I'm the laid back one, chill and relaxed. With age, I've learnt to accord things and situations the necessary seriousness, but most times, I'm happy to go with the flow. Atala on the other hand is more 'do-things-according-to-plan-and-schedule type. I do not see our personality types as opposites, but as complimentary to each other. Still, we've had some adjustments to make. February will be our third marriage anniversary, and Atala and I keep discovering each other and working on a balanced relationship.
This was echoed in an interview by author Dicey Grenor in Woman's Essence Magazine. When asked what attributes she thought a lady should look for in a husband, she replied,
... it depends on the woman. She needs to look for attributes that complement her own. If she’s the passive, laid-back type that needs a take-charge Alpha male, she should look for that. If she’s a Type A, in-your-face, no-nonsense woman, she probably should look for someone who is not. That’s not to say you shouldn’t have commonalities. If she hates sports, she probably shouldn’t pair up with an athlete. Two movie lovers would probably be in heaven together. Complementary attributes bring balance to one’s life. Commonalities bring fulfillment.I believe her answer is totally on point. During the last episode of Private Practice, one of the major themes was that love isn't always enough, and that sometimes, life deals love a TKO. Pete and Violet are separating, Addison and Sam's relationship is on shaky grounds. Sheldon cares for Amelia but it's not reciprocal, and so on. You just have to look around to see several relationships where love comes out the loser because the two people involved are not on the same page.
As much of a romantic as I am, I do agree that love needs some work if a couple is to match themselves as partners and teammates. For instance, Atala's organizational skills help us to remain on point with our finances and various schedules, and my more chilled outlook keeps up the fun and spontaneity. But there's something else I like which I think is also necessary, we can switch it up. Like when he gave me the birthday surprise, or when I'm the one driving some of our responsibilities.
I don't put much stock in talk of gender differences or roles, I'm more about knowing who you are as an individual. And then as a couple with your SO, you find out what works for you, with mutual respect. This makes you appreciate that a different perspective from the other person in a relationship is not a gender war, or a call to battle, it could be just another aspect of their personality to discover.
As always, I'll appreciate comments. What has been your own experience?
I'd like to agree with you ma. Knowing and appreciating each other's personality should be the quest in every relationship. was reading a blog the other day and the author of the article said, "expectations kills relationships but an adventurous and humble mind lives it well". I think what is important is finding the balance. I dont beleive in incompatibility, I believe in determining to work things out with humility, respect and a good attitude. Its sure lots of hardwork but just as we try to get our jobs and career going... we are responsible for our relationships too :)
ReplyDeleteThanks ma... Loving ur new theme...
- LDP
Thank you LDP. I like that quote and completely agree with it. In as much as the couple come to a relationship with various expectations, they can work at them with humility in a way that suits each other.
Deleteilike ur response...
DeleteWORD!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with both Myne and LDP. The key word is the hardwork. No matter what any psychologist or pyschoanalyst says, HARDWORK is still an integral component of ANY relationship.
Happy new year to you Myne.
Happy New Year, Honeydame. Very integral. The good thing is that it can be fun if you make it so.
DeleteI counldn't have analyzed this better Myne.However,i disagree with LDP saying there isn't such thing as compatibility.Fact is,there is.The reason is because sometimes little things are what either make or break relationships.Again,like the quote rightly stated "If you hate sport,you probably shouldn't pair up with an athlete" (I paraphrased though).There,interest is the key point.If my interest conflicts with yours and most times my point of view conflicts with your and you happen to be static rather than flexible,there's no point in us being together.I can attribute this to cooking,depending on the meal,you'd know what ingredients and the measures to use.If one is trying to make 'eba',you cannot use more water than garri.This is my own little contribution.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your contribution. I think the key word in your comment is flexibility. And that is where I understand LDP is coming from. If the two people involved are flexible, they can easily work on their incompatibility. But yeah, some differences are and can be too big to surmount. Those are called deal breakers.
ReplyDeleteRead your piece on the BBC website. I had goosebumps! Good job
ReplyDeleteMy piece? Hmmm...not sure what this is about?
DeleteKpele, I saw it signed Nkem... and I immediately thought it was your piece. Goes to show you that I think you a really good writer anyhoo.
DeleteThat's OK, I later remembered that I had read an article on the BBC by an Nkem. Not me though :)
DeleteI love the new template. Is the pink a hint to something?
ReplyDeleteThanks. I'm just fiddling with the template, lol...
DeleteI think no matter how 'compatible' are initially, people change over time and challenges crop up. Hard work is key!
ReplyDeleteIt is very key to sustaining a happy relationship.
DeleteYup! Certainly right. One of my favorite quotes and life philosophies is that “It’s our differences that make us useful to one another. Think about what you fly. If everyone was a pilot, who will service the people on the plane? If everyone was serving the people, we’ll never take off! Find the strengths and build, play, live on them.
ReplyDeleteExactly! I like how you put it. Differences shouldn't make or mar us.
DeleteVery well said, and I agree that it is important to know your partner's personality and be accepting of the difference. However, you can't just pick anyone off the shelf and expect a good chance of being able to accept the differences.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I'm all for compatibility. Not so much when it comes to love though. Compatibility is like a base block. Standing on that makes it easier to climb over obstacles. The more compatible a couple is, the less there is to not see eye-to-eye on.
It will definitely be unwise for anyone to think to choose their partner without much care. And yes, agreeing on certain core key issues is very necessary. That makes the differences much easier.
DeleteHmm, Myne i used to believe that opposites attract o, but hmm i think it should be over less serious issues like sports, hobbies, occupation, fashion sense. Opposites when it comes to faith, money saving patterns, then that's a recipe for heartache
ReplyDeleteYes indeed, Ginger. Such major differences are usually deal breakers for a lot of people and I agree they should.
DeleteI certainly agree about complementary personalities. My husband and I are so different but our differences work very well. There's certainly no competing against each other. Instead we work together using our individual strengths.
ReplyDeleteTrue talk Kiru. I think competition and misunderstandings are a bane of relationships.
DeleteI think, generally, core beliefs and values should be aligned; personality type, temperament, etc, are the places where opposites can complement and sustain each other.
ReplyDeleteFor example I would never be with anyone who doesn't share my faith. Also I don't think I could be attracted to someone as introverted as I am. That has never happened. So opposites do tend to attract, but in core areas it's important for a couple to be on the same page. Whatever the formula sha, hard work is an essential ingredient.
Nothing to add here, totally agree with you. :)
Deletei strongly agree with you, its really important to know the kind of person that suits you better....
ReplyDeletei mean alot of people just go into relationships because they feel its cool to do so and apparently they only agree 1% and disagrees 99%.
its just best to take your time
I agree with all the blogs...both people need to be willing to work on things, to communicate respectively. Respect, compassion, all important and fundemental to a relationship working out.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm so glad something I said resonated with you, Myne. You never know when someone's paying attention to your comments, so seeing my quote in your blog was a pleasant surprise. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome, Dicey. Your comments were right on point.
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