I had a discussion with a friend recently on writing romance set in Nigeria and she believes it is highly unrealistic. I thought it was because of the western/African dichotomy in romance where a few people I met during my readings mentioned that most Nigerians find it hard to say I love you and would rarely give flowers and such. Now that I understand, even though I think even the gap is lessening as more and more imbibe the foreign gestures through movies, books, education abroad, dating other races, etc.
But where exactly does it come from this "Nigerian men are unemotional?" Is it from the culture and upbringing or what? Does being unemotional mean they feel nothing for the women they're with or they hide it and prefer not to voice it out? Also we should be bear in mind that emotions are not just about love and affection, anger is also an emotion. How come our men are comfortable showing that side of them to the extent of Domestic Violence but find it hard to be more sensitive when it comes to relationships? Some male reviewers of AHTM have found Edward too emotional and soft, hear one..
...I do wonder why a tough-minded Edward, who had the world at his feet, was sort of soft. It was easy for any tough-minded man like Edward to say, ‘I love you’ even if it was a lie, just to establish a one night affair with any lady. It was easy for a tough-minded man like Edward to relieve himself with prostitutes … But Whitman stigmatized her Edward with a weakness which was rare. Whitman’s tough-minded Edward couldn’t double-date neither could he raise a voice against Gladys. SOURCE
So is that our idea of Nigerian men; brutish, unfaithful and harsh to their women?
Please share your thoughts.
I always thought Nigerian men were always more romantic than Ghanaian men? So there's no hope for West Africa? Yikes!
ReplyDeleteI dont think we can say ALL Nigerian men are unemotional.
ReplyDeleteMy other half is actually more emotional than I am - and I find this refreshing as I can be a bit to pragmatic about things.
I have come to the conclusion that upbringing and environment plays a key part in shaping one's ability to accept and display emotions.
The example set by a boy's parents is likely to shape his behaviour and attitude when he becomes a man.
Happy New Year Myne. I agree with Naijamum, upbringing has a lot to do with how emotions are expressed. My hubby is very uncomfortable with PDA, but he is the most caring and sensitive man I have ever met. Not all Nigerian men are brutes, however from the tales one hear, they seem to be in the majority? I haven't forgotten our project, will inbox you by the 15th :)
ReplyDeleteI can't really say anything about Nigerian men vs. any nationality of man. But I truly believe every living thing has emotions. Just my opinion
ReplyDeleteA few years ago I would agree with the notion that all Nigerian men are unemotional/unromantic but that has changed now...I have met some Nigerian men that are a lot of both.
ReplyDeleteHowever in the general sense, I believe that Nigerian men are raised to be tough, emotion-less, and strong-headed...hence the stereotype
Hate to speak with generalities, but I tend to think most *cringe* men fall into the description you mentioned (at least from a man/woman perspective) -- "prefer not to voice it out". You're right though, there are a myriad of emotions, sadly we tend to be more 'comfortable' expressing the less than positive ones.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year!
For me,I really don't care,if you want to be emotional or not or unromantic or not,I dont care,its their business,when they lose very important things for a show of macho,na their head go tell them,but I've met a microscopic few of totally hopeless romantics and I adore them.
ReplyDeleteIMO, men are not devoid of emotions, however, they are not encouraged to show these emotions in public so as to avoid being labelled 'effeminate or a sissy'.
ReplyDeleteMen tend to show their emotions when left alone in the presence of the one they love or dote on. A guy would go on his knees and even sometimes cry in the embrace of his lover and thereafter vehemently deny it when the 'boys' are around... its just the way they are wired.
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ReplyDeleteDitto naijamum's sentiments. Upbringing plays a huge role. It's not like naija men don't know how to show their emotions. They're just socialized not to do so and it's very sad. Thankfully I have met men on both sides of the scale. That gives me hope:)
ReplyDeleteLol @ Gretel's comments. But she's so right.
Myne,I am sure you know my take on this issue. Nigerian men are emotional, very emotional. That we do not readily show this is the beauty of our upbringing. I mean, we tend to show emotions in the privacy of our love lives, that's why a lot of women here admit that their men are emotional and loving. Nigerian men are brought up to have a strong facade, to shield their emotion with their maleness. We may not be much into flowers and all that mushy mushiness, but we make up for that, if we need to, with the strength of our character.
ReplyDeleteWe do cry when love hurts, but only our lovers see that. We sure know how to love, but our women seem to believe too much in the western ideals, propagated by M&b type books and movies, that they tend to believe we are less than we really are. It's time they learn the truth, that their loving husband/boyfriend is one of many, not one of a kind.
Happy New Year Myne, in my small experience it is that the problem is in showing their vulnerability, is is like all men are meant to be strong and tough always. Like a lot of your readers said, social norms and upbringing have a lot to do with it.
ReplyDeleteHappy new year,.....i agree that maybe our culture has a role to play but no man is unemotional....they just don't know how to show their emotions sometimes
ReplyDeleteNaija men have emotions but they just feel its weak to show it. so they try very hard to suppress and mask these emotions
ReplyDeleteHowever, naija men are so romantic..cards, gifts, surprise gifts, candle lit dinner and the whole nine yards,...give it up to 9ja men
Info:
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't care what they are, what culture makes them or not. If i can prepare myself for marriage then my husband will prepare himself too and won't have those issues.
Me and God have an agreement because if i had to deal with a nigerian man with all the quips i doubt i would go ahead with it. So it has to be a Zion man.
That said! Myne Happy new Year...
I have little experience with Nigerians, only a few here in my small town... but the Nigerian man I dated was super romantic while we dated!
ReplyDeleteIs it their fault? when parents keep telling their young sons 'Be a man! men don't cry, etc.'
ReplyDeleteI think the young Nigerian men of nowadays are romantic. they might not express themselves in public, but they are in private.
Totally agree with most of these comments.
ReplyDelete@Fred, abi o, they're one of many just that the others won't show it to those who are not close to them. Hmm...
the beauty of diverse cultures I guess. But some of these macho men have lost touch with their emotions sha and need help!
I agree with Naijamum its upbringing. My hubby is romantic and I love it and he is pure Naija. I guess this generation there is change.
ReplyDeleteSecondly I don't agree with that review that your character was to soft, from people's experiences the hard men when they fall, they fall flat. I am currently working on a romantic novel, setting Naija and I am in love with my hero..www.secretlilies.blogspot.com.
Still waiting for your mail on how to increase traffic for my blog.
Happy new year.
Hmm, I wouldn't fit every naija guy into that stereotype, alto, our parents; generation can certainly be blamed.
ReplyDeleteI've met a lot of sweet, romaNtic guys and they're proudly naija.
Cheers Myne!
Hmm, I wouldn't fit every naija guy into that stereotype, alto, our parents; generation can certainly be blamed.
ReplyDeleteI've met a lot of sweet, romaNtic guys and they're proudly naija.
Cheers Myne!
I just think that most Nigerian men are clueless as well as take their women for granted..
ReplyDeleteI don't think Nigerian men are unemotional; most of them, though, are afraid to show it. I've actually discussed this with some of my male friends, and i may even go as far as saying guys are sometimes more emotional than girls.
ReplyDeleteI also think that if a guy really likes you, he puts in effort to be romantic. But he probably won't tell his friends this, you know? lol
xoxo
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