Hi Myne, I am one of your readers. I am in my early 30s and still a virgin yes, you read me right and i live and work in 9ja. I am pretty and blessed with youthful looks and most people never believe i am older than 26. Now the issue is, it has been a bit challenging for me to have a proper relationship cos most of the guys i meet want sex.
Sex is out of the question for me cos of my christian faith but even some christian brothers don't wanna be hearing that. i haven't said to any of them i am a virgin because i don't want someone wanting to be with me for the wrong reasons and 9ja peeps don't believe people like us exist anywhere around this country.
Sex has been a big issue with the guys who come around me, cos it comes up all the time, some of them just disappear when they hear there will be no sex without even trying to find out more about this person and the ones who want to stay around when i make clear my stance on sex, i do not feel attracted to.
I need to know what to do, i am at that point where i am craving genuine love, and sex outside of marriage is NO alternative for me. I am of the ibo tribe and i have some married younger sisters, you can imagine how that can be. My mother understands me and is not pressurizing me to get married as most parents do but i just want true love, irrespective of my beliefs on when sex should be. What can i do?
I am expectant please. Thanks. B
___________
When I first received this email, I replied directing her to some of the other posts on which we have discussed Christianity and abstinence, sex for mature singles, and waiting till you get married for sex. She however made it clear that she has chosen celibacy and her issue is not with sex, or discussing it with prospective suitors. For her, the main question is;
how do i get me true love in the midst of a generation so controlled by sex, especially as i am celibate?
Personally, I believe there is someone for each of us no matter our quirks. There are celibate men out there - who believe in abstinence before marriage - and one can find them in the right circles. The writer mentioned that she did meet some men who agreed to be celibate with her, and I think that's a starting point.
First of all, to find love, you have to know yourself and the kind of man you want? What qualities do you cherish, and what are the deal breakers? Also, where do you meet the people in your social circle? If one does not see a lot of the kind of men they want in the places they currently hang out, they may need to extend their social activities.
What other tips would you guys suggest?
Nice one there Mye,I love the warm and straight to the point answer,well done!
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat with this sister though I'm younger.
I am 28 n I live in the EU!I had been in a long year n distant relationship before now I have been out of that relationship for 2 years now and moving on to next stage is strange for me.
Actually for me is meeting people(I always think will the next person be like my ex. then I don't go out (don't mix).I am longing for a real relationship too with someone very special but mostly someone who God wants for me but how will I do it when I still have these scores to settle?Advice me too pls!
well i am 33,single and decent and i would wish to meet the Above lady for for a private talk.paul
DeleteWell, Paul and Anonymous, you can contact myne@mymewhitman.com if you wish to be connected.
Delete@Anonymous, I don't really get you, please send me a more comprehensive email to see what I can suggest.
I wish I could reply directly to here Myne, I hope she reads this.
ReplyDeleteI am in my early 30 and not a Virgin. A year ago I made up my mind to be celibate. Yes, some men will run when they know they would get into your knickers but their are some that will stay. There is a man in my life who is ready to wait until marriage (although i dont want to marry him) and what he has given me is more than all the Nigerian men (who i have slept with) have given me combined. So its not impossible to find someone genuine. She shouldnt compromise her faith one bit for sex or a relationship.After sex, the thrill of the chase wanes. It is a true test of her faith. Something good will come out of it in the end. She should hang in there.
She will be amazed at who she will eventually end up with.
I wonder why you don't want to marry this new guy if you think he is so great. Just like the writer of this mail, sometimes it's like those that like us, we don't like them back, at least not as much as they like us.
DeleteLol, Myne...I am not sure that you have "liked back" everyone who ever "liked" you ... or have you? Maybe the question can be, how do we get to appreciate those who "like" us? There were reasons why i turned away from those who wanted to be with me even when i said no sex, one of such reasons was laziness. one particular brother was sooo lazy, that he literally expected God to come down from heaven and help him solve his problems. I believe in miracles, I also believe we have a part to play in making those miracles come to pass. We must be willing to move our feet (you get what i mean). I have never judged a man by the size of his bank account cos i know that as long as there is a will, a man can get to the heights of his dreams.
DeleteB
You're right, I know that like sometimes is not mutual, and as for the laziness, not a good look at all.
DeleteHi Anon, you called the guy a man in your life, so I believe you're dating (Besides you seem to be collecting "favours" from him) I'd like to ask why you'd be dating a man you know you won't marry at your age.
DeleteOk, I am past 27, male, dashing, accomplished and virgin. Tell her that she has need of patience after she has done the will of God, she shall obtain the promise. Tell her to know that genuine love is found by not despising people, anybody. The genuine love shared between two individuals is held only by people who can love ordinary people and their ordinary work. Tell her to enjoy everyday life and every day people and one day, she will find the sun shine like gold through the trees. Thanks. Nel
ReplyDeleteWow, that was really encouraging Nel.
DeleteThanks.
B.
i'm in d same boat as you only that i'm younger. i'm a graduate, working nw and it seems hard finding a man who wud want to stay witout sex.. coupled with d temptations dt come evryday and the pressure. i decided to be celibate too cos of my faith. but sumtyms, it gets hard. i need replies too. thank you
ReplyDeleteHave you tried online dating? The distance helps to maintain celibacy and you both can get to know each other better, personality wise before meeting up. Send an email for a more detailed reply. Cheers.
DeleteOnline dating! Smh. Sex before marriage is still obtaainable. Av been in a reltionship for 3 years now with a guy who believes in what I do. And if u choose celibacy, dont tell it does not include all them kisssing, petting etc! They are all forms of sex
Deletehmm celibacy is a good fin, but its a bit difficult to run cos most men dont believe in celibacy.. all i will say is pray hard and change yur social lyfestyle
ReplyDeleteChange social lifestyle to what please, Tony?
DeleteThanks.
B
it's feels so good to know a lot of ladies out there are still virgins like me,am 25 and am in the same boat i don't want any man to love my looks alone but the total package and without sex until marriage.pls we seriously need help.all the great guys have been taken either with pregnancy or crazy adventurous sex lives of ladies.
ReplyDeletelool... i cant laff.. its simply weird that most of the comments here is anonymous.
ReplyDeleteAside from that, I apologies if this is insensitive. but being troversial always, being a virgin is really a choice, pleasing God and I think its great if it is done with a renewed mind and other commandments too.
This generation is not controlled by sex, generations have always been controlled by sex. It is just that this generation are alot open about it, its more perverted and its openly practiced. In a nutshell, this generation as were our forefathers are not only controlled by "LUST & PLEASURE its greed, selfishness, covetousness, impulse, sexual immorality, impurity etc (see Gal 5:19)".
Back to your question, seeing that this generation is now exposed to all these, do you know think its fair to pray about the MAN of your choice to God pray not just ask. PRAYER IS about believing that he knows your heart desires and you have communicated them, so you leave it @ the alter with your worry. I think the man of your choice is out there but my dear, you will exercise massive dose of patience. WHY: he is work in progress. no its not every man you meet that should be given ATTENTION. i don't believe one has to to actively search for the dude, God will direct your foot to the right places to go and the right person will not miss you.
JUST to elaborate about christian bros". There is a clear difference between christians, and spirit filled Christians. So please dont be alarmed when christian bros are into sex.... it normal but its the ability to make your decision to keep that aspect for your future partner(with the help of the holy spirit/conviction).
Finally, not having sex is not the only quality one should look for in a man, what if he is a virgin and he is a woman beater? What if he is abstains from sex and he uses, disrespects people....?? What about that..
My point, try to think outside the box and dont follow the crowd, dont apply the methods of others. Pray for God to keep hubby wherever he is, cos you have one and God should work on u both. PERE. stop searching for answers, search within, in his word and his plan for u and you will find it there. xxxx
Back to the point, babes pls stop stressing(if u are)...
excuse any typos..xxx
I am Unveilinggold UG and I approve this message!!
DeleteMyne honestly I have nothing to add...
I second this too,you have said it all!
DeleteThanks Daughter of Her King and others who approved her post,
DeleteBut I think you are missing the point here, as I am the lady in question. I believe sex and celibacy is a choice, just like you guys do, and i also believe marrying a virgin IS NO guarantee of a happy home.
However, like Myne properly underlined, how does a girl (me)get to find true love without being apologetic for being a virgin (cos i am not apologetic in anyway). Remember, I am not waving a flag telling the whole world, "i am not doing sex, so i could be your dream girl", i don't even want my celibate state to be the reason why a guy wants me. All i have said is, its been tough cos most guys scamper at the slightest hint that there will be no sex in this relationship, and i don't blame them, if you ask me.
Anyway, from all you've said, i'll be sticking with the prayer part as i have always done.
Thanks for taking out time to respond.
B.
I agree with Nel - celibacy is a choice which requires a lot of strength and patience. Because you are effectively going right against the current grain of society, you will definitely meet with a lot of rejection, criticism and even ostracisation. That's just the world we live in unfortunately. But if you hold fast to your values, do not compromise, and just trust God to fix you up, then as Nel said, (I paraphrase) "whilst just living your life, you will surely find that one day "he" will find you".
ReplyDeleteBe patient, the wait will be worth it -for I daresay that a man who values your moral integrity, and is able to exercise self control over his passions, will make a far better husband (trustworthy, disciplined, responsible,self controlled,faithful etc) than the one who is not able to endure a 1 year relationship without sex.
As for me, I am a 28 year old celibate woman living in the UK. Trust me, the notion is as alien here as it is in Naij. I understand that, so I am extremely careful who I go on dates with because I do not want to waste their time or mine. But I've come too far to compromise on what I believe in, even if it means waiting that little bit longer, and going on far fewer dates than other females I know. I know that it will be more than worth it in the end.
So stay strong my dear. Be extremely selective with who you go on dates with or even open up to - because I've learned that not every man needs to know your business (even though being a V is something to be proud of). Know that most men WILL not settle for celibacy, but be patient and expectant because your Mr Right is out there, who will cherish and support your views. Pray and trust God to take care of things.
And please do come back to share your testimony when you're getting married/in a wonderful relationship :-)
Thank Beulah,
DeleteI will be sharing, most definitely.
B
i wish i can answer this well, the best answer i can give you is to ask you to talk to Amelia (princessofzion@rocketmail.com) she will really help you as she has done for me. God Bless you
ReplyDeleteCelibacy is not an easy thing to do but does exist. I have a male friend who has chosen to be celibate for some number of years now, its not been easy for him but he's trying I guess... he claims to be "burning" sometimes and all I do is to encourage him to hang in there.
ReplyDeleteso I think she should continue to hang in there and God will surely bring the right man her way who will love her unconditionally and genuinely... when the right man comes, he will be willing to wait with her until marriage.
God will not disappoint her...she should hold on just a little bit longer. Its well.
She should also be realistic that while he might wait with her, he might have a side chick...sorry...extremely cynical when it comes to situations like this...they generally do not turn out right.
ReplyDeleteUnless, she plans to marry the guy immediately...then no wahala but if not...she should prepare her mind very well.
There are men who aren't scared of the idea of dating a woman that is a virgin...if he really loves you then he will wait till the wedding night. My concerns are what will happen during that wait...I know some interesting stories but I will stop here.
Celibate men are probably the worse to date. I am talking from a personal experience. It was a sexless affair because I wanted to get to know what I was in for. After two weeks, I changed my mind and ranaway. He snapped on the phone one day and I knew if I were with him physically, he may have brutally wounded me.
ReplyDeleteHe was very possessive and years of loneliness had turned him into an 'animal'. Sorry to call him that, but he was emotionless when he snapped. Later, he got his tribal people to bug and bully me on daily basis. I went through hell.
I am single but not searching. I don tire although I know what I want in a man. I am married to my career for now and don't feel lonely at all. I have had my highs and lows. I have had the best of men but it did not lead to marriage. Life?
Dear Myne,
ReplyDeleteYou really should start a dating site! Lots of singles of both sexes read your blog. And if the 1st 2 people who commented eventually hook up, that'll be a testimony to your blog.
It's been ages since I left a comment here. Glad to be back.
DrLily
Im considrably younger than all them othr people.. im 22, also a "no sex to marriage girl". That celibacy issue is a big deal too. In fact, it has chased me from reltnships. Many guys say they are okay with it, but in tyhe real sense, they are hoping that after a while,they l be able to change your mind.. the celibate guys,oh well, they are scary o.. mean,uncaring and all.. to even think about marriag eh... Thats some scary shiii.
ReplyDeleteBeing a virgin is really a choice, pleasing God and I think its great if it is done with a renewed mind and other commandments too.
ReplyDeleteI pray that God will bring the right partner for you and all the single's serching for their true soul-mate. I'm really proud of all you single virgins out there, among this modernity where sex is regarded as normal trend unfortunately.
To everything, there is a time and season. I will tell B to be patient, trust God and not lose heart. I love Habakuk 2:3 when it comes to discussions like this, "This vision is for a future time. It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled. If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed" I particularly love how the NLT puts it is why I quoted it here. I hope this speaks to B. Virgin or no virgin; if you are a child of God, wait on Him. He's got a plan - Jeremiah 29:11.
ReplyDelete- LDP
I totally,completely agree with you! B,I think what Samuel wrote is kinda the "best-est' advice here for you. Keep praying and meditating on those bible verses he mentioned...God will definitely prove Himself to you.
DeleteI think this lovely lady should wait. There is always a Boaz for every Ruth, I think its a privilege and a blessing to be celibate and a virgin irrespective of what people say. it is a rare ish nowadays. I am 22 and proud.
ReplyDeleteI'm 33 and also a virgin. For me it's a conscious decision, not a juvenile decision at that. There are several reasons for my decision. I don't think myself special; I don't think it makes me any more moral than a single friend who is not a virgin. I certainly do not expect my husband to be a virgin neither would I appreciate being proposed to just on the basis of my virgin status. There are non-virgins who would make better wives than I could be.
ReplyDeleteI understand the plight of the writer but I really don't have that experience of every man wanting sex. True, lots of men want that but there are lots of men, you would be surprised, who value the other joys of a relationship more than the sexual thrills. Christian bros - I don't expect much from labels until I see the content. Not all who profess to be something are really like that.
Since your decision to abstain from pre-marital sex is based on your faith, that faith is what you should also turn to. God can provide you the best person for you. Let those that want sex leave, they won’t be good husbands for you anyways.
I am a 35 year old woman and a virgin. I have never dated a man who has been a virgin, although the 4-5 boyfriends I've had in my life have usually been quite loving and understanding--though they tend to get frustrated after a while and it has played a role in a couple of break-ups. I have also felt that because of their own experiences they have pushed me into going further physically than I had intended to go. I can understand the desire. I have it too--this waiting thing is very difficult. I have had Christian men, whom I imagine want to be celibate, interested in me, but I have not found them interesting. It's frustrating, I, like you, am committed to staying celibate/a virgin till married. My major issues have not been in finding men who do not respect that but in finding men who also match up to my other priorities, primarily being committed Christians and INTERESTING. The men I've met seem to be one or the other. :-P
ReplyDeleteIm very much in the shoes of the writer. I'm 28 and I'm still a virgin with no apologies or any intention of giving in. All I want is a man I love who loves me back. Had been on this waiting room for some time now and along comes this so called christian brother, to my surprise he wanted the sex more than the few guys I have dated in the past. When I wasn't giving in he asked if I was a virgin, when I said yes he looked so dissapointed in me and he stopped calling, I thought it was a joke and I stopped calling too to find out if he was serious and he did not even come back. When I see him in church he will just pretend as if he didnt see me. I was so disturbed then but my own advice is that you ask God for grace to keep waiting because that is the only solution. The question of whether God will give you the type of man you want should not arise because he will definitely give you the only question is when? That one pass me too? Never give up your miracle is on the way.
ReplyDeletewow. Interesting discourse here. It is really not easy, especially in such a world as this and the powerful visual outlets it now commands. The most gripping advice I found here is one that said to turn to your faith (for comfort, direction and strength I presume), since your decision is based on faith.
ReplyDeleteI met my husband when I was 29 and celibate in the US, this was between God and i, and there was absolutely no compromising. All I can say is prayer works! I used the time to get my life and person in order, and God in His own beautiful way organized it all. Everything happened so quickly, we got engaged within 3 mths and married in less than a year. He understood where I was coming from, and fast forward almost 3yrs of marriage, that was the best foundation, one created based on God, and His word.
ReplyDelete@person who suggested the guy may have a side chick, thats sad because it tells where your mind is at, I can tell you, you cant ever FULLY follow god and ever be wrong in life.
I never had a prob meeting guys, had a long line, but I knew what God had for me, so I was in no rush, plus I was vocal about letting them know nothing would happen in any way. The best the person would get was a kiss, I was hard o! lol But no man was worth me placing above God, and I saw anyone that would try to do that as doing that.
Hmmmmnnn,I do not want to talk much but I can say categorically that any man who leaves you bcos u are not ready to give him sex does not truly love you and his intention is not to marry tou.
ReplyDeleteEven if you are not a virgin,a guy should respect ur decision not to climb his bed.There are decent guys out there who will respect your decision.As a matter of fact,any guy complaining or talking about ur decision not to have sex is not after you for marriage! Sex is not part of the things you discuss in a relationship at all.There are lots of things to discuss outside sex.Sex should b discussed with marriage counsellors only not when both of u are alone. Dont feel pressured to please a guy with your body unless you dont mind even if he leaves after he had tasted you......