We were watching Arnold Schwarznegger on 60minutes and he was talking about the breakup of his marriage and how he regretted his actions. One of us, an older Nigerian woman, was not aware of the story so I brought her up to date. She was surprised that Arnold's wife had asked for a divorce, and felt she shouldn't have. For her, a child outside the marriage was not reason enough for divorce. In the discussion, I came away with the following insight about Nigerian marriages.
- Some women get married without really knowing the man they are entering into it with
- Some women would rather separate from their cheating/lying/irresponsible husband than divorce him
- Some Nigerian women believe their children would be taken away from them if they leave their broken marriage. I don't know if this is true.
- Some women believe they will be left financially out in the cold in the event of a divorce, more painful if they've contributed substantial finances - in cash or kind - to the marriage. I understand their fears.
- Some women are scared of losing their children's support and love if they divorce their father and leave them behind, either as children or as adults
- Some couples live in the same house but lead largely separate lives
-Some women would prefer to show a smiling face to the public and secretly bear abuse and a disgrace of a husband than admit their problems and seek help from family or friends.
- Some women will say they are staying so the children will continue being supported by their father, but even when child support is guaranteed, they will remain.
- Most older, married Nigerian women will advise younger women who come to them for help to remain in a dysfunctional marriage without practical solutions except maybe bear it.
- Most women remain in a dysfunctional or abusive marriage largely for status reasons. That Mrs title...
- It's really all messed up.
As you can imagine, even though I appreciated the insight, I wasn't very happy after the discussion. But after writing this, I feel better now. I know with education, we are doing better. Also as more women enter the judiciary/legislature and reform Nigerian family laws, we will continue to do even better.
What are your own thoughts and observations?
I don't know why anyone would want to remain in a marriage where he has been seeing your maid for years under your nose. Such disrespect!!
ReplyDeleteHowever, the whole process of divorce is difficult and divorcees are stigmatized to some extent in Nigeria. So I understand why some women will remain. I think that's one major reason why some people stay married. That, in addition to the fear of losing a life where you can travel anywhere or buy whatever you want.
Hi,
DeleteCan you explain what you mean by ''That, in addiion to the fear of losing a life where you can travel anywhere or buy whatever you want''. I am from Canada and here there is no judgment if you get a divorce. A divorce is painful enough so it must be very difficult to be judge on top of it. I am curious to know because I have family in Nigeria butI never traveled to Nigeria.
Thank you
It is me again,
DeleteI just want to add that even if we don't have negative judgments about divorce woman here in Canada, we have plenty of negative judgments about other issues that Nigerian people don't probably have. The world is the same everywhere. We should learn from each other. thanks.
I couldn't agree more with you Myne.
ReplyDeleteI will never advise any woman in a troubled, unhappy or abusive marriage to seek help from an older Nigerian woman (who is likely to tell them to 'endure' and end up unhappy, miserable and with low self esteem like her), a Pastor (who is very likely to tell them to pray, as if only prayers will solve the problem) a Priest or any 'religious leader' to be sincere. I detest those dangerous, damaging go-back-and-pray-for-him and/or think-about-your-children theories that have cost many Nigerian women their happiness and sometimes their lives.
Some of my relatives live in the same house with their spouses, putting up brave faces to the world, lying to themselves, because everyone knows that their marriages have fallen apart, that they live separate lives.
All the points you listed in your post are true, but I've learned that one of the major reasons why Nigerian women stay in unhappy marriages is the fear of losing the coveted "Mrs" title and the fear of what people will say. Many Nigerians - men and women alike - live in the shadow of other people's judgment.
The older, married women do not help matters at all. Although I understand that they belong to a different generation, that things were different in their day, that back then Nigerian women weren't as financially empowered as they are today, I find their attitude in matters of marriage more destructive than helpful.
Recently a friend called her aunt to say she had been promoted at work. As soon as she said, "Aunty guess what? I -", her aunt immediately began to sing and say "Imela, Imela, I knew God would send a man to you this year! I just knew it! Imela Chineke..." She went on and on, barely giving my friend a chance to speak, until my friend finally said, "Aunty, I've been promoted at work. That's why I called. I didn't call to tell you I'm getting married." My friend 'felt' her aunt's disappointment through the phone. "Congrats sha," her aunt said. "But I hope you give me the kind of news I want to hear next time oh!" It would have been amusing if it weren't so disturbing and disgusting.
My said friend's sister is going through a divorce with her abusive husband. Their entire family is enraged - they just found out he had been physically and verbally abusive to her. She hid it from them for five years. They're all rallying around her, providing the necessary emotional and financial support in this difficult time, yet here is my friend's aunt, putting pressure on my friend to get married. With the current crisis in their family, you'd think she would reason sensibly.
Sadly we live in a society where a young, single woman of 29 is considered old, where people feel that women above a certain age shouldn't celebrate birthdays, job promotions or academic achievements if they aren't married.
Things are changing. But we still have a long way to go, to break this cycle of misinformation and stereotype. This is one topic that's dear to me so pardon my long reply. I'm glad you wrote about this Myne, I really am.
I HAD THE SAME EXPERIENCE WITH MY MUM...THE ONLY NEWS THAT WILL EXCITE HER NOW IS HEARING AM GETTING MARRIED...
DeleteMy Sis! Great insight you have established here...I like the Nigerian woman's approach to avoid divorce, but then there should be a balance. If you're not going to leave that Man, what are you gonna do? Fold your arms and watch as the marriage crumbles eventually? I cannot give rules/advice to take on what can make a marriage work as I have never been married(I have read, watched and observed a lot of things about marriages, but it doesn't make me an authority though)but i'd be happier to see women & men make extra efforts to make it work. People give up too easily these days...but then before you get into one, LOOK before you LEAP!
ReplyDeleteRE: 'I know with education, we are doing better. Also as more women enter the judiciary/legislature and reform Nigerian family laws, we will continue to do even better..........
ReplyDeleteI disagree because I see so many young educated girls who are marriage crazy and willing to take sh*t from a young man - especially if he comes from a wealthy family or he's doing well.
Women are often their own worst enemies....How many times do you see men ostracising a man because he divorced his wife? Same cant be said for women who are often so judgmental, they shun women who choose the leave their husbands.
I cant count the number of times I have seen/ heard a Nigerian woman seeking advice regarding how to deal with an errant husband ....and the advice she usually gets from other women is 'Be patient and pray' *hisssssssssssssss*
Hopefully, those that are going into family law do not have the same kind of mentality as the older generations. I agree with everything stated here....100 percent.
ReplyDeleteMyne you are so right thank God for our generation that is bold enough to walk out of such marriages we may be few but at least we are setting an example for our daughters/nieces and other young ladies who may face a similar situation in the future. One of my close cousins once mentioned that she would never tell us if her husband was physically abusing her for fear of being talked about in the family that really bothered me and i had to send her various blog posts of various battered women all i told her in addition to these posts was i am not ready to bury you.
ReplyDeleteIt's a normal 'nigerian' reaction or way of handling marriages. 'Nevr leave no matter how badly you are being treated' wives are advised to endure til thy kingdom come just to bear the title 'wife' it's crazy.
ReplyDeletewww.thatssewnaija.blogspot.com
It is a problem of all african countries! Women are told to stay and bear all sorts of abuse in a marriage, because it is a shame to divorce! Mostly it is the fault of our cultures and of the churches, I believe!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.finest-in-internet.com/
Some perceptions are borne out of fear and limiting beliefs. the fear of unknown, the fear of being judged and criticised... It is sad though.
ReplyDeleteI think your final paragraph summarized it exceptionally... Women are gaining power and knowledge daily.. but with the so many years of tradition and culture and what is expected will be very hard to break AND clear away...With time..
ReplyDelete:-)
The Bible does not permit divorce so, every woman should know what they want in a spouse for life. A woman should therefore use this right wisely. If this is the case, she would always make up easily even after some knotty experience.
ReplyDeleteThe bible permits divorce if a spouse is cheating!
DeleteIts all for the status joo.
ReplyDeleteI used to think i was the only one that noticed such things but more and more i'm coming across others. When i think about this topic, i think about the story of the Emperor's new clothes. Too many marriages have 'no clothes' and instead of most people to speak the truth, they try to convince the rest of us that this is completely normal.
ReplyDeleteStand Tall is very right when she talks about fear and limiting beliefs. I find that this absolute bar against divorce that is so common can become very oppressive. I feel that a lot of people take 'for better, for worse' as licence to behave however in a marriage and i strongly disagree with this attitude. I don't take divorce lightly but i also don't believe that every relationship must be made to continue at all costs.
I was reading the blog of a bishop's wife who is about to be divorced (according to online news). The pain in her posts was so raw. At no point did i see any reference to joy or happiness in marriage. Everything was about suffering, holding on and managing. Yet people in this situation will insist strongly against divorce. Which makes me wonder: is it easier to live like that than to accept the possibility that your marriage ending is not the end of your life?
I really hope things are changing because as far as i am concerned, life is too short to live in a prison of your own making.
I'm sorry to be rude but Afoke, you don't make sense
ReplyDeleteit happens with oyinbo women too o ... it's just that the reasons are different. Loneliness is a lonely road that no-one wants to walk alone
ReplyDeleteYou are soo right about the reasons many stay in bad marriages. i dont however agree that things are changing, The rush to marry is even worse now cause the younger generation can see that being 'single has not exactly empowered most of their spinster aunties'. I do notice that more are unwilling to stay in bad marriages bot how I wish they will pay more caution at the 'before marriage' to the 'after marriage'.
ReplyDeleteAs for women in law, please WHERE ARE THEY? I am not feeling them oo.
I do not believe that this is a phenomenon that is unique to Nigerians or Africans. Here in the US, women of all races can choose to stay with a cheating husband rather than going through a divorce for a variety of reasons. I guess it all comes to deciding between taking the imperfect man "as is" or possibility of being all by yourself. Honestly, the stigma is just an excuse and a thing of the past.
ReplyDeleteWHAT YOU DO NOT HAVE, YOU CANNOT GIVE.
ReplyDeleteI undertook a research on the sources of happiness, and relationship was one of the answers that came to bear. My revelation on relation showed me that the subject has got 3 parts which are:-
- Pre-Relationship
- Relationship and
- Post-relationship
The pre is the foundation laying stage, where an individual is expected to get to know the subject, its basics, fundamentals and approach
The relationship itself is when we embark on a journey of an unfamiliar terrain, where our feeling, emotions, love and lust dominates our actions and inaction's
The post aspect of a relationship is the time for stock taking after a few years into the marriage, a time to take stock of our strengths and weaknesses, a time to add more value to our strengths and work our weaknesses.
From the above, we can easily deduct that anyone who do not take time to lay a proper foundation for his/her relationship is prone to many ill-acts. The Pre which is the most important stage is what we often ignored the most. A building with a poor foundation is definitely going to fall.
It’s a tale of an individual who has not discovered him/her real self, who do not know what he/she really want in a relationship, going to be joined with one of same class, this for me is putting 2 time bombs together and waiting for the day of explosion.
Not to bore you too much, Self discovery is the key to a successful relationship.
If an individual can take time to get to a point of discovering him/her self, it will then be easy to some extent to be able access whoever is coming our way.
If you can’t access and evaluate yourself at intervals, then you can’t and will not be able to access some other persons.
olanreolan@gmail.com
I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD HOW "MRS" IS A STATUS SYMBOL TO A NAME....NEVER SEEN IT CHANGE THE FORTUNES OR ATTITUDE OF A ONCE "MISS"....IF I BECOME A "MRS" TODAY WILL I GET A PROMOTION.....NO. WILL MY SALARY BE INCREASED.....NO. WILL THE PUMP ATTENDANT AT THE GAS STATION GIVE ME PRIORITY AND DISCOUNT MY FUEL....NO. WILL MY BOSS AT WORK RESPECT ME MORE....NO. WILL CARS STOP ON THE ROAD SO I CAN CROSS ONCE THEY SEE MY FLASHNG RING....NO.
ReplyDeleteI CAN GO ON AND ON....WOMEN SHOULD GET THEIR PRIORITIES IN LINE....MARRY FOR THE RIGHT REASONS AND TO THE RIGHT PERSON....NOT FOR SOME PHAMTOM TITLE...
Misery loves company and to confide in a woman who is in a not so perfect marriage would only get you bad advice.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I would not divorce him either depending on the circumstances. I can't honestly begrudge a crime that happened 14 years ago unless if it was a repeat offense or he was unrepentant. Unless we were having other issues frankly, I could probably get over it.
That said, I think its a woman thing cos even American women hang onto their baby daddys without the yoke of marriage. They endure beatings and multiple infidelity and claim to be standing by their men.
Now, I cannot live with abuse of any kind physical or emotional and so if he is a good husband and good father, multiple indiscretions is abuse in itself but if a child out of wedlock is his only crime; I could let it go.
I'm sorry but this comment just threw me in for a loop:
Delete'Misery loves company and to confide in a woman who is in a not so perfect marriage would only get you bad advice.'
As much as I agree that one should always be careful and discreet about who one confides in...do you really imagine that there is ANY marriage out there that is 'not so perfect'? Really? Sometimes it is the people who have gone through bad things that can empathize and give you the best advice so that you avoid the mistakes they made.
Anybody that feigns perfection in her marriage is a pretender at best and delusional at the worst.
Those are all very familiar reasons: I have heard them myself. I was even once told by a married friend that 'it is better to have a useless husband than not have one at all'. (I disagree but that's besides the point). I personally do not think God created me to suffer and be abused by another human being. I don't. What about the strong woman of Proverbs 31? What about the countless women who held their own over history? Nigerian traditions do not help in the matter of marital discord, especially as it seems that in this society the entire brunt of the success or failure of a marriage is borne by the woman. And Lord help you if your marriage fails: it's 'your fault'.
ReplyDelete