Hi Myne, I know this is not the type of mails you usually receive, and I hope you and your readers will not judge me. I will be 25 years old later this year, and I’ve been engaged for almost a year now to my wonderful fiance and we live together and are sexually active. We live in the UK. We were both born Christians but not really overly religious or anything, so that’s not a factor. However, he does not know about my sexuality, that is, that I'm also attracted to women.
When he proposed to me, I accepted it without thinking too much about it. I"ve done a lot of growing up in the past one year, I graduated Uni, we moved in together six months ago, now I understand more what it means to make a lifetime commitment. Don't get me wrong, I love my fiance very much. He’s my best friend and knows me better than anyone else. He would make an incredible husband as we get along very well and rarely fight.. But at the same time, I don’t feel I should go ahead and get married to him, especially if he doesn't know I'm bisexual.
How do I know I'm bisexual? I'm sure some people reading can guess. It is the usual, I went to an all girls boarding school in Nigeria and before I completed secondary school, I had two female lovers. The first was a senior who taught me all about it. I won't say she corrupted me because I was already sexually attracted to some other girls in my school before she made her move. The second was my classmate, we drifted together, or I toasted her, and we were together till we graduated. We lost contact when I moved to the UK.
Back to my fiance, and getting married. I feel I haven’t had enough time to experience life on my own and to sure of myself and my sexuality. I've dated one other guy and one white girl since moving to the UK, but the girl was lesbian and couldn't understand that I also felt an attraction to men also. Soon after we broke up, I met my fiance. We've been together for three years now.
He is five years older than me and very ready to settle down. He’s very serious about getting married in December as we have planned and does not have any second thoughts. His job is the type where it helps if he's married. Not that I think that's his reason for wanting to marry him, but it does make me feel bad about wanting to break it up with him. I don’t know what to do.
To make things even more difficult for me, my fiance is planning for us to return to Nigeria within a year or two after getting married. At this point, I'm not sure I want to buy a house, have kids, or move to the suburbs, all the things that married people do, not to talk of returning to Nigeria. For someone like me, that country is very restrictive, and can be dangerous too.
I love my fiance so much, but the more he talks about our marriage and future plans, the more I feel I should leave him. What do you think? Is this just normal cold feet? How can you leave someone you love so much? I really need some advice; I need to come to a decision before the wedding preparations really take off.
Thank you.
Confused Girl
Mmm, tough one.
ReplyDeleteI'd say not to marry him just because you don't even want to move back to Nigeria and the rest of it.
As far as being bisexual... I've heard of women who lead 2 separate lives here. My best friend (a guy) was once involved with a girl in PH, whose married lover (a woman) would visit her regularly from Lagos. I'm a Christian though, and as such, I don't agree with that lifestyle - no offense.
In summary, I wouldn't advise that you go ahead with the marriage.
I have 1 very simple advice for those intending to get married: If you have a concern/reservation that is great enough for you to feel the need to discuss it with a 3rd party, U have no business getting married. And something as big as sexuality...2 options: Tell him before the wedding or Call of the wedding. Its not fair to either of U as U'll never be truly happy & he'll be getting less than he ought.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that this is bothering you, already shows that something is WRONG! Marrying without telling him is living a LIE and the sad part is it will eventually come out. So you have to take that bold step and do the right thing by telling him.. Also you have to really sit down and dig deep into yourself and decide what you really want. Being a Married bisexual had it's own share of troubles that will live on. At the end you have to decide what you want for your future... Kids? Marriage? and how that fits into your present situation, but whatever you do, think with your head and not your emotion
ReplyDeleteThere seem to be two different issues here. (1) You're not ready to be married and (2) You're bisexual and he doesn't know it. Any of the above reasons is good enough to not get married. It's pretty cut and dry to me.
ReplyDeleteIf you don't think you should be getting married and if your partner doesn't know you're bisexual, then don't get married. It won't be fair to you or him.
Simply put!
DeleteI say marry him if you want to, after all you say you love him. There are bisexual women who marry and it doesn't seem like you plan on having a lover on the side. In a country like Nigeria where women are all assumed to be straight and there is a huge pressure on everyone to get married, lesbian and bisexual women generally do not have a choice. This is why they may have a man on the side (for society) and a woman too (for themselves!). It is honestly a survival tactic, so in a partial response to the anon above there's someone here who doesn't judge and agrees with that lifestyle. You're not in Nigeria at the moment so do what you want to do, not what you *have* to do, or what you feel you need to do due to outside pressures.
ReplyDelete(I have to object as you seem to believe that gay and lesbian women can't somehow survive in Nigeria. UK can be restrictive and dangerous too.)
I dont think your sexuality is an issue here. Whether straight or gay, once a person has decided to commit to someone else they do it. Now will they be attracted to someone else in future? Definitely, but the commitment made to the partner or spouse makes most people not to act out on the attraction to the new person. In most cases the attraction dies out. That is life. we will always find other people attractive whether we are married or not.
ReplyDeleteNow for you to have concerns about marring your fiance shows you are not fully committed to him or do not love him as much as you think you do. Because if you were not bisexual you would not be afraid that you will fall in love with another guy.
My second opinion (am just putting it out there) have you considered the fact that you might just be a Lesbian not bisexual, thus afraid that you are getting married to a man?
If it doesnt bother you too much you can still go ahead and marry him it seems like you really do love him and please DO NOT TELL HIM. Nigerian men cant deal with things like that. And he will never trust you with any of your friends.
Wise comment!!!I hope 'confused gal' reads dis.
Delete^^^ I agree. Wise comment. One thing though, go on a solo vacation and find out what your sexuality is. Straight, bisexual, or lesbian. Please don't break up your own happy home with this demonic confusion. Your doubts are normal and all part of the courtship process.
DeleteMy dear, I think u shud tell him to avoid unnecessary complications later on. U luv him n obviously,he loves u too,so y wud u lie to him. Tell him b4 d marriage preparations set of fully
ReplyDeletehmmm.... very complicated.Turn the tables around and imagine you finding out your fiance is gay. i can imagine how you would feel.
ReplyDeleteThat said, i really think he deserves to know. If you truly love him, you would feel worse if he walks innocently into this deceit. I would advice you let him know about it and if he can live with it, fine. If not, he would appreciate the fact that you were truthful about it, if not now but later in the future.
I think this is normal cold feet about marriage, and you're complicating it with your sexuality. I suggest you relax your mind, and remember why you said yes in the first place. But tell him you're attracted to other women, he needs to know. Make it jokingly but put it out there.
ReplyDeleteI feel like the issue here is more than your sexuality. You say 'the more he talks about plans for the future, the more you feel like breaking up'..seems to be like you still would love to be free, experience life a bit and not have to talk about kids, moving to the surburban british community not to mention Nigeria!
ReplyDeleteAnd things r further complicated by your bisexual experiences. I would say do not get married YET. Definitely not by dec, it won't be fair to him. U shd talk to him, if he is your best friend as you say, u shd be able to find a way to...I feel for u cos it surely won't be easy!
You should tell him girl. What if you were straight and you found out two years into your marriage that your husband was bisexual. It opens up numerous questions like "what else is he keeping from me?". Asides from that, if you feel reluctant to marry yet you go ahead, trust me that love will turn sour very quickly.
ReplyDeleteThere r questions u shd ask yourself..have u been attracted to a chic while you've been with him? Do u still have urges that I feel only a woman can satisfy? Do u feel like u might need to act them out? Be with another woman or do u just feel guilty cos there's a part of u the one person who shd know everything does not? When u r having sex, do u think about a woman and how a woman might have done one thing or another better?
ReplyDeleteFact is, after marriage, one can still find a person (man or woman) sexually attractive..the truth commitment lies in not acting out / following through on that attraction! Tell him and tell him also if you love him enough to want to spend the rest of your life with him. He's the one person you shd be vulnerable with so I go with tell him. It might also be a good time to talk abt ur feeling about the plans for the Nigerian move! In my experience, the talking always solves half the problem
P:S-- the talk might keep coming up ( read- he would keep bringing it up) over several days until he completely understands and digests every facet of it. So be prepared.
I have to agree with what an Anon said earlier up there that this is normal cold feet about marriage, complicated by the sexuality issue. Let me also add that he needs to know just for the sake of full disclosure because marriage will involve keeping each other honest and he has a right to know what to look out for to know when things are not right with your relationship when those times arise or who and who to protect you from. Secondly, unless you have decided already that you will cheat on him during this marriage, then the sexuality issue will die naturally simply because your marriage vow forbids you to cheat whether with a man or another girl. Question is, do you love this guy enough to let him decide your sexuality for life?
ReplyDeleteHaving said this, my 'church mind' compels me to add again that homosexuality is not of God, no matter what we think and how liberal we feel about it (I for one am very very very liberal about this issue but for my Bible standards) you should get the right attitude towards that first and work towards dealing with it. Then you both can move on from there.
I'm going to take the spiritual high ground here, sexual deviancy of any sort is a sin. You actually need deliverance from this evil spirit that came into you in sec. Sch. Its a pity though it isn't your fault, but it would be wrong to marry your best friend under false pretences.
ReplyDeleteBook an appointment in the Synagogue Church of All Nations & let God set you free.
I am not taking any spiritual high ground. Do not marry him until you sort out your own sexuality issues. Marriage is not the solution to this problem. You will not be hurting anyone but yourself. The God who sees everything and gives to all of us accordingly will let your fiancé come out of this fire (and fire is what this matter is ) without the smell of smoke if you go ahead and marry him knowing full well you engage in sexual relations with women. Sex is arguably the most important issue in marriage. It is what strengthens or weakens the bond between man and woman. What kind of marriage do you think you are ever going to have when the foundation is not only cracked but wide open? My dear, advise yourself. Your desires for women will only get stronger after you marry because that is how the devil works. He will do everything to make sure your relations with a man fails. Knowing what you know, put the marriage on hold. SORT YOURSELF OUT and then marry only when you know you have overcome attraction to women or at least are confident you can fight it. Find the root cause of your attraction and deal with it. Here is a link to a website on homosexuality that you might find helpful. Browse the website . There are many articles you might relate to. http://www.exodusglobalalliance.org/controlthelaststrongholdoflesbianismp20.php
ReplyDeleteFirst and formost u need to break away from that spiritual bondage because their is nothing like bisexual and those stuff.God created man and when he found out that man couldn't live alone he made a" WOMAN” a help meet for man.( A help meet in all ramification).Feeling an attraction for a fellow woman is Bad.I do advice u meet a Pastor to help u out.I went to a girls boarding school so don't think I don't know what am saying.The second advice I will give u is that u should be ready for marriage. From the look of things u are nt ready to settle down.Because marriage involves a lot of things other than love.And pls don't fail to tell him about ur Past mistakes(the bisexual stuff). He could be of help to U. Gudluck dear
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Its either this girl went to vivian fowler or queens college .. i went to one of them so yeah i know.. Honestly i dont know why parents send their to single sex school. what happens there is very disturbing and disgusting .. As for this lady , please just get married .. living with another woman causes competition and trouble . May GOD help you .
ReplyDeleteWhat is the matter with people that they feel they must get married, anyway? Many of us are not married, we do whatever we want and have a great life.
ReplyDeleteGirl I ll tell nt 2. U can take a man out of Nigeria buh u can't take Nigeria out of a man. Am sure u knw wat I mean. If u av doubts abt settling dwn. Den dnt. Just like kiky said. U nid 2 b sure u r nt a Lesbian 2 start w. Commitment is a urge step n am sure u wudnt like 2 end up w a broken home. U av d answer 2 ur challenge. Just search ursef.
ReplyDeleteDear, I agree wit Kiky but am kicking against d idea of not telling him.
ReplyDeleteDont 4get dat any little mistake or lie can ruin ur marriage.
it is disheartening toay when people say i am born again but still living in willful sins. i dont understand when many young people of today will desire to marry but never want to pay the price,is like wanting to eat their cake and want to have it. my sister the problem is that there is a foundational problem which you can only correct by prayer of deliverance. it seems to me that you only have lust for this man or let me rather say you just want him for yourselfish desire and not for the sake of having a life commitiment with him. i will advice you to open up with the man and tell him all your feelings so that you will not waste the time of this gentle man. you need to also give your life to Christ and confess all your sins to Him.
ReplyDelete