Domestic Violence is beyond Single Vs Married

Earlier this morning, my Buzz timeline showed one of my media sites' report on the man who killed and dismembered his wife of 2 years. It was so upsetting for me that I tweeted a bit about it about how it seemed that some things were changing for the worse in Naija these days.

During my rounds, I found that Kemi of Till my Dying Day blogged of the shocking news in a post titled In Defense of....

Someone somewhere wrote about this story and understandably tied the tragedy in with "marriage people". I understand the intention and stemming from reports that this particular marriage had had a history of violence and physical abuse, I get it. Nonetheless, my reaction is to say wait a minute, not all marriage is bad.

She goes on to defend marriage, and from what she wrote, I get her stand, and even support it to some extent. However, I think it is such defense that will keep the lines drawn between us women. IMHO, the "We against Them" mentality is not very helpful. My thoughts -

Is there a societal pressure in Nigeria to get and stay married? Yes. Is it ONLY in Nigeria? No.

Was there a history of DV in this case? Yes. Are we CERTAIN marital abuse lead to this death? No.

Does DV happen in marriages? Yes. Does it happen ONLY in marriages? No.

Domestic Violence is not about marriage because unmarried people have been attacked and killed in domestic situations. And while it disproportionately affects women, it's also not about gender because men have been victims of DV.

I believe DV is about power and anger management. So whether one is married or single, male or female, they have to be self-aware and protect themselves. If you find yourself in long heated arguments with loved ones and family (even colleagues), please walk away. Don't be a victor, don't be a victim. You could be finished (in jail or psych ward) or you could be dead. There is no winner.

How to get more comments for your blog - 2

You can read the first part HERE where I list the first rule as leaving comments on other people's blogs. Making your posts interesting,  ensuring your comment system works, and removing the word verification will also go a long way. More things you could do include;

Respond to your own comments. Blogger makes this a bit hard for us but I think it's only polite, especially when someone asks you a question. I personally go back when I've asked a question on a blog to check if the blogger responded and I try to do it on my blog. In fact, I put in comment moderation on my older posts so I can check and respond if necessary. Ginger asked about comments on old posts on her blog, and I have to say I find them extra interesting.

Cut your posts short. I'm still learning on this one. Being the novel writer I am, please forgive any lapses if I tend to go on and on, lol. But hey, when I start sharing my new WIP, I won't apologize o so be warned. Some use the long post alert at the beginning of their posts and that can be helpful.  I then know to come back for it depending on whether the topic seems interesting or not.

Put a question of the day. This is like a call to action, and most of us respond very instinctively. The question should be related and summarize your post for those who are in a hurry, like me when I'm on my blog rounds. They also help the reader to gather their thoughts as they start to comment.

Make rules for Blogfests/ Memes/ Giveaways less difficult. I may have been a victim of these since I do a lot of such posts. The truth is that as much as we love blogging and giveaways, it can become a chore. Like when a blogger asks you to leave a FB status, tweet, write a blog, and then bring ten people to follow them and comment on their giveaway post, all for a $5 Amazon card. Hello? LOL...the easiest giveaway rule is to ask those interested to leave a comment. H of His and Her once had a giveaway of my books with some very long strings attached, even me I fear.

Put some commentary on your picture posts. I learnt this the hard way. I love taking pictures and I decided to share them with my blog readers over the weekends. I had to review this when I observed that while traffic did not drop, I was getting less than 10 comments on the posts. Interestingly, things improved when I added some commentary, either at the beginning, the end, or in between for each picture. Nikkisho latest FOTD comes to mind on this point.

And so we come to the end of today's post. Not too long I hope? Do you have any other pointers?

ps, to H and Nikkisho, not calling you girls out o. You know I still gbadu your blogs, right?

Michelle Obama in South Africa - A woman after my heart.

Question: What do you think of women who quit their jobs for their husbands and families?

Sometime in April, I wrote a blog about how I consider myself a role model, and how I also like to acknowledge those that motivate me. One of those women is Michelle Obama.

I was earlier conflicted in 2008 when I first got to know about the Obamas and found out she reluctantly cut back on her job to follow her husband on the campaign trail. I emphasize reluctantly because I believe in a woman freely making their choices for a career, a marriage, children or all of them, and giving their all to whatever they choose. Well, when Obama won the presidency, she quit the job, softened her image to suit popular opinion, and made me go huh?!

But I have to give it to her now. She has since hit her stride, and each day, my admiration of her mounts. She supports the politics that interest her (like Pay Equity for women), and has followed her other passions (like the Let's Move campaign against childhood obesity). She is not superwoman, she does not run the world, but IMO she rules her world. Grace Machal said, "She is a feminist by practice, without shouting slogans." and I concur. Most importantly, she wants to affect/change lives and thereby leave a legacy.

Keep shining the light Michelle.

Taking joy in what she does, and carrying her children along too so they can learn by example.

Atala Writes - Notes from the Road Trip (2)

Happy weekend everyone, hope the work days went well? Thanks to everyone who contributed to the discussion on Immigration, I appreciated all the different viewpoints. And now Atala's notes continue, please read the first part HERE and leave comments o! LOL...

Pulitzer Winner is an Illegal Alien - My thoughts

I've had the immigration debate with several people over the years, and when I found I was falling in love with an immigrant into the US, I had to make sure we were on the same page. This was because of the distortion of psyche Jose Antonio Vargas explains below, and one I never wanted to find in myself.

My Life as an Undocumented Immigrant - NYTimes.com - Jose Antonio Vargas

"It was an odd sort of dance: I was trying to stand out in a highly competitive newsroom, yet I was terrified that if I stood out too much, I’d invite unwanted scrutiny. I tried to compartmentalize my fears, distract myself by reporting on the lives of other people, but there was no escaping the central conflict in my life. Maintaining a deception for so long distorts your sense of self. You start wondering who you’ve become, and why."

I feel some sympathy for Vargas, and for some others who immigrated as children and had no control over their parents' or guardians' choices to move without papers. However, my instinct is that as an adult, they should make that effort to return to their original country and then if necessary, find a way back to the country where they want to be.

For those who are already adults and choose to leave their country and settle in another without the required documentation that grants you permanent residency or citizenship, I do wonder, what are they thinking?

As someone who has lived as an immigrant in both the UK and the US, I have come across many Nigerians who are illegals, call it undocumented or what have you. The truth is that by making that choice to overstay a tourist visa, student visa, or expired H1B, you're putting yourself in a position where you can't help but lie to get by. You lie to get social security, lie to get a license, lie to get into school, lie to get a job. Lie, lie, lie, how can they bear it?

And say you're a single woman, or man, you may even find yourself lying in your personal relationships, you may get married on a lie (Green card marriage), and what if you end up married to a fellow illegal - which happens often - what about your illegal-born American children? Do people realize it's no more automatic, and the children could get deported along with them too if they're caught? Some states in America are in the process of setting up laws to discriminate against illegals in such a way that it even affects their legal children, especially when it comes to food stamps and other government benefits. But do I really blame them?

And here I come to the weightiest part for me personally. My number one life motto is FREEDOM. Inside and out. Vargas had an apparent freedom, but in his head he was in prison. He could not travel out of the US, and had not seen his family in the Philippines for almost 20 years. What kind of life is that? For me, I want to do whatever I like with my life, go wherever I want, and live wherever I want.

Most of all, I want to be free to achieve whatever I can. It breaks my heart to see talented and skilled people waste themselves in under-the-table jobs just because they're illegals in a country. I wish more people will realize how important it is to maximize your life, both for your own sake and for that of whatever country you happen to live in.

What are your thoughts on this matter? If you'll prefer to drop comments as Anonymous, I've turned it on specifically for this.

Atala Writes - Notes from the Road Trip (1)

Did I tell you guys that Atala wanted to share some notes about our trip? This is not a narrative, just short bytes that stuck with him. Enjoy...

- We left Seattle on Saturday morning around 8am and what a difference mountains make. As soon as we crossed the Cascades, it was goodbye woodland and wetness... hello scrub and sunshine. The reduced vegetation enabled us to see the wide blue sky touch the horizon, and at first, my reaction was 'wow'! But after a while, I began to miss the clouds in the sky, especially because the further south we went, the hotter it became.

Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria Videos - Charismatic girl deciphered.

So the MBGN contest is coming up in a few days and the organizers are really utilizing the social media to get the word out. I made a comment on one of the first blogs about the video immediately below where the girls/applicants make the case for why viewers should vote for them. I'm guessing these days judges votes are combined with votes via phone and SMS. Watch the video first...



So I asked on the blog, is it that these are ALL the girls that applied, and the organizers had no choice but to pick them all. Because they spanned the spectrum from some manageable girls to the complete disasters, and I was thinking it was impossible to have selected these finalists form a pool that included worse applicants. I spoke too soon, check the video below...

Romance on a Road Trip - Salt Lake City, Utah

Hello people, welcome to another week. I want to use this opportunity to welcome all my new followers and commenters. I'm still catching up after our vacation, and if I haven't visited, followed or commented on your blog recently, please let me know in the comments. Now to today's post from one of our stops - Salt Lake City.

Well, you all know I'm a champion for public displays of affection, where I might disagree is with those who want to climb into each other's throats as a definition of affection. If you wanna get sexual, find a room already, lol. Anyway, something happened during our trip and I couldn't help falling in love all over again.

Picture Weekend - Romance on a Road Trip (1)

So you guys know I'm all for public displays of affection, where I might disagree with those who want to climb into each other's throat is the definition of affection. If you wanna get sexual, find a room already, lol. Anyway, something happened during our trip and I couldn't help falling in love all over again.

So we got to Salt Lake City in the evening after a long drive, and I was happy to check in to our hotel and freshen up. Though the clock said 6pm, the sun was so high in the sky and HOT! We decided to relax and wait for it to cool a bit. Not wanting to while away the city, we made plans to hit it for a movie and dinner out.

Sunshine Award

So a few days ago, Rhapsody Phoenix, of Rapping on a Melody gifted me with the Sunshine Award pictured above. This is what she had to say about it, "Please keep the blessing going by gifting 10 people with the award letting them know their contribution to bloggersville is appreciated and what they have to say matters." Thank you Rhapsody.

So because I've got double portion sunshine, I'll be passing it on to the following 20 people who always bring sunshine into my life with their blogs, comments, and actions - online and offline. They never fail. Thank you all...