Dear Myne - I don't Know the Man I Married

Dear Myne, This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm by nature a very private person especially when it comes to my relationship with my husband. But due to recent events and my ensuing confusion, I've decided to seek advice anonymously. I'm pouring it all out so please forgive the epistle.

I dated my husband for 5 years and got married less than 2 years ago. For about half the time we dated, we were in different states/countries, but the relationship endured. I have always had very intense feelings for my husband and I believed it was the same vice versa. He is very caring and concerned about my well-being. As far as I knew, we don't joke with our love for each other.

As at the time I started dating him, I knew he had a past with the ladies and had acquired a reputation as a womaniser but he somehow convinced me that the phase had passed. According to him, he had gotten the urges out of his system. I believed him. I was a virgin when we met and remained so till some months to our wedding.

I have always had a phobia for being in an unfaithful relationship due to past experiences with ex-boyfriends. Through our five year courtship, there were two incidents when I was sure he was cheating on me. On both occasions, he spun me such believable tales and I also somehow believed my paranoia was at work.


Within 3 or 4 months after we got married, I discovered I had contracted herpes. He has been my only lover. However, due to his wild past, I forgave him after a while as I couldn't be sure he recently contracted it. Herpes has no cure, one can only manage the episodes. Decided to keep it quiet, no one asides us and my doctor knew.

Some days to our 1st wedding anniversary, I discovered my hubby's chats on an online dating site. Whilst there were suggestive messages and flirting innuendoes with the ladies he chatted with, there was nothing to indicate he was actually having sexual affairs. There was plenty brouhaha and our 1st anniversary was terrible. Needless to say, our anniversary getaway did not hold and I was barely talking to him. He kept denying it wasn't him operating the account and pleaded with me. I decided to forgive and try to move on. After all, there was no conclusive proof.

At the moment, I'm heavily pregnant with our first child and just discovered some weeks back that my husband has been serially cheating on me with different 'runz girls' who he gives money. I had so much irrefutable evidence that he had no choice but to confess all. In less than 2 years of marriage, he has had not less than 20 different other sexual partners. He sometimes left my warm and willing body at home to go have sex with random girls. And apparently, everytime he travelled out of state/country, there were different sex partners/orgies at his destination. From my investigation, this lifestyle is a pastime shared by his circle of married friends.

I'm so heartbroken. Even though I have had fears about infidelity, I never thought it could be this bad. Our sex life has never been less vibrant. In fact of recent, I usually initiated sex and was still thinking of the most sensitive way to bring up the issue about the drop in his libido. So I'm baffled that he would resort to paying for sex.

I have cried everyday since my discovery, I don't sleep through the night and my work has suffered. Our home is so tense as I switch between depression and anger. I thank God the baby is fine and has held strong through the turmoil.

I confronted him and he's been begging for forgiveness and a final chance for him to change his ways. He has made a lot of promises including getting closer to God, getting sex addiction counselling, cutting off interaction with the decadent friends and focusing on making our marriage work. We have never been the best Christians, I struggle a lot in my relationship with God and he merely goes to church to keep me happy. I know divorce is frowned upon in the church, but I am so confused.

On one hand, I want to provide a stable home for my unborn child, but at what expense? Whilst the easiest thing would be to give him another chance and hope for the best, I can't bring myself to trust that he would make a lasting change. Apparently, he was actually cheating through all the previous episodes I found out. He has already passed on one STD, is it until he contracts AIDS and passes it on?

I am trying to think deeply and decide on the best way forward for me and our baby. I can't talk to my family or friends cause they will be outraged and I also feel a deep sense of shame that I am in this situation. I feel the signs were always there before I got in so deep but I ignored them. I have been trying to pray for God's direction but I need help. I don't know the person I married!!!