbly self....just focus on that.
Thank you both for this, God bless you.
Delete@Shaday as long as you have peace in your heart that youv made the right decision, there is nothing much that can take away your temporary yes temporary sadness, cuz morning comes after every night and time truly does heal all wounds.....
ReplyDeleteSit it out, im sure one day (soon hopefully), you will be glad yo took the bold step to walk away
@ Myne i have been getting this blog is in french, do you want to translate it, whenever i come to your site for a while now, is it a me thing?
ReplyDeleteMe too!!!! Every single time!
DeleteOK, I have no idea what is going on. Will do some small investigation.
DeleteThis is something a good number of women are passing through. When I first read this, I had to check again if you mentioned at any point that you were married to him. I noted that it is only a relationship and I heaved a sigh of relief.
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is that you know the relationship is abusive and you accept that there is a problem. Questions you should ask your self are: Do you love him or are you with him because you are afraid to end up alone? Are you ready to live the rest of your life as a battered woman? Would you like to end up in the grave as a result of his beating you? Do you deserve what you are getting in this relationship?
Honey, you must understand that he doesn't love you (unless theres a new definition of love different from the one in 1st Cor 13)and you can't change him. Please do yourself a favour and walk away now before it is too late. I know a family friend whose sister died from domestic abuse and her husband is walking the streets, a free man today.
It's going to be difficult in the beginning. He deflowered you....well, you need to get past that. Please acknowledge that you are a beautiful woman who deserves better. Fill your mind with such thoughts and obviously you need to work on your self esteem.
My dear is better you back off,all you need is to be determined,it happened to me too but mine was not abusive.i was pratically doing everything for the guy for 5yrs he was jobless,he gave me the excuse that he was expelled from school for a crime he knows nothing about and his parent are late so i believed him.he was my 1st so i was ready to go extra mile for him feeding,buying him clothing and cooking sometimes to the extent of paying his rent all i get from him was sleeping with me.all this while i just got admission into university so the money i was spending on him was for my allowance and the few tips i got from my parent.we were just gisting one day nd he said he is so sure i can never break up with him cause my life is tied in his hand.i felt used that day and vowed to break up with him.
ReplyDeletewhen i told him am leaving he said he knew i will come back begging cause that is what i always do i felt worthless,all i just did was break my sim instantly and moved on waled out on him it was not easy,i cried for so many weeks but i was determined to survive without him. after 2month he came to my office asking for forgiveness with an engagement ring i walked him out and that was the end.it was afta i broke up with him that i found out that he was neva a student and he also has a baby so u can imagin the betrayal that makes me to be more determined that it was so over btw us.after 18month of staying single i met a guy who showed me what real love is we got married after courting for 6 month and we have a baby and am so loving my life.my dear is not abt d years u spent togeda once your man doesnt respect you that means you his toy please your happiness matters and is better u break up with him before he decided to break up with you.
Good for you girl, so happy your story ended on a good note
DeleteStaying with him means you are bargaining for perpetual abuse and continous heartbreak. But leaving him now can only bring momentary heartbreak, no abuse and a much healthier life in the future. I ve come to understand one thing in life, we can only live everyday of our life just ones. So, every single day you live in pain and absue, know that there are other ladies out there living their's with love, happiness, fulfillment,respect and name it....... Babe you can be one of them, and that's what you deserve.trust me
ReplyDeleteMy dear, has this guy proposed marriage to you? No, I guess so why can't you live without him or are you waiting for him to use and dump you before you accept the fact staring you in the eye. Is not gona be easy I know but you need to be determined, once your mind is made up that you deserve someone better then every other thing falls into space. I urge you to be wise and take the right decision. Walk out on him before he walks out on you cos that will be so devaststing.
ReplyDeleteYes, it will hurt like hell if you leave him but you won't hurt forever. Yes, you will feel like dying if you break up with him but you won't die. Yes, you will cry your eyes out but you will laugh again. Yes, you will miss him but you will find yourself. And when you leave, don't forget the lessons.
ReplyDeleteThis line kills me "I caught him red handed having sex with my cousin and I still love him"*shudders* How nau? Why?! Why??!!
ReplyDeleteDon't you think you deserve better?! I love most of the comments here cause they speak truth. Please do yourself a big favour and leave that thing you call love cause its actually LUST. A man that loves you would NEVER ABUSE YOU FOR REAL.
You have not stated how he is abusing you, I am assuming physically. I cannot give someone practical advise who says her abusive boyfriend of four years is: "my future" and "Something tells me if I break up with him I will never be able to love another guy". You have resigned yourself to a life with him, so I cannot see what practical advise you need other than to keep ice, panadol and a pair of sunglasses on hand always.
ReplyDeleteYou can choose to be free or choose to live in bondage. You have decided that being a prisoner of love is much better than living a joyously free life. I cannot help someone like you. Change begins first in the mind before any action is taken and if your mind is not ready for change then nothing anybody says will be of any benefit to you. I wish you well.
My dear,
ReplyDeleteDrop him like a HOT potato, he is not good for you and would only cause u major grief. Due to the extensive abuse, he's killed your self esteem. How can u explain an animal(yes that's what he is) that sleeps with your cousin and abuses yet you still claim to love him hmmm.... smh. Pls dear wake up he is using you. Am so UPSET!!!!
Pls get help from a counselor and leave him cos he's not fit for any true woman
Sweetheart, I'm sure by now you've read the comments above, with all the practical steps to getting rid of a man who obviously has no respect for you. Darling, you deserve waaaaay better that him! For the record, a man who fears God will sooo cherish you and worship the ground you walk on. You are a woman, full of power over these men, and that's just the way it is! Be strong honey, you have a very bright future, and it has nothing to do with him! Infact please do me a favour and watch Madea's Diary of a Mad Black Woman...there's some hot oats on the stove honey...mmuah!
ReplyDeleteHi, this is my first time commenting on this blog but having read this story, I just had to give you advice as you've asked for it. My dear, I guess that you are young maybe 25 or 26 and this guy has been your only boyfriend (irrespective of him being your first sexual partner). I do not mean to be condescending but it does not appear to me that you have had an opportunity to experience a real relationship with a man. The reason I say this, is that you right now are in the same position I was in 15 years ago with my first husband. I knew he was no good, I knew did not respect me and even though I was abused physically and emotionally I believed him when he said he loved me and on the basis of that I stayed even though everything within told me to flee. This is why I am guessing you are young. It was not until I was 30 and I had entered into the place where I knew my value and appreciated my self-worth that I could break those unholy chains with which I was bound. I vowed that I would not enter 30 in my circumstances. My dear, I believe that not only have you been physically abused but you have been emotionally abused by this creature who cannot value you for the wonderful woman you are. A glaring symptom of emotional abuse is a lack of self worth or self confidence and I get that from your post because you have said you don't think anybody else can love. Biko who said? If at 35 a man can love me and my children from a previous marriage and make me his wife and show what true love is, how much more you? My dear that is just a lie from the pit of help. There are real men out there who desire to show women how real men love women but you,ve got to be in a place where you can receive that love. You have asked for practical advice and all the other posters have given it to you. For me, my advice to you is to FLEE! Don't look back. Take those beautiful legs God has given you and run. There is nothing I regret more than failing to listen to my instinct when it told me run. I still remember the day vividly when I knew I had no business in the relationship but carried nonetheless and missed my chance and onto use to miss it or 10 years until I decided enough is enough. Take courage from my story if you can, there is always life after these abusers and my pray the prayer that people prayed for me. When The Lord turned away our captivity, we where like those who laughed. My dear your days of laughter is around the corner. Lift up your eyes and receive redemption. Sorry the post was too long but this is a story/topic very dear to my heart. God bless you love.
ReplyDeleteSorry please excuse typos in the post above, typed too fast and I hate typing on the iPad.
DeleteI won't repeat what has already as you know you have to leave this man, you have been lucky so far to have not married this man or have a child by him because when those 2 scenarios happen, you will be trapped for a long time. Ask yourself, do you want to be in marriage where your children watch their mother being abused because believe mem this man will not change unless you change, your change will be to walk away now, yes it will hurt but take the advice above to cut yourself off completely, move to another city if you have to. Have you ever heard the phrase " this too shall pass" however much it hurts, time will heal your pain.
DeleteAlso if you don't leave him, other good men that could love you as you should be loved are walking on by cos they think you're hooked. You deserve better than that excuse of a man, I pray you start to believe it. All the best.
Deflowering you is not enough reason of failing to leave him-make a good decision while you are ok with your status-if anything you will have a very fragile life-Pray to God to intervene please
ReplyDeleteThis my first time of commenting on ds blog...aldou i admire aunty Myne a lot...
ReplyDeleteMy dear, i no aw u feel right now, cos v been der before. I was in an abusive relationship for 7yrs, not physical abuse dou buh my dear it wz wosrt dan dat. I found out dt i lost my virginity to him, i ended up carrying d relationship on my head...it tuk me more dan 3yrs to realise mysef, i knew i was hurting but i cudnt leave cos i was thinking like u now, dat i wunt find love.
My dear d truth of d matter is dat u wud find love. Just give ursef time, i stayed for more dan a year bfr dating again, n now am in a healthy relationship, we aint vn sex but its ming blowing. U ll def find love my dear but u need to find Christ first. N for ur information, if he tells u, u wunt fine anoda dat ll love u d way he does, tell him Amen ooo cos u don't deserve a man dat wud love u d way he does. Takia n b blessed