Now I know that older people do it more. A girl friend won the green card and most people advised her to find a boyfriend and quickly make him a fiance, or marry the next available guy before leaving for America. Some guys I know in the US and UK have had friends and family recommend potential wives for them from back in Nigeria. These guys have not been to Nigeria in years, and funny enough, the plan is to carry out a long distance courtship and then ship the wife over after maybe one trip for the wedding. Hmm...I've seen it work o, but most times, the result is not so good.
So it baffles me that young people when they're ready to get married also start thinking of travelling back home to find a partner. I don't understand why they can't just look around them and consider the people currently around them wherever they are. I know from figures there's obviously a wider pool of people like you where you come from, but surely one doesn't need an ocean to find a drop of water. There's nothing written that says your countrymen or women (from source) are better marriage material, or is there?
My dear readers, please help me out. What has been your experience of this. Do you know anyone it has happened to, and how did it work out? Have you been involved? Do you plan to do it yourself? What do you think of the whole thing? Let's talk...
Thanks for your help/comment on my post. Advice taken.
ReplyDeleteAs for me, I think good wives can be found anywhere, irrespective of location. Some people come to Nigeria to pick a 'good wife' and they find out that the wife is not so good after all. Maybe their argument is that there are better chances of finding a good wife here in Nigeria than where they are. Its still all a gamble sha, especially when you never really courted the person
you have a word here sis,when we are talking about something concerning one particular thing that others do or what they have known for,we are not talking about everyone. for example, when i said all Nigerians are bad, surely not all but the majority carries the vote.Nigerian ladies abroad are known as ladies that like to do things thier way, meaning they can't humble themselves to a man because of the enviroment they are, yet it's true but not all. but the majority there carries the vote. so many guys better come home looking for one that still have that respect then put her in a direction he want her.which i know they are still those that are bad.
DeleteHad this same discussion on my way to work this morning. I guess most people still cant imagine marrying outside of their race (and we beef others for being racist), and then they believe that the nigerians back home are more grounded than the ones in diaspora, so they'd rather come back home for a spouse.
ReplyDeleteive seen some people do it but how its working out is what i dont know...........i dont see them but i think the whole point of marriage is to be with someone you know and love..not some arranged girl or guy back home
ReplyDeletehttp://lucianochinwe.blogspot.com/
I've encountered many people asking me to be a potential wife of so called Nigerian man living abroad(whom I've never met). I'm often at a loss because I cant see why you would travel thousand of miles to get hitched in your country, when you have scores of women close to you.I don't think it has anything to do with patriotism either.
ReplyDeleteMost claim, women over there are not to be trusted,they are expensive, wiser..bla bla bla..
Besides, there is an ever ready market of potential wives back here who would do anything to leave the shores of this country.To say the truth, only a few actually get hitched.The rest are used as summer play things by these men,who return to their base with no wives on their arms.
A lot of Nigerians in diaspora believe their chances of having successful marriages increase if they marry someone back home. Guys do it alot cos they think she'll be 'domesticated', 'submissive' etc.
ReplyDeleteHowever, there are well brought up girls living abroad too unfortunately they are also hoping to find 'church' boys in Nigeria to hook up to. Guess the problem is belief, orientation and social circle!
words cannot describe how awesome that "drop of water...ocean" quote was lol. But i guess thats why you're the writer here.
ReplyDeleteAnywho, yeah i know of some younger folks (30 and under) that are looking back home for a partner (not just 9ja ppl). Some people just want an easy fix. Others are bowing to family pressure to "not marry akata/oyibo". But then i also know some Nigerians that say they've never dated nor will they ever marry a nigerian (whether from naija or from yankee)
Personally, im just fine with finding someone in my own backyard. LDR's are lame lol
I think most people go back home to find a wife/husband because of reasons like...I don't even know! but I'd say I live in the UK at the moment and the Nigerian men around are just something else they live like they borrowed the life and they don't care about anyone but themselves they are very very irritating and I wont recommend them even for my enemy. they just cheat women and "behave anyhow" I am already thinking the Nigerian trip will be good for me too! Also, I have noticed that most Africans out here live carelessly they throw all caution to the wind and loose all value and standard.although there are a few different ones but I have not met many.
ReplyDeleteWell, considering my relationship is an LDR and it started as one, I will not put down the possibility of such working out. It sure depends on the two people involved and God's will for them, of course.
ReplyDeleteOn the issue you have raised; I've been away from home (Nigeria) now for over 5yrs and my experience is that; especially with the places I've lived, Singapore and New Zealand, the ladies have become 'citizens' of the land. Most of them have lost the 'culture'; the essence of marriage; the notion of honour and respect for the man and so on. I mean, as a very traditional man, yet very well educated, I will never go for such women. They are likely to kill me before my time. I think most men think the same too; is why they prefer to go back home and 'find a wife'. I have more to say but I'd stop here.
- LDP
my very close friend, had her husband introduced to her by her friend who happened to be his sister (she met this friend at NYSC camp). after series of endless phone calls, gifts, money etc, he came over to Nigeria and they had their traditional wedding, 6 months after being introduced.
ReplyDelete3 months after the wedding she was off to America on a fiance visa. i hear she has gotten her green card now sha. and they have been married for a little over two years. if the pictures she posts on facebook are anything to go by then she is having a blast.
However, this model would not work for me, cuz i would hate to marry a total stranger, what if he has a wife over there? or kids? what if he is an ex-con....
But it works for some people
Another thing that puzzles in Nigeria is that you can often ask someone 'What does your fiance do' and the person would say 'He stays abroad' As if the fact that he stays abroad guarantees that he is capable of taking care of a wife. I dont understand people that agree to get shipped for abroad marriage. but i think i can understand someone who insists on marrying a Nigerian wife, maybe he wants to please his parents, maybe he likes Nigerian food, plenty reasons
ReplyDeleteone time i was working on a project and the boss called me to his office, i thought he was gonna toast me and was already uncomfortable cuz the picture of his lovely wife was on his desk, so also his kids besides he was old.
ReplyDeleteTurned out to be he was trying to hook me up with his brother in Sweeden. i think i was 21 at the time.
I refused to give him my contact details to give his brother, fast-forward 6 months later, i was at ICAN class @ Maryland when he called me that the said brother was in town. Met up with them at Sheraton and thank God i did not give away my details earlier.
The brother was fat with a big tummy and his accent was very igbotic/ Swedish. i hated him at first sight
awwwwwww poor dude.......
DeleteSo one of your main criteria for a husband is "Accent". If you're not born in the States, you just have a Rented Accent. Anyway at 21, I can't blame you...Accent?...lol.
DeleteExactly why African men will rather import a girl from home than our girls in diaspora than want to even over do the natives in most things bad.
I will say 'keep an open mind' wherever you are.
ReplyDeleteAll that myth about more husbands back home etc etc is just that, a myth. I am a witness :)
Being cynical here, I'd say a lot of Nigerian men living in Nigeria will not pass up the opportunity to marry a green carded girl who will take them away from Nigeria..vice versa too. so yeah, it might be easier in that sense to find a partner back home.
On a lighter note, I do remember this guy abroad who the brother had hooked him up with this homely lady...that was before skype and yahoo mail. Guy finally came home and girl went with family to meet him at the airport. I heard Americana bros could not hide his disappointment..like 'Wtf! She is ugly, man! lol
my dear, it beats me to.I dont understand it
ReplyDeleteI think that marriage, in terms of human relations, is a bit easier when you find someone whose race, religion, education is similar to yours. However it is not a formula for being happy.
ReplyDeleteI think coming back home is a throwback from our parent's days. If one insists on being married to a Nigerian, then surely there are Nigerian girls in the UK, America, China or wherever else it is one is.
People intentionally go to naija to seek spouses because of the nigerian men/women abroad who seem to have lost their values. This is not to say that the ones they will find in Nigeria will be better. Especially these days that everywhere is getting westernized.
ReplyDeleteThere are good Nigerian men/women abroad but they have unfortunately been overshadowed by the culture-less ones.
I have seen two relationships that was a naija/yankee relationship work. But they were older and mature. The younger folks ought to take their time to avoid green card seekers!
Anyways, everyone just need to be careful.
Btw, who is to say that once the domesticated woman or cultured man gets to the foreign country, he.she would not become "culture-less"!
ReplyDeleteMschew!
Very interesting post and comments...this happens a lot in India too, so I can identify in some ways.
ReplyDeleteHope to see more of you via #writecampaign!
Gosh Myne! I'm sorry to go off course but all I see is that ring up there!! I love it!! I want it!!!
ReplyDelete**Now directing boyfey to this site to comment on this interesting topic!**
Inasmuch as going back to your home country to find a lifepartner sounds good, cos of shared cultural backgrounds et al, some of the drawbacks are also huge, because some will claim to love you just to get out of the country. The truth is that, some have found true love through such avenues and also some have found heartbreak. There is no formular for true love and marital bliss.
ReplyDeletehttp://praizhouse.blogspot.com/
This happened to a cousin's half-sister. They met in London after 6months of chats while she was in Naija and the guy in the US. After the 1st meeting in London, they were already talk about marriage. If her pictures on Facebook is anything to go by, then I would say she is pretty much happy.
ReplyDeleteAbeg abeg abeg o. The women should find their men abroad. The pool is already scanty as in; we don't need foreign complications.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the idea though. Not just because of the 'competition'. I would raise my eyebrows if a guy who has lived in America for 15 yrs, 'comes back' to seek out a wife. There are 50 states in America, not even one find? There may be a bit of laziness involved too.
I think the parents/family may have a hand in this too - 'no go bring Oyinbo wife for us o'.
Good question Ms Myne, I think it's our ethnocentric attitude. We perceive ourselves as being better so our-kind must be better.
ReplyDeleteLe Dynamic professor made interesting points. I think that some of the men abroad are a bit intimidated by the "success" and freedom of women abroad.
ReplyDeleteAs for women who go back home to find a partner, from the cases I've seen, it is usually because they've exhausted their options abroad.
People do it for different reasons. I THINK a big one might be the Naija pool around wherever the person might live.
ReplyDeleteAlso some men think the women in Naija are 'homely[ier]' and some women feel they will have a better chance of snagging a man cos they have a much larger pool to pick from and who doesn't want a janded/yankee babe?? #TongueInCheek
Its not black and white tho'. I heard success and failure stories.
Thank you all for the different points of view, experiences and thoughts.
ReplyDelete@Random one, I definitely agree that is not one size fits all. I've also seen some great outcomes.
People always act based on their experiences and perceptions. Like LDP said, he has acted/made a decision based on his own experience. Someone else may have a better experience and decide to act the opposite
ReplyDeleteHi Myne. I have no experience of long distance relationships, but I found it an interesting question.
ReplyDeleteAll I can add to the discussion is that at the end of the day, being happy together is the most important thing. :)
I am a well seasoned long distance relationship person - but I no do again! I don't recommend it but if you can make it work - congratulations lol
ReplyDeleteMarry whoever you want wherever you find them. My experience is that I already had been in a relationship with my wife before I moved to the UK. I married her two years after I left Nigeria because I felt that was the right decision. Do I regret it? Absolutely not!
ReplyDeleteIt's different strokes for different folks.
Intresting topic.
ReplyDeleteMy sister was introduced to her husband by my cousin who was his friend and he lived in UK. She had to leave her thriving business in Naija to relocated and it is working
[ think it is abt keepin an open mind you never you will find love just don't commit to each other until you meet and spend quality time
I have not heard of one that worked in particular. Long distance isn't/is hardly effective jare in my own opinion.
ReplyDeleteAny long distance relationship is a strain.
ReplyDeleteSome men like to think that the woman 'back home' would suit them better culture-wise, but I think it's sensible to make your life where you are, rather than transplanting someone who you might not get along with anyway.
ReplyDeleteThere's so much to say on the issue.
ReplyDeleteIt is true that it is hard to find people with the same culture or values as you in a foreign country...but, if one is searching for a "good spouse", that can be found anywhere.
I believe its the restrictions on culture and the mindset of most Nigerians that make is an issue as to where the best Fish lies...lol
I think a lot of people realise the challenges that already exist when you marry someone from your own culture (this can even be further illustrated when you look at inter-tribal marriages - Yoruba/Igbo, Hausa/Efik etc), given that you are from different backgrounds etc. Marrying from another culture/religion can add further stress if both people are not willing to work at it.
ReplyDeleteSo I can understand why people would prefer to marry someone from their own culture. I don't share that point of view, but I can understand it.
If one has made up his/her mind to marry a Nigerian, then you have the option of looking for one where you are, and depending on where you are, this could be a deep or shallow pool. Also, if you are already somewhat advanced in age, then it makes it even more difficult to find someone that's single (and doesn't have issues, or at least more issues than you have, given that you are single!).
Nigeria just presents a bigger pool. For the more "traditional man" it offers an opportunity to find a spouse who may be more "subservient" as a career woman in the developed world may appear more "threatening".
Each to their own.
hmmmm.
ReplyDeleteLDP made a very important points and as someone who is currently in a LDR with a guy who hasn't been home in forever all i can say is;where a person grew up or lives doesn't guarantee their rightfulness for marriage.
We started out as friends and we never even expected that it would develop into something so serious.
There are good young men and women out there no matter where you are.
http://lifethroughomaseyes.blogspot.com
wow! I was thinking the same thing too why people do that...I think the good ones are there, maybe that's why all the men go home to find wives.lol
ReplyDeleteMost people believe that westernization has messed up the minds of the women in the UK or US... so they tend to come back home where the women are more 'tame' and still believe in waiting on their husbands...
ReplyDeleteI dont know how well that works out though
I feel like I'm so wrapped up in my ways because I didn't even know that people did this! Lol. I guess the US is technically my "home country" so I wouldn't look elsewhere for a husband, but I always thought that people usually came to the states with a partner and then sent for them later on. That's what my grandparents did when they were carrying out a long distance relationship.
ReplyDeleteI just don't think it's the best idea to go back home solely for the purpose of finding someone to marry on short notice.
I think people just limit themselves with what they look for in partners and just end up settling! It should first and foremost be about the person. Coming from a certain country or race does not automatically make someone a better person. My 2 cents!
ReplyDeleteLove the topic BTW,
LOla
I hadn't thought of it that way before - being the child of immigrants, I always thought that I wouldn't be able to relate to anyone who hadn't grown up with both cultures, as I had...
ReplyDeletePerhaps it has something to do with having access to a much wider pool of people with the same culture.
ReplyDeleteMyne,in as much as I understand the point you are trying to make, I will simply say different reasons apply to different people who do this, besides it works for some people that way so we cant totally rule this habit out as a no no....
ReplyDeleteMy only prayer for all is that either in diaspora or here in Naija, those in search will find TRUE AND REAL LOVE!!!
your post always makes a good read!!! weldone, as always!!!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeletefirst, I won't do long-distance over oceans and seas haba! especially in the foundation of the relationship. We are supposed to be learning about how compatible we both re to each other... but this is just me.... there are guys here in my city who go back home to get married and bring their wives here.. for most of it I personally can't say if they have a healthy relationship... I just know what won't work for me
ReplyDeleteInteresting discussion. I assume it's easier dating/marrying someone near you, but with all the modern advances in communication we have now, you can never tell who will make your heart strings beat. Arranged marriages in the 21st century? Who still does that?
ReplyDeleteHi Myne! First, I wanted to give you ((hugs)) re: your gay-rights post. You are a very thoughtful and well-spoken person; I'm sure you handled yourself with class and I bet your comments will find purchase somewhere.
ReplyDeleteAs for the traveling to find your mate . . .
I do think there could be advantages, possibly including: same religion, same cultural background/expectations, common parental practices, extended family living in the same place(ish).
I've known people who've done that and, in my opinion, they are no more happier (and perhaps less so) than those who broke free of their cultural barriers (or whatever) and married someone who was in their life.
So *shrug* I don't know! I will say, having married a man from a different country, that it's been extremely hard to get home to see MY family because they live so so far away--if we were both from there, I'm sure I'd make it home more often. I do miss my family.
this is such an interesting topic as recently, when i travelled to Ghana i attended an engagement of my very good friend.
ReplyDeleteSHe lives her and her soon to be husband is a doctor in Ghana.
the girl is friends with the guys older cousin who lives here and when the guy was looking for a wife, recommended my friend to him. I am very close to the woman myself.
Though my friend is so inlove with the guy and i don't think that he married her so she can bring him here because he's been here for holidays alot of times and he got his own money so he is well.
but i do think the relationship is wierd. i heard of how the guy was before now so i find hard to believe he will stay faithful.
I myself I would never think of planning to go Ghana to get a husband but if i do fall inlove with some whiles i'm there i will be very very careful before marrying them. some of them just want Papers lol.
x
Wheew, it takes a hella lotta scrolling down to find space to comment on here, it's almost like finding parking space (either come first or go to the back of the line, lol)
ReplyDeleteI honestly believe that God placed people wherever they currently are and if he has a wife in store for you she will be close to you. If she was in Nigeria and you are in London God wouldn't have placed you so far away from each other.
#okbye
Thank God someone finally brought this topic up. As for me, I think majority of people living abroad would prefer going back home to pick a spouse because they believe that the culture and upbringing of people in Nigeria are much more better and "appropriate" for the "spouse for an individual overseas" role while those overseas tend to be ITK and too buchie, in the sense that they haven't experience two sides of life (Nigeria + Overseas). They may think that they are used to the easy life overseas and want someone who understand and appreciates more.
ReplyDeleteWe Nigerians have the mentality that people abroad are not as good as people back home because they might be after something e.g money, papers etc.
Some people are like that but some people are genuine (but they are the scarce ones). Also people back home are looking for ways to escape so some of them are equally looking for a bridge to greener pastures while some are genuine. So its 50/50. As per parents/family members picking a wife or husband for someone, that is no no...To be honest you can find a spouse anywhere and if you do insist on going home in search for the "Hibiscus" flower, you better do that undercover and not reveal your status. LOL!
Well,iThink its a personal thing or view....and iRespect peoples view on that,because the believe is that when you get back home,your parents will get you an ideal 'Spouse' that suits you and them too...sometimes it actually works out fine and everybody is happy...other times it turns out to be disastrous and a very bitter experience,especially when you realize u have different points of view about life and you just don't seem to agree on anything...personally,iThink you can marry from anywhere and where ever you are as long as you have the same views about live,and love+respect each other...that's all that matters....but then again,we are africans/Nigerians and tradition plays a large role in so many peoples lives,no matter how educated or exposed they seem to be....!Well,iThink its a personal thing or view....and iRespect peoples view on that,because the believe is that when you get back home,your parents will get you an ideal 'Spouse' that suits you and them too...sometimes it actually works out fine and everybody is happy...other times it turns out to be disastrous and a very bitter experience,especially when you realize u have different points of view about life and you just don't seem to agree on anything...personally,iThink you can marry from anywhere and where ever you are as long as you have the same views about live,and love+respect each other...that's all that matters....but then again,we are africans/Nigerians and tradition plays a large role in so many peoples lives,no matter how educated or exposed they seem to be....!
ReplyDeleteIt happens quite a lot in SA where a man will go home for a wife. I think its more about maintanance of a patriarchal system. my husbands cousin also went home in 2002 to marry a woman his mom had chosen. as we speak she is the most miserable person under the sun. I think the women want to get married to a man from abroad for stature and all sorts of things and then are often disappointed by the man and circumstance because when the men come home they don't always paint a true picture about their lives away. they just want a woman who will know her place and have children for him to satisfy family pressure while he can continue with his other "single life". Not all of them end up being miserable as one woman i met had a wonderful life because her arrangement was with a very kind, goodhearted man (her words). However for the most part, they are jys there to keep house. I once asked my hubby why his brithers/friends never go out with their friends. H4e said because none of them live clean lives, they never know who they'll bump into in a club or hangout or restaurant. So the man continues his philandering ways while the wife sits at home raising the kids and looks after him. I believe many also get physically abused, I suppose its easy being a victim when you're so far away from home. When my best friend complained of emotional neglect because her longterm igbo boyfriend doesn't say sweet words enough he said:my friend go to all this my friend wives and ask what is abuse, you have it good. LOL we had such a laugh over this because i remembered how i complained to my igbo hubby about him not giving me flowers, he said: " if i plant a whole garden for you show you i love you and you leave me alone so I never have to do another thing to show you i love you?" LOL anyway I digress. This is an interesting topic.
ReplyDeleteI cannot believe I read all the comments.. chia my eyes/thoughts over-processed....
ReplyDeleteAs for me thank God am open-minded and more about mindset ( i think differently, hence I will act differently, cant justify/speculate about people actions for going back home but it whatever they chose... Above all, God is in charge sooooooooooooooooooooo...
But left to me I am not man hungry so I wont be flying nowhere becos there are supposedly fishes in the sea so I might find a potential... abegi... Besides, i do not consider myself as the average girl hence, mind set will appeal to me more than anything.
I LECTURER AT U.I GOT A 4 YEAR SABITICAL IN FRANCE AND WENT TO OUR VILLAGE LOOKING FOR A WIFE TO QUICKLY MARRY. HE WAS TOLD TO GO TO MY FATHERS HOUSE COS "ALL HIS CHILDREN WENT TO UNIVERSITY"....HE SENT AN EMMISARY TO INVESTIGATE WHICH DAUGHTER WOULD SUIT HIM. NEXT THING I KNEW I WAS IN HIS SIGHTS....I REMEMBER I WAS SERVING IN ONITSHA THEN....THIS LECTURER TRACED ME TO THE NYSC QUATERS....I WAS SO DISGUSTED....AM NOT ONE TO PRETEND EITHER....SENT HIM ON HIS GOOD WAY...
ReplyDelete