Sometime in June, Fred Igbeare, the editor of Cloudblazer News [a website that syndicates some of my articles] sent me a note asking, "Could you do a blog on 'Rihanna: Why Abused Women Go Back'? Considering reports she and Chris Brown are sneaking back together again.... and given also the brutal brawl over her between Brown and Drake... Would love to read your thoughts on the issue."
I decided not to write the article then because that was around the same time I wrote about domestic violence and why abused women should put some space between them and their abuser. But since the interview Rihanna had with Orah aired last night, so many questions came to my mind that I wanted to discuss.
Rihanna said she had forgiven Chris Brown and that she still loves him. She called him her true love, and said she was worried after pictures of her beat-up face appeared, not wanting people to consider him a monster, but to realize he also needed help.
She explained how it took forgiving and reconciling with her father, who had abused her mother, to see her relationship with her ex-boyfriend with new eyes. She was then able to not only forgive him, but also accept her continuing love for him. Oprah said she was shocked to hear that, and I was surprised too.
Thinking about it though, I don't know them, I don't know their story. She may have some other details she's not sharing that means what she's saying makes sense to her. Otherwise, how can she say, “We built up a trust again. And that’s it. We love each other and we probably always will.”
This brings to mind the whole "Stockholm's Syndrome", a scenario where hostages express empathy and have positive feelings towards their captors, and it’s almost impossible not to see classic signs of that in Rihanna’s words. She sounds like a victim of abuse who refuses to blame her abuser and instead, shoulders some of the blame herself. On this blog, I have discussed some victims who lived with their abusive husbands until they died.
On the other hand, I had to respect Rihanna's eloquence and grasp of herself. Taken in a different way, her words could be the expression of a big heart, and a clue that she can forgive and forget, an admirable quality in anyone, and especially in relationships.
What is your take? Do you think Rihanna forgiving Chris Brown is a sign of strength of character, or is she just an unhealed victim of an abusive relationship?
I think that Rihanna has a forgiving heart, and also that the feeling in her did not run it's course. It wasn't allowed to die naturally.
ReplyDeleteThe abuse by Chris Brown happened at a time when she was not even contemplating ending the relationship. Everything happened too quickly and too sudden. Switching just like that is not easy for her. The human mind is not like a computer that one can just click on delete, and get everything automatically erased. For us humans, it has to be gradual.
The moment Rihanna finds someone who can treat her better than Chris did before the fight, she will begin to forget him. May be she needs professional help too.
I thought of this too. The whole public revelation kind of cut short the natural flow of the relationship, and maybe if not for it, her eyes would have opened on her own.
DeleteThat's an interesting angle to it, Myne.
Deletei think she is just confused. maybe its seeing him in a seemingly happy relationship that makes her feel like she has to have him back. they probably wont be so happy if they do re-unite. anyway,we cant say until shes had another chance with him.
ReplyDeleteYou have a point there Onyinye. It could be jealousy...
DeleteWell, what will be will be. They're both still young, and who knows what will happen in their future?
DeleteI can understand where she is coming from with forgiving her abuser given her family history i also think her age and the fact that she says he was her first love have a lot to do with it. Most people hardly ever forget their first love you may have moved on married had kids twenty years down the line but the mention of your first love or seeing them again brings a warm feeling with it. I say this because the person i consider my first love did me a lot of wrong and though we live continents apart and hardly talk i still think of him fondly but have no burning desire to get back together with him. I am sure with time and maturity and a couple of relationships later she may be finally able to let go of him completely. She may need some help with that though and i hope she seeks it before she goes all psycho and sabotages his current and future relationships it happens. I personally do not think those two should be talking at all at this time whether as friends or artistes or whatever she needs to get him completely out of her system and meeting up with him every now and then does not help and that is why she will always keep hope alive for a reconciliation as long as they are in contact.
ReplyDeleteTheir ages are definitely a factor, and the first love syndrome. She stated in the interview that she can be egoistic, and that makes me wonder if she did get therapy for all the things that happened.
DeleteI have nominated you for the very inspiring blogger award, please go on my blog to do the necessary :-) xxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you! I will check it out.
DeleteI do not condone domestic abuse and any woman who finds herself in such a relationship should run for her life, health, sanity and safety. Having said that, it is very possible for her to still love her abuser especially if he was her first love and particularly if there is no one to take his place in her heart.
ReplyDeleteA number of people were physically abused by their parents or siblings in the name of "discipline" but they still love them regardless. At the end of the day, it would either be love them or hate them, I will rather love but not put myself in a precarious or vulnerable situation because of it. Life is too short and most times we just need to keep it moving.
Forgiveness is a virtue, and the ability to easily let go. I admired her for it, but I hope she has found healing for herself too.
DeleteYou know, with all her tears I find it hard to believe she has found healing. That is essential and in most cases overlooked. Sometimes we think we have healed but the wounds are merely covered up and with a little scratching they start to bleed. This is most times revealed in future relationships. Guilty!!!
DeleteI think you hit right on it Tiyan. I don't believe that she has healed and beyond that, got the help that she needs to deal with her own issues. It's great that she's so concerned about Chris Brown needing help but how about help for herself? I'm not surprised to hear about her family background because when the incident happened my initial thought was that both of them must have had some violence in their backgrounds which is what attracted them to each other. I remember that before the beating, the media reports about them were that she had a fiery temper and they were both spoilt brats which i thought at the time was a horrible combination. The way i saw it, their relationship was a train wreck waiting to happen though i never imagined that things would end up with her being assaulted.
DeleteThe thing that attracted her to such a guy to begin with is still in her unless she gets constructive help to grow past it. I know you can't tell just from a public image but from what i have seen of her in the press she's still at the cry for help stage. They both need help and i'm not convinced that they are getting it.
I only read about the interview with Oprah today, and I don't know why but I felt really really sad for her. I hope she finds someone else who can be the man she needs, not the one she wants.
ReplyDeleteYou know life is complicated feelings of the heart most certainly is very complicated.The lack of closure, the whole thing playing out in the public eye with everyone having an opinion and advise,the very young age of the two of, the first love factor are all contributing to this.
ReplyDeletePersonally I admire Rhianna's courage to come out and speak clearly and honestly about exactly how and what she is feeling damning all consequences,cos living in the public eye its very easy to live your life trying the way the public wants you to rather doing what gives you peace of mind(certainly one of the reasons for high suicide rates )but like she said she cant tell ppl how to feel about all this she is only stating the way she feels and i also admire the fact that despite the fact that Oprah was almost willing her to say she had moved on she remained adamant cos truth is nobody can tell you the way you feel.
She most definitely is not over Chris but she will heal in time some ppl take a min to fall in and out of love(Kim K no hating) others take years others dont.
I might sound weird... but Chris Brown got help, right? and maybe that's what gave her hope, hope that he has changed.. Love is a funny thing, to each couple a unique experience... and they make decisions based on those experiences... I hope he has truly changed
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts: There is nothing wrong with forgiving him. But the need for forgiveness should not be confused with love. Rihanna should also remember that love is a two-sided plate. From what we can see so far, it would appear that she's the one that hasn't moved on. I don't think Chris wants back. His ego was hurt following the public furore after the event and I think he'll always put him and his career first. Chris Brown loves Chris Brown. Rihanna should take her grandma's advice. Always go for a man who loves you more. If a man loves you, he'll never lay a hand on you and then diss you time and time again like Chris has done. She's on a self destructive mission with this first love thang. One can only hope in time that she would not look back with regret on precious time wasted when she could have got on with her life. I think the lack of maturity is also a factor in her colouring of experiences and emotions.
ReplyDeleteHopefully she would come to see with time that Chris Brown is old news where she is concerned and life is for living!
I have no psycho-babble
ReplyDeleteI just know that he will beat her again
cos he hasn't dealt with issues and those issue
don't go away in seconds, or months or years
he doesn't even realize he has a problem
whatever, its her life
That is not forgiveness but stupidity
when it comes to abuse, you forgive and keep
your distance.
@Tisha, why will u say that? CB hasn't beaten his current gf has he??? U r being fair, i'd say.
ReplyDeleteThat said, nobody really knows what goes on or went on in a relationship than d pple involved. Some bad relationships turn good, some good ones turn bad, and smtimes u can't tell 4rm outside which will do what.
Personally, if they decide to get back together, I feel it shld definitely be after CB's probation period. If am CB, i'd want to wait till then. Abeg, cos if he as much as upsets/annoy her and she calls d cops, he's going to jail straight!
Does Rihanna need therapy, sure thing. Is CB a monster pple insist on making him out to be, probably not. Pple say CB hasn't changed, well gee I don't see many pple interested in a changed CB. They just want him gone! Well, he's fighting and as he shld. And who says CB dissed Rihanna? D same media out to destroy CB? Well, itz not working. dat boy has d most loyal fans i've ever seen, am impressed.
Besides, the assault happened 3 years ago! 3 years ago for crying out loud!!!! What wld u feel if u r being held 2 d same spot by smthing u did 3 years ago, smthing u haven't done again since then? My God, even first offenders get lenient charges thrown @ them than repeat offenders, but somehow 4 dis young man pple want him buried forever and ever. I don't know abt any of u, but I wasn't perfect. And maybe cos i've done sm pretty stupid things I loathe 2 remember much less reminded of, i'm sympathetic 2wuds dis duo. Shit happened to practically teenagers (a majority who makes very stupid mistakes) and we want dem forever crucified. It baffles me really.
ReplyDeleteUgo, I get you. I certainly don't want either of them crucified. They weren't really in my radar when all that happened, but I have to confess my respect for Rihanna after watching the interview. I can't help but wish her all the best.
DeleteI was looking forward to this interview but I missed it somehow. Gotta find it. I really didnt care much for Rihanna before the whole Chris Brown beat up thing. began to fel sorry for her everytime I saw her. She probably provoked him and being the idiot that he is he took the bait and lost control. I think in a way she is trying to make sense of the whole thing.One minute she was high on ov and the next minute reality brought her down. After all this is someone she is in love with. She needs to come to terms with it herself but the whole world is weighing in on it and that must be difficult
ReplyDeleteYeah, I think she should stay the heck away from him, romance-wise. Maybe she can forgive him, but I'd hope he has actually got help to show that he knows he has a problem. Otherwise it will only happen again.
ReplyDeleteEither way, I don't know how you could go back after being treated like that, if you were in your right mind and had sufficient self-worth.
That said, I didn't see her Oprah interview.
What would you do if your son abuses his girlfriend/wife? Would you dump him or would you help him get help?
ReplyDeleteAnd what is going on with Chris Brown new tatto that looks like Riahna
ReplyDelete