After watching a Nollywood movie recently, I was wondering about Nigerians and kissing. Is kissing part of Nigerian or African culture? I didn't have to think too far to know the partial answer to that. After writing "you may kiss the bride" into our wedding program - and getting the approval of the officiating priest - the Bishop who handled the vows refused to say it. He was using the booklet o, but when he got to that part, he said "not on his watch" and skipped the lines. I was so mad. Can you feel that I'm still beefing? LOL...
Anyway, no one needs to tell me that some Nigerians, and not just the older ones, are not cool with kissing. I remember also when I had to meet Atala at the Lagos airport once and jumped into his arms for a kiss when he came out. Most people were like hey, stop, what is that, move on. And no, we were not blocking anyone. But there is the question, is it the kissing that they aren't used to, or the public nature of it?
I decided to make Google search my friend, thinking of a little debate after Kiru Taye's first historical romance was published and a Nigerian reviewer felt the love scenes were probably unrealistic. But the question remains, who really knows? These things were not documented as far as I know.
Imagine my pleasurable surprise in finding that someone is documenting what is happening contemporaneously, by asking questions. Questions such as, How do Africans Kiss, Do Africans Kiss, Do you see Africans kiss, what about your parents?"
Eaten By The Heart is a video installation and documentary project conceived, produced and directed by film-maker and video artist, Zina Saro-Wiwa. ... the piece explores intimacy, heartbreak and love performances among Africans and African Diasporans.
Eaten By The Heart forms part of Zina’s video performance practice which currently focuses on the mapping of emotional landscapes, its resulting performative behaviors and cross-cultural implications. She states: “So many of us cite with confidence that Love Is Universal. But the performance of love is, it seems, cultural. I wonder how the impact of how we choreograph and culturally organize the performance of love impacts what we feel inside and who we become.”
Personally, I don't think Africans consider kissing as a cultural performance of love. I have not ever seen my parents kiss until their 25th wedding anniversary when my dad gave my mum a peck on the cheek in front of a packed church. Talk about PDA, yes, I learnt from the best. :)
OK, what I think is this. Younger people are kissing. I think those of us born in the seventies, eighties and nineties have seen kissing on TV so much as a part of expressing romantic love that we've imbibed it and use it in our own relationships. Seriously though, I can count on one hand the number of both-African couples older than 30 - I have seen kissing. So, I'm still not sure.
What has been your experience? Do Africans kiss? Do you kiss, will you kiss, how many people have you seen kiss recently? Is it part of our culture? Let's discuss.
I like this topic! I still think that public display of affection is un African. Although I kiss alot, nothing except a wedding or an anniversary can make me kiss in the presence of my parents lai lai. I can't even do it in the presence of elderly kinsmen. Personally, I'd prefer to see couples kiss at their white wedding and not trado.
ReplyDeleteSome elderly Africans feel disrespected when young people kiss openly. Kissing before my mother? NO WAY!!!!
I find this topic very interesting, and will be writing on it for ThisisAfrica soon. So I have several thoughts on this, firstly there are so many different African cultures, not just one African culture we tend to make that mistake sometimes. It makes sense that in some African cultures, kissing is not traditional, while in others it is. Secondly, I feel that just because something doesn't happen in public doesn't mean that it does not happen at all. Thirdly, from researching into this topic it is really clear that colonialism affected the way we view sexuality and things like kissing/flirting in public. Today, Nigerians can be the most modest people in the world, decrying any sight of cleavage or asking women to dress decently. This is almost entirely opposite to what our ancestors would have considered "decent" because nudity wasn't a big deal. What I'm saying is that the pre/post colonial cultural changes are huge.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to stop using numbers now haha, African sexuality is a field that is relatively uncharted, like most of other fields relating to the continent. I've never seen my parents kiss, then again I have never seen my parents argue and I have never seen my mother cry. I'm not going to assume that they never argued, or that my mother never cries.
I've been to more weddings these days that ask for kisses from the bride and groom. Mind you these were traditional Yoruba Muslim weddings too perhaps this is the influence of Western media. To answer your other questions, yes Africans kiss. Yes I will kiss. Yes I have seen a lot of people kiss recently.
Kissing is something humans do to me. You don't see people asking, "Do Asians kiss?" or "Do Native Americans kiss?" why is it only Africans that have to answer such questions? And why do we even indulge in it, sometimes I wonder. I think because unlike the Indians or Japanese who have historical art that depicts kissing among other things, most of our own historical heritage has been destroyed or is not well studied so we assume that almost everything we do today was introduced by a foreign source.
Sexual expression developed differently in various parts of the world. But things like kissing, oral sex, masturbation, they have been documented in pre-colonial Americas and Asia. Yet as always, Africa is ignored. It is only our animals that get studied haha, so everyone assumes we never did these things.
It is only our animals that get studied haha, so everyone assumes we never did these things. Lol! But very true. African gets ignored in many things.
DeleteHere, here! Cosmic Yoruba- always mirroring my own feelings to a T. Well said! Do Africans kiss? What a question.
DeleteI look forward to reading your article. I think the whole public or not confuses the issue. But yeah, an undocumented history does not help.
DeleteSimply beautifully written. Thank you. Xxxb
DeleteNot only have older Africans convinced themselves that "kissing is un-African", they have convinced us too. Sigh! If not for children who reveal all hidden things, Africans would have convinced us that sex is un-African too.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing un-African about kissing. PDA may be quite recent and maybe more of an imported public phenomenon but it is only the "P" in PDA that is rather new to African contexts.
I do PDA...just not in front of my parents. Its seen as disrespectful. I cant even sit on a man's (hubby/bf) lap in fron of my parents. Holding hands is the farthest i can go. But PDA anywhere else....? heck yh! I think things are changing. When my kids grow up, i would not have a problem with PDA in my very before, lol.
ReplyDeleteThe Yoruba man... Them no dey carry last, he is doing said lover a favour by kissing her sef LOL...
ReplyDeleteLOL!
DeleteI grew up in a house where my parents were very touchy touchy and had no problems with PDA and I remember thinking as a child that that was very normal but now I am married my husband is so not into that kind of thing and I realize that that is the general norm amongst most nigerians they feel being affectionate in public is a no no. "No be you first love" LOL
ReplyDeleteNo be you first love, lol... Abeg na me first love for this one o :)
DeleteKissing in Africa? No way! It's not our culture. Where is the guts to do so in presence of people? And so what if you are a couple? Please please, do your 'kissing' behind closed doors, so you don't spoil the 'children'. I never saw that with my parents and I have not tried it in public too. Call me 'bush', na you sabi.:)
ReplyDeleteWhich kain bush? E no easy jare. Behind closed doors is OK. lol at "so you don't spoil the children" hahahahahahah!
DeleteI won't call you bush, we don't want to spoil the children now, do we? LOL...
DeleteThe simple answer is NO...anything that is seen as a gateway to sex is definitely frowned upon (even for married folks)
ReplyDeleteEven for married folks? LOL...So how do we have all the children we have every year in Nigeria? I agree with you though, some of us are such prudes. Freaks in the bedroom and saints outside.
DeleteTo be honest kissing in public in Nigeria I don't know about other African countries is not something the older generation smile upon. Deep down I think it mostly come down to shyness and being uncomfortable because they are not use to that way of life. They don't know how to handle the situation, to them it's almost life having sex in public so they would rather do it behind closed doors.
ReplyDeleteLived in uk for 10years was totally comfortable kissing in public no biggie, now been living in Nigeria since 2010 and I can't believe how shy i get kissing in public now,. I get teased about it by my other half. I guess it's just the just the society.
Growing up I saw my parents kiss on more than 3 occasions. They are both Africans and at the time they both hadn't left the shores of Nigeria. Yes I kiss in public, yes I don't mind doing it, but now I feel shy about it...how weird.
Interesting, I wonder what would happen if we moved back? Hmmm...
Delete*reads earlier comments* *everything has been covered* Ok! I must ask... what movie were you watching lol
ReplyDeleteFunny enough, I stay away from the extreme ones that put all the sex in the movie in the previews. This was Kiss and tell that got me thinking :)
DeleteAm i the only one that notice the laughter after the lady talked about burying her children? Rude!!!
ReplyDeleteI noticed the sound too, but I took it as crying. Why would anyone laugh at such a time?
DeleteIt depends on which generation you're talking about. If we're talking about what our ancestors did, then I have no idea. My grandma (86 year old) claims that French kissing wasn't something people did in my ethnic group (Fante from Ghana!) although there were other skills people displayed in lovemaking: foreplay with waist beads, sucking on boobs, wiggling waist (my grandma is naughty, lol).
ReplyDeleteBut for my generation and my parents own, I think lots of people kiss, maybe not in public but they do.
I love your Grandma already. I want to spend some time and imbibe her wisdom and experience :)
DeleteI love your grandma as well.
DeleteInterestingly, french kissing wasn't something people did outside France either until about the post war era. I'm a nigerian who grew up in the UK, and in the 80's tongue or french kissing was still seen as a high exotic french art form, and clearly wasn't part of english culture.
In fact a lot of what is seen as modern western sexual culture is in fact french derived from around the 17-19th centurys when France was seen as the leader and innovator in all things art, fashion, gastronimical and sexual.
Interestingly, despite my english upbringing I've somehow retained an instinctive african aversion to excessive public displays of affection and still find it quite repugnant as well as disrespectful even as a teen.
I never understood until watching this film, exactly why I felt this way, as I never saw my attitude in terms of me being african.
And I still to this day find french style kissing really unpleasant - so unhigienic. FACT: there are more germs in the mouth than in the anus!
Ewww...
DeleteLip wrestling is a very legit form of exercise in my books. Should be done all day everyday :D #okdenbye
ReplyDeleteLOL, lip wrestling...hahaha toin o
DeleteIt is not definitely, borrowed but welcome. If only we did it legitimately, lol!
ReplyDeleteWhich one is legitimate kiss again, I thought it was only sex that was off limits?
DeleteOk, i read some of d comments and agreed with u folks. Please how can i get my husband to love kissing and engage in it. I love kissing and its one thing that turns me on for love making. I practically compels him to kiss me everytime and we only manage to liplock for about 30s or less. We've talked about it several times through the years( been married for 11+ yrs) and no improvement. No amount of touching lubricates me like kissing. Once in a while he succumbs, and it brings me on and we have a very good love making. Can i really do anything about it or is it absolutely an african thing of our men not liking kissing? Am talking about kissing in the privacy of our room. Thanks
ReplyDeleteIt's not an African man thing, especially in this generation, like Myne said. I think it's now more of an individual thing. Personally, although I love kissing, I'm not a great fan of PDA, but since my husband is, I've learnt to kiss in public and block out everyone else. I think he's toned it down a bit, too, so it's more of a win-win thing. However, I did witness my parents kiss on a couple of occasions, especially after periods of absence like a trip or something, and it was a chaste peck on the lips, no lip-locking.
DeleteFastforward a few years after my mom's death, and I was witnessing my dad remarrying a much younger woman. It wasn't written into the programme, but she reminded the officiating minister about the "You may kiss the bride" part. Honestly, the kiss was the motor-rotor type- even I wanted to sink through the floor in embarrassment! And my dad is a clergyman, so you can imagine the. That kiss put even laymen to shame. I think she would have gone on, but if I remember rightly, he was the one who pushed her away gently. Whew! Well, I guess that was when I knew that he had it in him...and I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree, heh-heh. :)
If you've talked to your husband again and again, I don't know what else you can do...except to keep emphasizing it. I also think you should initiate kissing outside the bedroom. If he's made to see how important it is to you, there's hope! I believe he's a reasonable man and he'll come around.
Haha...still came back to read about your dad's motor-roto kiss. I like that. Thanks for the great comment.
Deletemany Africans frown at PDA... BUT I don't have a problem with it ..
ReplyDeleteDepending on where they are, Africans kiss. Though in Nigeria, you rarely see people kissing in public, they still kiss. Yes, I kiss and I have seen people kiss around me recently
ReplyDeleteLol @ Toinlicious.
ReplyDeleteI have seen my parents kissing. Never the hollywood types, but there's love involved. It is true, African-ness frowns on any public lovey-doveys. I know a Nigerian couple (living in America o) that goes to a hotel once a week for their rendezvous. Yes o, as in they leave their own house, and go to a hotel room. They don't know that we know. Whatever rocks their boat men.
I love kisses, I don't care if they're in public, but for me PDA somewhat says "I am not ashamed to love this man". The college boyfriend was the king of PDA, never anything lewd or offensive, but you could read the affection, even in something as simple as holding hands. Someone told me one time after watching the two of us for a while - 'I wish I had what you have'. Made me blush. Lol.
You know, that brings up something else... Do you think domestic violence would be suspected if a couple was publicly in-love? Then again, it is prolly easy to mask a volatile home with public displays of attention...
Love the way you described PDA, I concur :)
DeleteAbout PDA and domestic violence, it sure doesn't rule it out. Some relationships are very complicated, and the PDA might not even be to mask the abuse, but a part of a cycle of highs and lows of their unhealthy love. I'm no therapist sha, just musing...
Yeah, those highs and lows sha... God help women that have to live through that o...
DeleteI dont know oo..
ReplyDeleteHave wondered myself but hey I agree with cosmic yoruba.lol.
hmmm, my best pictures in my wedding album are the kisses, meeeehn, me and hubby did not send anybody, we kissed like we were the only people on earth, its my wedding so i can kiss if i want to, right?....lol,my parents must have been shocked....lol, anyway i never saw my parents kiss though, just saw my mum kiss daddy`s bare chest once, and its one of my sweetest memories. Do whatever makes you comfortable anyway. i like seeing older couple who get all touchy and mushy once in a while, it gives me something to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteBut what's the real problem though? If 2 people are married, why do we have a problem with them displaying their affection? As long as it isn't PG-13 (we have to watch out for the kids, right?), it should be okay. They did stand before God and all their friends to vow their love to each other so I think it's okay that they can continue to express their love in front of others. I've seen my parents kiss lots of times.
ReplyDelete