Confused Girl… Are You Ready For Marriage?

This is a response to Confused Girl's mail to Myne.

Are you ready for marriage?

Okay, brace yourself… NOPE! You not ready!!! Oh by the way, there is nothing wrong with that, marriage is an enormous step to take in life, so make sure you don’t feel bad at all!  And it appears it is a combined case of the normal pre-marriage hesitations, as well as you having two additional complications, your bisexuality AND his plans to move back to Nigeria so soon.

Some sweet but tough love.

Okay now you know when people typically say: He is my perfect companion, or She is my soul mate  or we were made for each other…Not true at all. Are you old enough to know the Whispers classic song: And the beat goes on? As the Chorus goes: “…just like fishes in the ocean, they'll  always be someone new…”

So if the relationship ends, eventually, you BOTH will and should certainly be able to move on to equally happy, rewarding and fulfilling relationships with somebody else. Why? Well I do not believe in the concept of a perfect match, meaning only ONE person out there that was meant for you. I do however believe in the perfect TYPE of person or group of people out there that would be the most ideal for you. Hence if you miss one person who appears to be the ideal match, there is most certainly another out there within your ideal group that will meet and possibly even beat what you feel is only available to you in your current fiancé. I have personally experienced this. And I am willing to bet there are others out there who did not marry that “ideal” one person, but today are in a great marriage with somebody else.

One reason I decided to respond to you as that this ties into my earlier piece [read here] on the perceived problem of men and women not getting married in Nigeria, where I noted I believe 22 – 25 years old was too early to get married. You validate my opinion there, as you said it yourself,

I feel I haven’t had enough time to experience life on my own and to sure of myself and my sexuality.

I mentioned a period of discovery for younger folks. Part of this period of discovery I wrote about directly refers to your statement above. In order not to end up at a point later on it life when you might regret earlier actions taken or NOT taken at a younger age, it helps to have gained enough experience to be sure of your subsequent decisions, and you have a rather serious one to consider at the moment.

When you said the following, let me translate:

At this point, I'm not sure I want to buy a house, have kids, or move to the suburbs, all the things that married people do, not to talk of returning to Nigeria. 

 Translation: 

At this point, I am not yet ready to commit my entire life to this fellow, regardless of how much I love him and subsequently change my current lifestyle.  

Be rest assured that is not a selfish way to think, it is simply your reality. And it is best for you to keep it real especially with yourself. Oh by the way it is actually a good way to think as you are not supposed to sacrifice your dreams and desires simply because you want to get married. You might modify them, but not sacrifice them entirely. 

So from my vantage point, if you are currently enjoying your current social situation, I would hesitate to truncate it at this point simply because it means your fiancé might not wait till you are ready. Consider the ideal situation to be one where both parties are ready to walk down the aisle, not just one and the other going along kicking and screaming even though it will really be simply shaking ikebe and swaying to the organists rendition of “here comes the bride…”

Going back to Nigeria 

And then you do not want to go back to Nigeria, not yet at least… Oh lawdy, more trouble again…. You say the country is very restrictive. How about we say, it is traditional and not liberal in its ways or mannerisms? We still have very strong cultural ways of living in Nigeria and you might not be ready for that. When did you last visit? Any recent trips in the last two or three years? You need to take a trip back if you have not, to to validate OR dispel your concerns. Don’t make an important decision based on outdated historical information or hearsay.

But from your mail, you simply are not ready to settle down, that is it, period, be it in the UK or Nigeria you are not there yet.  The possibility of having to settle down in Nigeria is just an added complication to the core problem. This is a main issue you should really address with your fiancé immediately. Suppose you only say you are not ready to move back and he then decides to postpone that plan for say five years? That is not your core problem, as they say, you need to treat the actual affliction or cause and not the symptoms of the core issue.

How can I leave him, or should I? 

   

How can you leave someone you love so much?

Of course you can leave him! Why not?  But is the solution to break up? Certainly not! Ah! Don’t leave him just like that! At least not yet. You need to have a very serious conversation with your fiancé on these issues and fears.

I am sure other married ladies here will note, you will not be the first and most certainly not the last to want to postpone marriage for one reason or another.  Some did and others did not. So it would not be odd for you to decide the time is not right. However the option is not to automatically to break up the relationship. You should certainly make a serious attempt, possibly several to get him to understand your point of view and your feelings. Any man worth his salt will listen attentively and very seriously consider opinions that are contrary to his own. And it may very well illustrate his love for you by accepting to adjust his plans in order to ensure that you will equally be happy in the marriage. And in addition accepting you for whom you are. However this will take some time. As you think about this, understand that even having a relationship after you get married with a woman will in most situations, still be considered infidelity. 

Why the rush to marry? 

And this finally brings me to the issue that your fiancé getting married will help his job. Ah! My dear, I am pleading with you with the love of God. Do not marry him due to it helping his job! Ouch, that is a dangerous road to embark upon. That can potentially create serious resentment when difficult times come around. Please make sure you are marrying the man at the right time and only for your mutual love for each other and nothing else. Period.

So while you should prepare well for the worst, most certainly sit him down and hope and work towards the best.