Hi Myne, I've been all over your website looking for a place to drop a personal relationship question begging for an answer. But maybe I can leave it here? [This came in from my FB page. My email address is on the About page and you can also leave a comment on any post]
It's like this, I have been married to my husband for like 10 years now. When we were courting, he'd introduced his older sisters to me and the rest of his family, but unknown to me the one I came to know as his eldest sister was really his mother! He knew it then but didn't tell me.
Now, the truth came out late last year. Stuff happens everywhere, I know, and it could be one of those 'she got pregnant with him when she was was very young, maybe even didn't know who the father was' and it wouldn't be far from the truth or all that unusual a thing. What I mean is that it's not like it's some kind of never before heard of situation.
But I have become so very disturbed about the situation because of the fact that my husband doesn't want to find out who his real father is. It pains me that my children (3) don't have real roots. The secrecy surrounding my husband's real ancestry just refuses to clear, no one is talking. I'm scared it might be a big dark, maybe even abominable sort, what with the secrecy involved.
Now, having looked at the whole matter since I found out, plus the fact that my husband is OK with the status quo, I tried to accept the problem. I suggested that, why don't we start a family from himself (after all, it really takes only one man to start a family) and adopt his own first name as our family name. But he is non-cooperative...I am just lost for what to do or how to move ahead. He knows the secrecy is killing me but he just doesn't budge about it.
I think personally that this is reason enough for divorce, it's like I'd been deceived from the beginning. But maybe I'm being too emotional because I'm too close to the situation? Please I'd like to hear what your readers would think of this and what else could be done.
Definitely not enough reason for a divorce. Maybe there was incest at some point in their early years and he's a product of that. Maybe there was some idol-worship/oath taking that forbids them talking about their roots. Whatever the case, don't bother your pretty head about it. The important thing is, keep praying for your own kids and immerse them in the blood of Jesus. The past is past, no point making a mountain out of an anthill.
ReplyDeleteExcuse me! Are you for real? Maybe there was incest and she should not worry her pretty head about it? 'Making a mountain out of an anthill'? You are the one needing prayers!
DeleteNo need for divorce please, but use sense and keep talking to your husband. I understand and share your fear for your kids future. Who knows what can happen?
ReplyDeleteThis isn't a good enough reason to get divorced. Like the first commenter said, maybe there was incest and he's a product of it, maybe something else. It could even be that it's his personal preference to not bother with who his father is, just like millions of people who didn't have contact with their father (me inclusive). In my own opinion, just forget about the whole 'family roots' thing (like I have) and look towards a bright future with your family. It really isn't *that* much of a problem. Thank God your children have their father around. That's something many wish they could have. There are millions of children born without having contact with their father and out of personal preference (considering the fact that the man obviously didn't want to be a part of his child's life) they choose to not look for the person. Him knowing who his father is does not/should not take any value away from your children, yourself or your husband. If any non-family member asks, he's dead. Simple. No need to get into the family history with outsiders. Don't worry about it, you're overreacting because it's come as a shock to you.
ReplyDeleteReason for divorce gini? What do you mean your children don't have 'real' roots? What happened to their father? Is that not their root? So he doesn't want to talk about his absentee father or even look for him? Ok... How has that affected your family? Or your well-being? Or your children's well-being? So what if his father is an idol-worshipper? Is your husband an idol-worshipper? I think you are tired of the marriage and just looking for an excuse to get out of it. Otherwise, how does the fact that your husband doesn't want to go look for his father amount to grounds for divorce? Except your husband is a product of incest, which in my opinion is not his fault and doesn't really have anything to do with the man he is now, I think you should just face your family and your kids. Pray over your kids and leave your husband's family past where it belongs- the past!
ReplyDeletewow! some of the comments here really sacre me!!! i will start by saying it is something not to know whre your husband is truly from. it is something to have been decived all through your courtship and married years, it is worrisome still that after you discorver some sort of secret, there isnt enough trust and open communication to uncover the whole truth. Jesus! so pls pray tell, what is a marriage without absolute trust on something such as who your real identity is? pls!
Deleteits always easier to say focus on kids and the rest but its not easy at all,family root matters alot,nobody is praying for bad thing to happen but why are they hiding it?his mother as an elder sister thats a big NO,dont they have kinsmen or elderly relations,cousins etc.be wise
ReplyDeleteExactly! I can't believe what people are saying on this tread. Should everyone go hush hush hide the evil because divorce is the greatest sin on earth? This woman has a right to know why the family is being so secretive. It could impact on the safety of her children and others. Is their a child abuser still lurking in the shadows that her children (and in fact all children) should be kept away from? It is grounds for divorce if the husband is not willing to address the issues of secrecy. Let the family identify the man at least in name and circumstances.
DeleteI don't believe this is cause for divorce. Your husband is an adult and it's his prerogative to decided whether he wants to know who his father was, or not. His choice, not yours. Your children DO have a root, in their father. I don't know who my paternal grandfather is (not sure he was even married to my grandmother), and in fact, we're using my paternal grandmother's last name! I don't feel any worse for it. Do try to get over it and focus on YOUR young family.
ReplyDeleteTrue talk .dats y is good to ask questions before marriage,modernization or '21 century' thing is really causing a lot problem in todays marriages,some family do proper investigation before their son/daugther is married into another family to check family history whether there is one strange stuff like madness etc .its old but some people still do that or just ask questions.a tree cannot make a forest ur husband defintely have a root bt chose to ignore it but as a wife he should come clean to you
ReplyDeletemadness? Ok oh!
DeletePlease! Stop talking this way? Let sleeping dogs lie. Atleast he comes from a family at all. What of adopted children that grow into men? Do they have to leave their adopted families and run looking for the families that abandoned them as children? Give the man a break! Stop prying further. Where does family names take all of us? At the end of it all, it is the account of our lives that we make to God that truly matters.
ReplyDeleteDon't break your marriage over matters like this!
Thank you!
DeleteThe only important roots are the father and mother. And the known relatives that care. No need opening a nasty can of worms.
Thank you everyone for the responses, it means a lot to hear your views. I might not have stressed the point, but I really feel decieved and distrustful of my husband right now. I suspect he knows more than he is telling and that is what is so painful and alienating.
ReplyDeleteActually, two possible things here. He knows and thinks I don't deserve to know too or two, he doesn't know and does not care, which would be just obtuse. Let him find out, let him discuss it with me and let us handle the truth as grown up adults making a family together.
But wait o, why do you want to know? What will you use the information for or is it just for closure? Cos I don't understand. Anyway, since you have discussed with him, be patient, pray about it and don't let it disturb you too much. He will come around and even if he doesn't don't worry your pretty self over nothing. I never met my paternal grand-father and it doesn't take away anything from me. To me, the only family I have are my immediate ones, mother, father and siblings. Don't even know most of my cousins. Your children will turn out fine. In my opinion, your case might just turn out to curiosity kills the cat. Let sleeping dogs lie if your husband doesn't come around.
DeleteAm really trying to feel empathy for you, my dear, but can't. Someone wants to leave their family history behind them, u r forcing them to open it up. For what? For ur personal enjoyment? I don't even see u showing much understanding for ur husband's position. U think he ddnt have to deal with knowing his 'elder' sister is his mom? Or some of the trash he might have taken growing up because of it? He's - maybe - sorted it out, found his own survival mechanism, now u want to throw it all away for ur own (am very sorry to say) selfish reasons. Yes, itz understandable dat u shld feel deceived. But, daz abt where i stop feeling u. All the one of waiting to dig into things someone is not ready to face, i don't understand it. If he knows and he doesnt want to say, let it be for now. If he doesn't know and doesn't want to, let it be! Put urself in his shoes, if he's the one displaying this character u r, will u be overjoyed? & what's this nonsense abt asking him to change d surname? Are u ashamed of him? Ashamed on his family? Kai kai kai. Woman! U r causing trouble for urself oh. Am an advocate of divorce if i feel itz necessary, but u've not given anything to feel such is the case here
DeleteThank you ugo!!! c'mon madam!! you are being very inconsiderate!! have you thought about how your hubby must have felt knowing he's a product from a situation being frowned upon.. having to call his mum his sister! do yo know how he must have felt as a child and how he feels sometimes ?? Maybe he has chosen to block that side of his life FOREVER. if your mom was raped and you hubby told you to reconnect with the man that raped your mom will you do so ? even if your mom does not know where he is? You wil be lying if you said you will go look.. Please focus on your family. If your hubby is a good man, respect that and from time to time he may just open up if he feels like. you were not being deceived in ANY form..This your divorce talk is too extra..focus on your family and keep your home safe
DeleteI know where you are coming from dear. You feel betrayed that someone who should be your closest friend, your husband, did not bring you in on the secrecy of his birth. Where I come from, such a birth is hidden like no man's business because it brings shame to the family that a daughter of theirs had a child at home. Hardly anybody tells his/her intended something like this upfront and as time passes in the marriage, he may find it even more difficult to tell you because he may feel that you will not trust him again for not telling you this from the beginning. But we all forget that the truth will always come out and that the earlier we let it out, the better.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the family has hidden this matter for so long that it is beginning to sound like the truth to them. And your husband may have even found out the true story of his birth recently because normally children in such a situation grow up thinking that their grandparents are their parents.
I beg you to let the matter of changing surnames and seeking his father lie because your suggestions may be seen as a quest to bring disunity and shame to the family.
Remember that your husband may often feel like an outsider in his grandparents home, do not make him feel worse because he is bearing a great burden. Do not worry about whether your kids have real roots or not. The most important thing is that his grandparents accepted him in their home as their son. I guess this is the case because if they did not accept him, it wouldn't have taken you as much as 10 years to find this out.
I don't think you are being too emotional at all because you are human and the feeling of not being taken as we take the other can make us hurt so bad. But please, now that most of the emotions have been expressed, the only thing you should tell your husband is that you feel betrayed that all these years, he did not trust you enough to tell you the real story of his birth. And whether he directly/indirectly asks for your forgiveness, please forgive him so that both of you can move on with your marriage, OK?
The stigma of being a "child born at home" is bad enough, please don't make it worse for him because he did not choose to be born out of wedlock.
Much love! And Good Luck!
Flo you have said it all. I read this post and was coming back to write my comment when I read yours. I agree with you completely. This is not a case of voodoo or evil. Its just families hiding what they think will bring shame and not weighinh the consequences.
DeleteTo the writer please this cannot be easy for ur husband. It might be a situation that he tries not to think about. Please love him and don't divorce
I agree that it isn't grounds for divorce, however to be truthful, such situations breed lack of trust, which might affect your marriage. My advice is be prayerful, so that God can soften his heart to talk and why don't you also try to get more information from you sister or mother-inlaw? I pray for wisdom for you to handle this situation well.
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe this young woman is talking divorce due to her husband's family past. What has the past got to do with the present love. I am from Africa myself and my wife is African American. Now, if my wife gets up someday and ask me if my family was involved in selling other blacks that were eventually shipped to the US, what should I say? I dob;'t know will be the answer. If your husband's family did evil, let their evil be with them. 'The evil that men do lives after them, the good is often tied to............' Shakespeare. As long as you are loved and respected by your husband, do not stir the family mud
ReplyDeleteThis is no issue!
ReplyDeleteLet sleeping dogs lie!
Trouble dey sleep, yanga dey go wake am up?
The way people easily and blatantly contemplate divorce these days never ceases to amaze me.
ReplyDeletePART 1
ReplyDeleteANCESTRY IN PROPER CONTEXT
The truth is that his grand parents obviously (whether legally or not) adopted him raised him as their own child and they should be commended for doing a fantastic job that made him into the balanced person he is in spite of facts surrounding his birth. Part of that good job they did included the so called secrecy used in protecting your husband from inquisitive prying ameboish eyes who would have gone ahead to broadcast nonsense about the man to make their own miserable lives seem bearable. Thus if you want to divorce him because he has been a bad husband in the last 10 years and not because of the circumstances of his birth. Many wife abusers, womanisers, criminals come from "perfect homes". Please ask yourself if you would like to exchange your home for any of them with perfect homes and perfect ancestry.
Whatever we know about Ancestry is what is told to us by someone. Besides genetics the nearest person that know the truth about immediate ancestry is the mother!!! Your mother says A is your father thus you accept A as your father. It might turn out that he is not in 10 years or 20 years time or even more. But it is not your biological father or mother that is important as who raised you; those are your real parents. Biology is important for understand medical histories but where it is not available medical science is improving to make even medical histories redundant. In fact today it is medicine that is uncovering health facts that even expose unknown family histories. Like the Nigerian who took his son to the hospital in London for a sickness only for test to be run and when the issue of blood came up and he was tested it was discovered he was not the father.
Ancestry is therefore outside medical considerations only a matter of pride (or shame) I can assure that if we all dig deep into our true ancestry many facts will shock us some pleasantly and some unsavoury. Hopefully we will all agree that we should not be punished for what was beyond our control. The man is trying to deal with the matter and keep his sanity as best as he knows, I think letting sleeping dogs lie and not allowing curiousity to kill the cat is in order here. If you divorce him now I assure you that in another 20 years time you will see things very differently than now that are probably in your 30s or early 40s.
PART 2
ReplyDeleteTHE ISSUE OF TRUST
Yes trust is the principal issue in any relationship even a hackney ride. You actually only enter a taxi because from all your observations you are satisfied that the car appears good enough for the journey, the driver appears quite sane, reasonable and honest and from the way he drove up to you he appears to be a good enough driver. If he look unkempt, smelly, with blood shot eyes and talking like a drunk you would not have entered his car. The Driver in turn has noticed that you look responsible, able and willing to pay his fare, not likely to suddenly bite him in the car before he decides to pick you up. Thus even in the most transient of relationship trust is the major key and not even love. Trust is what will decide the course of love.
It is therefore a potential relationship breaker when trust is chaallenged or destroyed. I can therefore understand your feelings on this point that he was not up front about what he knew raising issues about what else he might be hiding. However, we all are never up front and we all are deceptive to some level or the other. Almost all women I ever dated gave me the impression I was only the second person that they were carnally intimate with. Do I believe them? Of course they could not have all been truthful. Meanwhile there are some very inconvenient things I have done with my life that I would not even remind myself not to talk of telling or admitting them to any one. We all have inconvenient skeletons in our cupboards and I bet you do too. How many do we want to begin to confess to our spouses especially those that were even of our own making? No relationship is ever completely open and you can never know anybody no matter how intimate a hundred percent. You do not even know yourself a hundred percent! Yes he is capable of keeping secrets and so do you! He has secrets and so do you! If you want to know his secret try by beginning to tell him you most inconvenient secrets. While it is dangerous that will encourage him to tell you his most inconvenient secrets too. That is how "trust may beget trust!" But beware the result is not guaranteed due to the hypocritical nature of human beings.
Inconvenient secrets for women for example could include:
A transient practice of prostitution for money especially with an older man when seriously broke or just greed for worldly things to meet up with the Joneses.
Lesbianism or lesbian encounters, Rape and Incest
For men it could include:
Raping another woman
Homosexual assault or rape, masturbation etc
Serious violent criminality like murder etc
Marriages only survive because ignorance is bliss. Once all these skeletons come tumbling out of the cupboard a marriage may never survive it.
Thus look at the present and look on to the future and let sleeping dogs lie on both sides; your husband's side and yours too because you never know!!!
This makes sad reading, but I advise our dear sister to cast aside the thoughts of a divorce. I would equally be annoyed if my future partner did not disclose information about her family for so long because it affects the love and trust that one has for their beloved. I however support the lady`s request to have a clean start on the surname by having their children use their father`s name as the surname - it is a noble idea and will not have to explain anything to anybody in the future. I understand that the husband could be a product of rape, incest, prostitution but the Lord has already blessed him thus far and he is now a grown up man; he can build his own legacy. Whether the husband likes it or not, his children will always be asked by other kids at school or social circles why they are using their granny`s surname. The issue of personal identity matters to an African man. I have read about different African men and Presidents struggling to explain their family origins because they used their mothers` surnames. Even President Obama has been ridiculed in the past because of his upbringing. In the interest of the innocent children, I advise the husband to change the children`s surnames to his first name. I acknowledge that his past may be too emotional to deal with, but he could get family or friends to help him talk to the wife. If I were him, I would open up to my wife, it would bring huge relief to him, he can cry and get it done with. One cannot conceal a permanent feature to his life, it`s like running away from your own shadow. The husband can always take comfort in that he is not the one who committed the crime and the world will not judge harshly for the sins of his parents, only God can punish us for the sins of our forefathers. I feel for the wife and the children, I hope sanity will prevail and the Lord will intervene once more and save the day. May God bless the family!
ReplyDeleteI strongly believe in God's guidance in making marriage choices. But since we all tend to look at the package instead of the content, and only talk of love instead of other crucial matters too, these days, I can only recollect what someone says: "We - meaning bachelors and spinsters - buy in the dark." It's what we buy that we have to take home. There's that dark side to every life, even to that of the wife who makes this complaint here. So don't let this matter raise another generation of fatherless kids. Can you try and live with your cross, please? No person in any marriage is that straight as you seem to think, you know. Now, what you complain about is not money, not that your husband is having an affair, but that you dont know his father. Rest your head, sister. All the best.
ReplyDeleteAre you afraid that he might be your brother or else there is a story behind the questioning of the father to him-the only advise is for you to pray and ask God to intervene.
ReplyDeleteI read this post like three times trying to find out what the deal is. Sadly, I could find nothing and this tells me a lot of not so savoury things about the woman seeking for advice. A lot of posters have Cleary said it as it should be said and I hope she listens.
ReplyDeleteI won't repeat what's already been said, but ma'am, you need to stop looking for what is not lost. Haha! What makes you think your husband's ancestry is something he is proud of? What gives you the impression that tradition does not give him the right to be a man without knowledge of the man that deposited the sperm that became him? It is wrong for you to think he must tell you everything about himself--who ever does that? Did you ever hear of the Igbo proverb that cautions the boy that is not yet man not to seek what killed his father,or what killed his father will swallow him whole. Wash your eyes well and love the man you know the way you know him, seeking for the unknown will only get u into trouble.
Another thing, what is it with women asking children to bear different names from their parents? And it is usually educated women who advocate for this? Myne, it's time you ask them that question o. Make e for no loss.
My take is that basically in every family there is a "dark idol" we either revere or abhor. Most times we try not to give cognizance or worship with so much reference.
ReplyDeleteThe truth is that some life experiences can be likened to such but it takes a thorough understanding to actually advise anyone on what to do in situations like this, but I will implore you not to lose hope in this marriage because what makes most men like us tremble at the notice of some past emotional situation sometimes can be very overwhelming. In all these my advice is that after 2 beautiful kids and probably no hostility from your husband or his family members, you really should not consider anything like divorce but try and show love and confidence in your family especially the man you have married; I know living a lie or living on a bed of lies could be very painful because I am victim of such for the past 38 years of my life; but I have made good of it by putting my past behind me and aspiring for the best that this life can give me. Please don't lose your hopes in this marriage but spend your love conquering all these pain and hurts because there is truly a light at the end of the tunnel. Some good day your wonderful husband will intimate you with all you need to know and more.
My Husband is having an affair with another lady, please keep him to stop these urgent, before it destroys my Family.
ReplyDelete