This question came in through the search keywords and was directed to this post which listed some of the reasons men get married. However, while that post lists loneliness as one reason, it did not say how it worked out for those who married out of loneliness. Also, marrying because one is alone may work for men, but how does it work for women if it was a woman asking Google that question?
Let's be sure of what loneliness is or is not. When you're a private person, an introvert or a loner, you're not necessarily lonely. A lot of us need our me-time or alone-time once in a while, some more than others. Loneliness however, is more deep, more psychological than social.
Loneliness is a constant lack of contact with other people, even when the person wants to be. It is the feeling of isolation, when you find it hard to make a connection with a special someone for intimacy, including physical and emotional.
Indeed, many people get married because loneliness makes them desperate. However, feeling like that makes one more likely to make poor love choices and they could end up in unfulfilling relationships. Marriage is not a magic pill to cure loneliness, if you did not make the connection with your spouse before you got married, it is unlikely that a wedding will do the trick.
What will happen is that you will remain lonely even after marriage. Such a relationship is especially painful because now you have someone around, but you can't even talk or connect to them.
I was 30 when I met Atala and though there had been one or two people before him, there had also been one or two episodes where I was lonely when I needed to have someone. You know those times you get either a good news, or a bad news, and you need very badly to share, to hug somebody, to laugh with someone, to cry on a shoulder instead of a tissue. So yeah, I know being lonely is hard.
Most people I've spoken with are afraid of being alone, either right now or when they imagine being single in their older years. A lot of women depending on their personality, or when they get to a certain age, begin to think of their current toaster, no matter how unmatched they are, as the last option.
Remember, while marriage is good, and to be desired, with the wrong person, or for the wrong reasons, it can be worse than any hell one can imagine. While I accept there are no guarantees in life, I believe marriage should only be a way to build on an already established and successful relationship, any other reason for signing on the dotted lines may be leading to disaster down the road.
I just read the title of the post but i think loneliness is a good enough reason to get married. People marry for companionship. We are not all looking for the same things out of life or marriage.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, how do you know what terms people searched for and what posts it directed them to? What application/site/whatever are you using?
That is true, but some reasons tend to work out better than others.
ReplyDeleteI use statcounter.com. I find it more comprehensive than the native blogger stats.
Loneliness should never be reason to get married. That's why some marriages are still failing today, because they got themselves into marriage with the aim of doing away with loneliness. Loneliness can be done away with by getting oneself a true friend, who will always be there for you and make you smile, sharing your sorrows and moments of Joy.
ReplyDeleteSo true, a lonely person needs friendship not marriage for its sake.
DeleteNo way!If you marry for the wrongs reasons, the marriage will pack up in no time.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
Deleteyour wrong reason might be my right reason.
DeleteThere are married people who are lonely so i don't think that's a good enough reason to get married. Also isn't there a distinction between being 'Alone' and being 'Lonely'? One speaks to a perpertual state of mind while the other is just something one is going thru? I might be completely off base there sha. lol
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to come say. Heyy, Mayne!
Heyyy RO, has been a while :)
DeleteAnd yeah, you're totally correct.
No, I don't think that is a reason to get married. In fact, I'm much lonelier in bad relationships than I ever am when I'm single, so I think it would make things worse.
ReplyDeleteI've heard from others who experienced that too. Thanks, Jen.
DeleteExactly Jen. And for me that's worse than being by myself.
DeleteThough companionship seems guaranteed in marriage, I would wish that lonely person finds fulfillment in themselves/their lives first before they'll seek to burden another.
Absolutely not. Loneliness is not a good reason at all
ReplyDeleteThanks D, not in most cases, and often, not at all.
DeleteLoneliness might not be enough reason but it is one of the reasons for marriage nowadays...such marriage might pack up later.
ReplyDeleteOf recent I have had to speak with friends who seems so lonely even though they are married, and for some reason they cant share that with their spouses. I always think that is a tragedy. Like Jen said, a bad relationship is worse than being alone. A lot of people are lonely, there seem to be very few people who really care. Moreover, with the spate of suicide rising in Nigeria, people better start paying more attention to their loved ones.
ReplyDeleteI read an interview of a Nigerian actress who said she single but not available. People should respect people who wish to be alone for sometime.
ReplyDeleteIn the UK, most people are too nosey and judge mental. If you are single they may call you a lunatic because they cannot remain alone. I am a loner and love my freedom. I know the kind of person I want and will never back down for less. I once tried to settle for less and became unhappy.
I have enjoyed life to the fullest when I was younger and now attach myself to new hobbies etc. I think some people envy loners because they are unable to use their time well.
Actually you sound like my wife. You see some people use the opinion that they want to be alone as a disguise. Perhaps they are of the believe that they are not good enough to receive the love and attention of the other and are afraid that sooner or later, their faults are bound to make the other person stop loving them and leave them. To save themselves the pain of being dumped, they take drastic moves and dump first.
DeleteNo one really loves being alone, there is no one who does not want that special love and someone to hold on to as his or her own. But the fear of anyone discovering their bad sides make a lot of people chose to be alone.
My advice, when someone loves you and wants to be with you, be open to them. Don't hold back on them, you will only be creating a distance and a wall between you and the person. They are there because they love you. I know because I am a victim of it.
The past one year has been the most lonely year of my life despite being married. There is no connection between me and my spouse and believe me, its worst than being alone. I believe loneliness might be a good reason for getting married if you have found that right one who connects with you effectively. if not, i think its best to remain alone and be lonely than to have a spouse and be lonely. The former is less painful.
ReplyDeleteI was about to say something similar to RO, not wanting to be alone could be part of the reasons to get married but loneliness should not be a reason for marriage, there are many lonely married people.
ReplyDeleteLoneliness is the one of the worst excuses for marriage because, if you are lonely before marriage, getting married is not a quick-fix solution for it. There are a million and one married people, who are desperately lonely. Guaranteed, marriage is for companionship, but it is a relationship for two whole persons, whose union generates a lot of power to be one's best. If one person in the relationship is needy, and relying on a marriage partner to fill in gaps that no human can possible fill, well, that's a complete recipe for disaster.
ReplyDeleteI just want to add this: loneliness means different things to different people. Some could be lonely because of limited opportunities to interact meaningfully with others, while for some other people, it could be occasioned by grief or depression. If for instance, one has a healthy self esteem, has been alone for a significant period of time and had positive experiences, draws strength from a personal relationship/faith in God, is able to keep old friends, as well as make new ones, and has a good support system from family, this greatly diminishes the feelings of loneliness and whether one is married or not, if these parameters are not in place, then loneliness will still be as haunting nightmare which marriage cannot solve. So, with these points of mine, I hope I have convinced you that being lonely is a wrong premise for marriage, lol. Insightful post Myne.
DeleteLoneliness is a thing of the mind and I agree with the comments that talked about even being lonely when you have a spouse. That just shows the extent of how psychologically draining it could be.
ReplyDeleteIf you can't enjoy your own company and not be so dependent on a human to fill that void, then that's an issue that needs to be checked. Why make the decision of being with someone for probably half a decade in a rush. Just thinking.