So there was this discussion where a woman asked if she should leave her husband since they're childless. Apparently, there's nothing wrong with her fertility but the husband has low sperm count. I was surprised at the number of comments that called on the woman to consider adoption because I somehow assumed that most Nigerians do not accept or support adoption.I've heard of some couples who secretly adopt and try to pass the child off as their own. I've heard people say they can never adopt, or advice people they know to adopt. They bring up all sorts of reasons why it's a bad idea to adopt, most of them emotional and maybe based on tradition. We don't do it in our family, they say, or what will people say? Others ask, what do you know of the child, and what if his/her parents have a shady past or background?
Personally, I've always been a supporter of adoption, and still hope to adopt a child someday, as a baby or a child. I will definitely advise any couple struggling with fertility issues to adopt, I read somewhere that it actually reduces the stress on them and may ease their own conception. It's also a way of giving back that is very non-self serving, if at the same time, very rewarding. In this instance, I kinda think nurture trumps nature. My parents brought up a lot of children, including relatives and househelps, and even if they didn't legally adopt them, it is the same difference. I don't agree it is not our tradition.
I'll quit rambling now.What about you, what do you think? Would you adopt?
I have three adopted siblings, and they've brought a lot of joy to our lives. I definitely believe in nurture over nature.
ReplyDeleteThe tradition thing is something I can't comment on as I'm not Nigerian, but I do know that a lot of people of all backgrounds prefer biological kids over non-biological kids. I don't understand it, but I respect it.
adoption is good. I would not mind adopting one if need be. The only problem however is that, we talk too much in this part of our world and for that matter, tend to jeopardize everything with our own words.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that most Nigerians would shy away from adoption as an option to parenting a child. However I know some people who adopted babies "secretly"!
ReplyDeleteYes, I would adopt if the need arises. I do not see it as a taboo.
I have no issues with adoption. Like everything in life (as a Christian), one should do it prayerfully of course.
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ReplyDeleteI support adoption and would like to adopt sometime in the future.
ReplyDeleteBut I think one of the fears people nurse is, what if they adopt a child and don't bond with the child? Or love the children differently if they later on have biological children?
I am for adoption. But our culture and traditions, coupled with the greatest killer of all times, 'what people will say' deny so many of the joy of being parents!
ReplyDeleteI also agree with what Priscy said about being talking too much in this part of the world..
However, Naija has come a long way oh. People are adopting now, secretly or otherwise, it is happening.
A lady I know one on one finally adopted a child at 50, after 17 years of marriage, before we could all blink, she had 2 other children almost immediately...3 kids in about 3 years, and she had waited for 17 year! We can see that as soon as most parents adopt children they get pregnant, so that process is like 2 blessings in one! Adoption is not an abomination...we bring up other people's children, this is just followed by the signing of a lot of papers, why frown at it and get buried under the onslaught of emotional pain?
Kai, if only we can really 'be free oh!'
I love this
Deletei'm all for adoption. i hope to adopt when i get married, praying my husband isn't one of those opposed to the idea.
ReplyDeletei think in recent days, Nigerians have become open to the idea.
a family friend married for over 2o years and childless, decided to adopt, before their adoptive child tuned one she was pregnant, and now she's got three beautiful children.
I agree with Oluchi, I like the idea of it, my fear is that I wouldn't bond with the child the way I would with my own child, that's enough to put me off as I can never do that to a child in need of love
ReplyDeleteInteresting how I come across a post on adoption after watching this movie entitled Orphan last night, which pretty much made me reconsider my stance on adoption...
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I believe in adoption as there are many loving families and loving children who can benefit from one another.
I've had this post on my mind but didn't just know where to start from. I don't why traditionally adoption is not accepted. But seriously I want my first child to be adopted, I've been saying this for too long and well it would depend on the Mr. too sheh, my fear of adoption is that our society may not accept the child as mine and go on with the bullying and talking trash to the child, so really if I want to adopt a child I might do it in a way nobody would know the child is adopted, including the child, this is not for selfish reasons but because I would want the child to be treated equally.
ReplyDeleteI think adoption is important. However, I think the responsibility is there to be a good parent--whether you adopt or have children on your own.
ReplyDeleteAdoption is not a bad thing....although personally I have that fear of "the baby's history" thing. But there's nothing wrong with it
ReplyDeleteI think it depends on what you want. I'm not that interested in having kids (although things could change), so adoption seems like more of a hassle, if you look at it from the perspective of someone who wasn't planning on having any kids in the first place.
ReplyDeleteNow if I do change my mind, there's still a lot of emotional stuff to go over -- the child will probably want to know his/her biological parents at some point. Not quite sure how I'll deal with that.
I'm rambling...
Well, this is a very delicate topic and one that is yet to gain popularity in our part of the world. I have seen a man thrown out of his fathers house after his father's death just cos he was adopted. And the thing is that while the man was alive, this boy was his 1st child!(he was older than the man's biological kids) I guess thats the reason adopt secretly - to protect the child. People are getting more aware now which is a good thing cos there are lots of children who need love and lots of families these children can bring laughter to. I ask God for guidance, SHIKENA!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much for the comments.
ReplyDelete@Priscy and Zouzou, I don't understand what you mean about people talking too much. Is it that the child's adoption ought to be kept secret and some people won't respect that?
@Thanks Christine, you're right that it is universal, most people want to have their own biological children. I only used Nigerians as an example because I have also seen the same attitude in some Americans too.
ReplyDelete@Oluchi, that's a very good point. But I think the better question is, do parents love all their biological children equally and the same? I don't think so. I know some who have favorites, either due to the child's birth circumstances or just the way they are.
ReplyDelete@Zouzou and FQ, those testimonies are just awesome!
@Pretty Lashes, I feel you, but what of volunteers who work with disadvantaged children. Will you say that because they can't love them like their biological children, they shouldn't bother loving and caring for them at all?
@Coy Introvert, this is definitely a delicate subject, I had to think hard before posting :) I think, and please this is me mulling, it is a fallacy to expect equality sometimes. I use gender as an example, will men and women ever be treated exactly the same? I doubt that. What is more important is that they're treated fairly. As we become educated, we should imbibe structures that enforce such equity.
ReplyDelete@Buzzer! I thank God that people are getting more enlightened. I think if the man had left a will, such a situation wouldn't have arisen. It is just like families that dispossess a widow, will one not get married any more because of that? Food for thought.
@Azuka, I actually had the opposite idea, that is, adoption is easier for one who initially didn't want children. Maybe cos I see childbirth as more of a hassle than signing a bunch of papers. :)
ReplyDeleteBut you're right about thinking in advance about the future and having to deal with emotional issues an adopted child might face. For me, that is the toughest aspect.
I'm all for adoption. Nigerians now are more exposed and adopt openly. I have an aunt that just adopted a baby this year after almost 20years of marriage and no kids. She is very open about it and is proud to show off her daughter.
ReplyDeleteMyne, it's amazing you're talking about this today. I was just discussing the issue with a friend not 3 hours ago.
ReplyDeleteWe are going to adopt two children. I shall tell you all about it as soon as I have something to eat! (Just getting back and all and I am knackered).
Che, your aunt may not know it but I'm sure she's an inspiration to a lot of women.
ReplyDelete@Igbomarriage, Welcome and eat well. I'm waiting o :)
I think adoption is definitely a good idea, as there are so many kids out there in need of a loving home. But like some people have already mentioned, it's something that one has to think of and plan properly before going into (esp in Africa like the case of the boy thrown out after his father died shows). Whether or not to tell the child is one issue but I don't know how you could keep something like that secret from someone. For me, I'd like to think I would adopt if the need arises, and that I would treat my adopted child no different from my biological. To add to the testimonies, I also know a couple that waited years to have kids, went on to adopt, and after that had two more kids of their own. :)
ReplyDeleteYes Myne!!!
ReplyDeleteI also plan on adopting in the future...
My father is very skeptical about such things but the decision is between my future partner and I...
Speaking of which.. the "openness to adopting" has crept it's way into the criteria for a life partner ...
:-)
I'm not sure if I would adopt. However, I think having the option is a huge blessing, especially for those who are unable to conceive on their own. I fully support adoption. These are children who are either not wanted or are not with their biological parents because their lives would be worse off. It's a beautiful thing when someone opens their heart to a baby or a child not of their blood but love them deeper than any bloodline could breed.
ReplyDeleteAdoption is alright as long as the couple is in it for the right reasons and NOT the inability to conceive. If a couple finds having their own child top priority and fails...adopting a child wouldn't fill the void.
ReplyDeleteFunny, a friend and i were talking about adoption recently. we both plan to adopt in the future.
ReplyDeletei know two elderly ladies..co workers and friends of my mum who adopted two kids each. They are both so happy and proud of their kids. Infact even before the kids finally became theirs they had told family and friends about their decision to adopt,so there was no secrecy..which is better than all the side talks that would have erupted.
Nigeria is getting to be open to adoption......i think.
I'm all for adoption, but think both husband and wife have to agree with the same passion going into the process. I'm not Nigerian, so can't comment on the cultural aspects, but can see how that would be involved in a decision. Having said that, I know of several couples who couldn't have children, started the adoption process, and the wife became pregnant. So, don't know, don't know.
ReplyDeleteWhether I will adopt a child one day or not, I don't know but I have nothing against abortion. I will have to totally follow God's leading on that though if I am going to do it considering some of the points you have raised; e.g. the background of the child, e.t.c
ReplyDelete- LDP
the problem about adopting is that like someone said we talk too much in this part of the world. They will talk about the child not being the womans child or man's. blah blah blah. there by stigmatizing the child or the parents. I will not discourage anybody that adopts.
ReplyDeletewww.secretlilies.blogspot.com
I am all for adoption and we are still considering it. I also think Nigerians are becoming more open about adopting. Apart from the success stories/testimonies people who have adopted children are giving, some people just want to give back to society and that is a good thing. One of my cousins adopted a child shortly after marriage cos he said he wanted his first child to be adopted. 5years and @
ReplyDelete2 children later, they all seem to be doing good and living well.
Thanks I got my book in the mail this morning.
I wonder what I would be like for a woman to go through life with nurturing a child. If I cannot have kids, I will so adopt, tradition or no. Fortunately or unfortunately, some traditions are being overtaken by lots of foreign ideals. Hopefully, people should be able to adopt without fear of stigmitization. Think all the kids without hope or a clear future whose lives wld be better cos of adoption!
ReplyDelete*i wonder what it would be like for a woman to go through life without nurturing a child*
ReplyDeleteI meant **Adoption** and not abortion. haha
ReplyDelete- LDP
Ordinarily,i don't see anything wrong in it.But most women don't flow well with kids that are not theirs and i won't wanna be the reason why a child would be maltreated.To be on a safe side with my conscience,i won't engage in it.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for adoption. My mom set the pace 40 yrs ago.
ReplyDeleteI for one thought i was adopted for a long while. no i wasnt mistreated. i was just too black :)
I would definitely love to adopt. I love the beauty of it. But I'm not sure whether I am fit to be that adoptive parent that would love that child as much as my biological ones.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm definitely planning on taking care financially of a few kids whose parents or guardians cannot afford a better life for them.
But if i couldnt have any kids, I def would.
I think it's a very serious decision a couple must agree on, but for those who choose this, it can be very rewarding. It should not hinge on whether you are able or unable to have your own biological children.
ReplyDeleteI think everyone should consider adopting whether they can have kids biologically or not. We live in a world with millions of children without a home, and to place tradition over people's lives is selfish.
ReplyDeleteThere are so many unfit people out there who are having children and even adopting, if your home is stable, you should considering helping one child or two.
We should never let tradition, culture or society dictate the good that should be done. The question is it right and are you able and willing to?
I am for adoption. I am for quality foster care. And yes, there are the bad, but what in life does not have an evil side, that always becomes an excuse not to do good.
I could definitely adopt. I second the idea any day any time
ReplyDeleteAdiya
Muse Origins
Muse Origins FB
I think Nigerians have changed a lot about adopting. I have about 4 friends who have adopted openly, 2 have gone on to have their own natural children but you can't know the difference in the ways the children are loved or treated.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I intend to adopt a baby girl soon to complete our family.... we already have 2 boys
Adoption is good but the bad thing is that not many Nigerian families support it. I think one reason is this inheritance issue. "What if I have my baby one day and then the two start fighting over property", this is one common ramble. It's all about exposure and as for me, I totally support adoption, it's like God's way blessing some unfortunate families. You never know, you might just be adopting Good luck into your home.
ReplyDeleteas to inheritance issues, the nigerian constitution in sections in
Deletechapter two and four is against discrimination based on one's status,which could include the so-called 'illegitimate' or even adopted children.
Adoption is a wonderful thing ... the picture of the baby on this post is GORGEOUS!!! :)
ReplyDeleteI would totally adopt if need be and even if not necessary if my husband was in agreement. SO many kids out there need love.
ReplyDeleteSome babies/children and parents are simply not a good fit, adopted or not. People need to be able to accept that you get the child you get, whether via birth or adoption. S/he might have learning disabilities, or just love to play basketball, for instance, when both parents love to paint. If you can't love a child unconditionally, don't be a parent.
ReplyDeleteHi, great write up!!! Permission to repost - if i can figure out how its done :) I am a volunteer management member of an orphanage in lagos, Nigeria (The Heritage Homes Orphanage) and would love to share your post on our wall.
ReplyDeleteWelldone!
My mum plans to adopt now that we are all out of the house. Perhaps I will too, in the future, I would love to raise a child for God and for love. I think adoption is a beautiful thing.
ReplyDelete