I am a regular reader of your blog and I find a lot of your musings very interesting. I have been dating this girl for about a year now and I can say she has the ideal personality for a wife that any man would want, especially as an African. She can cook, she is hardworking, not obsessed with material things and very respectful. My parents have met her once and they like her a lot. My only problem with her is that she is not as intellectually driven as much as I am.
She is not a moron but we often lack interesting conversations. I'm very versatile on a lot of topics that she is mostly not interested in. I'm not so attracted to this knowing that she has a lot of good virtues but we find it hard to just talk like friends and have an interesting topic to discuss.
I fear that she will come across to me as boring once we get married because even right now I enjoy talking to a few female friends more about music, politics, science and even couple of other subjects that I might not necessarily be interested in. I have talked to her about this and she thinks I should accept her the way she is. I try to educate her on a number of subjects but she is either indifferent or does not get it.
I have asked myself the same question and considered if I am being selfish for thinking I will only get what I want. My girlfriend is mostly interested in watching TV shows and reading romance novels for past times, most of which are feminine in nature and will be difficult for me to come to terms with if we have to talk about them.
I tried to push her to sign up for dance classes like salsa or Zumba and probably gym membership as well which she has not done up till now. She is such an introvert and I think it's such a work trying to pull her out of her shell. I am willing to work if there's anything I am doing wrong, but I don't want to be miserable if we decide to get married.
To me, it is very important to have a wife who is intellectually sound as this will be the basis for my kids mental growth and academic soar. I'm not even concerned about looks as much as I'm attracted to an intelligent, confident woman.
Do you really think we can work things out or I should just move on if this is much of a big deal to me?
P.S You can post this on your blog as well, I'll appreciate the comments.
I think you are just worrying too much...she's probably the reserved type and an introvert and her upbringing and enviroment might have influenced her attitude...You just have to learn to accept her the way she is and focus more on her strengths and good side...when we accept people for who they are, they become better,but when we insist on changing them,they become worse..To enjoy your relationship..You have to accept the things you cannot change about your partner. Also, with love,you can keep trying to get her along in all these activities, with time, she might come out of her shell.....and if you feel you will be miserable when you get married..then move on....but remember, no partner comes in a full package, we all have our flaws..and from the way you have described her...I must say, ladies like that are so rare.....You need to hear some men talk about their partner, then you will understand what I mean..
ReplyDeleteYes I think you probably should move on after you have a very serious conversation with her about it. Please help her understand that you are not trying to change her, but the truth of the matter is, she has to stay relevant and that involves conversant knowledge about the world around her. These days one's mind has to be equipped to be a global citizen. If no improvement after this, you will have to move on. How would you share your dreams and aspirations? They might be too big for her to handle. Who will be able to question the unintelligent decisions you make, and trust me they will come? Yeah dude I am all for love and relationships working out but it sounds to me like you both are not compatible.
ReplyDeleteYou are not compatible. It is really that simple. How can you marry someone you cannot talk to?.
ReplyDeletePlease marry someone you're compatible with and can have a rapport not because your parents like her and she can cook.
ReplyDeleteHOw can you sit there and complain that she doesn't take an interest in the things you like but then turn around and say that you can't be bothered to take an interest in the things she likes (and because they're "too feminine" to boot)? Pot meet kettle. If you feel like you aren't compatible with her then move on. Otherwise, figure out a way to make it work.
ReplyDeleteWhy should he take an interest in feminine things? He didn't ask her to take an interest in masculine things so there is no reciprocality involved here.
DeleteHe wants her to take an interest in intellectual things which last time I checked is gender neutral.
Correct
DeleteI meet men like you all the time who forgot that compatibility is key in a relationship. All they do with their wives is procreate, go to church together, go to the mall together and talk about the kids.
ReplyDeleteThere are intellectual people that have married spouses you would at best label "vacuous" and they are fine with it. In fact, they like it that way. There are also people that couldn't have done that because having an intelligent conversation AT HOME really matters to them. It all depends on what a person wants.
In your case, you don't like it so if you decide to go ahead with it, you have to resign yourself to having all the conversations with yourself. You might even have to come up with an imaginary friend in the guestroom. You can't change her, you can't change fundamental things like that. You are either intellectual or you are not. If you force her, she might resent you. The other option is for you to get in touch with your feminine side hehehe.
I wouldn't do it if I were you but I wouldn't have reached this stage to begin with. It does seem wicked to jilt her at this stage where it seems like the poor girl has already bought her wedding dress. And if she also reads this blog, we can expect a dear myne letter about how this guy jilted her and I wonder what advice we lot will also give her.
My guy, just think well about it sha. The greatest benefit of marriage is that close companionship and if you can't get that with her, then ...............
Thank u sooo much.. u took every word u said out of my big mouth... u hit the nail on d head..truer words have never been said..
DeleteMy father, an intellectual, married a woman, my mother who was no match for him intellectually. Was he happy? NO. Was she happy, sadly NO too. My father found solace in me, his intellectual daughter( I'm not blowing my trumpet) to the extent that my mother grumbles that I am my father's wife and she merely had kids for him.
ReplyDeleteI grew up reading about the South African apartheid and discussing Margaret Thatcher. My copy of Awo's "My Early Life" was given to me by my Dad. Babangida's S.A.P. was discussed at the dinner table. So you get the gist. My father relished the woman I was growing up to be but the fact that he and my mother were intellectually incompatible drove a wedge between them. They're still together, thirty years and counting. But I felt they could have been happier with other people. Guy choose wisely, that's all I can say
thanks for sharing ur story... u just made up my mind for me...
DeleteWow!Very deep.
DeleteI was in a relationship like Urs. At first we induldged in idle gossip, talking about others. After a while we ran out of things to discuss. When we were together, there was nothing for us to discuss which I found quite boring. As a result I started spending less time with her but she wanted us to spend more time together, doing what? I have no idea. So when we did spend time together, it quickly degenerated into quarrels about my insensitivity. And before long we drifted apart & called it quits. From the word go, we both knew we were different but felt love was enough *scoffs*. My brother, walk...sorry...run away as fast as Ur legs can carry U before resentment ruins Ur marriage.
ReplyDeleteAs much as there is the place of one's friends in everyone's lives that your spouse alone is not expected to magically fill once you're married, some one who likes to have intellectual conversations will always always feel the need for one. And if you cant find that at home, home will be boring for you and you'll find that you're constantly drawn to your 'happy place'.
ReplyDeleteIts all the little things that make marital life fun. Its not enough to have a good cook and just want to run out after your meals cuz there's nothing more to look forward to. Some people are sapiosexual, that goes to show how much intelligence can attract you to people and keep you attracted to your spouse since it means that much to you. Having that awkward silence in your home all the time would make you feel like you're in pitch darkness.
Please put sentiments aside. Its a life long decision you're about to make. A broken 10yr relationship is better than a broken 6months marriage. People before you have compromised just like this and now live with regret and dissatisfaction.
All the best
Well, I think everyone here, is correct in one way or another. So I'll just reaffirm what has been said in my own way; talk at length with her, and try to make her understand things from your perspective. Also, try to understand things from hers. And know why at her age she still likes to read romance novels. If after the long talk, nothing tangible it positive comes from it, then both of you should consider going your separate ways... sorry
ReplyDeleteI am sapiosexual too, and I am not just happy, but also relieved to know there are people who share this same "sexuality" with me. I used to think I was too choosy. Now, I know I'm not alone *sighs relieved*
wait oh, there's nothing wrong with reading romance novels as an adult. The problem is when it consumes you.
DeleteMy brother, you are in for a tough one. Lemme tell you why. I was in this kind of situation some years ago, but let's leave story for tortoise. I will advise you to simply break up and go and look for that babe with whom you are more compatible. But you also have to prepare for the consequences. If you decide to take this bold step, you've gotta be prepared for the plenty bombshells of criticism that everyone who knew you guys together will throw at you...which includes even your own close pals who you expect to understand you most. Everyone is gonna blame you and that babe will likely hate you forever. Also, you gotta be prepared for the challenges waiting for you out there, 'cos it may take you a long time to find that 'perfect' girl...a period of time during which you'll meet plenty wrong wrong girls...girls that are 100% worse in character than the babe you're leaving now. Those babes will make you wish you had stayed with the one you're with at the moment. However, if you don't gonna through all that stress and you decide to keep and marry the one with right now, you gotta be prepared for a life-long of regrets and plenty battle with temptations to cheat on your wife, 'cos, trust me brov, you'll surely meet babes who've got those core qualities you desire in your woman (although they never come in complete packages too). You'll meet babes who've got the combo of pretty + brilliant + intellectual + friendly + sexy, so you may never be happy in that marriage. Nevertheless, marriage is a life-long journey, and it's most awesome when one is with the right the person; no matter the storms that come your way, you guys can face them together and overcome. You will be very happy and fulfilled. So, my brother, coutn your costs and make your decision. Above all, I wish you all the best.
ReplyDeleteAS much as I feel for the girl, my best advise to you is to leave her. sad but true. I have seen this happen on so many occasions that I know its not worth it. a friend of mine has the same problem, she is married to someone that she cant have a conversation with and believe me anytime I see them together I wonder.
ReplyDeleteplease dont do it... u'll get bored sooner than later.. ur sapiosexual as some people have pointed out and that means intellect weighs far more than anything else.. U'll live in regret. i was exactly in the same situation as u some years back. He was perfect but we were not compatible. What did i do? I RAN!!!! She may be perfect for someone else but not for u... All that glitters isnt gold..
ReplyDeleteI have been in this situation.The only thing the guy used to tell me was that he loved me which I believed.He is a very good,generous and loving person but we had nothing,abso(freaking)lutely nothing to talk about.You couldn't discuss politics,world news,tv shows,childhood shows or stuff with him.After the initial dating phase(might I add that we jumped into it too quickly),I realised that his company was frustrating me and as I like having conversations and the only one he was offering me was to touch me and tell me he loved me,I had to end it abruptly.
ReplyDeleteI feel happy that I cut it off before it became too late.
I know nobody is perfect,but my deal breaker is lack of communication.Otherwise,I would be married to him and have a boyfriend outside who engages me intellectually.