Myne, good evening. I'm writing cos I need advice from you. I'm a doctor in my mid-twenties, doing my NYSC. I wanna get wedded like almost all my friends, but I'm having some issues. I wanna ask you, when you met Atala, before the wedding, did you kiss and cuddle and touch all the time?
I had a very good relationship which ended about 3yrs ago, and the touching was part of the reason it gave way. We did almost everything but penetration, andI felt so guilty after each time. He knew, and tried to hold back but the sparks btw us alwaiz flew, andwe'd stl touchn and doing stuff. Finally, I told him not to visit me anymore, gave a flimsy reason then of writing my exams, and didn't want to be disturbed.
So for 8 months, we didn't see, and we were only few hrs apart. It eventually fizzled out, a relationship of 6yrs, after I discovered he'd been cheating with other girls, during that period. I stl blame myself for the break-up. Felt I shd ve handled it better. But at least, I was at peace with my God!
Fast-forward to now, and I wanna start a relationship with a Spirit-filled brother. He visited this weekend and had no qualms kissing and touching every part of me. I resisted, allowed only kissing! Note, I'm no prude. My ex loved the fact that I could be very responsive andtold me so. I know I'm gonna enjoy making love, andwon't be frigid. But, with this guy, I have 2 issues.
1. Is it right 4 him as a Christian to do all the cuddling thingys? He says he has no problem in his heart about them, that he doesn't feel he's wronging God, as long as he doesn't penetrate before marriage. That it's part of showing me love. Asked a male friend last night, and he said the kissing and touching and cuddling things are normal. If these are true, then I've caused myself a great heartbreak for nothing, and shld apologize to my ex.
2. Why did he have to start all that stuff at once the 1st night we're spending together? My ex took his time, allowing me get used to him b4 going further any further. If this relationship doesn't work out, am I gonna have to kiss and cuddle every guy who's interested in me, and I like also, when we spend the 1st night together? Ugh!!! So not looking forward to that! Would rather go seek out the Ex, pray he's stl single and beg 4 forgiveness!
___________
So, what do you guys think?
Hmmm,this is really tough.Though because sometimes we think we know it all but we just realize it's more than we can handle.
ReplyDeleteFor now i can just say she needs to just go on her knees in prayers to God because He is just the beginning and the end(seems very easy to say but I know it's not,I know what I am saying),I will still come over again but for now let me allow others.
Peace sister!
First off your Ex was a cheater so thank God for exposing that. If you didn't find that "peace" with God, you wouldn't have found that out and you could have ended up with him.
ReplyDeleteI am a christian brother as well and I'm married now. Initially during our first year of courtship my wife and I cuddled and kissed, but the deeper I went into studying God's word and learning to listen to the Spirit, the more the Spirit tenderized my heart to know that I was fanning unnecessary embers and guilt trips.
One day I had a talk with my fiancee and told her the cuddling and kissing had to stop. She initially felt I was overreacting but we prayed about it and she accepted to go along with me, both of us trusting on the power of Grace to stay true to the end.
We were able to hold off totally for two years. The most we did was hold hands, or a light peck or light friendly hug. I noticed particularly that I started learning new stuff about her, becoming more of her friend and our conversationality(if there's a word like that) increased once we put the cuddling and kissing under lock and key.
1. Don't let the enemy play guilt trip mind games with your mind as regards your ex. Thank God for exposing him and move on. I believe anyone who is truly waiting on God within His principles as regards sex in this day and age deserves the very best in love and marriage.
2.Sit down with your current fiance and talk again. Don't ignore the voice of the Holy Spirit. Pray about it together.
3. I'm a guy and I tell you that asking your fiance to hold off on the kissing and caressing is the ultimate litmus test for a guy, even as regards his spiritual maturity. You want to marry a guy that will encourage and build up your faith, not bring it down. I'm not saying treat him suspiciously, but offer to help build him up and encourage him get more self-control through the power of the Spirit. Giving into the attraction is the easy way out, leaning on the Spirit to hold off the attraction till the right time is the challenge and sacrifice which, trust me will produce exceptional results.
As for us, my hands trembled so much just trying to open up her blouse on our wedding night, sex is super exciting and we have an incredible friendship.
Good things surely come to those who wait to do it right. You're His child and God won't give you stone for bread, just trust and obey.
All the best!
I AGREE WITH THIS PERSON! And think you should do like he did
DeleteFrom a guy's perspective, he is speaking the truth. As ladies, sometimes we let our emotions lead us instead of the voice of the Holy Spirit. You already know what is right and I suggest you don't let the flesh overcome that strength that God has given you.
DeleteThis person has said it all. God bless you sir!
DeleteGBAM!
DeleteVery well said! Nothing more to add here :)
DeleteTo everyone here... I understand everything she had said but wish you haven't distant your self from him... You made him single for 8 Months... And he had thought may be it was over.. I will do the same Sister and such should still be on your list of friendz... He tried any way
Deletereally tough situation but a very common one to so please dont feel you are alone, almost every single christian girl goes through this and not all are as bold as you to ask for advice.
ReplyDeletefirstly i would like to say that your christian race is unique to you and if you feel guily about anything you are doing (not necessarily only cuddling and kissing, you feel that God is not happy with what you are doing, then PLEASE STOP IT.
that said, i can only advice that you take it slow in the new relationship and yes plese take it slow, your new boyfriend wanting to cuddle and kiss the first night is not abnormal as men react to women differently.
i would also advice that for someone who wants to stay away for being intimate with her boyfriend/fiance until they are married, you shouldnt be spending nights with him. create fun thing you can do during your time together by doing that you guys will be making a more productive use of your time in your relationship. talk more, plan the future together, do fun things and hang out with other people too.
As a young professional, pls set limits based on your relationship with God and stick to them, if you are weak ask God for help and strength. Men dont admit it, but they re proud of women who have high moral values and especially keep to them.
it is possible to keep your hands to yourself very possible. sorry for writing this long piece but i have once been in her shoes. thank you
this is a problem my friends and i often discuss, its a real struggle trying to be a committed christian and practical too. this one brother/pastor and i, got carried away with liking eachother. he was honest enough to tell me he was quite attracted to me, i struggled the first time he kissed me, it felt like a slip, i cried my eyes out cos i made some promise to God, but the next time it happened, i was completely confused. he was fondling me this time. i liked him, but i was scared that he didnt really have the fear of God, besides i didnt expect a 'pastor' to kiss me. i for one was against it because everything else had to follow eventually.
ReplyDeleteit was also for kinda the same reason i broke off a three yr relationship, he couldnt seem to keep his hands off all of a sudden. nothing heavy though, but i was scared. i feel a fool too, but i know he'd never take me back.
so myne, i guess im asking the same thing too. is it right? is it okay?
it feels good, but i know where it could all lead eventually.
signed,
wondering.
Coming back with my own comment...
ReplyDelete- LDP
Still waiting for your comment, sir :)
Deleteanon 01;46 has said it all..God bless u bro!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI guess this is a serious thing we ladies face, especially christian ladies that has vowed to keep themselves till marriage, I had thesame issue too. In my case, the so called brother who was very very committed in my church then back in my university days could not hold himself. All he ever wanted to do when he saw me was to kiss and cuddle me, he would even tell me to twist my waist for him while molesting me. I was helpless then; cos I was confused, naive and lonely. It was my first date ever, and I was 22yrs old then. Thank God we never went far. We didn't even last up to three weeks before I discovered the dog he was. we broke up before the third week. Thank God no sex was involved. I even realized he was dating many sisters in and outside church at thesame time...
ReplyDeleteAs for the person that wrote this, I'll advise you to take your time about your ex. I don't think he's worth going back to, especially after you've found out that he was cheating on you while you guys were going out. Just take your time, pray and hold on. It's not as if it's easy, cos I'm going through thesame thing right now, but trust me, it pays to hold on to God. If he's yours, he'll always come back to you, as long as you keep praying and you don't allow your emotions to lead you. Emotions are bad leaders but good followers. A true love journey is never smooth, it's full of many ups and downs. There's nothing like 'and they lived happily ever after' as we've been made to believe while we were young, all thanks to the novelletes we read then. Don't give up or be fustrated, all will be well in the end. Much love and respect to you my fellow sister, cos I share in your dream of no sex or whatever before marriage. Though it's not easy, but we trust God to bring us through. Please don't give up. You've not come this far to give up. Please think about it.
I think you should follow your heart. If you think it's wrong, then its wrong no matter how many "Christians" tell you its OK. Remember, our guide is the Holy Spirit not people.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think its a bad idea to go back to your ex. I believe you thought about the whole thing carefully before you went your separate ways. Going back to him will be like going back to vomit. Moreover, you found out that he was cheating.
Please don't feel pressured to be in a relationship. The right person always comes at the right time. Hold fast to God, He never disappoints!!!
Go beg that Ex of you's girl! Believe me he tried enough by leaving you almost innocent!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Ema lecious, the standard is what you say it is, follow your heart, let the holy spirit guide you. My hubby and i did not have sex before we were married, but i had to set the standard of how far i was willing to go, brothers usually find it harder that's the truth..so decide for yourself your boundaries, discuss with your new guy ( if he truly loves you he will comply ) he might need your patience but he will comply and pray for strength, God will help you, i don't regret waiting till marriage... sex is super fun now honest!
ReplyDeleteThe bible should be the standard for christians and not what anyone else says or thinks. Personally, i do not support you going back to your ex, if he is God's will for you everything will fall into place. God does not us to help Him perform miracles.
ReplyDeleteEven when we become born again our flesh is not, it takes the grace of God not to fall into sexual temptation.
If you don't want to have sex before marriage then i suggest that fondling, touching and kissing should stop. One thing always leads to another.
For some reasons, these spirit filled brothers are scary. I had an experience back in my undergraduate days, he was my first boyfriend and also a pastor in my fellowship.I chose to date him amongst the many toasters i had then because i thought he wouldn't ask for sex. To say the least, i was shocked at the things he wanted us to try out.
On a closing note, i will like to stress again that the bible should always be our standard. Forget what any spirit filled brother or sister says. The bible says we should work out our salvation with fear and trembling.
spirit filled people --- hmmmmmmm they can indeed be scary. looking back in time, one realizes that most of the time, the spiri was without works, non fruit-bearing spiri
DeleteTouching and lip kissing is wrong. As long as you aren't married yet, you shouldn't do what you wouldn't do with an ordinary friend with him as per touching and all that stuff. My husband and I caved in two months prior to the wedding and I still regret it till date blaming it for our early marital problems.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you, i have discovered that for me and hubby, even though we did not have sex, the cuddling and kissing during the first year or so of courtship, made it difficult to notice and tackle some issues, issues that we should have talked/ prayed/ fought about and overcome..some of those issues are still affecting our marriage now, its so much easier to deal with issues before marriage than after, my husband does not agree with me, he says that all marriages have problems ,that is true but i see it clearly ..its a problem, i see clearly that sex is needed only in marriage when your partner's faults are glaring and you need to close one eye..its the oil of marriage, you dont need that oil before you get married you need to see clearly to either fight or flight and you don't just want any type of christian brother, you want one who has learnt to exercise self control, and patience which is important in a leader that is the kind of man that can truly lead a home ..the spirit of a man is the candle of the lord, the bible says ..i saw go with your conscience...blessings!
DeleteWow... this is the first post where I actually read all the comments. I agree with those who said you shouldn't go back to your ex especially if he was cheating on you because since your stance on sex before marriage has not changed between now and then, what makes you think his patience would have changed?
ReplyDeleteAnd I definitely agree on letting the spirit lead you. I however hold that if you are going to abstain then abstain totally because one thing, does in fact, lead to another.
So that you don't wake up one morning with regrets and self hate
ok to add another question which chapter and verse in the Bible specifically says that you shall not have sex before marriage because i have always had issues with this coz i feel like someone somewhere interpreted a verse etc to suit his.her beliefs of no sex before marriage and passed it on to the rest of us.....it's a bit like preachers interpreting "you shall reap what you sow" to be all about money when am very sur the Good Lord meant something like you sow kindness/love/hatred etc you reap kindness/love/hatred etc please help clarify this for me. thanks in advance
ReplyDeleteI found the combinition of these three scriptures a while back and thought it will help answer that question. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4, Hebrews 13:41 and Corinthians 7:2-3
DeleteThanks for sharing, Yellow Sisi
Delete@Ms Yellow Sisi, Thanks for sharing. Was going through in the bible now and I think that should read Hebrews 13:4 as the chapter has only 25 verses.
DeleteCheers
we Christians sometimes focus on technicalities & interpretation when all we need to do is flow with the spirit. Forget about what other people are doing. And sometimes too, to whom much is given, much is expected ie the tighter your waka with God, the more holiness required to maintain the tightness.
DeleteThere's no need to go back to the ex. Stay in your current relationship and together bring about the changes U̶̲̥̅̊ want. Ofcuz,these won't come overnight especially as emotions are involved.but nothing is impossible.
ReplyDeleteThis question is only I struggled with for a long time.
Myne this is one of the best posts iv read here.
Common sense says, No, do not go back to your ex, do not apologize to your ex - he CHEATED on you. The End. Nothing good can come of your opening a new discussion with him, and perhaps, being tempted into trying again.
ReplyDeleteRe: the sensual/sexual feelings you have - many churches teach different things, many individuals practice many different things. Follow your heart, follow your conscience - and if your church allows it, learn how to take the edge off in private.
I have heard there are studies that show there are emotional bondings made through the exchange of bodily fluids (which can include saliva & perspiration). If this is true, then even heavy make-out sessions can be one reason why we feel "connected" to such a person, and harder to make a break even if you realize you're not really suited for one another. On the other hand, when contemplating a long-term commitment, I can't imagine doing so with someone for whom I felt a brotherly affection, but little to no sparks.
Christian, Muslim, etc, all have the same challenges, one is not exempt for the human experience. What sets us apart is the choices we make and how we allow it to inform and transform who we become. The point is be true to yourself and your heart and see people for who they are and not who you would like them to be i.e. see what is, stay in the present and don't let what could be carry you away to the detriment of the SELF. Sound broad.....yes i suppose thats because most of life is subjective and fluid, it differs depending on who is experiencing and living it.
ReplyDeleteON ANOTHER NOTE:
I hope you and your husband are well.
Just wanted to let you know that I have selected you as a recepient of my award. Please stop by and pick it up.
Have blessed and loved weekend
Rhapsody
http://www.shelfari.com/rhapsodyphoenix
http://twitter.com/rhapsodyphoenix
Thanks a lot, coming over to get it.
DeleteAnonymous#2...The Church needs more men like you. God bless you!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous 2... 100%. And being a guy, I think he has said it all. If you are a christian like you say you are... I'd say trust God and follow your heart. My friend always says, "we say, "let God...let God", but we never really let God". So I say, let God for He never fails.
ReplyDeleteMyne, forgive me in advance for my looon reply :)
ReplyDelete1)At the start you mentioned that you would like to get married like your friends. Timing for everyone i different so, don't rush. I've found that many doctors tend to marry later than their peers(in general) due to the duration of medical school and horsemanship.
2) Can i just point out that it i not the fault of your first boyfriend for the kissing and cuddling you BOTH got involved in. From what you wrote it sounds like you were a willing party to it all. Saying other wise would imply that he forced himself on you which would be rape. If you consented to it it is not rape or molestation(as someone mentioned.
3)Being a christian is a very personal thing. Your conscience tells you that kissing or cuddling is wrong. The fact that boyfriend no 2 does not agree with that doesn't mean he is not a christian. You must follow what the holy spirit tells YOU and stop worrying about him. If you differ on such key issues then think strongly about whether you guy are suitable for each other
4) About kissing on the first night. You allowed him to kiss. First night, second night, 3 months down the line, it makes no difference. If believe it is wrong it, it is wrong whenever it happens
5) I am still trying to figure out why you want to go back to your ex. I can't seem to work it out so i'll say no more. As i often say:"The grass isn't greener on the other side, it only seems greener cuz the sunlight is shining on it!
I love long comments, please bring them on.
Deletewow! i like this post, so challenging and very fragile to touch...well, let me start with your ex, don't go back to him, he would still had cheated on you even if you agreed to have sex with him everyday.
ReplyDeleteLooking from the biblical angle, premarital sex is a sin, becox it defiles the temple which is our body. BUT, is pre-marital sex the ONLY sin in the bible? Yes, i know other sins are outside the body, but is sin not sin? He who breaks any of the ten commandment is guilty of breaking the other nine. Chris Oyakilome said masturbation is not a sin in itself, which brought an outcry including mine, but he was stating a fact: Many xtains masturbate so as to avoid the name fornicator But My bible teaches me that ALL our righteousness is like a filthy rag before GOD {isaiah 64:6}, and HE will punish us if we deny we have not sinned {Jeremiah 2:35}.
Ask yourself these questions: WHAT ARE THE QUALITIES YOU WANT IN YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND? Don't let having sex or not be the criteria for accepting a proposal or not... marriage entails more than that....DOES BEING UN-TOUCHED AUTOMATICALLY = A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE? OR NO PROBLEMS WOULD ARISE IN FUTURE?
As much as i want to appear spirit-filled / holy, i would like to be realistic and advise you to be careful and apply wisdom,becox some brothers are not 'ok' in the 'below department' and they would use 'church' and cover face, to deceive innocent ladies, only to find out the 'bitter-truth' on their wedding night, and it would be too late,and one would begin to suffer / endure in silence....so what am i saying? ...simple, IT IS BTW YOU AND GOD ONLY...not me or anyone else....the bible says everyone should work out his or her own salvation with trembling and fear and there is different measure of GRACE for everyone, according to one's faith.........simply go down on your knees and have a passionate talk with GOD,OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, HE knows our every thoughts and motive and action; i didn't say pray, but a heart-felt-talk, just as you will discuss with your own earthly father when an issue is bothering you, and you would be surprised by the outcome....am speaking from a personal experience...........
wish you the best and GOD'S GRACE ....this is one of the verses i do pray with:
None of us can see our own errors
Deliver me, LORD, from hidden faults
Keep me safe also from willful sins
Don't let them rule over me
Then i shall be perfect and free from the evil of sin {psalm 19:12}
Galatians 5:5 says:As for us, our hope is that GOD will put us right with HIM and this is what we wait for by the power of GOD'S SPIRIT working through our faith. ....shalom sistah.
Now I know who you are, welcome back!
Delete"some brothers are not 'ok' in the 'below department' and they would use 'church' and cover face, to deceive innocent ladies, only to find out the 'bitter-truth' on their wedding night, and it would be too late,and one would begin to suffer / endure in silence.."
DeleteLOL.....I love this lady. Too funny but it happens.
Ah! u have hit the nail on the head. As much as u wana remain spirit filled, pls do it with common sense and be as realistic as you can be without tripping up
DeleteWhao whao whao. This is the perfect thought to this issue. ol' boy, you rock jooor!
Delete"simply go down on your knees and have a passionate talk with GOD,OUR HEAVENLY FATHER, HE knows our every thoughts and motive and action; i didn't say pray, but a heart-felt-talk, just as you will discuss with your own earthly father when an issue is bothering you"
#gbam!
Brilliant!
Bankole
Its well...
ReplyDeleteI personally think that infidelity is wrong, so if it were me I would not go back to that ex. A partner who is not faithful does not deserve my love, much less my body.
ReplyDeleteIn the end, I think you shouldn't do anything that is uncomfortable for you. You don't have to get physical if you don't want to, and you should find someone who is willing to respect that wish.
-Wendy Lu
The Red Angel Blog
Myne...Thanks for this post I absolutely love reading everyone's responses and were very helpful.
ReplyDelete@Girl with the question - I think alot of people have answered this so well. My only 2 cents would be don't you feel guilty for what happened with you and your ex because it is absolutely not your fault and you should not scoop low to go back to him. Many comes our way for certain reasons and i'm sure he had his reasons too and ones the season was over he had to go and it is not you.
So many comments that make sense, I'm glad I came late.
ReplyDeleteI had similar struggles as a single girl and there were two things that helped me.
First, accountability. I had a couple of older women I talked to. I remember texting them "HELP! we are having a hard time keeping our hands off each other" at a point. They helped to keep me on track by reminding me why waiting was important.
Second, communication. We talked about why we wanted to wait. We made a list of what we stood to gain. When things heated up, we reminded ourselves of those things. It wasn't a walk in the park, but it was worth it.
One of the the things on our list was trust. We felt that if we could abstain, it would help us trust each other after we were married. It so happens that we spend long periods apart at the moment. The peace of mind that comes with trusting each other is priceless. While I know that it is not a guarantee for fidelity, knowing I was worth waiting for assures me of how valueable I am to him. I can trust that the God that helped us keep each other then can help us now.
Is keeping yourself difficult? Yes! Is it impossible? No! If anything, it is not popular and you will get mocked for it. Just know why it is important to you and be with a person who has the same values as you. It is worth it.
You're going to spend lots and lots (and lots and lots) of time making love after you're married, you'll wonder why it seemed like such a big deal before.
Remember, true love waits.
All the best
xxx
Another "Gbam" comment :)
DeleteI think having older mentors is a good practical step to help.
Also not sitting behind closed doors ALL the time...that is a very conducive environment to start doing all sorts.
Myne, this is one of the best and educative posts I have read on this blog. A lot of singles need help on this topic...
Many heads are indeed better than one. Thanks, Aloted.
DeleteI just realised that after leaving a comment longer than the post (which I honestly didn't mean to & I apologise for), I didn't actually address your questions.
ReplyDeleteIs it ok for him to want to kiss and touch you as a "Spirit filled brother"?
Yes. Being born again does not make your desires go away. If anything, they are more intense because unlike people who don't think sex is special and should be kept within marriage as the scriptures say, you have to hold it all in. Picture yourself guzzling a drink after a fast. Yeah, guzzling :o)
The issue is not wether he wants to. He should want to. If he doesn't want to, that is a BIG problem! Please run!
The issue is what he CHOOSES to do. You're not abstaining from sex cos you don't want to. Well, I'm assuming you're like me cos I wanted to and I want to and... Wait how did my cravings become the topic here *scratches head* hahahaha
Seriously tho, thinking that being born again kills your desires is the reason we get into so much trouble. Long cold night, man and woman with raging hormones, physically attracted to each other... I doubt that prayer will be the main activity... 1st Thessalonians 5:22 1st Corinthians 6:12 Why do you think Joseph ran and left his coat? Lemme just go before Myne blocks me for trying to build a house in her comments section :o)
His grace is sufficient for us.
I love this your house o, very down to earth.
Deleteyes o ... Joseph left his coat behind because he was a virile man - as we saw down the line by his ability to have children. We Christians have emotions and desires too but we are called to a higher responsibility.
DeleteAll good and wise comments.
ReplyDeleteI will ask you is your heart at peace? Are you at peace with yourself and with God?
That will help you determine whether it is right or wrong.
As a christian who got married 15yrs ago it was tough then as it is now but we got help from older and wiser couples in our life and are better for it. we are the best of friends and we are also at peace with God. Talk with you fiance and pray about EVERYTHING. and try not to spend time alone in an enclosed place......the bible says not even a hint of sexual immorality Eph 5;3.
ps.. ex is a no-no, he cheated and can still cheat
Myne!!! This blog is now certified "Romance Meets Life" by me...LOL...cos this is a interesting topic for the "young folks" that i have been wanting to ask. The comments have been really helpful too. Let me continue reading :)
ReplyDeleteHahaha...thanks, dear.
DeleteWowzer. Tough call right here! Far as I can tell, there may not be a perfect human answer to that. My old pastor always said "no matter how sweet, spit it out once the spirit says so". He didn't even believe in casual dating - as it were. *coughs*
ReplyDeleteGuess the fact that she always felt bad afterwards means her spirit doesn't agree with it. In that case, words will fail to change anything. Your spirit, your guide. Anyone remembers the story of the young and old prophets?
That said, I've got to say I totally praise her stand. And, despite my not-so-glorious history with those things, I'll borrow (half) a leaf from her when I finally decide to take life seriously.
Imisi!!! LOL! You crack me up as always!
DeleteVery educative post and I agree with many of the comments especially Anonymous 2.
I'll just add that you should spend time to erect proper standards and boundaries before you begin another relationship so you don't find yourself back to square one.
Truth is am in a similar case. Am in my early 20s, and i av known this dude since i was 18. at first we never got to do anything, but after spending like 4 years together, let's be real a little stuffs start becoming part of the equation. at first it was just a kiss, then from there one thing or the other except penetration. i won't deny i don't get to like it, i do but after that i find it difficult to pray, i tend to blank God cos am ashamed of what i have done. but how do i stop this? Funny enough e thinks we should have sex, it makes us closer, brings about a bond, but in truth in as much as i enjoy fondling and stuff, i know am not making God happy, so how do i stop myself before stopping him?
ReplyDeletesex (in such situations) doesn't make you closer. it creates an illusion. you know what, maybe you can listen to some of pastor bimbo odukoya's message. she explains these things clearly, her messages are really empowering. one thing we have to first realize is that these feelings are normal. we are physiological beings despite being Christians so when we are stimulated, we will respond.So we have to learn to avoid stimuli.
DeleteAnd that starts from the inside. It helps to articulate why exactly you want to abstain from sex. Don't do it because bro this and sis this are abstaining or because your pastor said to. For all you know, they could all be doing it behind closed doors.
when you articulate it, then you are in the right direction
oh and i wanted to add, in the spirit of being real, that we might fail at it several times until the holy spirit enables us to get our bearings right. However, dust yourself up and re-purpose yourself. And i think it's physically impossible to do without the help of the holy spirit.
Deleteno amount of logical reasoning as to the benefits of abstinence will help a full-blooded man with a naked, nubile young woman standing in front of him. With potiphar's wife, joseph fled, leaving his coat behind.
I just stumbled on your blog....interesting post and comments!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this Ministry Myne...*winks* It's blessing my life.
ReplyDeleteeveryone has said a bit of what i wanted to say. Haven been in a similar situation, i know how it works. however, there is no other remedy for it than going back to God, drawing close to him. unfortunately, what happens in such situations is that the devil uses it to create a schism between us and God. You do all these unholy things and you feel ashamed to get back to praying to God. Meanwhile, all he wants is for us to come back to him. But we don't - we hide away and because of this separation, it becomes easier for sin to creep in unnoticed.
ReplyDeletedon't go back to your ex. at all. before u sit down with your current boyfriend, articulate your reasons for wanting to abstain. read scriptures that back it up ( i say this bcos u asked if it was right or wrong). you asked about myne and atala - no no no - don't model your life on someone else's. model your life on what God wants. yes myne could advice you, i get that.
after articulating your reasons, purpose that you are going to strive to achieve it (don't despair if u fail at first, God is faithful & just to forgive). then sit with your boyfriend and invite him to hop on the bandwagon. you need his help but you also really don't cos if he will be the right arm that will sin, cut him off. God will give you a better man than you can imagine. invite him to join on the bandwagon - allow him time to go do his own soul-searching if needed. God will see you through. REMEMBER THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND IS NOT THE ONE TO TELL YOU WHETHER IT IS RIGHT OR NOT - YOU CALL THE SHOTS - IT'S YOUR SALVATION AND IT'S YOUR BODY.
closeness doesn't come by sex. closeness comes by building a solid foundation of friendship that will last you through the years.
(Have read only a few of the comemnts so far)@Anonymous No1. and Ema Leecious: Gbam.
ReplyDeleteThese are partinent questions. Even at 40 and single, I wonder exactly what I should do when 'this guy' shows up...I think we ought to listen to the men as they are more 'vulnerable', I believe it is possible to abstain, from even the kissing. I tend to think its the same way God says dont lie, dont steal etc...I hope this poor young girl finds the right answer. At least she's cried out 'HELP!'
Oh, by the way, Myne...you always do it but you have done it this time!!!
ReplyDeleteWe need to get many more people to read this particular post and the very down-to-earth commetns. I give kudos to the men in the house!
....No comment!!!...there nothing more to add to the comments above..anonymous et all have said it all!!
ReplyDeleteWhy spend nights with someone yet you do not want him to be intimate with you. That is creating the right atmosphere for sin and the guy is made of flesh just like you; what he sees stimulates him. You expect him to be on the same bed with you but not touch you? That is not realistic. As Christians we must be ready to go with God's standards, not what is popular or seems to be right. Tha fact that you're bothered about it shows that the Holy Spirit is convicting you and it will do you good to heed his voice. When it comes to sexual sin, the Bible tells us to FLEE (I Cor 6:18-20)because our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. Also I Cor 7:1-2 says it is not good for a man to touch a woman but to avoid temptation, get married. God never said His way would be easy so you have to choose between obeying God or giving in to your flesh.
ReplyDelete@all,well said. @Mayne, i ve bn blessed by dis writeup. I use to think i was d only one in dis kind of situation, but now i'm convinced, and i see it pays to wait.....GOD help me.
ReplyDeleteThis has been an amazing read. Myne, we need more of these (well i guess that'll depend on people sending you problems sha)
ReplyDeleteWhere was I when this party was going down?
ReplyDeleteWow! Reading this, I wish I could unmake sooooo many mistakes but then if I had not done the things I did,I probably wouldn't understand a lot of things I do today and wouldn't doing what I do on my blog. Let's face it, sex before marriage is wrong! wrong! wrong! Don't tempt yourself by even spending a lot of time together in secluded areas talk less of spending the night together! Myne, this was enlightening! Hope the sender has taken note of all this o!
ReplyDeleteI wish i learnt all i have read here earlier, i was in your shoes for a long time...until it happened! Ans i felt cheated, angry and even contemplated suicide because i felt i have sinned against God, myself and all of creation. ( An overreaction now i guess). The truth is my bf still loves me, i will never blame him, we went too far too many times and after almost 5 years, we went the whole way. Let me tell you the tragedy now..he proposed and i cannot say yes, why? I dont think he will ever respect me, we are both committed Christians with pastoral positions, also, the necking and fondling didnt allow us notice aspects of ourselves that seems so irreconcilable now. With the benefit of hindsight, i will say that if we had tried to focus on building a godly relationship, we would have had a great relationship and probably,i will be the most excited young woman right now. But for now, i cannot even bear to think of marriage to him or anyone. I know i am being hard on myself, but i cannot just help how i feel. So, i will advise, stop before it is too late and dnt go playing the victim, accept your part in the physical acts, repent and move on. I think i need to take this advice too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Myne for your blog, wished i found it months ago.
Hi Myne, I just stumbled on your blog and the story is so true! The comments are very helpful. The problem is i am a 27 year old young spinster who grew up wanting to get married a virgin but i lost my virginity along the line at 24. Presently am so confused cos after being sexually active for a while i stopped and held back for a year plus. Right now am involved with someone and things seem to be going beyond my control. I feel like i've lost my conscience or its dead and am wondering how to retrace my steps. Do i kip asking for forgiveness and still end up committing the same sin? Right now i feel God is feed up with me and my sins! After all to whom much is given much is expected and i have failed in my part as someone who knew all these things and still failed!!!
ReplyDeleteWow!best piece ever.ad to jus leave a comment.dis hs really bn a blessn to me.am currently n a similar situation.Bn wantin 2 write myne buh dint gather enuf courage.now av bn able 2 pik practical steps in dealing wit my situation.Kudos to d lady in questn n tenk u myne n all who commented.God bless u.
ReplyDeleteA lot of person have gone far to address this issue. Thank you all. You need d guidiance from the holy spirit. Being a christian means accepting Jesus as ur saviour and Lord, living a Christ like life, studying the bible, attending fellowships and being truthful to urself first. Ask for understanding when ur confused(James 1:5-8) u will get it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had this type of advice before I started my life has a girl and now that am married I would have been a priced possession for my husband that I was an untouched vigin.At times when I and my hubby goes out I feel I will run into an ex.All these long story I have expressed is just to butress the point that girls should run away from premarital sex.
ReplyDeleteWawoo I'm so excited.I 've been blessed by dis writeup,bcos im in a similar situation right now.My dear use any advice given 2 u wisely 4 it's one word of advice dat one needs 2 give a wise man.
ReplyDeleteNow I know this situation goes both ways. Someone mentioned Joseph in the Bible. The guy ran for his peace with God. In our days, many don't wait to be tempted of the devil; they'ed rather tempt the devil & blame him for their woes afterwards. The bible asks: can you hold hot coals in your bossom & not be burned?
ReplyDeleteAs a guy, Virile, handsome & established, born again & Holy Spirit filled, I often find myself defending myself from & avoiding girls who were willing to sacrifice themselves on the altar of sex. Whether they claim to be sisters or no. It hurts my pride as a guy to be so defensive like a woman. Knowing fully well how I would have loved to devour them but for GOD.
But the Bible talks about Jesus in Hebrews 12:2-3 as One Who for the Joy set before Him, endured the Cross, despising its Shame & is now sitting at the right hand of the Throne of God.
Wake up from your slumber little girl & define your territory like a dignified woman that you are. & stop thinking of selling yourself cheap to any wolf with or without sheep's clothing.
My girl girl has taught how to wait for the right time. Guys always want to open the package before the right time. The package will ever be your...You are still gonna rock for very very long time. so why the rush.
ReplyDeleteIt is CRITICAL you have the same point of view ad your spouse. My wife (girl friend it 9 years before marriage) wanted to wait so badly....I waited with her cos she was my best friend and I loved her to bits
ReplyDeleteYet I slept with another friend of mine who was willing to go the whole 9 yards before I got married BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO HAVE SEX and 9 years was a long time to stay celibate considering we were uust kids when we met. Its the only time I've ever cheated on my wife and it has had a devastating impact on our marriage because I eventually told her. Every time she'll say, so why did I waste my life keeping it all for you. But truth is, we had differing perspectives - I didn't care so much about 'keeping it for me'. My point is if your man isn't on the same wavelength, he'll sleep around even if he likes you.