Tips for a Healthy Marriage - Sex

I'm not the most comfortable dishing advice on relationships, because I'm still learning myself day by day, but I just feel ike I should share some of these lessons that I'm on the course for too. I want a healthy and happy marriage, and each day I work towards it. I read, I dream, I imagine, and I put some in practice. Over the coming week, I'll be sharing some of these with you.

Number one on the list is sex, and not just sex, but regular satisfying sex. The kind of adjectives that should come to mind, or used to describe one's sex life should be words like often, every day, every other day, or at least once a week. When you begin to hear, or think about words like once a month, seldom, or rarely, there is trouble in the land. When never enters the conversation, that is the death knell for a supposedly romantic relationship.

No Condoms, No Sex

One of the decisions any one who is sexually active has to make is what to use for protection against STIs and pregnancy. Condom is usually the simplest choice, though sometimes a few people allow either embarassment or shame prevent them from stocking up. The women think it's for the men to sort out, after all, they want sex more and will be the ones to use the condom. The men leave it for the women to take care of, after all they're the ones who'll get pregnant, right? At the end no one has a condom and it is time to do the do, what happens then?

Damiel Ademinokan has produced this wonderful short film titled No Jersey, No Match on this issue. One thing I appreciate is when a thematic movie uses very creative story telling to pass its message rather than have someone talking like they're on a pulpit. In that sense, this movie is one of the best didactic short films I've seen, perfectly scored, good acting, good writing, all the good stuff. Enjoy, and if you're sexually active, always have your condoms on stand-by :)

A Sex Manual For Beginner Couples

Missionary Position

The title of the book is the "Newlywed's Guide to Physical Intimacy" and it was written by Jewish Rabbi and sex therapist, Dvid Ribner with Orthodox researcher Jennie Rosenfeld. The manual "starts with the very basics - explaining, for example, how the body shape of men and women differs". According to the author, "Judaism regards sex as something positive, but it has become taboo to discuss it openly," which reminds me a lot of the Nigerian cultural and religious stand on sex. According to the BBC,

Ultra-Orthodox boys and girls are educated separately, and have little interaction with the opposite sex until their marriage night, when they are expected to consummate their union.

Physical touch with the opposite sex - even something like a handshake - is only permitted with one's spouse and close family members. Access to films and the internet is often restricted.

"We wanted there to be a place where people could say, 'I know nothing and I want to know something,'" says Ribner.

"Sex is only appropriate within a marital context," he says. "Beyond that it's not talked about. Because of that, it's become very difficult for people to have any kind of dialogue about it."

5 Ways For Women to Enjoy Sex

I just read a post that reminded me of a similar post here when Dear Myne just started, of a newly wedded wife who had pains each time she tried to have sex with the husband. Check it out, [Dear Myne - It is Difficult to have Sex with my Husband! ] there are loads of very informative comments. This one is about of a young wife who is wondering if she's circumcised and if that's a reason she does not enjoy sex with her husband of 2 years.

On the issue of circumcision and pleasure during sex, I know that even circumcised ladies enjoy sex, so no one need worry about that. For those who really want to know, you can put a mirror between your legs and look at your vagina. If there is a protruding part at the top of the two side lips, you're not circumcised.

For the lady who did not enjoy sex, I had some questions,

1. Have you ever pleasured yourself? That is the first way to know what works for you. Use your fingers and touch yourself, no need to even put it inside you, just play with your outer lips, and imagine you're enjoying sex with your husband.

Moving On or Out of a Relationship After Infidelity

When a man and a woman enter an exclusive relationship, the assumption or expectation is that they would remain faithful to each other. In a marriage you actually swear it. But this doesn't stop either party sometimes to look outside, for someone else to meet their sexual or emotional needs.

Therefore, finding out that your partner, whether married or still dating, has cheated on you can be a huge blow. When this happens, so many questions run through the mind of the person whose trust has been broken. Atala and I have attempted to answer those question with practical tips on how to decide whether to remain or leave the relationship.

How can I get past the fact that my man was intimate with somebody else? 

Well, this is a matter very much of your feelings, and unfortunately feelings cannot simply be switched on or off, so to some extent, it will take time and a forgiving mindset from your part.

15 Tips On How To Build A Healthy Relationship

1. Choose a partner wisely and well. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others. [More - 15 Topics for Couples thinking of Marriage]

2. Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships. You don't want to fall in love with someone who expects lots of dishonesty in relationships; they'll create it where it doesn't exist. [More - Expectations from Relationships]

3. Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love. [More - Love is More than Sex]

4. Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs.  Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.

10 Things Women Like to Hear From Their Men

They say women love to hear lies from their men, as long as that is what they want at that point in time. Personally, and some women I know have said the same, I prefer genuineness in a guy. I want to know you're being honest in our interactions and telling me the truth most of the time. I want a guy who will allow me watch my 30mins of E! and still discuss politics when we need to.

However, some men find it hard figuring out how to put their feelings and emotions about their ladies into words that are real and not too flowery. So this one is for the men who love us. Do you sometimes find yourself struggling to find the right things to say to the lady in your life? Whether you are in a committed relationship or wanting to take your relationship to the next level, here are 10 ways to talk and engage with your woman.

1. “You’re very smart.”
I know I want to be appreciated for my intelligence. It could be her book-smarts or street smarts but complimenting your woman on how savvy she is in different situations show that you're paying attention, and seeing the whole package, not just to her body.

Do Nigerian Men Give their Women Oral?

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Love is Way More Than Sex - Two Men Speak

I have said it before that I'm tiring of the relationship between Olivia and the President in Scandal, an American TV show. At first, Atala wondered if it was my conservative side kicking in because they were basically committing adultery, but it wasn't it. I explained that since the first few episodes where they were portrayed as star crossed lovers living separate lives with broken hearts, these days their relationship was all about the sex. For a romantic like me, love is more than sex. If I cannot connect with you emotionally, then the sex is just a physical urge any other man, or even a sex toy, can satisfy.

In his review of the episode of Scandal that put a stop to my Ollie/Fitz fanclub membership, Harry wrote about the dangers of tying love too close to sex,

...I think the Writers should explore other angles to their love. 80% of the time we see Fitz and Olivia expressing their love to each other is when they are having sex. To me, it just means that Mellie is bad in bed and Olivia is compensating. The writers should explore dialogues and use events to show that the love they have for each other is way more than the sex... because to me I feel once the sex starts to suck, the love won’t prevail.

Abstinence and Love - From a Man's Point of View

Yesterday, the dear myne post went up and brought in some really illuminating comments from Chukky Eboka, who went into a lot of detail to explain his stand. While I do not completely agree with him, I do see many valid points he makes, some of which I've blogged about before. I have shared some excerpts from his view point below;

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I'm offering up opinion from a male perspective- but here we have all these women telling us how we should feel. I'm quite sure the guy in question will be in the same age range as me, and he is in the UK just as I am. I can share a lot of how he feels- and i am explaining it to her. but the problem with relationships is that we never listen to the opposite side.

Pray tell me of some other way an upwardly mobile, intelligent, fast paced lifestyle young heterosexual male has to establish his territory around a particular female he fancies. any way you come up with will no doubt be some vanilla experience that only a woman can devise and which a man can replicate with his multitude of friends male or female.

12 Ties that Bind Long-Term Relationships by Susan Krauss Whitbourne,

1. Thinking positively about your partner. Having positive thoughts about your partner means that you focus on the good, not the bad, in your partner’s personal qualities and character. Ruminating about the things that bother you can only lead you to magnify the small foibles which will make your partner even more irritating to you than you would otherwise feel.  People in good relationships engage in “sentiment override,” meaning that they remember more of the favorable than the unfavorable experiences they’ve shared together.

2. Thinking about your partner when apart. When you leave your partner for the day, the evening, or for an extended period of time, do you forget about his or her existence? Is it out of sight and out of mind for you? If so, this may be a sign that you’re not that much in love. You don’t have to spend every second apart sighing longingly, but the fact that your partner isn’t there should at least cross your mind some of the time during the course of the average day.

3. Difficulty concentrating on other things when thinking about your partner. If you’re able to set aside your thoughts about your partner without much effort, this suggests that your partner takes up only a small amount of cognitive load.  Multitasking isn’t particularly desirable when it comes to musing over your loved one. In the O'Leary study, this factor was particularly important for men.

20 Signs Your Boyfriend is into You

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10 Mistakes Men Make in Relationships

We all know that relationships can be tough. They begin with an awkward dating period where both persons are on their best behavior. After a few months, those curtains start to unravel and you begin to see shadows of the real person.

Men often make a number of relationship blunders during these crucial initial phases, and we're here to help you recognize the ten worst ones. If you're just getting started in a relationship, or part of a long-term affair, get pen and paper. (Or, you could just print it!). You'll want to keep track of these tips.

Giving a woman too much power.
Guys usually get into trouble when they allow a woman to have too much (if not all) of the control in a relationship. She decides when you go out; she decides when you have sex; she decides which friends you can keep; and may even decide what color slacks you should wear to a party.

When People Say Men Must Rape

I try not to take most things too seriously, but there are issues that get my blood boiling. One of those topics is rape. Women and children continue to be the vast majority when victims of rape are numbered, and I find it galling that our culture would rather blame them or sweep the stories under the carpet, than face the men who perpetrate this hate crime, and deal them full and swift justice.

Now, someone who reads this blog, has written an article for YNaija that seems to be in response to my earlier post, Lets talk to the men who rape, shall we?

In his article, he agrees with my point that a lot of Nigerian men struggle with thoughts of rape, or may have raped before. [This I think is due to the heavily partriarchal culture in Nigeria, where women are expected to be subservient to men, and women's bodies are seen as owned by their men or the society].

A Woman Tries to Kill Husband Through Oral Sex

Or Death by the Poisoned Vagina Chronicles. SMH. An allegedly murderous wife tried to kill her husband by putting poison in her vagina and asking him to give her oral sex. The Mirror UK reports;

"A woman is being sued by her husband for allegedly trying to kill him by putting poison in her genitals and then asking him to perform oral sex. The Brazilian wife is accused of planting a toxic substance on her genitals before luring her husband to bed. Reports in the South American country suggest he was ready and willing, and only escaped death because he noticed a strange smell. The curious husband then took his wife to hospital in Sao Jose do Rito Preto to find out the cause of the unusual odour. The alleged attempt on his life was exposed when tests on his wife discovered traces of a poisonous substance down below."

When I hear news like this, or some episodes of Dateline and 48hr Mysteries, I wonder. What drives a partner to murder, or plot to murder their spouses? In this woman's case, wasn't she scared that the toxic stuff she put in her vagina could poison her too? This life, na wa!

10 Pointers About Discussing Sex with your Partner

The most common sex issue faced by otherwise happily married couples? Not surprisingly, it’s the "not enough” factor. Couples often end up bemused and confused by a marriage that’s dimmed in sexual intensity or frequency.

The fact is, "Sexual issues in otherwise good marriages are often resolvable.” But—and you knew this was coming, right?!—you have to talk…to your spouse…about sex. Here are some pointers about discussing the subject with a less-than-talkative hubby.

1. Don’t broach the subject in bed.
Right before or after sex, when you’re naked, is not the best time to examine faults or dissect performance, says Sharky. "It’s when we’re at our most vulnerable.” Plus, your bedroom, and certainly your bed, should be a sanctuary, not a place to air grievances. Instead, choose a pleasant but neutral place, such as a restaurant that’s romantic enough to be relaxing (and noisy enough for a reasonable amount of privacy!).

On the 10 Commandments to (Single) Women

I agree with a lot of what has been listed which seems directed to single women. My thoughts on each commandment below...

1. Dont be in a hurry to move out of ur parents house.
Depends. If you live and work in the same city as your parents, AND they are respect you as an adult woman, it makes sense to live with them and save your money. If there are better job or study opportunities elsewhere, or your parents keep treating you like a child at 30, then move. You can seek out flatmates that share your values if you're not comfortable living alone.


2. Dont wait for a man before you start living. You can live a fulfilled life as a single woman.
She nails this one. I doubt this can be said often enough. As much as I am a romantic and believe firmly in marriage at the right time and to the right person, I agree that fulfilment lies in the individual, and so even when you're single, you can take joy and pride in your life and set goals that give you a sense of accomplishment along the way.

Let's Talk to the Men Who Rape - Shall We?

There is often the perception that men who rape are beasts and animals, the dregs of society. But is that really true? I think we make a mistake when we equate rapists with murderers, violent delinquents, street touts, depraved armed robbers, etc. In my experience, and that of a few women I've spoken with, or heard their stories, rapists are more usually the men around you, men you know.

It could be a male friend, coursemate, colleague, or neighbour. In some terrible instances, it could be someone related to you, a father, brother, and for some women, a boyfriend or a husband. Now, I know, I know. I am being heavily gender biased. A contributor to a thread on Facebook almost derailed a discussion on rape by bringing up the fact that women rape too, and that men can equally be victims of rape. I will not deny that.

However, history, statistics and current events, as well as shared experiences show that rape is a crime that is predominantly committed against women. So I'll focus on male rape against women here. As I was saying, rapists are not always strangers. In the sensational Abia rape case last year, the victim knew some of her rapists, and called them by name. They were not armed robbers, they were not street touts, they were university students.

Are Men Willing to Wait till Marriage?

A lot of the posts I have shared on this blog on celibacy and abstinence, both for personal or religious reasons, have been mostly focused on women. Someone sent me a Dear Myne post, asking how to find true love as she is celibate. Another sent in a comment that some men who will accept to abstain from sex with their women are often not interesting.

The articles I have written on this issue are more middle of the road, taking both genders into account, either as singles, or as people in a relationship.

One question that hasn't been really tackled here, and which I found while looking through the search phrases for my blog is the title of this post. Are men willing to wait till marriage? I know for certain that some men are, the question for the ladies may be, where are they and are they enough?

Top 10 Sexiest Nigerian Bachelors by Emeh Achanga

OK, I didn’t say eligible, I said sexy. This list is a compilation gathered from people’s opinion poll, twitter,facebook, and blogs. My sexiest bachelors are handsome , appealing, friendly, generous ,rich and of course, sexy. You might not agree with this list but If you look closely, you will realize that they are sexy indeed. These are men who are in relationships, single or snatchable. lol. So ladies, fasten your seatbelt, put on some heels, throw on that sexy LBD, as we enter the race of SEXIEST NIGERIAN BACHELORS.

10: UTI NWACHUKWU