For Men - How To Bring the Sexy Into Your Marriage

This post was written in response to the guy whose wife is shy and reserved in the bedroom [see post], and a more specific version was sent back to him in reply. He enjoyed the comments on the previous post and wishes, like some others who commented on the post, that RML had more general posts on the issue of happy sex in marriage.

The fact is that while the Dear Myne email was from a husband, and the pointers in this post are written to a man who seeks to bring the sexy into his marriage, there are also women for whom it is vice versa. These women may have a higher libido than their husbands, or a man who is conservative about sex. While they too can pick some pointers from here, I hope to write a more specific post directed to women.

Now, when you're newly married, it may take some time, a few months and sometimes even up to a year to really relax around each other. While some couples are all over each during that honeymoon phase, some struggle, either one or both was a virgin, or have body image issues, or their libidos don't match, or their work life balance doesn't give them enough time.

Now a couple will be on the right path if they love each other from the beginning, and have a good communication going. The man, or the partner who is ahead could try to lead by example on the things that matters more to him/her, and hopefully if they do it with love, the partner will be willing to work with them on the issue, and they can both continue to talk about it honestly and openly.

For the men or women who may be comparing their partners unfavorably to an ex who was a stud in bed, remember that you married your spouse for a reason. I'm sure you've heard about the 80/20 law about relationships. None of us is perfect and so most times, we each end up with people who no matter how good, have only 80% of what we need to satisfy us.

I believe that the partner who needs more sexy in the marriage can help their partner match up, maybe not up to the ex, but close. And cheating to get that sex or the 20% of whatever you feel is lacking in the marriage rarely fixes anything. It may work temporarily but in the long run, and looking at the big picture, it sours everything. Whether your partner finds out or not, it will eat you up from the inside out. I am of course talking to those who have a living conscience :)

I have one major question to men who feel their wife is conservative or does not do sexy stuff in bed. Does she enjoy sex? Does she have orgasms?

It's definitely something to think about. If a woman really enjoys sex, it is easy in that state to get her to do most things. We've all heard of 'pillow talk' or 'bottom power', these can go both ways and can include being free and sexy in bed.

So the following are practical steps any man in this situation can take to add to what they're already doing.

1. Buy your wife lingerie. Or take her specifically to buy some. Don't give her the money, don't wait outside the shop. Walk in there, touch the bras, panties, etc and let her see you enjoy their feel. Look into her eyes while you do that and you may see a different woman in bed that night.

2. What does your bedroom look like? I know it is usually the woman that decorates, but since the man is more sensual, he has to take charge. Have dimmable sidelamps, a comfortable bedspread, etc.

3. Seduce your wife. I know you want her to seduce you, and there's a way you can make it so. Most women take a longer time to warm up to being at the place where they can totally let go and fully get into sex. Learn to touch your wife always, send her flirty messages, tell her what you intend to do to her.

4. On weekends if you live without others in the house, remain only in your boxers or naked, and encourage her to be naked with you all day :)

5. If you've not done this before, do it. Devote an hour for sex, not for your orgasm, but just for your wife. I'm hoping that her pleasure is yours too, so you'll definitely be getting a lot of enjoyment too. Massage her all over. Kiss her all over. Give her oral or use your hands and fingers to pleasure her and if possible bring her to orgasm.

What do you have to add?