Just this morning i was abused by my husband for the very first time....i didn't see it coming and he does not have any of the signs up there. He is or was, i don't know what to think right now... am still in shock, he's a loving husband until of late, but i didn't let him get away with it. I used a pressing iron on him that's when he let me go.
Of late he keeps late nights getting back home in the morning just when am about leaving for work and i do have a 3 months old baby right now.... its still a very young marriage and am at a loss, confused on what to do right now.
_____________
This post came in under the post about signs of an abusive partner [see post]. I have adviced the writer to contact Project Alert. But some encouraging words will be welcome too.
Wow. There were never any signs before?
ReplyDeleteA pressing iron?!
I can't even wrap my head around this.
Just wow.
there's trouble oh.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure the iron was for her to get away temporarily -but she needs a more secure place to be in right now until they work it out. Sometimes men react to issues within by letting it out. This is absolutely unacceptable. I feel very bad personally. I'm still single and this bothers me a lot oh.
DeleteChai.
I am totally with you on this one......I am still single and this definitely bothers me a lot!
DeleteI am very sorry to hear about this, but for the sake of your child you do want to get out of this. Once it starts it will never stop until one of you die. Don't let anybody encourage you to stay with an abusive person, because just as how you never saw any signs, it's the same way you will not see the next situation and you may not be lucky to have an iron the next time around.
ReplyDeleteThis is the reason I always encourage women to keep money for themselves, and to have something set aside.
I know you are presently in shock, but you don't have time to waste and ponder. You must use the time to think up on an exit strategy, and you cannot let him know you plan on leaving, you must act stealthily in your doings. Don't let your right hand know what the left hand is doing. I wish you and your baby all the best.
Pls n pls leave d marriage, if u feel u can't or won't, den do ur self a big favor, dnt have more kids with this man.
ReplyDeleteI truly believe you when you say you did not see the signs. There are a lot of men who show no signs whatsoever, and it's not that you didn't allow yourself to see it. It's just to pray that whoever one marries shows you who they really are. I can't advise you to leave or stay because I am not married and do not want to be a part of breaking someone's home.All I will say is that your child needs you. Please pray for wisdom and direction and let him know that violence will not be tolerated in your home. God help you.
ReplyDeletehmmmm this is tough. He may not be an abuser per se but it's good that you showed him pepper when he did it. You say he has changed recently, has been keeping late nights. I really don't want to say you should leave him immediately but you have to do something about it. what I really don't know but God will give you wisdom.
ReplyDeleteI have to support Judith here. First of all we don't know the full story & from what I gather so, the man is not an abusive or a violent man. For you go for the pressing iron, things must have taken a a bad turn around that period.
ReplyDeleteYou need wisdom to handle things at this stage cos you might be throwing away a perfectly good man and a great marriage.
Sometimes in the heat of the moment, you might say a word or carry out a totally irresponsible action. Some men are not used to aggressive, irrepresible ladies; and in my opinion, he acted out of character.
I have been married for almost a decade and early on in my marriage, while chilling in the sitting room after coming back late from work, my wife started behaving in a rather irrational manner. She belligerently started yanking off cables, throwing electrical equipment around, in a bid to as she said later on, get my attention.
She did get my attention, with a whack in the face, it's highly regrettable but sometimes if you don't have certain experiences, you'd be surprised at your reaction at the spur of the moment.
So dear, please don't take all these advice to leave him; once a beater, always a beater blah blah blah....., I am very sure he's regretting his action but as they say "two wrong's don't make a right". You can talk it out with a Senior person you respect in the marriage institution, a pastor, parents. We can't pass judgement here as we don't know the full story. I do believe this won't happen again but if it does then you do need to get help. GOD Almighty will give you direction and show the way that should go, Amen.
Dema.......
you slapped your wife once. that's between you and her. Did you read the part in the woman's letter where she said HE WOULDN'T LET GO until she used an iron on him? Please please please
DeleteYou slapped your wife. There was no other way to restrain her but to physically ABUSE her? Shame on you. And why should we believe you that it was once? Shebi your wife isn't here to say otherwise?.
DeleteYou slapped your wife. So there was no other way to restrain her, if as you said, she was behaving irrationally? Shame on you, dear sir! And why should we believe you that it was just once? Shebi your wife isn't here to tell us otherwise? We would just have to take your word for it, just as we have to take the writer's word on the version of events.
Delete"I do believe this won't happen again but if it does then you do need to get help": What is your belief based on? Do you know them personally ni? And why can't she get help now? Instead of waiting for it to happen again? What if the 'next time' he kills her?
I'm with Judith on this. We don't know the full story and from what the lady said, her husband's behaviour is a 'sudden turn of events'. Nothing justifies hitting a woman but until we know what prompted it, it will be unfair to pass judgement especially far reaching ones like asking her to leave him.
ReplyDelete@ OP
Please try and trace back to when he started 'misbehaving'. Did something happen in the family? Did he lose his job? I am certain something must have prompted his sudden change in behaviour. Once you can pin point this, then try and talk to him.
Like Judith advised, check yourself too. Men and women respond to pressure in different ways so at this time in your husband's life, he needs you to be understanding. Trust me, a time will come when you will need him to be understanding too.
Your marriage is young like you said. You've just had a beautiful baby. You guys still have many years to spend together as husband and wife. Work through this together and you will both come out stronger.
God bless you
@ Ayodeji....well, u'd have to take my word for it. There's no way for me to convince you that I am not a woman-beater & i did mention that it was highly regrettable. I am just saying that, don't label a man a beater or an abuser cos of one action. I coem from an all-boys family & I never saw my parent banter for 1 sec while growing up and for men like me, it's hard to understand it when a woman goes beserk.
ReplyDeleteUntil you get the full details, you can't & shouldn't really pass judgement.
I wish you all the very best in your relationships....
Dema
I agree with you. The husband and wife might be dealing with issues, particularly with the arrival of the baby that is causing both parties to act out of character. It is not every marital problem that is solved with separation. Both parties need to sit down and talk.
Deletesister sorry about the abuse. as one of the commentators had siad, you too have to check yourself lately,no smoke without a fire,i never support what he did to you i condemned it in totality.yes your husband was wrong but using pressing iron on him was not a best responce,remember that two wrong cannot make a right.look for a way to reconcile with him,humble yourself and be submissive to him as bible had commanded us. last but not the least be prayerful,your home is your home,devil is the author of cofussion.if you suspected him to be sleeping around confrontation is not the best way. please ma keep your home tough time never last but tough people do. God bless you ma.
ReplyDeleteJudith. Well spoken. My wish for you is when you are married ur husband will beat u up and then u look inwards and correct ur wrongdoing. As he slaps u on d right cheek forgive him. As he punches u in d belly, tell him u love him. When he slaps d left cheek tell him this love is all you ever wished for. U r very very silly. Its pple like u that will discourage a brave abused woman from speaking up, raise abusers as well as timid inferior-complexed women. U r blaming her for wat an adult did to her.
ReplyDeleteI hope wen u r abused u will rem this ur worthless advice and stick to it. I feel sad for u
Speaking from experience, a woman beater does not need any excuse to carry out his atrocities. Oga, d best way to restrain your wife wasn't to slap her..................you could have just walked away! you may say you have never done it again but not all men have the willpower to control themselves after the first beating.
ReplyDeleteI know the emotional, verbal and now physical abuse I have suffered in my husband's hands. I have been married for 6years now and all everyone says is to pray. Truth is the ladies who have caustic tongues are never beaten by their husbands because the guy is sure that she will retaliate.
Don't say we are judging the man unfairly until your sister has walked in this lady's shoes. The first for me was 4 slaps which hubby apologized for days later. However, months later, before his mum and mine he denied saying that if he truly slapped me why didn't I retaliate.
Men who beat their wives are beasts... PERIOD. Don't come out here to defend the man because this same person will beat up his sister's husband if he tries it.
We need to speak out and stop every form of domestic violence.