Dear Myne, I hope you see this quickly and respond as soon as you can. Post it on your blog if possible cos i need other people to comment and advise me about this issue. I have been dating this guy for a while now. Quite frankly, its been a turbulent time for us both but especially for me. we have had serial arguments, quarrels, break-ups and every time we broke up i would swear it to be the last and even get to dating other guys but he always comes back and somehow we are still together.
I think most of our issues have stemmed from the fact that we were raised differently, he being through and through yoruba and I igbo. Two weeks ago, he proposed to me and rather than being joyful, suddenly all my doubts rose to the surface. Although he is a good man and a believing christian which is important to me, there are some other things which bother me a lot.
1. He watches a lot of porn and masturbates. when i first found all the porn on his phone and even stumbled onto him watching some on his laptop at work, i overlooked it for a bit as men are known to do that sometimes but over time i then noticed that he was somewhat addicted to both and it was affecting him and us (he would hardly ever cum when we had sex amongst other issues)so i spoke to him about it. he has allowed me delete all the porn he stored on his phone (there were so many!) and has promised to change that aspect of him but i know how these things go and worry that a man who doesn't need his woman to satisfy his needs will not make a good husband.
secondly, i also found out that he had been sending inappropriate messages to my bestfriend. i met him through the said best friend and the story is that before i moved to lagos, he had had a crush on her and had wanted to date her but she was married and so he dropped the issue. however, i had been sensing that he still had feelings for her which he would always deny and call me childish for raising.
Then a day after he proposed to me i was looking at his phone and found out that he had been sending her messages saying he still liked her, missed her, wanted to buy her lingerie and that with her by his side he could achieve anything (he even mentioned in one of the messages that she should please stop threatening to report him to me!)
Of course i confronted him with this and he has apologised and said that said he would never do that again also explaining that all this had started the last time we broke up cause he felt that i was going to marry one of my other suitors and leave him and so he had gone to my friend for help since she introduced us and that had started the inappropriate conversations. as you can imagine, all this is not helping me at all.
In fairness to him, all the issues we have had during our relationship the ones he could change he has changed or tried to adapt and he seems to be on the straight lately even praying with me all the time and stuff. I am under pressure from him to accept his proposal but i feel confused. what do i do?
So say no now, abi? Realise your life expectancy is very long, do you want to married to someone you really don't want to be married to (from your story) for the rest of your life? Marriage magnifies a lot of problems, if you can't deal with things now a ring will not make him a saint overnight. No is a perfectly reasonable answer to a proposal, or at least a 'not yet'.
ReplyDeleteNever go into marriage with big doubts, and these ones are huge!
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough one.
ReplyDeleteThe recent behaviour could only be 'acting'. give him sometime, tell him you will give him a response later (don't tell him when to expect it) and just watch. If he is pretending, he will get tired and return to his real self.
M'
I will say something and it is probably different from what most here are saying. Marriage is not a bed of roses, romance is good but not the only basis of marriage, a lot of marriages do without it. What am I saying? Nobody is perfect. You must see something in this guy and that is why you started dating him, and why your relationship has lasted this long. I don't know how old you are but if you think you are ready to get married, ask yourself, does this man showcase the four Ps - is he your protector, provider, producer, problem solver? If he is, then consider him seriously. If not, it may be time to realize that he's not the one for you and call it quits for the last time.
ReplyDeletefour Ps?????
DeleteIf he is going after your best friend though she's married, I see seeds of infidelity in him too. He will not respect your marriage.
ReplyDeleteHell to the no!!! Don't marry this man! This one stinks even from afar
ReplyDeleteI don't think both of you are ready. Say no now, or tell him to give you time.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, please don't marry this man. When people show you who they are, you better believe them. This man has shown you who he is. Run! He even has the guts to make frequent passes at your best friend. What other sign do you need?
ReplyDeleteMarriage is not a do or die affair. Things won't get better after you marry him. He won't change. If anything, he will display his truer colours. And knowing the Nigerian obsession with marriage, you probably won't divorce him.
My dear, run very far away. This is not the man for you. Do something else with your life. Marriage will come in its own time. And even if it doesn't come, you will be fine.
Good luck.
nawaoh. Are you jazzed
ReplyDeleteI guess you feel 'flattered' by the proposal and think maybe you're losing a 'great' chance of getting married. The breaking ups and coming back episodes is giving him the message that you're the kind that will put up with his 'issues'. If yours was a sexually abstinent relationship, one could've said he was hooked on porn because he wasn't getting any from you. But this is a clear case of porn overriding you. You already have a rival now even before marriage! You need to sit down and really decide what you want in a life partner, let your goal not be getting married but being happily married. The danger signals are all over him and marrying him is like commiting happiness-suicide.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel it in your heart and body, that's your holy spirit talking to you. Please listen to it. Most times we already know the answer before we ask the question. Pray about it and read the bible on how a man is suppose to treat his wife. It has all your answers.
ReplyDeleteexactly!
DeleteLet me ask the poster, what will you tell a friend who came to you with this dilemma. To go on? If not, then advie yourself and RUN!
ReplyDeleteSweetheart, I think deep down in your heart you already know what to do. I was also in your shoes. Accepted the ring knowing we had major issues but rationalised it all in my head until yawa gassed and God literally yanked me out and I knew it was the right thing, I had known all along. My sister,please run to God and surrender it all to Him and I mean ALL. Let Him guide you.
ReplyDelete