Please help. I am looking for advice especially from those already married. I turned 28 this year and am currently in a work contract that won't allow me to marry until just before my 30th birthday so I'm not rushing to be married but it's been over 2 years since I have been "in love" and I'm afraid it's because my last relationship ruined my perspective on love.
I am American and I met a Yoruba working in America and we fell in love on day one. We literally talked for 12 hours straight. Just after a month I felt sure 100% he was the one I would marry and I never felt that before. 3 months later we were headed to Nigeria for his sisters wedding. Most of the trip was good his mother loved me and had a native outfit made for me and his dad showed us plots he had bought for the future generations. I later fell sick and I could see he was so scared he was going to lose me.
When the trip ended he went to UK to study and I went back to America to pursue a new career. We had planned to stay long distance but weeks after returning home he broke our relationship. He first said it was his family refusing to let their last born marry outside the Yoruba tribe. Later he said that wasn't the real reason but wouldn't say what it was.
Regardless I have been searching for a man that would give me those same strong feelings and within the first day or two. But it's over two years now and I have never experienced that soul mate love I had before. I've met lots of great men that love me a lot but I haven't even able to commit to them because after spending days with them I don't feel that love for them.
Before my Yoruba boyfriend, I would take at least months with someone to tell if I could love them and I advised friends to give themselves time to fall in love. But now, I expect to fall in love within a day or a few days at most.
I am so confused and frustrated because I feel like I am searching for something that may not exist. Did I ruin my one chance at true love? Should I be giving these guys a longer chance to make me fall in love with them? Do I keep waiting for the next one that takes my breath away instantly? If I still feel I love and could marry the one who disappointed me, should I remain single?
Thanks much.
#sigh
ReplyDeleteI am still yung and i may not b in position to give you advise but i suggest that you just pray and commit everything to God
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Hmm.. This is a very difficult 'place' to be in..
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, may I say that there isn't one man for you that if you miss being with him, you've missed your chance at 'true' love..
To receive love, I believe you need to open up yourself to it. After a difficult break-up, the tendency is to either try to look for a substitute or on the other hand, close yourself up and/or compare every other man that even tries to come along to the 'perfection' that is the ex. Also, it may be difficult to try and let someone else 'in' after you have opened up yourself and given a great part of you to your ex in trust... There's nothing wrong with that, the truth is that unfortunately it was given to someone who didn't quite know how to treat you the way you deserved/wanted to be treated, or someone who wasn't at the same place as you were. Either way, even though it was beautiful while it lasted, the reality is that it has come to an end.
You need to be truthful to yourself and admit that it is over and that the probabilities of your ex coming back is nil or next to it (If it happens, then great but for you to move on, you must let go completely!).. It is a very bitter pill to swallow but a 'necessary evil'.
Then I encourage you to make friends with the opposite sex.. Start small.. Don't look at the 'oh what if he wants something more or think 'will this lead to a long relationship?' That's enough to give you a panic attack lol.. Make friends. It helps to build your trust again. Make good friends (not the ones who want to be 'friends') but real ones that you can talk to and hang out with. If possible, hang out with married couples as well.. Happy ones.. So that you can see that it is possible to be in a fulfilling long-term relationship.
When you are comfortable enough (and take your time, don't rush it), date again and don't be surprised, you may end up looking back and thanking God the break-up happened! You never know what God saved you from and better still, what better plans He has for you... Hold that thought, don't give up on love just yet xxxx
Well said!
DeleteIt is much better to give one of the men that comes your way a chance, so far you find the man attractive with time the love would grow. You might even be surprised that you end up falling deeply in love with the man. From experience love that takes time to grow usually last longer.
ReplyDeleteLove is not really a feeling of euphoria or the heart jumping feeling you get when a guy walks up to you and pumps your hand or compliments you or just even looks at you. True love, is an action word.
ReplyDeleteLove is patient, love is kind, love bears all things and endures all things. Love is not rude or boastful, love seeks out the best in others. Love does not lie or cheat, love gives and protects. Love covers wrong doing. And most importantly, love forgives.
Finding a life partner (in my opinion- and that's how I met and married my wonderful husband), is more about finding someone who can be your friend for life. Some one you can laugh with and sing with and dance with. Someone you can be yourself with, someone you can share your dreams with without fear of disdain. Some one you can tell your hopes to, someone who would understand you in all things and accept you for who you are.
Most importantly, Finding someone who can forgive the worst things about you and cheer you on in times of despair and sadness
I would say, look out for the guy who treats others with respect, who takes care of his mother and siblings. Look out for a man who gives, who has a vision and goal for his life, and someone who constantly seeks to see. your own dreams being realized. I would say look out for a man who loves God in the secret place of his life. One who loves God when no one is looking. Dont marry someone who merely goes to church, marry a man who fears God. Don't marry someone with no rules or standards that he lives his life by, marry one who has rules to keep him in check.
When you find this man, your heart may not always skip a beat, and you may not always feel that tingling sensation when he touches you. You may not find him so handsome he turns everyone's head. But you will find a man who truly loves you, and who will stick with you till the end.
Over time, your heart will beat for him, and your affections will grow for him. Attraction should never be trusted for it fades and we all grow old and unattractive.
Don't follow what the world calls love or you might miss it. Follow God.
I wish you all the best in your search. I pray you find him.
Thank you very much for this comment! God bless you xx
DeleteThis is spot on, thanks for sharing.
Deleteyour comment really spoke to my heart, because i am so at a crossroad in this courting,loving,marriageable stage of my life
DeleteWhen it comes to marriage, I got the same advice from my mother. She said and I quote, "Love grows, just make sure you find a kind man who loves you."
ReplyDeletehmmm do you mean you have to marry a guy that loves you more than you love him ? say he loves you 100% and you love him 70% ? If that is what you mean then that does not apply to every woman.. Some women don't grow to love their husbands.
Deletei just know that one should never marry because love may grow. Sometimes it grows, sometimes it doesn't.. different strokes for different folks.
DeleteBest comment funpen.
ReplyDeleteU really don't have any problem,I think all u have 2do is revamp ur thinking.love does not alwsy come in one day(infact am a firm believer dat love cannot develop in a day) u have to know the person,his strenght,flaws,all d quirks dat mk him who he is,only then can u really say I love him,u love evry part of him.love grows and increases wt time.wat happens wen u fall in love one day and afterwards he turns out to be sometin else? Will d love stil b there? Thrz no rush in love.know who u r with,build ur friendship and if u want to go further,d feelings will develop if he is good.
ReplyDeleteDon't b scared,u haven't lost ur soulmate,open ur eyes to the true possiblities of love.
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I do believe in love, and I also believe that the instant feelings you are expecting may not always happen like that.
ReplyDeleteSo perhaps you should give these 'good' men a chance to show you a better way to express your love. You may get back these feelings you desire.
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well? if ur soul mate has left u, that means u are finished.whose soul mate do u want to grab now? hear this, soul mate theory is a hogwash. look at it this way, if soul mate theory is right that means anyone that mistakenly marries a 'wrong person' has lost his or her chance forever at marriage or companionship. the scriptures says, whosoever findeth, obtains favor from God. bottom line is there are thousands of people who can perfectly fit into ur life if u take the time to look b4 u leap. good luck.
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