Hi Myne. Its my 23rd birthday in some weeks, I have done quite well for myself and preparing for masters thanks to God. But I feel I'm too young for marriage until the next year or two when I must have settled into life fully. My 4 year relationship with my 32 year old boyfriend ended some months ago and amazingly I don't really know what I feel even though he has been making efforts to reconcile with me.
My best friend is male and we have been close since forever we got closer and more intimate when the problem in my relationship started, I feel bad that maybe I did not give due attention to my bf and thats why I was'nt bothered about making things work when it started to crumble. He lets me have my way and do whatever I want including adhering to my rule of no sex before marriage. But sometimes you need a man to be firm and I don't see him in this light. My best friend is younger but sets me straight when I'm out of line because I am very strong willed.
I do not want it to seem like i'm comparing them but in recent times i have had to. For his age his interests are childish and company of friends is questionable although he is not doing badly as an individual. I talked so much about it. It seemed like i was nagging but seems to be changing after the breakup. I do not have so much experience with men either.
My best friend and I have a wonderful chemistry so much that I have found myself falling in love with him, he says we should get married soon that he wants to be serious with me. I told him I will pray about it but I am really confused. Wont it seem like i had this guy on the decks and waited for the right moment to carry out this evil plan. He is not in the country presently and wants me to fly to Paris to spend my birthday.
I am afraid to go for three reasons 1)I do not think i want to commit just yet but i enjoy him and his company so well I would be ill if i don't hear from him in a day 2) I am afraid he will propose to me (No i'm not being forward) he has tried to measure my hand with a fake ring as well as leave other hints including speaking with my mum 3) i DO NOT want to have sex with him, he doesn't believe in celibacy before marriage (This is the reason i may not consider him at all).
The whole situation is causing me to worry. I am not ready to get married immediately but i think my ex bf's family are putting some sort of pressure on him that's why he broke up with me thinking it will make me get serious but that did not work. He's still all up in my space. Some Pastors prophesied he is my husband but he has not "MANNED UP" to define what he wants which was my annoyance. There's no assumption in marriage. It was after the break up he said he planned to propose soon. I do not want to continue with him and end up frustrated or seem like i’m enduring or doing it out of pity, i want to enjoy my marriage.
Best Friend on the other hand is looking forward to my arrival but i do not want to do anything rash. Majorly i am not ready to sleep with him in as much as i love him and he believes Sex is important. But i am a christian and i don’t want to compromise on any values. I'm not enthusiastic about the trip although it will be a nice birthday getaway, how do i get him to stop processing papers without hurting his feelings or break off the whole thing totally. Let it not be that i have lost my original husband even though i do not feel any attraction to him Presently.Should i forget both of them and face my Career and wait for the right man.
Forgive me for this long letter. PLEASE GUYS HELP ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?
Why do some women think double dating will ever work? Or that you can be just friends with a man? It never works like that, emotions always come in! Lady, you're celibate, he is not, please move on.
ReplyDeleteOh my!I had to read your letter twice.Your life is no different from that of the average upwardly mobile 23 year old.Marriage proposals always trail women who insist on wearing a chastity belt!"I will marry you" has broken many~a~ hymen!How re we not sure your best~boyfriend's proposal is not about getting you to "drop"?Here's what will happen in Paris:He ll be nice and syrupy sweet.Once you accept his ring,he ll need u to validate this committment in physical terms!He will beg you even after paris;let's assume u refuse there o!If you continue to say no to touchi bodi and stand your ground that sex can only happen until after the wedding,he will resort to plan B.Withhold his company from you!The oldest, overly used form of emotional blackmail AKA Malice!The tables will turn!You will be the one begging him to come back as you can't live without your "oxygen"!When he returns,u will submit finally.You will keep submitting! *Fast forward 2 yrs*...Now you re 25 and Best~ boyfriend hasn't mentioned a date! At that age u want to settle naa.It hits you that it was all about the bargain for sex!..On the other hand,He may just be the one for you!if you do not see a future without him, by all means say yes and keep your fingers crossed!People stay engaged for yrs and get married!You won't be the first!Am not commenting on the other older guy.When I saw prophet abi na pastor(?) added to the mix I yawned!Come o...This your letter sef fit be make~ believe.hahahahahaha are we being officially screwed??? Signed:Wide eyed!
ReplyDeleteIm laffing so hard.
DeleteThanks for clearing sleep off my eyes!!!
I think your boyfriend is a better man for you since you seem to be one who has a mind, and is thinking of a future career. Marry a man who allows you room, men who are controlling rarely tend to be supportive of women. You are 23 so you may not understand now, but hear this from an older woman. Marry a man who doesn't try to break your will, you may enjoy it when things are good, but the serious things in marriage will turn that strictness to wicknedness.
ReplyDeleteYou want to follow a pastors dictate for your life partner, babe shine ya eye o!
ReplyDeleteIf I were in your shoe, I'd go for the best friend. Best friends make good husbands. Truth is, like me, you may drop the chastity belt before he takes you serious but in the end, you'll have a wonderful man for life.
ReplyDeleteI think 23 is too young to be thinking of marriage. Just go and do your masters in that time you will know what you want. Put everything into prayers sincerely and God will show you the one. If any of them are, they will surely wait for you. www.secretlilies.com
ReplyDeleteI couldn't finish reading as it was too long but what jumped out is that you have to grow up first then tackle the issue of marriage. Let your men wait for you. The one that is meant for you will wait, if not; other men will show up as you grow up.
ReplyDeleteBet me, that your so-called best friend wants only sex, and will dump you soon after. Stick with the guy you have.
ReplyDeleteYour emotions are on high right now.
ReplyDeleteI'd say take a break and think very carefully with your head.
What do you need/want?
I don't believe you need this pressure, you need to live your life and learn.
Everything happens in it own time. I suspect your instincts are telling u what may happen if go and visit in paris, pls listen to it.
Ur best friend, you like the idea of him and his niceness like everyone we have good and rubbish side so beware.
All the same, pray and use your HEAD NOT YOUR FEELINGS... EMOTIONS dont trust it.
Whatever happens. you will learn from it. x
@anon 8:37am: please can explain vividly why you said "one can't be friends with a man"
ReplyDeleteI thought most people are into "marry your friend" ish.
@myne: sorry, so unable to send you a pm, but please can you make a post on this. I love to be friends with guys, firstly it gives you options ås to whom to choose from if you're wise and really really know what you want. I've observed that most guys that have made it rather settled do not like this idea ås they don't wanna be wasting time or 'friendzoned'. Other things that come with it is that, you can stil stay ås friends if things do not work out besides not all friends are compatible.
Let me stop here, So sorry em derailing.
what's your say house? Mfs.
It's fine when all your male friends are platonic, but once you have a boyfriend, it is dangerous to keep the other friends who are men around, they will distract you and if you're not careful, some of you will start catching feelings, emotional cheating noni till it becomes sexual, like the sotry above.
DeleteDouble dating is a wicked thing. am in it atm, still trying to find my way out of it. God help me pls!
ReplyDeleteLeave both of them and face your studies for now. The one meant for you will stick around, or a new person will come in. Keep praying too.
ReplyDeleteYou need a break to help you clear your head.
ReplyDelete