Wow...I read this story and I can totally relate except the suicide part. Congratulations you didn't marry him cos unlike you I married mine only at the time he seemed so genuine & committed or so I thought. 13 years after marriage, I decided to take charge of my own life and protect our lovely kids from being raised in an abusive home.
You're right, he is handsome, very smart, intelligent and very likeable. I was quiet about the things he did never discussed his behaviour with anyone but God..believe me.Prayer revealed so many things to me that I was in denial of for a long while until he crossed the line by putting my life at risk.
Many times during the 13years I considered leaving him, but I kept telling myself he could change. One thing that kept me through was the word of God and mostly great teachings by Joyce Meyer (that's a realistic preacher!) I realised soon enough I was not responsible for his actions. I could handle him.
Everyone thought we were the most perfect couple but they had no idea mostly because even before I got married I knew my happiness never depended on my husband, I made myself a promise other than my vows that when violence comes home...I would take a walk & I did without notice.
I love him but love myself more and my children even more. No dad is better than a bad dad. No child should grow up in an abusive relationship, it keeps the cycle going. His mum controls his life, He is controlling& manipulative (just like his mum-this I later found out), a compulsive liar, adulterous and violent.
Its been a year since I left him, he's been busy lying and saying ridiculous things about me which are not true which I have also completely ignored.He doesn't know where we live and has not even tried to contact us which is a big relief for me. Too bad some people believe his stories (esp his immediate family), good thing is the ones that know him,know the truth.
His family...well let me just quote ''if you don't have anything good to say about people, say nothing). I actually thought they were genuine people until things started happening. He attempted turning my own family against me as well but didn't succeed. One thing I know is that guys like these really need psychological help and then spiritual deliverance.
Its kind of sad to see such smart, good looking, intelligent life waste away because no one survives on lies. Sister's you are not your husband's parents, you didn't raise, didn't know the foundation his life and should not let yourself be intimidated by false doctrine. Abusive husbands know how to remind you to be submissive! Don't be fooled. If you're xtian do your own research..God hates divorce but endorses it on grounds of unrepentant adultery and violence.
Life is for the living, you're not doing your children any good by allowing them witness their mum being abused. Make your own decision, do not ignore the red flags. Best advice don't always come from your loved ones or your church, you know your situation better than anyone, weigh your options and make a decision you're certain you will not regret. I personally, would love to educate a lot of women especially in abusive relationships.
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Myne's note - Someone submitted this comment on the previous post about her experience of domestic violence. I'll like the Anonymous, if you're reading, to contact me at myne@mynewhitman.com so we can work out ways for her to share more. Thanks.
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I've also been in an abusive relationship, my ex was psychologically and emotionally abusive and extremely manipulative and we were just dating! I Think the only reason he did not try hitting me physically was because he was so sure i would kill him if he tried, instead he told his cult friends to threaten to kill me and my next bf if we broke up
ReplyDeletehe was so charming and i never spoke of the all the things he put me thru.
Just three weeks into dating him, he called me a slut cuz he said one of his friends saw me getting out of a friends car. i should have known that very minute that he was trouble. i was very inexperienced in relationships. i thot this was normal relationship behavior afterall very few pple share the really bad parts of their relationships, i genuinely thought i was the problem because before that i had never been in a long term relationship.
i was constantly told that i wasn't a good enough girlfriend and that he would dump me for someone better, i was berated and insulted more often than not and even worse he insulted my family often blaming them for my alleged 'bad' attitude. he brought pit the worse in me with his accusations of cheating and the constant talk of leaving me. There was no love, it felt like bondage, he went as far as reporting me to my friends and when my friends didnt take his side he alienated them.
He always had a sense for when i was close to the edge, then he would be extra sweet and extra attentive and nice, but these moments didnt last.
one day i had simply had enough, i come from a well to do family and i was sure that he had inferiority complex issues about it, he leaned on me financially and i was is personal cash cow, and even after giving him money he would still turn around and insult me , so some days before my birthday i picked a fight with him over money, subconsciously i knew he wouldn't resist the urge to play it out till my birthday, we fought and i said it was over. he cried and begged and called all my alienated friends to help him talk to me, but my heart was hardened, i had finally realized what he was doing to me, he was killing my soul slowly and one day he would hit me and i would think it was ok and that i deserved it.
After i broke up with him he stalked me for another 2 years he called at odd hours of the day, most times he didnt even say anything at the other end, other times he would cry and beg me to take him back other times he would just insult me or my family or both. i was a constant battle to keep my sanity because three quarters of the time he called with a private number. I only got respite when i moved out of the country for a few years i didnt get my old numbers back because of him and sometimes i'm worried he will start stalking me again.
Looking back i recognize that i ignored the signs, the violent temper, this need to be better than me very single time, his bants about how ugly i was. i should have seen him for what he really was but i didnt.
I think the major problem with abuse is that most women dont know the signs to look for, everyone thinks its just starts with the beating, but the beating is the height of the matter, it starts with emotional and psychological abuse the constant need for the abuser to put down the abuse, he resorts to violence when he thinks his words are not working and most women dont talk about it, if they do its in hushed tones for the fear of being blamed which they are anyways.
Reading about Oma and the story above has made me realize it would have been much worse for me, i was just lucky I got out early enough and dont be fooled it can happen to anyone, its not weakness that makes a guy abuse a woman but rather fear of strength, the man is worried that if he gives the woman leeway she will be strong and that terrifies him its that fear that makes him abuse his woman he needs to put her down cuz he isnt going higher.
Hmmm.....I've been an ardent reader of RML but this time I've decided to come out and comment because this is where it affects me.The vision God laid in my heart is to fight for abused ladies and help regain their esteem right from a tender age and I feel the time is ripe and my NGO will soon be birthed(still tender though). I have also been a victim of abuse and I agree with the comment above that 'those that suffer from it isn't because they are weak or cannot fight'.
ReplyDeleteMy supposed fiance was so quiet and introversial,smart,business guru but these were his minus,he was harsh,ill-tempered and would release the most piercing words on the least provocation. I would just withdraw whenever he started his ramblings about how stupid I was or how I didn't have wisdom to tackle issues or in his words,'wore dresses that weren't suitable to meet his calibre of friends',call my shoe or bag a boat(mind u he never bought me one but kept promising),tell me to get out of his office and stand up and walk me out,point fingers at me in the public in the bid to warn me to never repeat a particular thing and say casually in front of his friends that I was talking nonsense and an endless list of that sort!
I felt maybe I was sent his way to help him and expressed my concern to his pastor who reassured me that he would talk to him and prayed for'grace' to sustain me in the relationship soon to be marriage but I knew something was wrong somewhere because I was losing my joy,my happiness. I couldn't associate with my friends because he said they were mediocres and he wanted me to operate with a certain class of women to my disgust!
Now another issue which this kind of men have is that they are usually under strong influence from their mum who most times had to undergo abuse but stayed and so expects u to also bear it.He breathes,eats,thinks,talks and virtually worships his mum and if she says"jump into the lagoon"you can be sure he'd do that and he is so manipulative,possessive and can threaten you on the slightest conversation.
To cut the long story short,I took a walk not without much beggings and pleadings that he would change and actually exhibited some change but how was I sure that twasnt just for the moment,to get me back?So I hardened my heart and fell deaf ears to his pleas and took a walk into my freedom!(So much details I've overlooked)
My candid advise to everyone who finds themselves in an abusive relationship,please take a walk cos it will only take God and The Holy Spirit to change such a man.
I read Oma's story and other women's stories....Its just so heartbreaking. The sad truth is these women are some of many that are lucky enough to be alive to share their own stories. Many lives have been lost simply because they got married. I love marriages, challenges do come but it only takes two willing and committed man & wife to make it work. Violence, oppression or any form of abuse should not be tolerated in any relationship. I can relate to a great portion of this writer's story. I was in an abusive relationship. I listen often to Joyce Meyer as well and couldn't agree more...she really is a realistic preacher. Without her many preachings, I would have lost my self esteem. My husband was controlling, he must have the last and final say in everything, he made all the decisions, he would discuss all sorts with his family. He was particularly close to his mum. The first time he slapped me, it was after an argument over one of his many adultery. I confronted him and got a slap. I remember telling him I would only give him that one time because he had not been physical with me. This was 4th year into the marriage. He never stopped sleeping around, then graduated to pornography and online dating. Each time he was confronted, he would become violent, destructive and verbally abusive not caring whether the kids were there or not. I didn't tell my family about his problems, I knew they would hate him because they all adored him and i didn't want them hating him. Unfortunately, while I was not telling my family and even close friends about his problems, he was very busy telling all sorts of lies and saying derogatory things to his family about me. At some point I found out through mutual friends with his sister. When I told her what I had heard and let her know all her brother was about, she was confused. Anyway, what did it for me was when his mum came over and she became abusive too, accusing me of not giving her son peace of mind, after all he was providing for the family. She went ahead to tell the rest of their family that I had insulted her. It was really devastating. Sadly, they call themselves Christians. At different stages pastors and friends had tried counselling us but nothing was working. When I didn't tell anyone about it after so much intervention, they assumed all was ok but there was never a change or any attempt to change. I decided after so much drama, that I wouldn't allow my children grow up in such environment. When I was ready to leave, I left without notice. He did try to lie to my family as well. 13years of misery...its been nearly 2years I left with my kids..sometimes you never know how much a burden a relationship could be until you separate yourself from the madness and guess what? Life has been good! No looking bad.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what type of unfortunate girls/women will end up with these types of guys. Sad thing is, some of them will not live to tell their own story. Is there anything we can do to prevent such? Post names, pictures or something? The cycle has to be stopped somehow.
To all women who are playing Martyr in their homes..God does hate divorce no doubt, He needs you alive to serve him. Your emotional state of mind is important to function spiritually. If you have children, please protect them and yourself. Some families are in denial and would expect you stay in an abusive marriage no matter what. please let all these stories help you to make a decision. A pastor once said..he's had to advice separation for some couples while things get sorted and where a woman's life is at risk divorce becomes inevitable.
Please be realistic in your relationship and make sensible decisions