DEAR MYNE, I'm in my late twenties, in a serious relationship but need people's advise on how to handle some issues in my relationship. Firstly, his younger sisters - my fiancé is the only boy in a family of 5. His sisters were receptive when i first met them, but after like some months of meeting them, they changed and I don't know the reasons for that.
Though my Fiancé made me understand that, that is just them, they make friends with you for a while and stop being friendly. But as time goes on I didn't believe that theory because they do have close friends, why didn't they stop being friendly with them? They have relationships as well, why are they still with their boyfriends if that is their ways?
Though I kept my cool and continued with the way I was relating with them before, but of late I'm so pissed off with their attitudes. So if he's around and we go visiting the parents and siblings, I keep to myself and don't say much, they will be asking their brother why I'm so reserved and not playing with anyone, when in the actual sense of it, they only talk when they want to regardless of how I try to gist or play with them.
Their brother is complaining about my being reserved when I'm at his family house but honestly I'm tired of hurting myself and loving those who don't reciprocate. What do I do? How do I handle them without hurting myself or being too extreme coz I'm losing my cool and withdrawing to myself . Thanks
Please don't keep to yourself. I think you should a talk with them. Just you and them alone.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon this post quite late. But I hope Mildred gets to read this. The change in their attitude is "feminine rivalry", simple. Your sisters-in-law to be have profiled you & are trying to get territorial. It's the shape of things to come. You either nip it in the bud now by relating with them in a cordial manner while maintaining your dignity & self-esteem, or you choose to bend your back over to please them and regret it for the rest of your marital life.
DeleteIn my case, my hubby has 1 sister & 3 brothers. That sister did not hide her intention of wanting me to bend to her will in servitude. Through body language & distance, she got the CLEAR msg that I was not going to subject myself to a life of 'disguised slavery'.it's the African belief that they are doing a woman a favour by marrying her.
So dear Mildred, if your mother-in-law has not sided with her daughters yet, get her on your side through kind gestures & gifts every now and then. Do not overdo it, plus your fiance would love you for it. Not everyone would like you, but they can learn to tolerate you. Stay humble, stay dignified and never ever lose your self esteem or self worth just for the sake of pleasing your in-laws. In the long term, you'd learn that most of them are not worth pleasing anyway.
Goodluck Mildred. I hope you learn a thing or two from this. Stay blessed.
I think you're just being overly sensitive. As long as they are not violent towards you or tell you to your face that they don't like you, then you need to be tolerant. Tolerance is a basic survival tool we all need, you need to realise that not everyone will like you no matter how 'agreeable' you are. And by keeping to yourself, you're just giving them something to tag on you. Be nice, be polite, respond when talked to, don't go out of your way to starts 'gists', maybe they have friends but they may think you're being too forward. And by pointing out that your fiance is the 'only boy', I realise you already have a mindset that the females in such families tend to be clingy and snobbish towards their brother's woman. Sometimes, our imagination gets larger than life that we forget to live in the real world. And do tell your fiance why you were acting withdrawn, so he won't come to the conclusion that you hate his siblings.
ReplyDeleteAnonimous 5:52am,ve u ever been in a situation whereby u try being friendly to people n they keep ignoring or snobbing u.I understand ur plight dear bt I'll also advice dat u sit them down and let them what or how u feel in a responsible n polite manner
ReplyDeleteThe good thing is that you have a guy that cares and loves you!!!...Relating with the sisters and mother of an hubby {or hubby to be}, is something a woman must apply real wisdom!!!!....The thing is that we women are a bit jealous in nature, and crave for attention,so his sisters, mother would always crave a lot for his attention and when a man's attention is more shifted to his lover, it takes a matured and God fearing mother and sisters to handle it....Just be yourself!!!...be real to them, and don't try to over impress!!!...and be nice!!!....So when you see them, give them your big hug!!. cutest smile!!{please make sure it's real o}...being nice to people doesn't mean you have to be their friends!!!....But having a cordial and good relationship with them will go a long way to help your marriage to their brother!!!...AND PLEASE, don't bring up their issue again with their brother except if it's something serious!!!...it's not too good for the relationship the way you tell him abt his sisters, and the next thing, the sisters are also talking your quietness..with time, if you all keep doing all that,pushing him in the middle, it will affect the relationship...ALSO, you have to learn to ignore and close your eyes to many things and attitude..I have an elder brother and we are four girls, so having many sisters and relating with female friends...I know and have seen that some ladies can be petty, at times I am too...so you have to be matured and develop thick skin in some situations and attitude ...The funny thing is that they might be intimidated by you!!...So just be nice to them , be warm and be yourself around them, {no matter ,the attitude they put up, don't give them reasons to look for faults in you or a weak point or so}, treat and love them like your own sisters!!!!!, and with four ladies,,,, you have to learn to let goo.., and forgive, don't ever let situations arise that you will be keeping malice with them, Also, when next you are in the family house...smile, be yourself and don't be uptight and you can like gist with them and get to know them personally{their hobbies, school or work life}!!!!!!....Just be happy, don't allow the enemy steal your joy...keep praying...
ReplyDelete*nodding my head* I agree with everything you've typed
Deletethank you so much for this, it lights my heart
DeleteBe yourself, be friendly (not overly) and eventually they'll get to know you for who you are.
ReplyDeleteYou can't be friends with everyone but you shouldn't go out of your way to make enemies either :)
Pls pls plssss, don't sit them down to discuss what went 'wrong'. They'll get defensive, the story will filter to your future mother in law and multitude of aunties and you will kick yourself for starting the 'discussion' in the first place.
P.S: My husband is the first son, has 2 sisters so I know where you are coming from. Don't worry about it, you are there to stay. Lol ;)
Sweetie U̶̲̥̅̊ jst mentioned his D̶̲̥̅̊ only son, S̴̩☺̴̩̩̥̩̩̩ definitely dey r jealous U̶̲̥̅̊ wanna come steal dre brother 4rm dem... S̴̩☺̴̩̩̥̩̩̩ dnt kip 2 urself kip lovin dem, treat dem D̶̲̥̅̊ way U̶̲̥̅̊ want dem 2 treat U̶̲̥̅̊...n dnt 4get D̶̲̥̅̊ master key ie prayer!!!!!
ReplyDeleteKeep praying and keep trying to be their friend. Remember if you cool off as you get more serious with their brother, they may assume you're becoming stuck up, so it ends up being a vicious cycle.
ReplyDeleteJust handle the situation the way it applies to you. But remember that you need to be friendly to them too, even when they try to push away. Continue loving them and dont stop asking them questions until they open up to you. If not all of them, at least one of them would take time to answer the 'why' that made them change towards you.
ReplyDeleteYou can't make anybody like you and blood is thicker than water. They are strong in numbers, so the best thing to do is to try and make the mother an ally and forge a lasting bond with her; now the sisters could go either way with that, they could hate you more, or make a turn in the way they treat you. Ask Mom about her son, and how he was as a child, and to teach you how to prepare some of his favourite dishes, whether you intend to prepare them or not. Take her out to lunch one day, just the two of you. Bake some cupcakes and bring them over next time you are visiting, make a special one just for mom. Tell mom int he midst of everybody how greatful you are for her raising such a wonderful son, and you are the luckiest girl in the world..give son googly eyes after you day that. Fight fire with fire, get the mom in your corner and all will be well..lol
ReplyDeleteGirl, just be yourself and respectful & if that is not enough for them, maybe they need to change something. Do not bend over backwards to make anyone happy or comfortable. If they are giving you a cold shoulder now, then its a peek of whats may be in store for you in the future as their sister in law. As I said, just be yourself. That should be enough. If not, then advise yourself.
ReplyDeletethanks to everyone that commented, I truly and sincerely appreciate all the sincere comments and advice. and thanks to Myne for publishing it, God bless you
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon this post quite late. But I hope Mildred gets to read this. The change in their attitude is "feminine rivalry", simple. Your sisters-in-law to be have profiled you & are trying to get territorial. It's the shape of things to come. You either nip it in the bud now by relating with them in a cordial manner while maintaining your dignity & self-esteem, or you choose to bend your back over to please them and regret it for the rest of your marital life.
ReplyDeleteIn my case, my hubby has 1 sister & 3 brothers. That sister did not hide her intention of wanting me to bend to her will in servitude. Through body language & distance, she got the CLEAR msg that I was not going to subject myself to a life of 'disguised slavery'.it's the African belief that they are doing a woman a favour by marrying her.
So dear Mildred, if your mother-in-law has not sided with her daughters yet, get her on your side through kind gestures & gifts every now and then. Do not overdo it, plus your fiance would love you for it. Not everyone would like you, but they can learn to tolerate you. Stay humble, stay dignified and never ever lose your self esteem or self worth just for the sake of pleasing your in-laws. In the long term, you'd learn that most of them are not worth pleasing anyway.
Goodluck Mildred. I hope you learn a thing or two from this. Stay blessed.