You Didn't Tell Me Marriage Would Be Like This - Part 1

There are very few times in life when someone will say to another person “Ah… ah, you didn’t tell me!” with a real look of semi-betrayal and wonder at the fact that they were left to figure this out themselves.


You see, when studying for a big exam you will have a syllabus, past examination questions for practice, a tutor who can teach you right from wrong, and even strategies like spending less time on question types you don’t typically do well on.

When you get a job, there is a general overview on your new responsibilities, and a good Human resources Department will welcome you with a manual that tells you about the company’s’ rules and expectations. You will most likely have a manager and maybe even go through training before you start actual work. You might be part of a team and will have the chance to get reviewed regularly to get feedback on how you are doing. Most ideal job places are free of emotion and preferential treatment (at least in-your-face preferential treatment).

These two big milestones in a person’s life, graduating from University (where you were guided through coursework and obtained a degree) and landing your first job (where once again you got the necessary support and feedback) are often followed or accompanied by marriage.

And it is in usually only in marriage that will get one person to say to another, or mother, or aunty, or father, or friend, that “ah… ah, you didn’t tell me!”.

Marriage is the opposite of all the other things in life that come with a manual or syllabus or general expectations of what to expect and a general plan to master these things. Marriage, by default of what it is - two different people becoming one - is almost impossible to master from the get go or at all.

So, unlike school and work where in general your effort results in good grades or compensation, in marriage you are dealing with a person who comes with no manuals and surprisingly your efforts do not always yield the results you expect. Even if you totally got the person you were dating, almost always, the occurrence of a wedding, and the marriage that follows, changes both of you!

I know I noticed the difference myself when I got married and in the long time since then, it is very common for me to see a beautiful bride, who I last saw smiling and dancing at her wedding, give me that sideways glance and comment ‘ah… ah you didn’t tell me!”

What that means is that I didn’t tell her what marriage would be like. The truth is you cannot tell anyone or fully prepare anyone for marriage. As a dear aunt of mine says, marriage is a school from where you never graduate! And isn’t that the truth? You never graduate from marriage, you never finish, you never have him or her or marriage itself all figured out.

Seasons and times change people, the demands of having to be a husband or wife comes with change, learning to compromise, communicate, think about someone else all the time (not some of the time), discussing finances, plans for the future, dealing with in-laws and a whole set of your spouses contacts including, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, Pastor, Church family and more. Never mind in all of this you are also figuring out who you are in your new life.

For the women, you have a new title as M.R.S. and with it comes some Massive.Real .Shifts. You are a wife now, the manager of your home, you are meant to be submissive (and all the misinterpretations that comes with this), the creator of a loving environment for your husband, the majority owner of domestic work, preparer of meals, the vessel that must get ready for childbirth and child rearing…all the while still being you and dealing with parts and demands of the life you had before getting married.

Being baffled in the early years of marriage will happen and continue to happen because there is no way to be prepared for it all no matter how much you are warned by others. The truth is that if we spend too much time ‘warning and preparing”, it might end up with men and women who are too scared and nervous to try it out.

Marriage with all the work and changes you will face is still a beautiful thing and what God ordained.
So to all my fellow married people who have now crossed over the “ah… ah didn’t tell me!” side and to all the those who will comment after marriage that “ah… ah you didn’t tell me!”, the truth is it is not possible to ever truly tell it all before you jump in!


God Bless Marriages. 

“Marriage is honorable in all” Heb 13:4

To Be Continued...

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Yetty Williams is a wife and mother, and the editor of LagosMums