I just read a post on 1+TheOne titled Leave Her Man Alone, and immediately commented to say, the man is at fault and should have the blame, if not 100% then 99%. Unless one can prove to me that a particular woman went out of her way to seduce a man, or keep him dating her long term, or that she forced him at gunpoint to neglect, abuse, and divorce his wife, then I stand by my opinion that the cheating man is at fault.
Men are not stupid, they know what they want, and in this chauvnistic world, it is disingenuous to argue that mistresses made them do what they did not want to do. Na Jazz? Sugabelly in her comments said some of what I had in mind, but there are other angles I wanted to expantiate on, and that's why I wrote this post.
1+TheOne made it sound like once a man has a female friend, or a mistress, his wife falls apart emotionally and otherwise. She said in her responses to Sugabelly that she'll be personally affronted and aggrieved, and I know a lot of women who will be too, but I don't think it's fair to pass that on to majority of other women. Some of us either think differently or have learnt to be stronger than that :)
If men cheat as much as we think they do, then most of our mother's generation experienced infidelity, and the other woman, but today, most of them are still standing tall. They are Captains of industry, CEOs of their homes, mothers of top-performing children, and pillars of the church. While some are separated or divorced, many are celebrating their 30 - 50 years marriage anniversary to the same man. The other woman went on to peacefully marry another man, or is the de facto second wife with her own gig and children. All of them are alive and healthy, and the heavens did not fall.
Yes, talking about heaven and hell is all well and good, but it is only at the point a woman faces her man, knowing he's cheating on her, it is only then that she decide on the way forward. Beating ourselves up now doesn't help any body. Hating on other women - real and imagined - who date married men won't help either.
So, what can a woman who has been cheated on do? In my opinion, Railing against the other woman may give you a target for venting, or a temporary reprieve, but it rarely heals your relationship, which is between you and your spouse, and in some cases it may even further damage it, depending on how close your partner is to the other woman, and how much he feels isolated from you. There are two ways forward, either find it in your heart to forgive him, or the strength to let him go.
For myself, if I find myself in this situation, I will have to accept that my husband has made a mistake, or he never did - or at that point does not - respect our relationship integrity. I know for a fact that in most cases of infidelity, the other woman has little to do with it, again unless there's jazz or a gun to the head scenario, which I think is very unlikely.
I know this is an emotive and controversial topic, but this is just my opinion. I will like to hear yours.
I like your twist to the whole story. Just as you have said, women are stronger than they know and so less credit is given to themselves. I am not married but per chance such were to happen, first I hibernate, resurface aand treat my man F..k up! He knew what he was getting into. Jazz or gun. Meat wey person no wan chop, him no go put am for nose smell.
ReplyDeleteI have always found it ridiculous when women fight other women because of men. It's just the height of stupidity as far as I am concerned. That woman did not commit to you, your man did. That woman didn't break any promises or vows, your man did. Why fight the woman when it's the man that disrespected you?
ReplyDeleteEven in cases where the other woman is a close friend or family member who was well aware of your relationship with the man, I would just shrug and move on. My mind set is that they deserve each other and I don't have time to waste on a man whose words I can't trust.
Thank you! A married friend actually said to me that she was sure the other woman came on to her man when she and the whole world know her husband is a womanizer. I think its just a classic case of denial.
ReplyDeleteFor a cheating husband,I'd rather let him go,he isn't worth the stress.Most at times its not at gun point but normally jazz and I can't waste my time praying over such when I have other prayer points.If I have kids,I'd focus on them.
ReplyDeletei totally agree that a man should bear responsiblity for cheating. whether he's seduced or not, the options are to cheat or not to cheat, it's his decision
ReplyDeleteHaving said this, the woman on the cheating end is not clear of responsibility either. Why would would you go out with a married man? have you no compassion, no heart, no sense of worth? I'm not suggesting at all that the wife who is being cheated on should confront the husbands mistress, no, not at all! rather let's fight for her! if every woman (naive perhaps) decides and determines not to be romantically involved with a married man, regardless of how much a dog a man is he would be unable to cheat! we women need to address ourselves and those of us who have no problems with breaking up homes, rather than trying to lay blame, let's take responsibility for our actions.
Not every mistress knows that the guy they're with is married/engaged/in-a-relationship. I've heard a lot of stories of women in Nigeria who are happily dating their guy, and all of a sudden, a woman's calling them all sorts of names, and saying she's his wife.
DeleteTo that end, there ARE some women who target married men for one reason or another. But at the end of the day, a man who cheats/cheated is MOST DEFINITELY to blame.
And while we're addressing ourselves, who's addressing the men while they keep being dogs? As Berry said, majority of cheaters lie to women that they are not married.
DeleteI agree with anonymous 11.50PM, there are men out there who knows a lady wouldn't date them if she knows they are married, then they go out of there way to hide the fact that they are married just to get the lady.
DeleteI am really amazed at women who say they would leave their husbands if he cheats on them.men cheat!madam how many men would u leave b4 u find mr faithful? Anyways I feel its stupid to fight ur husbands mistress deal with d cheating basterd instead and protect your home the best you can.
ReplyDeleteI am not with you on his pls. The only time a man that cheats should be excused is in marriage but while you are still dating you walk away because if he realises that you can forgive him, he will do it again and again. but walk away You will find someone that will not cheat Yes! Except marriage is a do or die affair for you and you are in a hurry. I don't support confronting the ladies but like someone earlier said some women know a man is married and yet still go ahead to date him. Are such women not evil?
Deleteits disturbing wen u find maried women bashing in2 the house of their husband mistres 2 either acuse or confront her. 2 me is of no use,u r d owner of the home n its left for u to fashion it the way u want it,y nt sit him down and ask him wen and how u hav denied him of care n others.jazz or no jazz, 2 me its sumtim of d mind .if u hav kid nuture dem n kip moving
ReplyDeleteI have commented previously here and I later went on to read the the main post you referred to. I think you just misunderstood her. She did not say men are blameless but she was saying women also encourage it which is very true.
ReplyDelete@ ANNO 2:45 what if you are married to that man,well far before i got married have not had issue of cheating while dating,am happily married if such things happen i cant say if i will definately deal with both of them not to let her cuse some women knows the men are married they still go ahead.i will never walk out of my marriage because my husby is cheating on me GID HELP ME
ReplyDeleteSorry for the error what i mean is that i will not fight with her but we met her warn her to stay off my man cause she might not know that he is married then if after then she doesnt back off then i will fight her.As for my husband if he really want my forgivness he must tell me why he did it,unknowilgly some wives/girlfriends are the reason why there husbands/boyfriends cheat.we will just sort it out and move on but i personally can not leave my marriage if my husband cheat.
ReplyDeleteOk, I agree that a man is to blame if he cheats. But I don't think we can totally excuse a woman who knowingly gets involved with a married man. As a single woman, I was tempted a few years back and made the terrible mistake of getting involved with a married man for several months, spending a lot of time with him and even kissing him on several occasions. I physically had to flee from him to avoid more. So I can understand the temptation a lonely woman would have to get involved with a charming married man and can have compassion for such a woman. That said, this affair is the worst sin of my life, and although I have repented, received support from a mentor in my church, and rarely think about it any longer, I am ashamed that I have to tell this sin to any man I become seriously involved in the future. It is a blot on my life. Women may make a mistake, but we should KNOW better. When an affair happens, it happens between two people--it's not just the husband's fault or the "other woman"'s fault. It is the fault of both parties. Having been the "other woman," I am not so quick to exempt her from blame.
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for sharing this.. I was 'almost' the other woman hence my reason for looking at it from that angle.. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people misconstrued my point as trying to say that it's her fault..
DeleteThe situation just made me realise how easy it is to fall into the 'trap' of dating a married man and the fact that as a woman you have the option to say no as well. Also, just like you, not every woman dates a married man because of money. If you don't guard your heart, it is easy to develop unwanted feelings.
I'm really glad that you were able to walk away and no need to feel any guilt hun.. It's now a part of your past and I pray that the man you will meet will be man enough to love all of you!
You walking away should actually make you proud. You did the right thing, God bless you! xx
if am still dating and my bf cheats i'l most def leave him. If am married and my spouse cheats i cant leave him until he repeats the act a coupla times. I'l find a middle ground that can hurt him deeply wtot me leaving him. When he becomes a habitual cheater i'l kno the union isnt worth keeping again
ReplyDeleteFor the other woman, i'l ignore her if she didnt force herself on my man.
How many men blame the other man when their wife cheats? 1 in a million !!!
ReplyDeleteWomen shortchange themselves too much. You heap the blame on the other woman all the time. Is your husband innocent. Me if my husband cheats, it's him that I will face. The other women are secondary. Not to be taken lightly or brushed aside but still secondary. Husband is the main actor.
Very intelligent contributions. Thanks for shaping my perspective. Ordinarily I find it hard quarrelling n keeping malice with a fellow woman, I just feel we are overburdened enough. Thanks Myne 4 d forum
ReplyDeleteVery intelligent contributions. Thanks for shaping my perspective. Ordinarily I find it hard quarrelling n keeping malice with a fellow woman, I just feel we are overburdened enough. Thanks Myne 4 d forum
ReplyDeleteHmm... I agree that infidelity is the primary responsibility of the cheating partner. I also agree that women who date married men must share the blame as well. If enough of us said no, these men would be forced to go back and work on their relationships with their wives.
ReplyDeleteAs for the posters who say they will leave husbands if they cheat, not likely! Particularly, if you have been in the marriage for sometime and/or had kids. You would want to save your home and not lose it over some sexual dalliance that didn't even bring any benefit to you. You would, like the highly admired female role models mentioned above, work through it, focus on your kids and get on with life.
But, I must say it gets tough. Your indignation wanes after the 3rd or 4th affair and a certain sadness just remains after that. A resigned determination to 'do your best for the kids'.
As the years roll by, many women look forward to the oft promised reward - he will get old and too tired to chase after the nubile youngsters. Then he will stay home and faithful and if you are lucky, you get the ultimate prize - nurse him through old age illness and cry dutifully when he finally ships off.
I hear the suffering is good for one's soul. That God uses it to refine us and prepare us for heaven. I wonder sometimes if He wont help and choose a less painful tool. But He is Kabiyesi. So we keep crying, praying, walking. God help us.
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