Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Public Displays of Affection - Only for the Married and Engaged?

Posted in: , ,
 Joke Silva and husband, Olu Jacobs

Just last week we were talking about American style romance being the new standard of dating, and Ginger raised an interesting point.
If anything, the reticence displayed by a good number of African men towards showing affection in public (compared to the privacy of the bedroom- not even living room)is the African stylee. So 'thumbs up' to those who are willing to be Western and even say 'you are burriful' to their girl in public.
I am of the opinion that for most young Nigerians dating in cities around the world tend towards the western or hollywood depiction of romance. However, Ginger is right that majority are still more conservative than is typical in say, London or New York. This I think reflects the traditional culture of most Nigerian communities, where marriages are arranged between families, as well as the colonial and religious history that wanted women to be chaste virgins.

In my own experience, mothers told their daughters that even holding a man's hand in public will either get her pregnant, or it would mean that no other man would marry her. OK, my own mum didn't tell me exactly that, but she did impress on me how important my bride price, lol...This I think is the reason why relationships in Nigeria, and even of Nigerians outside the country is more subtle than most. Most girls do not let anyone outside their closest circle know of their boyfriends until he is ready to make it respectable, you know propose, or at least be introduced to family.

I confess that I did the same, Atala and I had been talking for about 6months before my parents heard about it. That said, I'm a big big lover of PDAs and whenever we were together in those days, my hands would be all over him. Now, I got into a discussion the other day about when PDA's are acceptable.

According to some people, even at that stage, Public displays of Affection are not really encouraged. The dating couple should always be very discreet. Women, and sometimes the men too, should not express their love in public like holding hands, hugging, touching, or even saying I love you. The couple can only PDA a bit after making the announcement to friends and family members, or when the suitor has done the introduction or traditional marriage. Most preferably, they should wait till after marriage.

Me, I believe a couple should start as they mean to go on, and in this case, practice makes perfect. I find PDAs sexy and romantic, and it is like foreplay. If a couple are not comfortable touching each other when others are there, I think it would be harder even when they're alone.

What is your own stance? Will you hug or hold hands with your boyfriend/girlfriend in public, or do they have to wait till you're married. That is if ever?




30 comments:

  1. lool! I don't mind PDA at all... makes me feel special sometimes hehehe

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think PDA's depends on personalities. I really dont like it. And where do you draw the line. was in a train the other day and saw a couple kissing and next thing the guy grabbed her boobs....i mean WTF. The subtle ones are okay anything else is just gross. lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am an introvert, so while I secretly want it, I am mortified when my fiancé tries to be all over me in public.
    Well, what you may see as normal may be excessive to someone else and vice versa. The key is moderation, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  4. PDA with discretion please, some displays are nauseating to passersby and until I'm sure we're going somewhere with the relationship; please stay in your lane!

    ReplyDelete
  5. im a huge fan of PDA (not d boobs grabbing part o). i just love it when my man whispers and touches me in public, makes me feel loved....yes, i am a hopeless romantic

    ReplyDelete
  6. I am a huge fan of PDAs o and God knows. Even though our parents do warn against it but I just feel when in a relationship, it's good to show to the person that you're not hiding anything. You don't mind if the whole world sees you both showing affection to each other. But like P.E.T said, "...with discretion", especially when you're not married yet.

    - LDP

    ReplyDelete
  7. I find it disgusting, just the locking lips part. Pecks are good, holding hands? Yea, in a nice environment like a beach, NOT a busy street. You only constitute nuisance by obstructing those in a hurry. And it makes sense if you were married. Not using it as an advertisement, letting the world know that "I'm dating this guy/girl"

    Do it for the right reason.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Absolutely love pda's but once has to be careful about the environment/situation i.e. people doing pda in church whether married or not might get frowned at as opposed to doing it say at a house party etc

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm with those who think PDA with moderation is cute, however, the thought just crossed my mind, who determines what is moderate? like I think french kissing for a long period in public is gross (get a room pls) but on the other hand, its the norm for some pple...

    What works for me? holding hands, light touch, gentle whispers, hand on the small of my back, brushing a strand of hair from my face, a peck on the forehead, cheek, neck, lips....u get the picture :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aunty! You sef like better thing. haha

      And wetin be "small of my back" abeg? lol

      - LDP

      Delete
  10. I find PDA extremely romantic. I simply do not care what people think if I kiss,hold or hug my boyfriend outside. It all depends on the person you are in a relationship with. I'm a Pro-PDA :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. hmm...6 months and your parents didn't hear of Atala,mine was more than 3 years oh,maybe because we weren't thinking marriage...I love PDA and it's one of the few ways of making your spouse feel special and assured that you are proud of him/her..

    ReplyDelete
  12. me and mine are very much into PDA sometimes him more than me and i love it and yes i do agree that locking of lips in public is a bit extreme but a peck on the cheeks, lips is fine for us. He holds my hands everywhere but then i think it is just him coz he is the same with his sisters (holding hands part i mean:)he hugs me in public etc he started holding my hands as soon as i said yes to him Lol!
    i agree with the part about most nigerian/african girls only letting in their closest friends on the relationship until absolutely sure i guess it is a case of incase it doesn't work out i for one wouldn't want to be introducing different men to my parents every couple of months or so........

    ReplyDelete
  13. PDAs are romantic...they give a feeling of romantic love and I think for married couples, they can be like foreplay. However, I also feel it is important that both parties in the relationship have the same stance where PDAs are concerned or have at least reached a compromise. Otherwise.....

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  14. The cultural issues you mention are interesting. I think as women all over the world reclaim their sexual power they will be less likely to buy into stereotypes that say women who are affectionate and/or sexual are bad or slutty.

    I love seeing (and participating in) PDA-lite. Holding hands, hugs, touching, kisses. At the same time, it makes me uncomfortable having a front row seat when others engage in what seems to be intense sexual foreplay. I'm not sure I can define where the line is crossed - but there *is* a point where PDA's go from, "Aw, isn't that cute, they're in love!" to "Get a room!"

    I think it was Heinlein who said that people who engage in foreplay in front of unpaired people are as rude as people who eat in front of those who are hungry.

    ReplyDelete
  15. PDA is nice in small doses. Sometimes I like looking at couples who you can tell are extremely close and in love and they are not even doing anything extra, it is in their body language. I once saw a guy put eyeshadow on his wife but she hurt her wrist on the train. That was the most beautiful thing ever. I take that over lip locking, any day.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Love pda. I find it romantic. There are people who will take offense about one thing or another. If we worry about what people will think before we do a lot of things, we would live an expressionless life.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Like some other people have said, PDA with discretion is fine. But then again, who am i to tell someone else what they can and can't do with their boo? Personally i am a huge fan of PDA...why should i have to hide my love? And even moreso, why should i have to hide it until we're married??? Whats the difference...especially from the outside looking in, you don't know whether i'm married or not.

    At the end of the day, do what makes you happy and *middle-finger* everyone else lol

    ReplyDelete
  18. ilike PDA's and yes it awesome(the holding hand, pecking and hugging bit). As for me, having been through it (and breaking up, i was scarred ohh, and seeing people hold hands for a while made me miserable not anymore thank u Lord for the healing). For this reason, I will rather wait till we are maybe (married or just maybe engaged sha(the guy will have to come with reasons why he has to hold my hand when I am not ready ohh). I guess am scarred/tunned up now. I think its cute(when older married couple holds hands awwwwwww at the granny and grapppieee)....

    ReplyDelete
  19. I'm pretty much okay with PDA at whatever stage of the relationship. But with moderation. I personally wouldn't want to accidentally have my gaze land on a couple half-dressed, grabbing at each other and ripping fabric. Uh, NO. Holding hands, cute kisses, hugging. Nothing wrong with that.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Myne, thanks for the mention. You know we share a lot of similar views :).

    I do understand why our traditional society thinks it is more appropriate for engaged/married couples. Its like if you are PDAing in public, it makes people conclude that sex is happening indoors. So the number of men you date and PDA with, increases the chance of the girl being labelled as promiscuous.

    I come from a very reticent family. So trust me, I am the opposite way. I love PDAs.I'm a touchy feeling person myself. hands on hair, shoulder, hugs, probably not tongue sucking shaa. Its a measure of how happy i am with someone.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Am totally for PDAs... Makes me feel special + all d mushyness that comes with it.

    ReplyDelete
  22. i love pda's but being a lil shy and introverted,i take it in lil steps..

    ReplyDelete
  23. I think PDA is all about time and place. Yes being in love is great but I know as a single girl how many times I feel like shooting some couples when they're almost having sex in full glare all because 'she's my sweetie-patootie!' whosai?! its so inconsiderate! I mean yes you're in love but at least feel something for me who is going home to an empty house.
    in the few times I've dated, I always feel self conscious doing more than the 'bare minimum' I always feel that there's someone cursing me out the same way I do now lol!

    ReplyDelete
  24. I dont think there is anything wrong with old folks displaying affections publicly.

    ReplyDelete
  25. i do love PDAs and love seeing people indulging in it but am very shy about them and some folks have had issues with me concerning this. gosh, wish i would not be so shy about this

    ReplyDelete
  26. i love it and ok when people indulge on the moderate level but me, doing that? i get shy, extremely shy and folks wonder at my inert ability to give a 360 hug et al cos the best i perform are stiff!

    ReplyDelete

Click Post a Comment to share your thoughts, I'll love to hear from you. Thanks!

*Comments on old posts are moderated and may take sometime to be shown. That's just because I want to see them and respond to you if necessary.