So yesterday on my WIP, we read about Dunni being an intelligent, high earning women. In her experience, men resent such women, and next week, you'll be reading further details.There have also been recent commentary in the media on this topic. Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker was reported on the Huffington Post as saying;
"[Men] like [smart women] after marriage. They don't like them before they are married. You got to dumb it down a little because men are not that bright."Amara, a Nigerian columnist for PM News wrote in an article titled "Reasons you're not married";
Another reason is that with your good job and salary, they [men] are even afraid to come near you as they wouldn’t want to be turned down.Personally, I'll like to believe I match those specs. I worked and earned good money before I got married. I did not dumb down or anything, but it did take time to find THE ONE. My dating was very sparse both while working in Nigeria and in the UK before I met Atala. But of course, I know that intelligence and earning power are not the only determinants of attraction or relationships. There are several other factors.
What is your own view? Have you experienced this or someone you know? If you're a guy, does it even matter? Let's discuss.
I think there are men that can't handle their spouse or significant other making more money than they.
ReplyDeleteI know of someone personally. He actually went back to school to get an higher degree just because his wife was making more money. It did not cause any bad fiction, he handled it and she did too. I think this was because of their christian faith. I know one lady that made more and she would make purchases for items such as car, house, and other more expensive things without consulting her husband. the car, he had promise to help her buy one, but soon as she could afford it she went our and bought it herself. the house, yes they had discussed it and even went out to look, he was staying within his means, instead of discussing this with him, she put down for a house she knew he was uncomfortable with and stated that he needs to learn to live with the fact that she makes more. I strongly believe her approach was WRONG in handling the situations.
Hold up, this generation seems to think it does not matter much. him or her. as long as they get what is needed. this question came about in my mentor group about three years ago. the majority of the 32 co-ed group agreed where as the others felt it would take some adjusting to it. the young men said as long as the girl dont flaunt the fact around. (a man thang)
i don't believe anyone should dumb anything down. that is deceit and you would be deceiving your poor, dull husband.
ReplyDeleteWhy anyone would want to marry someone intimidated by them, or someone not dumb enough to understand them is beyond me.
I am 25, i graduated at 20, i bought my first car at 22, i became a chartered accountant at 23, i won some of the institute's prize along the way.
The testimonies in my life are numerous cuz God has been exceptionally good to me.
I am not proud, i know i am humble, loving and caring. i want to have a happy home, be submissive and all that.
would all men understand it???
No.
I walked away from a 6 years relationship because of this. Some men would want to drag you down and punish you because of their insecurities.
Such men are not worth being your husband.
I am 4 months away from marrying a man, that understands me and supports me and cheers me.
Summary of my long epistle
BE YOU!
A man that is not confident about himself with always be intimidated by 'the lady' whether she earns more or not.
ReplyDeleteBe that as it is, there exist (& in abundance) men who will not attempt (or dare to dream) of being in relationship with a lady that has no (career) goals & advancement.
i am not in agreement with that philosophy. I actually think men marry "up", a real smart man i think will want to marry a woman that is as smart or even smarter than him, b'cuz behind every successful man there is a smart woman behind it. better believe! lol
ReplyDeletethat philosophy is just an excuse, if he is truly into you, your smartness will be a big plus to him.
btw Myne pls did u get my email? i left it on the contact form as I couldnt find your email. thanks
oh and i forgot to mention - you have been tagged on my blog..pls check it out
ReplyDeleteLike everyone b4 me has said...I'm for sticking to who you are, no sense pretending to be someone else just to get hooked.
ReplyDeleteAfter the pretence, what next? What makes you think he would still love you when you begin to show your true self? or do you plan to pretend forever???
Each to his own, let every man marry who they can live with, there are men on both sides of the margin
I think Patti Stinger is a bit correct...not about men not being bright lol, but about most preferring their women dumbed down. I'd also venture to say that being a high earner isn't as much a problem as not being mild mannered and errrr submissive. like if you earn more but hand in your salary like a dutiful wife to the head of the home..i dont think any man will agree. He might just resign from his job and manage yours (evil chuckle).
ReplyDeleteI dont think any man will argue with that I mean.
ReplyDeleteDoll's testimony has me cheering. you go girl!
in my opinion, the money factor for a woman is a good thing. Helps eliminate the useless, cowardly, candidates (I mean suitors)
ReplyDeleteMost Nigerian men have the mentality that independent, working class women are not submissive and that is why women who earn more than their partners are resented.
ReplyDeleteAfter i graduated from school, i got a job, bought a car, was promoted and was given an official car and an apartment. Right now i am single but none of my break-ups was due to the fact that i earned more.
Some people still tell me now that i will be chasing potential husbands away because i live alone and have a car, infact i have been told not to drive weekends, that i should use public transport whenever i have to attend any function because that is the easiest way to be sighted by a man.
Bottom line: If u are submissive woman and you earn more than your partner and he still has a problem with it, he is definitely not for you. God will not give us a partner who will be intimidated by our success
@ doll: u are very much on point!
Hmmmm,Personally i had a good job and my own money before i got married but the hubby has more money so i didn't need to "dumb" down.
ReplyDeleteAnd now, there are a couple of things around the house i look away from and expect him to do even if i can afford it.I kind of think it'll help him feel better and the whole ego thing and it's not like i compain about having extra cash anyway
In answer to your question,i don't know if i'll say "resent" but i don't think they'll feel the same way towards a woman who has less money
an example is my high flying single neighbour,she claims her mum advised her to sell her car and try to be "humble" and all that so men wont run(am sure y'all have heard this kinda story before) but she did and really and truly..her colleague who used to think she was high up there and couldn't be approached is who she's getting married to in Decemeber God willing and guess what???he allows her drive his car and he just generally finds his way now
am more than sure she can afford a car on her own but am sure the guy will feel proud of himself he is sacrificing all dat for her and everyone is happy
and like d saying goes,a successful man is d man who can make more money that his wife can spend and a successful woman is d woman who can find that man!!!
Hello Myne,thanks for checking one me always always.loads of luv !!
Ideally, a man should feel comfortable in his skin, regardless of what the woman is. But in the real world, the sad truth is that most men (African especially) are easily intimidated by smart women. I watch the Millionaire's matchmaker as well, and even as a woman, I get it when she tells her candidates to tone down the testtorone. It's a culture thing for African especially: women are expected to be 'the weaker vessel" and if they appear to have the 'do-it-all' attitude, then it's a turn off for the guy. But I'm hoping that with more enlightment, this idea changes.
ReplyDeleteOk. Now i am going to look at it from 2 angles.
ReplyDeletei have been a very independent person. i got a place of my own in lagos, amidst protests from family members who said that was a huge fence i was building that will chase away any suitors. i got the house more out of neccesity than anything else. i reasoned that any man who didnt understand that i needed to do what i did was not worth it. i didnt get a car but i dont think it had anything to do with not finding a husband. now i am married to someone who loves the fact that i am an independent person all round but as a man he sometimes would want for me to tone down and rest on him (guess it gives them some form of confidence and boosts their ego)
That being said, i have a friend who works in a bank, is very very rich (made a lot of cash in the stock markets b4 it went downwards) she is building a house in her father's compound and drives a big car. Needless to say that she didnt get one single marriage proposal(she is nearing the end of her 30-ish years). 3 of her younger sisters got married and she remained 'aunty' to her nieces and nephews. now an interesting thing has happened. in march this year, she took her car to the east where she left it for her dad. since then she has been hopping around in buses. she moved from her duplex into a 2 bedroom flat. generally toning it down. i just got a call from a mutual friend 2 weeks ago telling me she is getting married in November! so go figure.
I think, men in general want to be depended on (maybe not all the time but to at least show them that u NEED to lean on them) Its a man thing. i am not a man but i have gotten that vibe from them in all my years of dealings with them.
That dosent say that woman should go outrightly dumb or something. she should just not do stuff that will make men feel she dosent need them
HUMILITY is the bottomline!
Great post Myne!!! Just did a blog post on you as well!!!! Check out my blog! ;-) Loved your book!!! I want more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteLola x
The issue of earning power of smartness won't be much of a trouble if the woman is humble and submissive. Before marriage, it is not difficult to know a woman who lacks humility. While it is often inherent of women who are smart and have high earning power to want to raise their shoulders a little, the spirit of God [and His word] is there to help control children of God. But for those who are not children of God, Me, I don't know o...
ReplyDelete- LDP
Thank you all so much for the great comments. What an eye-opener, even for me!
ReplyDelete@Lola, coming over to check it out.
For the longest I denied this question as truth. But now, now that I've experienced such drama in a relationship I am certain there are women who have a problem with the man generating more income.
ReplyDeleteWhich is almost scary considering how it means he shoulders a good majority of all financial obligations.
In my case, it was more of her being jealous of how other women perceived me.
I've never dated a woman who made more than myself, but I would love the opportunity. And I cannot see myself being jealous of her good thing.
Enjoyed the read and comments.
It all depends on levels of security, insecurity and the nature of the ongoing relationship. The important thing is to maintain sincere understanding, respect and appreciation for each other, and a lot of things will fall in place. There are, after all, many lovers/spouses who are not "friends"! This is 2011; women are increasingly occupying positions of power and receiving much higher earnings than their predecessors. In my home, my wife and I have gone through different phases where she has earned more than me and vice versa, notwithstanding the great efforts both of us put into finding the perfect job. This has never been a source of conflict for us. Today, she earns higher than me and my ego is not at all wounded. I am very happy for her. Tomorrow, the tables may turn.
ReplyDeleteWow Don, that's a new perspective that I never thought of. Hmm...
ReplyDeleteTrue word Uko. I totally agree with you.
I was just having this conversation with family members. My father-in-law, in particular, stated that it is unfortunately the mentality of many Nigerian men or their fathers today. Girl living in an apartment alone + good job=unsavory lifestyle or arrogance. He stated that he does not agree with that view, but it is prevalent in Nigeria especially among the older generation of men.
ReplyDeleteMy view is simple: any man who is confident in his own plans, abilities and ambitions will realize that his wife's success is his as well. It's so obvious: more combined household income is less financial stress. I guess the problem lies when a woman throws it in the man's face, but it's an issue both ways as there are men who disrespect their wives because they are in positions of power.
Bottomline? Husband + Wife=WE! So they both win :)
I was just having this conversation with family members. My father-in-law, in particular, stated that it is unfortunately the mentality of many Nigerian men or their fathers today. Girl living in an apartment alone + good job=unsavory lifestyle or arrogance. He stated that he does not agree with that view, but it is prevalent in Nigeria especially among the older generation of men.
ReplyDeleteMy view is simple: any man who is confident in his own plans, abilities and ambitions will realize that his wife's success is his as well. It's so obvious: more combined household income is less financial stress. I guess the problem lies when a woman throws it in the man's face, but it's an issue both ways as there are men who disrespect their wives because they are in positions of power.
Bottomline? Husband + Wife=WE! So they both win :)
I know there r alot of men who can't stand that their wives earn more than them. But I also know there alot of guys who don't mind as well. I have an uncle who've wife earned alot more than him for the longest time. And they didn't have an issue. Today he earns better. I think in marriage we should remove the its my money or life n live the "it's our money n our life. Well God dey.
ReplyDeleteWww.secretlilies.blogspot.com