I met my fiancé ten years ago but we only started dating last year, he’s always proposed his intention from the beginning but I was immature then and he’s good looking, and always having girls flocking around. So I told myself I’d rather be his friend than lover, less heartache.
Years gone by and a few relationships later, we decided to give love a chance. Mind you, I’m overseas and he is in Naija. With two failed long-distance relationship under my belt, I like to think I’m a better person for distance relationship. I don’t fancy white men and not enough black men where I reside now.
The problem is my fiancé has a three years old daughter he did not mention in our years of friendship but told me about it few months before I went to Naija for Christmas holiday last year. At first I was disappointed because for once I was truly happy and contented with myself and my relationship and now there is trouble.
However, I forgave him for not telling me earlier and took it in stride. I even defended him even after my parent raised their concerns.
He proposed on Christmas day and we had a small introduction done two weeks after. I love my fiancé, he is a great uncle to his nephews and an amazing friend and supportive partner to me but the fact that he's an absent father to his daughter worries me deeply. I don’t want to marry someone who his financially available but not physically nor emotionally available to my kids.
I have discussed these concerns with him twice but it doesn’t seem to be getting anywhere. He says the kid was unplanned and he takes responsibility by giving financial support and that’s about it. I told him I need to see some changes with the relationship with his daughter, I love him dearly but I would not settle for an absent father for our unborn kids.
The child lives with her mother. I'm not going for a full mum position, neither do I want my fiance to get full custody either. But I want him to be more physically and emotionally present - you know attend birthdays, go to the beach and build castle with your kid. That's how I was raised, a father is meant to invest in his kids (money, time, religion, or whatever), maybe I'm just westernized.
Should I be more accepting of his decision or are these red flags I should be worried about to cut of the relationship?
I agree with u. Money is not enough. Kids needs their father. The fact that she was unplanned doesn't mean he should punish her for it. At least, there should be an arrangement where he sees her and talks to her often. This is very important.
ReplyDeleteNa wah ooo. My dear you don't have any issues. Have you ever stopped to check that, your fiancee might not have felt deeply for the mother of the child the way he feels for you? Most men pass on the love they feel for a woman to the child. Besides he said he never planned for the child, don't you think that now that both of you are ready to tie the knot, you should talk to him about 'when are you guys going to be ready to have yours?'
ReplyDeleteFrom what I can decipher, the child lives with her mother, right?
Are you sure, your intention of sealing a father and daughter bond wouldn't end up slamming you in the face? What if he starts affair with the child's mum?
Think about this!
Hum...i kinda agree wt Ada.my fear/thought exactly
DeleteI think you have nothing to worry about as far as he has taken responsibility for the child and is up to his responsiblities as a father even though its only financially. Probably because like he said, the child was unplanned for. I am sure he is still coming to terms with it.
ReplyDeleteIf the child is with her his parents, its ok. It might be that he is waiting till he gets married before making plans for d kid to be with him.
My hubby had a child too before i met him though he told me immediately we started courting. He was only finanlly there for the child and followed up with her academics and that got me worried too just like you are now and when i confronted him about it, he had little or nothing to say about it. I could tell he wasnt proud of himself either so i let him be. My hubby is a good man so that gradually took away my fears.
I have two kids now and I must say I couldn't have asked for a better father for my kids and just as we were making plans for my hubby's daughter to join us so we all grow together as a family, we lost her.
If you both decide to end up together, you can influence his decisions for the good of the child.
So fear not and commit it all to your God except there are other under lying problems you need to address.
All the best...
You said it all.
DeleteIF HE SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME WITH HER, YOU'D COMPLAIN THAT HE MIGHT NOT GIVE ATTENTION TO YOUR CHILDREN. NW HE'S TRYNA BURN BRIDGES, YOURE ALSO COMPLAINING.... HE PROVIDES HER FINANCIAL NEED, I AGREE DTS NT ENOF FOR A CHILD BUT CONSIDERING D CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH SHE CAME THAT MYT BE ALL HE CAN DO. AND AS RIGHTLY POINTED OUT WOT IF IN D PROCESS OF BONDING WITH HIS DAUGHTER, HE GOES TO VISIT,THE OTHER LADY STARTS TO WANT MORE.. STARTS TO REMIND HIM OF THEIR PAST.... THEN U'D HAVE A BIGGER PROBLEM TO DEAL WITH... IF IT HURTS YOU SO BAD, SUGGEST THAT HE BRINGS THE CHILD TO STAY WITH YOU GUYS..WITH THE MUM'S PERMISSION.. AND IF HE SAYS NO, LEAVE IT AT THAT!!! U MYT BE INCURING TROUBLE FOR URSELF.
ReplyDeletePlease don't write in capitals, it's rude and makes it hard to read.
DeletePlease this woman has a good mind and heart. We need more of that in this world. Don't pollute her mind with rubbish thoughts. A father has to be a father to his children period. If he loved the mother of his daughter I am sure he would be married to her now. There is no reason to tell her to be careful that her encouraging her fiance to do right by his daughter will big trouble for her
DeleteI had directed my comment at a specific person but it seems that a lot of people share d same sentiment. May God help all of you. A man has a child, it doesn't matter the circumstance surrounding it, he needs to be in his child's life. Period. The end. Otherwise he becomes nothing more than a useless sperm donor.
ReplyDeleteHow people can encourage a man to abandon his child is beyond me. I am appalled.
This is the reality of our country and our men, we know them well.
DeleteIts easier said than done... not everyone upholds the level of maturity..
DeleteBesides, he might not have intended for it to happen.I know of a male friend that found himself in that situation. He detests the woman for what she did to him, as in, she wanted to have the baby. To him, he is disconnected.I think men should be responsible as well as women but stuff happens and you need to adjust. Some use babies to trap some men and he prolly feels detached.
Maybe with time he will come around. I do think that he should try bit by bit but heyhoo he prolly cnt stand the sight of the mother.. As someone said, pray and trust in God.
Yes, she's a good person but it seems to me that she's trying to stir up trouble and headaches for herself. I think you should let him be.
DeleteYou are a good person and have a good heart to even think of encouraging ur fiance to build a relationship with his daughter. I wish there were more women like you in the word :)
ReplyDeleteI honestly do not think that he will have the same attitude towards your children together. Men are not as emotional as we women are. It is possible that he had issues with his daughter's mother and wants to have nothing to do with the woman but has not stopped to consider how that affects his daughter. Keep encouraging him to foster a realtionship with his child. But don't worry he will be a good father to your children and you are there to help.
@OP better to let sleeping dogs lie. The girl is living with her mother, you say you don't want to be a full time mum or your fiance to get full custody, what else do you want?
ReplyDeleteDear Writer, it is obvious you will make a kind wife and mother, I want to encourage you not to be too worried. You say your Fiance is a good partner to you means he will probably work with you on raising your own children together. Keep an eye on the girl to see she is not neglected or abused so your conscience is clear, and make sure your own children know her when they get here.
ReplyDeleteAlso, as time goes on and based on how things work out, you can take further decisions like whether to move her into your home, get legal joint custody, or you adopting her too. May God bless you with the best of marriage.
Who will say his mother's soup is not sweet .please she has to say he is a good man,it was not planned but he culd sleep with her without a condom.please people should not sugarcoat this issue . Every child needs his or her dad .think about the child and stop being selfish he shd go see and visit his child unless he is just a sperm donor or he regrets one day.
ReplyDeletemoney is not enu4....physical availability once in a while will make more sense
ReplyDelete& show how responsible he is.....we all know the child wasn't planned for,but he needs to be present for her...remember,no child is a mistake & children are gifts 4rm God....
My dear just go ahead and marry the guy in as much he loves you,don't allow the past to separate u people. U only realized he had a child what if u realized he was married or keeping extra affair,so i advice u marry him in as much u know he loves u and he's not so close together with the other lady so as not to affect u, also try to love those kids as yours.
ReplyDelete