Family Tales of Woes and Victories by BabaWilly

Catching your child wasting family resources can spark anger. With that comes an intense desire to right all the wrong ideas they harbour about the intrinsic value of things they see in the family home. The usual vehicle for the attempt at transforming their behaviour is the ‘lecture’.

The languages of love - what is yours?

I have come across this a few times, how do you want your partner to show love to you. There is even a book called the five languages of love. Read the scenario below and let's discuss...

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Chioma and Obinna have been going out for six months. For Chioma, it's been a wonderful experience. Obinna is honest, attentive, caring, supportive and generous - a refreshing change from the lowlifes that she has dated in the past. Add to that that he is well-built, intelligent and good-looking, and she can truly say that he is the perfect person for her, except for just one thing...

When Chioma started going out with Obinna, she noticed immediately that he was not very expressive, quite stoic in fact. She didn't mind this at the time, especially because some of the guys she had been out with in the past had been smooth talkers - and where did that get her when she found that they had been using their silver tongues to get other girls on the side? So she was glad Obinna was matter-of-fact, their relationship had started after months of platonic friendship while working together.

But now it was beginning to get on her nerves. Chioma loves hearing expressions of endearment as much as she loves saying them. Hearing those three magic words "I love you" from someone that she really cares for never fails to light up her day. Obinna had only said it once, a day she had kicked up a fuss after a major disagreement. She decided they had to talk again about this. She told Obinna that oh, she didn't want to nag, but he knew that saying he loved her really made her happy. Maybe he could say it more often, send her some love notes or poems, even be more receptive of her public displays of affection.

Obinna responded by saying that she knew the kind of person he was when they started dating. Honestly, he said, he had never been the demonstrative kind of person; he grew up in an environment where such displays of emotion were discouraged or not practiced. He was not used to it, it made him uncomfortable and he preferred their affairs being private. Besides, he continued, it wasn't as if he didn't show her how much he loved her in other ways, like spending quality time with her, doing things for her when she needed help or support and buying her gifts.

Chioma said that she truly appreciated these gestures, but she didn't really understand how difficult it could be just to open your mouth and express how you felt or even write it down. So she didn't really think she was asking for that much. Obinna countered by saying that it wasn't fair for her to prescribe to him how he should express his love to her. How would she feel if he told her that she must wash all his clothes, cook for him all the time and clean after him to show how much she loved him? But she wasn't insisting, Chioma retorted...

The discussion did not end conclusively, and for Chioma, the issue still lingers. Obinna knows this, and has asked whether he should record his voice saying "I love you" so that she can hear that as an alarm ring tone on her phone when she wakes up, but Chioma thinks that is a sign that he is treating the matter unseriously. She doesn't know whether she should look elsewhere as Obinna doesn't look like changing his stance, or whether she should just learn to live with it...

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