Dear Myne, this post couldn't have come in at a better time. My boyfriend and I are so in love & we plan on getting married. The only recurring problem we have is on religion. He's a christian & I'm not. & NO! I do not plan to convert before or after getting married. We both knew that fact when we met, became friends & got into a relationship. He was cool with it, but lately it's been a serious issue that almost broke us up & it scares me so much that it will sooner or later.
I do not plan to make him convert to mine though. In my religion, I have learnt that one's relationship with God is personal. I love God in my own way & I'm willing to let him & everyone else love God the best way they can. Everything else has been amazing (although we have little misunderstandings like every other relationship & we always sort those out).
I love this man so much & I'm not willing to let go. He's not perfect, neither am I. To be fair, I understand where he's coming from because there are questions like 'what religion would we raise our children?', 'where are we going to get married?', 'would Sunday mornings not be awkward?', etc. I've asked him to meet me halfway (although I really don't know what halfway is on this matter). I'm also scared that I'll become a different person from who he fell in love with if I choose to convert. We all know that religion shapes us all into the people we become.
My religious beliefs have shaped me into the woman I am today, the woman he loves & the woman he wants to spend forever with. It's all so confusing & It's been weighing me down every single day since the 'almost breakup' & I really don't want it to affect our relationship. I've seen some posts in the past weeks similar to this & I've been resisting putting it out here, but I just can't anymore.
Thanks Myne. I'm anticipating your reply. And to everyone who decides to add a comment on this, please be fair 'cause he'll be reading this too. Thanks!
Dante's Sunshine
This question came in under this post - changing your name and religion for marriage. My Response
Dear Sunshine, I agree with you that religion is a big part of who we are, but also we grow everyday. If we can go to school and acquire knowledge so easily, surely the least we can do is try to know more about the new religion? If it is something we can live with and train our children right within, then surely love should cover all. You know God is love in most religions :)
What I'm saying is this. Since your BF is reading too, both of you should try to learn more about each other's religions, don't be so hardline. Attend each other's services once or twice. This will help you make the decision on who to convert, you or him, and also whether it's best to stay with your religions knowing you now understand better and can live with separate religions. The discussion can now focus on how to bring up the children.
IMO, bringing up children in a specific religion is not meant to indoctrinate them to become fundamentalists, but to have a solid and moral background with stories and models on treating people right, and an appreciation of authority and God.
All the best as you make your decision.
I will not sugar coat it...you guys need to go your separate ways. Point period blank!
ReplyDeleteOuch Anonymous!
ReplyDeleteWell, its best to find a way to sort these issues of how the kids will be raised etc before u marry. Its going to be a big issue. Love doesn't cure everything.
Does ur boyfriend truly not mind going to Church and allowing his kids to decide to come with him or not?
Do u truly not mind that u don't have d same spiritual understanding?
Are u both ready for the 3rd party interference that will show up? Cos trust me, it will happen.
These things will be an issue later and that's the truth.
Anonymous may have been harsh but the suggestion seems like a most probable option.
Ouch Anonymous!
ReplyDeleteWell, its best to find a way to sort these issues of how the kids will be raised etc before u marry. Its going to be a big issue. Love doesn't cure everything.
Does ur boyfriend truly not mind going to Church and allowing his kids to decide to come with him or not?
Do u truly not mind that u don't have d same spiritual understanding?
Are u both ready for the 3rd party interference that will show up? Cos trust me, it will happen.
These things will be an issue later and that's the truth.
Anonymous may have been harsh but the suggestion seems like a most probable option.
@Anon. Ouch!!! That hurt. Well it's easier said than done. If you could walk a minute in our shoes, then maybe you'd understand. Thanks all the same
ReplyDeleteDante's Sunshine
Spirituality and religion are such vital aspects of our lives that sometimes, you really have to look beyond emotions to make decisions that will affect you in decades to come, as well as others -the children you are going to bring forth.
ReplyDeleteChoose wisely.
You can do as Myne said, knowing this issue of difference of religion will always be a recurring decimal, or you can end it now and find someone that shares your faith. I know which one I'll choose.
ReplyDeleteMyne I concur with you.
ReplyDeleteThe way i see it is...do you have a mutual respect and understanding of each other's religion. I can understand wanting to stick to your respective ones but do you have a respect for the other person's choice?
Using the two popular religions in Nigeria - Islam and Christianity as examples, I know of a couple where the Muslim husband picks/drives wife to church, joins her once in a year for some church activity. Same for the wife. Celebrates his Sallah days appropriately etc. That is a healthy respect.
You drag heads when there is an innate 'superior attitude' - mine is better than yours. If that's the issue, pls have a rethink about the relationship.
That is also what creates the foundation for the kids. You are not training kids to be 'religious'. you are training them to love and respect their neighbour and believe that their actions are accountable to a higher being - God. Trust me, they will find their own feet if both of you do it right.
There are many inter-religious couple to model yourselves on if that is what you need. Very impotant is respect and understanding. Even people who attend the same church have other major differences that they still need to work out.
ReplyDelete