I have been seeing this guy for about 8 months now and on the 30th of Dec, he told me that he has another girl he's been dating for 7 years. He said the girl has been good to him and he knows she will make a good wife just the way he knows I will too but the problem is that she's not from the same tribe as him. He's Igbo which i am too and the other lady is Hausa and he wants to marry an igbo.
The girl came to Nigeria from UK to visit him and they went to his village together. He said that it means nothing and that he hasn't made up his mind to marry the girl cos he doesn't love her which i found very lame and silly. But one day i went through his chats with the girl and on three occasions, the girl told him "i love you" and he didn't respond. The girl in one of their chats told him that she knows he doesn't love her but that he should stop treating her the way he treats her.
On Sunday, we mistakenly exchanged phones (we use the same phones) and i found out that they were calling each other hubby and wifey. He told her that he its not easy to marry an Hausa babe and they were already planning their lives together. I was not entirely shocked but i was mad at him for lying to me. I have been teasing and asking him to tell me if he has proposed to the girl and he kept telling me that he's not married to anybody. What hurts me most is that he made it look like both of us might still have a chance to be man and wife, One day i jokingly said his nephew will marry my future daughter and he replied sharply "what if i marry you?'
I've come to love this guy so much and whenever i imagine my marriage, it's him i always see as my hubby. he's got virtually all i want in a man. Our communication is almost perfect and we understand each other very well. He listens to me whenever i have anything to say even though he might not do what i want, he just listens and i like that.No matter how angry or upset i get him, he just keeps quiet and ignore me.He has never shown me any sign of violence, he tells me virtually everything. In my 8 months of dating him, i can say i know almost know every thing about him and he confirmed by telling me that no girl has ever gotten to know so much about him in a short period.
He told me that he could go on and on talking to me but with the other girl he's known for 7 years, they don't even talk up to an hour. Recently he said that if we don't end up together that he will be tempted to cheat on his wife with me and that if he has so much money, he will buy me a house, car and make me his forever so that i won't have to be with any other man. Then I asked him 'if you like me so much like this and i like you too, why can't we just be together forever?' and he couldn't answer.
Ok since after the Sunday incident, he hasn't called and i haven't either. I decided to seek the face of God (by praying and fasting) on the issue and even had to talk to a woman of God. She called me this morning and told me to pray that God should cause anyone holding what is mine to release it and she said that God confirmed to him that the guy is my husband and that the lady in question is a strange woman. I don't believe that one should go to a pastor to get revelation from God especially as regards marriage but because i'm in a very confused state, i had to go to the woman of God.
Please i need advice on what to do. I love this guy so much and won't want to loose him which it seems i have already. I have told God to give me a sign. Told him that if the guy is mine, let him call me before Sunday but if he isn't, he should should give me a clear sign and equally make me to accept the reality of loosing him. It took me more than 3 years to fall in love after my last relationship in 2009.
My friend tells me that i'm too choosy and uptight, i tell her its not true that i simply know what i want and don't want to compromise. I grew up seeing my dad abuse my mom and that is not what i want to pass through so i'm very careful when it comes to men. this is the only guy that my heart opened up to and he broke down my defenses which i didn't have a problem with and now he's about to slip away from me. Myne please what do i do? Post it for your readers to advise me cos i'm lost. Thanks and God bless you.
Babe, this guy is just using you because his real girlfriend is not in Nigeria. From how you're talking I can guess you sleep with him. Leave all that sweet talk he gives you when he wants something something, all talk and no action, na wash. Do you know Tiwa's song kele kele love? Don't do it. Begin now to disentangle yourself from this love triangle mess.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all,there's absolutely nothing wrong with going to God as regards marriage.As a matter of fact,i think it's a very imperative step except you're not the spiritual type.Secondly,the guy in question has things he's not telling or he's simply taking you for a ride.Answer these,does his family know you? If no,then you know obviously he doesn't feel for you as much as you think.But if yes,then ask him how they feel about you.This will tell you where the 'hiccup' is coming from,whether from him or his family.
ReplyDeleteOne of those things you face in a relationship. You've asked God for a sign. Good. What if he doesn't call, does that mean he isn't meant for you? We should be careful with the way we ask God for signs. Just thought I should let you know that
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think you should follow your heart. If his presence in your life takes away your peace let him go and get your peace back. Nothing should take the place of inner peace. But if his presence in your life brings you peace, then I think you should hold on a little while things unfolds.
I understand that if a girl/woman grew up a home where her dad constantly abuse her mum, she may not know how to identify character or real love. Worse, she may
subconsciously think that her past pain can be erased by being in a relationship with a guy and making everything work out right Don't try to pressure or force him to choose you over her. No don't do that. Just try to be the best you can to him and hopefully everything is going to be ok.
You have my best wishes
Why do ”good girls” end up dating ”bad guys?"
huntlya.blogspot.com/2013/03/why-do-good-girls-end-up-dating-bad-guys.html?m=1
Oh wow! Huntley, I had to come back to tell you you nailed it in that article: ”Why do good girl end up dating bad guys" That's a touching and amazing article. It spoke directly to me. I wish everyone could read it. Good job dear and you've got a great blog. Also loved your recent post ”Why having a first class isn't enough” well written.
DeleteMyne you have some bad readers on your blog though. I can see you are really training some people here. Keep up the good work.
The length of time a man dates a girl doesnt always mean he will marry her. It looks like he really loves you but their is a reason why he cant leave that girl. You have to find out what it is. The girl is Hausa and remember that most Hausa women are used to polygamy. So she may not have a problem with having a co-wife. From what i have read (pls dis is just my opinion i might be dead wrong) it looks to me that he is grooming you to be a second wife.
ReplyDeleteSeat him down and ask him to be honest with you. And babe most people will not tolerate being a side babe. You find out that he has another girlfriend and you still keep dating him?
I am with Kiky on him wanting you as a side wife/babe. I think you should just leave him. Marrying someone because the person is from your tribe or not isn't the best
ReplyDeleteThe way i see it the guy won't marry you, you are just a side kick to him, it's better you let go. Though it is not that easy to let go, but this is something you have to do fast to save yourself from further heartache. Pray to God to bring you in contact with the man that is truly meant for you. Forget about what the woman of God said, the Hausa babe is not a strange woman she has been in the relationship with the guy for seven good years. Stop looking for any sign from God, it is obvious his heart belongs to someone else, even though he might deny it.
ReplyDeleteIt's women like you who give the female gender a bad name. Women are truly their own worst enemies.
ReplyDeleteA guy told you he's been dating a girl for 7 years and you stayed on (instead of breaking up with him immediately) with the hope to dethrone his current girlfriend? Now if he didn't say anything to you about his relationship status, that would be a different ball game all together but he's out-rightly telling you your position is that of a side chic and even goes on to further state that he wants you to be his kept woman for life. It's so bad that the guy didn't even accept "your marriage proposal". Girlfriend give yourself brains. You are staying on with the hope of snatching some one else's boyfriend and your pastor is saying you are the wife and the 7year old girl friend is a strange woman? SMH!!!
Quit being delusional babe,wake up and smell the coffee.
i was already into the relationship before he told me. i made sure i asked him repeatedly if there was another girl in his life before we started dating and he said there was none. my dear you won't really understand. if i had known there was another girl, i will never have entered the relationship. by the time i found out, i was neck deep in the relationship and he was treating me right. well, i have decided to let go cos sincerely, i have put myself in the girl's shoes and i know how i will feel. its just so sad and i'm really hurting.
DeleteI feel your pain. It's not easy being in love with someone who's not 100% committed to you. I would tell you to just walk away and be strong. There will be so many tears, but you deserve to be THE ONE AND ONLY! This guy is confused and shouldn't even be in a relationship, if you ask me...
Deletesad girl, i feel your pain. I like you and I think that this guy does not deserve you (unless he changes ie become more of a man). You are more valuable than this oh!!!! If he really loved you, he wouldn't want you hurt, physically or emotionally.
DeleteLet me tell you, it is only God that can give you the man just fit for you, that would complement you like yin to yang. Pray to him WITHOUT ULTIMATUMS. Pray freely and with all that is in you and he will answer you. It may not be in the way you expect but trust me on this, he will answer you.
For now, the practical thing is to step back and let go. Of course you will cry and be sad. Cry, someday you will stop crying. Look for a GOOD friend to confide in that will support you. Work on your dreams and plans for your life. Look for something to pour your energy into. That your father abused your mother doesn't mean all men are horrible. There is a good man out there for you. Last thing, be careful with men and women of God. Most of them counsel based on the physical facts surrounding the case. Every human has been given the ability to be a high priest through Jesus. You can dream, have visions and prophecy yourself if you key in.
when i say high priest, I mean the ability to come to the altar ourselves. prophecies can be feeble, if that hausa lady had called the woman of God to complain about you, she would also have been told to claim her possession in Jesus name.
DeleteMay I ask you a question please? How have you placed yourself before him that he thinks he can buy you with a car and a house and keep you as the other woman while he puts a ring on another ladies finger? It looks to me like the boyfriend has no future plans for you
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kiky. This is simply a case of holding on to good morals. You KNOW that he is very serious with another woman and yet you STILL continue with him? Come on girl, you know better than that! Any good person would not advise you to stay with such a person because he can definitely do this again even if he was married to you. Look, he even made it clear for you as you've just said that he said, "that if we don't end up together that he will be tempted to cheat on his wife with me and that if he has so much money, he will buy me a house, car and make me his forever so that i won't have to be with any other man." What if it is the other way round and you are his wife. Don't you think he'd tell the Hausa woman to wait for him too because he obviously sees something in her that he wants.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for that 'woman of God' I think she's based her 'revelation' on her personal feelings about the issue, especially as you just might have played on her emotions with your story (maybe unintentionally/ unknowingly, but still) and made her feel sorry for you so then you somehow 'deserve' the man more than a woman who has given 7 years of her life to this man. Someone with good morals would have told you to let such person go because he's obviously wasting your time. He's taken her to his village (I assume to see his parents and what do you think he introduced her as? Yes, his wife-to-be) and he didn't take you, meaning as far as his family is concerned, YOU are the "strange woman" that 'woman of God' was talking about. Also, just thought you should know that you can't really give God an ultimatum as he does things at his own pace, in his own time. You asked God for a sign, you have seen the signs that he's not really sure of what he wants and trust me, the last thing you want is an indecisive husband when it comes to important issues. Just let him go and look for the one that was meant for you, not the one you wish was yours. This might sound like I'm attacking you, but I mean this in the most loving way possible, honestly. I know of women who end up buying condoms for their husband whenever he travels because she knows that he's going to see another woman. You really don't want to be in this position, lady, you really don't.
wow u really nailed it,some ladies will even start having babies to consolidate the union eg tuface,he told of 7 years relationship still you went to consult a woman of God,did he promise you marriage or say i will marry you.well madam you will still love again just allow this baggage to go and later you will look back and thank God that you did
ReplyDeleteIf the guy calls you before sunday doesn't mean its a sign from God. Speaking from experience, God gives you a sign when you least expect not because you gave Him a deadline. Just hand it over to God, what is yours will not pass you by.
ReplyDeleteAll the best.
Its obvious d guy prefers d other lady to u,so pls let go and maybe if u are destined to be it will surely come to pass.What will u say to a guy dat went to do introduction with a lady and comes to sleep with another lady on dsame day.Men are generally deceptive especially if u still allow them to have their way wt u.
ReplyDeleteMy advice is: Forget about him for now. What is yours can never go to another. Marriage is a journey long after the wedding ceremony i.e what happens after the wedding would eventually justify the beginning of the marriage. It is very hard for females to let go especially when they are attached to someone. Women are the most emotional people, they build castles in the air alot.
ReplyDeleteNevertheless, he might or might not be yours, it's all in God's hands.
Sincerely, we need to educate women on relationship lingo. What you are my dear is a friend-with-benefit, keeping the sheets warm while your man's girlfriend lives overseas. He's played you for a fool, and clearly doesn't respect you since he has you tagged as a "very valuable" concubine or mistress. And you keep holding on to hope - thinking that he will choose you because you are from the same tribe?!! You already know what to do - follow your gut which is screaming for you to RUN!
ReplyDeleteexactly 'enyamy' your story s vry clear wit d handwritings on d wall,u jux acted as a fling while s real g.f was abroad,mayb u wer luking at his tribal choice of choosing an igbo lady for mariage which ofcourse you are!bt unfortunately he did nt,so y nt move on n leave him 2 d 1st lady,n abt d kal sign God doesnt work dat way. I feel ur pains tho!
ReplyDeletePls leave him alone
ReplyDeleteNo wonder people say love is blind... & stupid. But mind you, being blind could land you in a pit which could break your limbs or even kill you.
ReplyDeleteNo I'll probably say sex makes women stupid! Once we start sleeping with a man, we throw sense outta the window and start making excuses for bad behaviours, this is from a happily married woman who had been in relationships where sex was involved and where it wasn't, the kinda crap I took from the former was unbelievable! Ladies quit sleeping with men you're not married to and you'll see the big difference!
ReplyDeleteIn the name of God, ignore some of these 'prophets' that lead people into trouble, using the phrase "God said". What kind of "god" tells you that the woman who has been there for 7 yrs is the strange woman? I'm sorry, but YOU are the strange woman in this situation! If you were the daughter or younger sister of this 'woman of God', would she be OK with seeing you in pain, whilst she claims "God said"?
ReplyDeleteI have serious issues with this "God said" business. I see it as an attempt to control - actually a form of witchcraft. This person isn't sharing the heartbreak with you, yet they can tell you "God said he is your husband". Even if you do marry him, no pastor will live inside the marriage with you - and they will certainly not be there, should he begin to cheat on you. The guy has shown he can and will cheat in a marriage - he's already doing so. A piece of jewellery will not suddenly make him a one-woman man! Many women have had their lives destroyed by this craziness. He has already taken the girl to his village - what do you think she went as, his long-lost twin sister? If care is not taken, you will receive his wedding IV, and you will still be believing "God said". Don't let someone who will not bear the consequences with you, mess up your life - simply because they have a title.
I personally do not believe that God 'orders' people to get married. I've read the Bible and the only person I read that God told to marry someone was Hosea - to a prostitute. None of these people who claim to hear "God said" seem to have heard they should marry a runs-girl or a prostitute that stands on the road. So, why should I believe such a thing? Many who do believe such, are reaping the fruits of that; and they are not good fruits. A good friend of mine was told by some guy (who had liked her for 5 yrs) that "God said you are my wife." She said "I haven't heard such from God" and I kid you not - bobo was married to someone else within 4 months! Which 'god' spoke? And on another level, he had liked her for 5 yrs (although she was totally oblivious to it), so why won't he start hearing what he wants to hear? I've just been speaking to a number of women and their marital experiences of "God said" - only one of them has a good story to tell. All the others have suffered all kinds of abuse, and some are even divorced by those same men who claim "God said you are my wife." Pastors and bishops are divorcing their wives in Nigeria, wickedly using "God said I should divorce her" as their reason. After a woman gives you 20 years of her life, instead of being honest and saying "I want to play the field and act like a buffoon", you insult her intelligence and insult God by claiming He asked you to divorce her! On this very site, I read of a lady who's been married for a long time (14 years, this year) who appeared to be the only one in her family, who didn't go a-consulting. Her elder sister did (to those who claim they heard God) - she is a divorcee now, after less than 5 yrs of marriage. Her younger sister did the same (they were even more stringent) and is a widow today - that marriage didn't even clock 3 years. All the people who claim they heard God, didn't see/hear this part? She (the middle sister) who blatantly refused to do any of that craziness, is still happily married.
The point of this long essay is "Do not allow anyone wreck your life because they claim they heard God - especially when what you know, is contrary to what they are claiming they heard."
my dear sometimes we get caught up in a rut and it is difficult to get out of. i believe your boyfriend is caught up in a rut. he might genuinely love u but the hausa girl has something on him or there is something he gets from her. remember people marry for several reasons. trust me. question is do you want to stay or not? do u agree with what he is offering you? cos he is offering you something and he wants to stay in your life as long as you let him. are u cool with his offer or do you want a ring?
ReplyDeleteIn India ...My boyfriend was compelled by his parents to engage a girl of their choice ... My boyfriend looks to me for emotional support playing "Victim" card..he will stick on..just till I let him. So being strong, and as i believe - Let free..if its yours, will come back to you "
ReplyDeleteAm letting him GO AWAY FROM MY LIFE !!!
If a man cannot stand for the Woman he loves...He is no MAN at all !! Shame on the Guys who need the cake and want to relish other one too !!