I realized that in my last post on the other woman, it seemed like I thought women had no responsibility or a role to play when their men cheat. Of course we do. Also, I was speaking very generally, and it would have been better if I gave some action points. So I'm doing it now.
Am I now blaming the other woman? No. I'm saying all women have a responsibility to themselves to be prepared to face and deal with infidelity. Not to face the other woman, mind you, but how to deal with the unfaithfulness, the betrayal and breaking of trust. I'm saying let's not make the "Other Woman" the bogey man, in fact, the cheating husband or boyfriend is not even the bogey man. The bogey man is YOU.
At this point you may be saying, Myne you've come again, or, Myne you're not serious. I am serious. And that is why I made this list. Whether single, about to get married, or already married, if you follow some of the principles below in a way that works for you, I believe "The Other Woman" will be of so little importance to you that she becomes a virtual non-issue.
1. Find your strength and self-esteem from deep within, and create a space where you can find happiness in things you enjoy doing and things you create, your children, hobbies and activities.
2. Learn and internalize kindness and generosity. Have female friends that cheer and support you, and spend time with them. Support other women and take joy in their progress, even the ones you don't know.
3. As you prepare for marriage, choose a man who complements you, a man you love, respect and trust, and ensure he knows and respects YOUR OWN PERSONAL stand on infidelity.
4. After marriage, do not put yourself on a moral pedestal above your husband, and other single women, because you are now a wife. You are still a human being, prone to mistakes and temptations, even if those temptations are not infidelity.
5. Acknowledge that your husband is an adult, you either married a friend or you make him one afterwards, but do understand that you do not own him, nor is he a robot to which only you have the remote control.
6. Show your gratitude verbally and in action when he reciprocates your love, respect and trust, and when he puts you first above others, remember to put that in your love bank.
7. But know that there will be others, men and women, married and unmarried, who will be his friends and who will complete his social circle and make him a more rounded and better person, for his own mental health, for you, and for the general society.
8. Continually reject the patriarchal or religious system that says you have to depend solely on your husband for your happiness and peace of mind. Know who you are and discover your individuality.
9. Understand what love means, and grow in it with your husband, cultivating and nourishing it everyday.
10. Your husband is your lover and a partner for life, try to make the time you have together count in exciting and refreshing ways. Believe me, when you have children together, your partnership will definitely be for life.
However, if after your husband has vowed to remain sexually and emotionally faithful to you, he flouts this commitment to you, and his pledge to God, the court and your marriage witnesses, then he has failed, and he alone deserves to answer for his unfaithfulness. Not the other woman, and not you. However, because you're the one who's partners with him, you will have to make a decision. That decision is yours alone to make, hopefully, we never get to the point we need to make that decision.
Amen ooo.Hopefully we will never get to that situation. Thanks Myne for this post.
ReplyDeleteThanks myne your posts are inspiring
ReplyDeletefrank and straight up, thumbs up myne!!! I think we're all individuals and still crave our space, all the clingy lovey dovey things can be crampy and tiring, we need each other true, but we're adults...we need our spaces to evolve and grow some more, my tots!!!
ReplyDeleteI pray we dont get to that situation.loving your post
ReplyDeleteYour took the words out of my mouth Amilo. Myne is just an inspiration mehn! Ladies, make sure you learn from this post. Guys, you hv something to learn from this aswell
ReplyDeleteMyne, you are such an inspirational writer! thanks for all I'm learning from you sis. May God never allow us find ourselves in that situation. Making that decision is not easy at all. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this Myne, we want more like this, from your own heart and mind.
ReplyDeleteWords of courage dear Myne. But many times women break down and simply show that 'the heart is not so smart'. Loving your man and keeping him involves so much on the part of the wife. She sure needs to believe in herself and remain bold.
ReplyDeleteGreat Post. So inspiring. Now am gettin addicted to ur Blog
ReplyDeleteThank you Myne.. It was as if u read my mind... Amen too. Whoever does, I pray for strength and wisdom.
ReplyDeleteLoves this part "However, if after your husband has vowed to remain sexually and emotionally faithful to you, he flouts this commitment to you, and his pledge to God, the court and your marriage witnesses, then he has failed, and he alone deserves to answer for his unfaithfulness. Not the other woman, and not you."
I think cheating/infidelity and like most unfavourable actions are personal stuffs. Emphasis placed on cheating, I think its something of respect issue in some cases. Some people just lack self-respect, no demons is doing them its them doing themselves. Yes, they messed up but there is grace..
Just saw ur blog on aunty Eya, good work myne.
ReplyDeleteHmmmm,,,,,,,, thanks Myne, you are always on POINT!
ReplyDeleteMaking the man answerable only to his God and conscience is just d only way for u to have ur peace and move on in life.It can be so terible when ur hubby thinks u are d cheating partner and has decided to go all out to punish u by flaunting his escapedes and denying u s**.But all dsame u still keep a straight face as if all is well.
ReplyDeleteMyne in dis situation wat should d woman do when in all fairness she has never ever defiled her matrimonial bed.Reactions will be appreciated.I will be anonymous for nw but i knw Myne knows me as d woman dat received d hubby's phone wen d hubby tot he was actually speakn wt d girlfriend.
Hmmm interesting, but I am wondering is it only the guys that cheat this article seems to imply that ,while you probably have more cheating husbands, cheating wives do exist,cheating does not only mean when you have another man/woman outside ,if you are denying your spouse sex you are cheating as well.Sex is an integral part of marriage so ladies before you put all the blame on your man take a good look at the mirror and ask yourself if you guys are sexually compatible if not both of you have to talk about it and work hard at it .A man who is sexually satisfied @ home will hardly stray
ReplyDeletehmmmmn!!!!i have read all the comments and sincerely i pray none of u both married or single experiences such not even wishing ur enemy to do so cos its terrible especially when he is doing it wit a family member.....cos it comes wit severe emotional trauma and really not every woman can survive that....u catch them red handed they still look into ur face and lie to u@anonymous.....if u like give a man s** 247 if he wants to cheat he will cheat,but in my own case being a xtian i turned to God wit very serious dangerous prayer points about my marriage and i can joyfully say God has sorted me out.that is what worked for me
ReplyDeleteTime
ReplyDeletewill determine certain reactions. But really, do you have to bend till
you break when you love someone. If you can't tolerate infidelity don't
do it to ur spouse. can't imagine my husband cheating n God forbid it
won't happen!! But thanks, your piece is invaluable.