Being Thankful While Waiting to be Parents

Seeing the picture above recently reminded me of the fact that we have been waiting to be parents for a couple of years now, and while currently working actively towards getting a child into our life, we have been taking it step by step, not stressing over it, and thankful for what we do have and share.

Some months ago we determined to start the process of foster care and adoption and attended the relevant training we needed to put us in a frame of mind to have a child or children in our home.

Some say it is easier to do things when you're younger, like getting married or having children. I'm not talking about being physically able to do either, but about the mental state required to do these things. Now, it's not that doing those things are easier at that stage, just that when you're younger, you don't overthink these things. This could be a bad thing, as some people make mistakes, but it could also be good if you're wise and luck is on your side, or you keep educating yourself and growing together, with your husband and with your children.

When you're older, you're definitely wiser, and you may have learned from other people's experiences all that could go wrong. You analyse and weight each decision minutely before you go ahead. The training we had were packed with resources to educate and inform aspiring foster and adoptive parents, and develop our parenting skills.

When Are You Having Children?

Some people keep saying how surprised they were, and still are that I came out about my infertility. For some, it's the whole religious "confess positively", which I actually understand, but by putting it out there, I believe I' getting even more positive thoughts and prayers from you guys, right? And for the others I have this following answer. It is easier to say it than to try to avoid the question and comments that almost always come when people  know you're married for up to a year.

"When are you going to have kids?"

"Are you pregnant, you look pregnant?"

"You like ice cream and chocolate? You must be pregnant!"

Atala and I celebrated four years of marriage last February, and we do not have kids. My infertility story is on this blog [read here], but on this post, I'll like to look at how  people's attitudes about marriage, pregnancy and infertility may affect women and couples trying to concieve via ART, IVF, or building their family through adoption

I want to talk about the unrelenting questions and insinuations childless women receive and how much it can hurt, confuse and pressure their marriages and the decisions they make.

The Rollercoasters of Life

I remember as a child and my biggest test of my endurance would be writing my exams and waiting the couple of weeks or so for the results to come out. After a while, it wasn't even that nail-biting. After coming in the first ten most of primary school, you kind of begin to take it for granted that you will always excel.

And somehow, that has been true in most cases for me. I got one of the top scores in the common entrance exams and got admited to the best school in town, I got the highest score in my state to get into science school for my senior secondary, I was among the top three results in WAEC in my school and I got admission the same year. I was also the best graduating student from my department in university.

It wasn't all rosy though. Yes, I passed JAMB, but I didn't make the cut-off for my first choice which was to study medicine. I may have passed top of my class to graduate university, but I did not make First Class. It took me four years after graduating - after waiting for a scholarship that never came - to get a "good job". And another two years before I could begin my master's programme.

Make The Happy You Want To Be

Some quotes are cliche until you undergo specific events or experiences. Does one see a white light when they are under general anesthesia or do they float outside and above their body? Does becoming a mother make every woman a conservative republican? You can only live it to know it, LOL. On a personal level, while I've learnt to own my infertility, it becomes more difficult to explain it to someone else.

Like on this blog, I usually do it in a very simple and straightforward manner. I try to tell them the truth as I understand it. The difficulty is that everyone understands it differently, and because procreation is such a big part of life, most people have an opinion, and a strong one at that, on how it should be done. Presenting a more individual, this-is-my-story perspective is often misunderstood.

A few comments have asked why Infertility instead of TTC? But the fact is that this series is more than trying to conceive. If you believe, like I do, that God has given us all things for this life, and to be like Him, through our knowledge of Christ, it gives one a lot of insight. If there's anything I will need in this life, it is already given, and I don't have to beg or cajole or push my own will at God. I only have to trust and to accept and to live my life.

Infertility, Bravery, Building Networks of Support

Sometimes the unfairness of my infertility bugs me and I am tempted to compare. Why is that teenager having a child after just one sexual encounter and after years of loving sex with my husband, I can't? How could that 60 years old woman who did IVF in South Africa have had twins and I had a failed IVF? Atala and I had been pretty decent human beings, so why did we have to suffer this delay and difficulty is building our family?

Having to Choose - IVF versus Adoption

To summarize for those just joining us, Atala and I had been married three years, trying to get pregnant for over two years, and had about a year of fertility tests and assisted reproductive therapy (ART). The doctor's diagnosis was unexplained infertility. My laid back personality allowed me to take each day as it came but there was some anxiety and disappointment as the results for each stage came - positive if it was a medical test, and negative if it was a pregnancy test. Yes, most things were OK with my body, but I just was not getting pregnant. You can read more on the infertility page.

The Ticking Biological Clock

If all the talk one hears is to be believed, most women have their biological clock start ticking once they hit puberty. At the most, you block your ears to it until you're thirty, and then BAM, it smacks you in the face. To be honest, mine has been quite muted if it's been ticking at all.

A Failed IVF Caused by Non viable Eggs

It is quite difficult when you have always assumed you would have children, to then find out that you need some form of treatment in order to conceive. But it shifts the ground from under you when even that treatment fails. In the cases, it is only the grace of God and the reactions of the people around you to stabilize you. I thank God for my faith, for the person He has made me to be, and for the man I chose to go through life with.

My First IVF Experience

I think I first heard about IVF in my late teens. This couple, our family friends, had not conceived in almost twenty years of marriage and the woman later had twins through IVF. This was in the 90s and it was called test-tube baby. Luckily for me, my parents were overjoyed for her and though it was announced on sorta like the hush-hush, it wasn't too secret either and those in our social circle did not treat her with stigma.

Infertility is a Medical Diagnosis

A lot of people still have various ignorant and unfounded ideas about infertility. Some believe it is a curse from the wicked witches in your village, or it is a sign from God for you to repent and be saved, or you need to pray more, or you must have had uncountable sexual partners; or had numerous abortions, or you need to resign from your job, etc, etc. It makes me wonder if those people have even bothered to read even the most general information on infertility?

Our Road to In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF)

Atala and I started TTC (trying to conceive) around October 2009. By April the following year, we notched it up and I started checking my temperature to monitor ovulation. We had then been married just over a year and moved into the new house we bought. The new place had more room, and I considered the spare room will turn to the baby's in due course. In the meantime, we called it the arctic room as we joked and cuddled under the duvet in the warm embrace of each other.

A Different Path to Parenting

I was thinking I'd return to regular blogging immediately but with the outpouring of support on the last post, I want to thank you all for your comments. I might not be able to answer you individually but hopefully as time goes on, I will explore my thoughts on some of the questions and comments. One thing I can assure you is this: it's certainly not the end. Owning the infertile label does not mean loss of hope or lack of faith, it simply means acceptance so I can fully embrace options open to me in this place and time, and to an honest and loving life with my partner for life.

Coming out of the Closet of Infertility

"...one in four ever-married women of reproductive age in most developing countries are infertile because of primary or secondary infertility." WHO estimate

I know some of you will be shocked or surprised. Some may have guessed or were wondering. Well, wonder no more. I am coming out. I have medical problems getting pregnant, and I need assisted reproductive therapy to conceive. In fact, I may never get pregnant and may never bear biological children. In one way or the other, infertility has been part of who I am for the past two years and may always be. I own it. I am an infertile.

I decided to come out and also blog about my infertility experience because of the following;