A lot of the posts I have shared on this blog on celibacy and abstinence, both for personal or religious reasons, have been mostly focused on women. Someone sent me a Dear Myne post, asking how to find true love as she is celibate. Another sent in a comment that some men who will accept to abstain from sex with their women are often not interesting.
The articles I have written on this issue are more middle of the road, taking both genders into account, either as singles, or as people in a relationship.
One question that hasn't been really tackled here, and which I found while looking through the search phrases for my blog is the title of this post. Are men willing to wait till marriage? I know for certain that some men are, the question for the ladies may be, where are they and are they enough?
One could be glib and say, go to church and you'll find the celibate men, but this may not necessarily be true. A lot of Christian men, even in church, are having sex either with fellow church members or with non-Christians. So one has to decide what they are looking for, self control is the common denominator if you ask me. Whether in church or out, I say there are men willing to wait for sex till marriage.
Since it seems it's mostly women that are worried about the celibacy issue, I have one suggestion. Don't be so hung up on your abstinence that it defines you and every relationship you go into. Relax a bit, talk about other things, be rounded and versatile, find things to do that will get you and your partner out of the house or bedroom and try to be active.
That way, maybe before you know it, you and your beau would have bonded and he is ready to wait for you and follow you anywhere.
For some more details, you may want to check out this post on tips for young singles and couples who want to remain celibate. And then there was the controversial discussion that followed my views on premarital sex and the mature single.
What are your thoughts?
It is pretty hard for a sexually active man to suddendly abstain from sex because his woman does not want to have sex. He might decide to get it somewhere else while he waits to marry his woman. Self control is the ish and most men lack that.
ReplyDeleteI agree. I have seen it.
DeleteI would say some, rather than most men. There are good men out there, and I have one too :)
Delete... but there are some who have it - self-control and in a disciplined way, control their sexual life...
ReplyDeletei agree that there are but the truth is that they are very few who will cos at some point they will break and end the relationship
DeleteFor me, the important thing is not so much the waiting as it is the reason for the waiting. Are men willing to wait? I know a lot who are, because they know it's the only way. Waiting is not easy, but then it's not as hard as a lot of people make out.
ReplyDeleteIn response to the question, just as in the case of women, some are willing to wait, some are not. I guess you already answered that in the post though
ReplyDeleteYou asked, are they enough? well, who knows :), I believe the majority of men wont wait though, somehow, society tends to think sexual purity is a woman's prerogative and would rather frown on the woman who doesnt abstain that the man who doesnt. Hence making it easier for the men not to wait.
I remember having to share a hotel room with a male friend many years back and having the other guys tease him, stating that the only reason i let him share the room is cos the whole world knows he's "gameless"...lol. Being the tough skinned guy that he was, he didnt budge and he did get married still a virgin at 31.
Kudos to that guy, I am also a virgin at almost 30 but not found someone to marry yet.
DeleteYou will find someone soon. The deal is, it has to be your right person, then everything will be perfect. Virginity is dignity, not a prize or trophy to give your husband or wife, its for yourself and worth.
DeleteIt's like a hitch, no! It's more than that, it is a super craze, but there are still men who can overcome the craze and wait till marriage, but it isn't easy o jare, especially if you have had sexual experience. Celibacy till marriage is a respectable choice and if a man loves a woman, he can wait but...I say again...it's not easy o!
ReplyDeleteWell...I feel that it all depends on the celibate party i.e the one who intends to be celibate. A man can't love you less because you refuse to have sex with him, i cant't say if he'll love you more either. One thing i know is this, deep down within you, you must ask yourself these questions: 1. Is this what you want for yourself or are you being pressurized?
ReplyDelete2. Do you feel it would make the relationship work?
3. How will you feel about yourself after sex with him.
4. Will you feel settled within yourself if at the end of the day, the relationship works or not?
Most times, people don't realize that you do not have to change yourself to please anyone. When the right man or woman comes, he or she will wait for you.
Not in this time and present generation, most men of today will not wait for sex till after marriage, that's just the truth because am using myself as an example, I have lost so many relationships because I refuse them sex untill after marriage and they end up leaving the relationship, a guy I sincerely felt something for left me for another girl and is busy flaunting her picture for me to see, simply because I refused him sex until after marriage, that's just my offence against him, so what do u say to that.
ReplyDeleteHe was never yours to be with, so him leaving should never bother you. See its not about him or them, but about you. See its not about being celibate, but what your reason is, for me, it was God, and it wasnt about me, it was about God.
DeleteIn my dating days, I had so many guys, my friends lost track, and nothing was happening between myself and them. Today I am married, and not one of them can ever say anything negative about me.
The right guy who sees a treasure, will wait till he can flaunt it, you just havent met the right guy yet. Hold on, and keep praying, all the while transforming yourself into the right woman.
I have been sexually active for years. Twice, I decided to abstain, but failed quickly. It's very VERY hard for a man to resist sex once he has started enjoying it.
ReplyDeleteIf my fiancee wants us to wait till marriage, I'm ready to abstain from sex. I know it will be a hard, tough battle, but it's possible. I expect she will be able to help me through the journey.
Another issue is the kind/type of sex. When she insists on his abstinence, does she rule out all forms of sexual activity? Or does she rule out only full, penetrative sex? Would she still participate in kissing, handjobs, maybe oral sex?
I think there are *some* men that are able to abstain until marriage. I'd be a bit suspicious though...
ReplyDeleteYou would be suspicious of a guy who abstains? No pleasing women it seems.
DeleteSex does not define a relationship but it does spice one up. There's some form of dignity attached to virginity (for the female) but its somewhat difficult to abstain or stay celibate. Men these days do not openly admit but really respect a girl who has managed to keep her legs closed as celibacy is fast becoming extinct. If a man truly loves you he would mostly and definitely get frustrated with your choice especially one who is sexually active but he will stick with you. My sister has chosen celibacy till marriage, she's on the 5th guy now and he's waiting. Celibacy does not determine or guarantee anyone true love though, you may be respected but not loved so just open your eyes and do what's best for you.
ReplyDeletehttp://theglamfile.blogspot.com
I really really Love this post Myne! Relationships are like gambling, you win some and of course, there'd be a lose somehow.. There's never anything sure even when you don't show the abstinence as a trump card.. Oh well.. I guess it works for some and doesn't for other.. Great post!
ReplyDeletewww.chachacorner.com
I agree with you Myne.. enoy the relationship with the man and maybe he will be willing to wait. There are guys who are willing to wait-VERY FEW. even outside the church.
ReplyDeleteA woman is more likely to abstain than a man. My opinion. If he's not the one coming up with the suggestion of being celibate, it may be difficult to talk him into it.
ReplyDeleteLove this post!
ReplyDeleteI am totally all for men and abstinence and I know a few.. I think guys just don't talk about it as much as ladies do so we hear only the other side..
But it is possible by God's grace xx
I really have to agree with you. I think the thing about most cases is that the women forget that they, themselves, are individuals outside of their abstinence so they let abstinence define them as opposed to being a part of them. (If that makes any sense)
ReplyDeleteInfact, I've known many men who are willing to wait but refuse to be with a celibate woman because whenever any thing close to any of that arises in a conversation she is quick to mention celibacy. I mean, it might even have nothing to do directly with sex. He might be saying he likes 'moukafoam' beds and the woman responds "I'm celibate" lol
lol
Deletelol I feel you on that
DeleteI agree with you Myne, and with Tobi too that VERY FEW men are willing to wait. Yes, very few.
ReplyDeleteFor both men and women, It is absolutely possible to abstain from sex till marriage. It takes more than just decision; but deep conviction and some level of spirituality.my fiance and I stayed celibate for the 3Yrs we dated /courted .and we had done same even before we met.two of a kind someone may say.well,we had values which we held in high esteem and were willing to pursue trusting God to help us.sharing love iss not just about sex; rather it's more about caring for each other and having loads of fun together which could be achieved outside the bedroom(winks).actually that's how God planned it.only within the context of marriage des sex bring all the peace, comfort , joy,respect that is to be derived from it.we are married now and we have a wonderful sex life; it was absolutely worth the wait.
ReplyDeleteI waited for 4 years and that had a lot to do with my christian convictions and high moral standards. Of course, we had a few moments where passions were flamed but we had the mental strength to cut if off before we got to a breaking point. The key thing is an agreement between both parties, I and my wife mutually agreed that we won't go there, and that kept us in check, so the most important thing is to get someone who agrees with you. However, if you do stumble and fall, the grace of GOD is very much available. I know couple who verbally and mentally agreed to be celibate but somewhere along the line faltered, they are happily married now.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when the issue of celibacy is overemphasised by the woman, it becomes a problem where you can't keep a relationship or even becomes frigid after married. During our relationship we barely talked about being celibate or not but we knew there's an agreement to be pure before marriage. I did have great friends to discuss with when I had concerns in this area and it helped.
Meet some guy you love, enjoy the relationship but don't over-emphasize the celibacy issue. There's more to a union than sex.
Demashi.....
I agree, I think honestly a lot of us are more caught up with the sexual part of the relationship than all the other things that a good relationship is also about. If your mind is so zeroed in on a particular thing in this case to have sex or not to have sex, one will discover that that is all both parties will talk about or think about, and it is either they do it or break up because of it.
DeleteAlso, and this can never ever be stressed enough, find someone that agrees with you and is willing to walk with you, that is the only way something as challenging as celibacy can be easier to handle.
Absolutely love this topic, Myne. With the way a man's sex drive is on the uphill, it takes the grace of God and a strong will not to engage in sex before marriage.
ReplyDeleteUsually, a man wants to 'conquer' a woman by sleeping with her and see where it goes from there. If you give him sex all the time, I wonder why he needs to make any effort to marry you.
Maybe he will marry you because there are other things about you more than sex?
DeleteI'm male, single, almost 30, a virgin, and in Nigeria LoL!
ReplyDeleteMy now hubby of 3 yrs didnt have a choice, I was at a stage in my life where I wasnt compromising God, and that was one of the things I told him about. Recently I asked him what would have happened if we ended up making a mistake prior to marriage and he said, "I probably wouldnt have married you". Granted we didnt court long, but even in my relationship prior to his, that was part of my ground rules.
ReplyDeleteBy the way all this, was not just celibacy, but no hands below the waist, didnt change in front of them, I would enter bathroom to change and lock the door, and we didnt sleep on the same bed, though we sometimes fell asleep watching tv in the living room.
I got married at 29 by the way.
A man will treat you as you let him treat you. My younger sister is almost 29 and a virgin and she understands there cant be any compromise. I am an example that marriage is sweet when God is in charge, sex can last for a few mins, but you want something solid enough to last an eternity.
I tink a relationship wt no premarital sex wuld only work out wen both partners av d same value system n are in agreement.u wasting ur time if dis isn't d case.most men however aint willing to wait,dts d sad truth.
ReplyDeleteHi Myne, abstinence is first a personal decision, but the problem i've with most men is this; tell a man to wait and he is like WHAT???? Are you for real and BAM! They move on to the next sister who is willing to be a CHEERFUL GIVER......now am wondering if there are men out there, who will be willing to wait, i mean wait and still be faithful.........
ReplyDelete