Short Story - This is What I Feel

By Kem Nathan-Gaul

I feel I am being pulled in many directions. I feel like I want to scream and the words just won’t come out. I feel like I am reaching out to grab his hand. Sometimes, I actually sit up and grab him. I know my grasp can be firm and painful. I would never intentionally hurt him. It’s just that in that moment of confusion, panic, and pain; a part of me remembers that he is a part of me. All I can think of is that if anyone can understand what is happening, he can.


Before it starts, I feel a rush. I feel like something is about to happen. A small part of me does not know what, but for the most part, I am well aware. A little voice in my head says, “Sit up. It happens only when you are asleep.” Many times, I sit up and it doesn’t escalate. I breathe a huge sigh of relief and go back to sleep. He squeezes me. His says, “I am here. Always; forever.” I wake up feeling triumphant. I love to sleep. I have grown to cherish uneventful nights.

When I am not so lucky, it goes on. 40, 50, 60 seconds of terror. I feel like I am choking. I slip into unconsciousness, then into a deep sleep. I wake up feeling like I have been in a fight. My body is sore and I just want to keep sleeping. Most of all, I want to cry. I say a prayer. In the past, that prayer was always of, “God, why me!” Now, it is more, “Thank you God that I am unhurt. I refuse to give up believing that one day this will be history”. It is hard.

There is a sick humor to the whole situation. It is almost like this thing knows when NOT to happen. Some of my best friends don’t even know my story. It seems only my nearest and dearest are privy to this madness. You should see the shock on their faces when I say, “I have seizures.” They wonder how come they have never seen me seize. Some of them have lived with me, slept with me, partied with me… No, not everyone can understand. I don’t need your pity. Just a little sensitivity. I am not dying, at least not yet, I just have epilepsy.

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Kem Nathan-Gaul is an aspiring writer who dreams by day and counts sheep at night. She likes to make funny faces, read mystery novels, listen to love songs and watch tear-provoking dramas. She is a die-hard lover of Sex and the City, Criminal Minds and Dexter. She is married to Art Director and dog lover, Nathan, whose heart she conquered and who helped her conquer her dog phobia. They live in what she calls, “the little house on Hastings”.