Dear Myne - I'm Finding it Hard to Forgive my Boyfriend

I met my boyfriend last year and we have been dating for several months ago. He's very kind-hearted, supportive, reliable, considerate and is a good christian.

Before we started dating, he told me about a girl he was close friends with for a year before we met. He had liked her very much and throughout that period wooed her, but she refused to date him. However they remained really close and did many things together. Most people that saw them together thought they were dating, but his friends knew otherwise and advised him to stop wasting time with her because her 'shakara' was too much. He then decided to stop trying to woo her and then moved on.

It was after that, that we met through a mutual friend who match-made us. I really liked him (still do very much) and he is everything I want in a man. I agreed to date him, despite the fact that we live far away from each other. He lives in another state, some hours away from my state, so we have a long-distance relationship. Even with that our relationship is really strong. He's my confidant. We talk everyday, tell each other everything, laugh, cry together and we visit each other some weekends or other times when we are not busy. We are both very committed to the relationship.

The last weekend I went to see him, we had lunch in his house, and while he was cleaning up, I took his phone and just looked through it playfully (we don't check each other's phones, so there was nothing I was looking for). I went to his text messages and then noticed something. I saw the name of someone that looked familiar. I had seen him once receive a text from the same person before and also speak to her on the phone. When he spoke with her on the phone then, he told her he was at a 'friend's' place (then he had come to visit me). I wasn't happy and told him then. He said it was just a girl that liked to disturb him and he didn't want to have to tell her he was with his girlfriend so she won't continue her wahala.


So now seeing that he had recent exchanges with this same girl had me curious. I opened the first text, still not suspecting anything. But I received shock. I thought I was dreaming. Starting from the bottom, I saw he said he missed her and had this crying smiley there..that same day he sent her the text, he had sent me a similar one that he was missing me too. Moving up, I saw that he was informing her about his whereabouts(things I thought he only told me) and called her 'baby'. It was like he was telling her the exact same things he was typing to me the same day.

After a number of kiss and hug smileys, conversations between them and seeing her 'I love u dearly' to him (which he actually didn't reply) I got another shock where I saw she referred to them as being in a relationship and asked him if he was in it for her body.

At this point I was confused, mad and sad.. I was confused because it was like I was reading some of his pings to me. He had already noticed I was looking at his phone and playfully tried to take it from me. He saw the serious look on my face and knew I wasn't in the mood for jokes. I dropped the phone angrily and asked him who he was texting with. He looked unperturbed, picked up his phone and read the text again, like it wasn't his phone.

At this point I was boiling, so ready to leave his house. We were silent for a while and he just kept staring at his phone. I had to force speech out of him. I felt like strangling him. He then continued to say I know the person, that it is that same girl he told me about that he was close to for a year before we started dating. I was really confused, because I thought it was a totally different person. I cried, shouted and demanded an explanation. Why didn't he ever tell me it was his former love interest that had that name, that day he spoke to her on the phone in front of me.

He sat me down and told me there was nothing between them. They were very close before, he liked her, she even liked him, but didn't agree to date him. He moved on, he told her he had moved on. But then she came back begging after some time and saying she was ready to have a relationship with him. He told her he wasn't interested anymore, she didn't relent and told him she really wanted him, she thought he was a really great guy and said whoever marries him is really lucky..blah blah.. And she would hold on till she really sees he's not interested.

Through all this he never told her for once that he has a girlfriend. He said, because of how close they were and what they shared before, he just couldn't cut her off. He doesn't like to hurt people, he didn't want to hurt her, so he entertains her calls and pings. Initially he didn't want to be replying her pings, but he felt bad. Gradually she became more and more expressive of her feelings for him and it had translated into the pings I saw, her saying she loved him(he made me know he didn't reply, which I saw he didn't), she misses him, talking about a relationship..

So he sort of indulged her all because he didn't want to hurt her and started to reply her pings in ways just to make her feel good..saying he misses her, calling her 'baby'(which he denies, saying he typed 'babe'. But I saw 'baby'...but now we have no proof, because that time he was staring at his phone he deleted her from his contact list). I asked him about the part where she mentioned a relationship etc..he said she just talks randomly most times like that and he ignores it (he didn't reply that part of the chat, although further down he asked what she meant by the relationship etc)

I was mad even with all he said and am still mad. Why did he lead her on, if he doesn't like her, why is he bent on not hurting her, if he doesn't like her? He claims not to have 'led her on', but just making sure she's not hurt. He admits that he knows he messed up, he should have just been firm with her and told her about our relationship, he admits he was careless in letting it go on and in not mentioning it to me, but he didn't know it would escalate to this and he didn't think it was anything that could threaten our relationship because he's not in love with her, but with me. He just didn't like the idea of cutting her off, because they were good friends

In his favour, my boyfriend is a really good person, kind-hearted like I mentioned before. He can't hurt a fly. One of the things that endears me to him. He's very considerate and puts himself in other people's shoes. I love him with all my heart, but I can't help but be angry for what he has done. It was like he was cheating on me. He said he wasn't. He doesn't like her, everything he said to her he didn't mean, he was just trying to appease her...etc

He begged and begged and looked really sad, because he was mad at himself, as he said. He even asked if I wanted to talk to her on the phone. I said no, since he's the one supposed to call her and tell her the truth. But he refused to call her while I was in his place. That's part of what is still making me sad. He said he'll find the right time, not then.

Before I left his house that day, we made up. I told him many things and made him promise not to ever make me doubt him again for even a second.

It was not until I was on my way home, in traffic that I thought about everything again. My anger increased and I let him know I was angry. I brought up everything again and asked the same questions.

I'm so mad at my bf. He keeps saying he's sorry. But I can't get over this. I don't want to talk to him. He's been calling and pinging, saying he can't concentrate and begging me to give him the benefit of the doubt. Although I don't want to let my anger, prevent me from remembering how much I love him, and how great a person he is, I want to make sure I'm not being stupid.

How do I know he's not hiding some more things? How do I know he doesn't still like her? Why won't he call her in front of me? How do I know he won't cheat on me in the future?

He has tried to convince me that he's a one man, one woman philosopher, but how do I believe him? I've never had cause to distrust him till this this and I've always thought highly of him. But now I see him a bit differently.

How do I learn to forgive my bf? Am I taking this too far. Please I need your advice.