Pregnancy or Baby Before Marriage?

Paul Okoye with new born child

I doubt if this has always been this way, our parents and grandparents usually got married between 2 - 3 months of being match made. However, when I was in my twenties, I heard from some men that if we got together with a plan to get married, they would like if I got pregnant before the wedding, both traditional and church. This was specifically directed at me by one so-called suitor, but most times it was in general discussions and most men there would also reveal this same wish.

I saw it as a way for some of them to state up front that they wanted sex before marriage, others of course were more plain, they wanted to test the woman's fertility as marriage for them was primarily for procreation and they made no bones about it. Forget the fact that they could be the one with infertility issues, leading to some women who would sleep with other men in order to nab another man with the pregnancy.

Also, with pentecostal Christianity sweeping Nigeria by the time I left the country, I had kind of assumed this would stop the culture of baby before marriage as principles of abstinence were promoted. Then there was also the HIV and STI crisis that also rose up in the early noughties and how condoms and zip up were a big parts of the ABCs of prevention.

So how come this seems to still be a big part of the courtship procedure, and even among the Christians?

Dear Myne - I Like to Do Wild Things in the Bedroom

Hello Myne, I don't mean to stir the nest, but can someone here tell me if oral sex (and all that stuff) is permissible in a good Christian marriage? I am in the process of getting married and this question has begun to nag seriously on my mind because I like to do wild things in the bedroom. I know because I am not a virgin, although I am now back in God's will and have been for a while. I can't ask this question in Church because I am not sure how it would be received. Very eager to hear what everyone here thinks of this and thanks in advance to everyone who'll give their opinion.

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We have  discussed Nigerian men and oral sex here, and what I think the bible says about it here. But what about other wild things, like vibrators, kegel balls, cock rings, edible panties, flavored condoms, even bondage. Should I add anal and whips to the list? Too 50 Shades of Grey? OK, I agree, but what is permissible for good Christian marriages? Let's discuss.

Between Bloggers And Celebrities - A Measure of Influence

Two fighting

Are Bloggers really that influential in Nigeria? I know some bloggers also write for tabloids, but the drama seems focused on blogs and on social media. For those in Nigeria, do you find that most people you know also visit the same blogs you do? What of those not in your social circle, on the BRT, the departmental stores and the market? Are bloggers quoted on the radio, newspapers and TV?

Is it that we readers and bloggers inside and outside Nigeria are just seeing a small perspective of few Nigerians with access to the internet and social media and it is magnified in our eyes? Is it that the Nigerians who may be up to 60% without internet are not part of the celebrity culture, and so do not really factor? I want to know if that's some people like to make mountains out of molehills?

Do you believe it is very important for celebrities to respond to each and every tabloid news about them by releasing PR to blogs and Youtube? Some say they are doing it for their family, but can you not call them on the phone, or call a family meeting? And what do you think of the saying, "a clean conscience fears no accusation?"

It would be even more interesting to hear from those living outside Lagos, Benin, PH and Abuja, these are the places my statcounter say most of my Nigerian visitors come from. I know my family in Asaba and Onitsha didn't know much about blogs.

You may not understand the genesis of this post, if so just take it as a random post, but please oblige me if you will. For those that do, even better...

What is the Ideal Age to Get Married?

A rather interesting topic, one that is apparently becoming, or has become a rather serious issue for Nigerian “eligible” men and women, is that they are looking and not finding marriage partners. Some are even totally uninterested in marriage. This is my second post [read first post here] in a series compiling my responses and expanded thoughts on the topic. One I am sure many on this blog would be very familiar with.

I approached this from two perspectives:

First, is there indeed a problem? And secondly, why do we seem to have the problem?

Let us take a look at: Is there indeed a problem?

I honestly believe it does no good to rush into marriage. While there might be several advantages of getting married early, if you are not fortunate enough to be one of those who got married early, I think that is absolutely fine.

I think it might be a good thing that Nigerians are no longer rushing into marriage. If most would be very honest with themselves, within the age range in Nigeria where you are most times expected to get married, you barely know anything about life, especially your life. Parents, family and society want women to be married before they are 25 years old and men I guess before 35, in fact many times before 30. (as the parents want him to bring home a youthful potential grandchild bearing 25 year old bride…lol)

Do We Need Match-Makers in Nigeria?

Someone directed me to this query below on a message board. Do you think there is such a crisis of alienation that it requires a call for match-makers to fix up eligible men and women in Nigeria? A kind of Ready for Love TV show maybe? Read the question below and let's discuss.

Where are the Nigerian match makers? I think we have a crisis on our hands! Right now I know several young women and several young men who are looking but not finding. What is happening anyway?

The babes are saying that the men are not asking and those that ask are only looking for a meal ticket. The boys are mostly not saying but when they do say, they give the impression that babes have become too much to even want to deal with.

As far as I see, there is no shortage of boyfriends and girlfriends but these friendships are not becoming marriages! What's wrong?

Women Better Off Without Bras - Study

Apparently, we women have to forget everything we ever knew about bras. If you think bras support your back, give you a better posture, or prevent your breasts from sagging, you may have to think again. The researcher in charge of a French study, has published his results, and they suggest that "wearing a bra does nothing to reduce back pain, and the chest supports actually cause increased breast sagging."

According to Rouillon, a sports science expert, the lesson to be learned from the preliminary results of his marathon experiment is that "bras are a false necessity".

"Medically, physiologically, anatomically - breasts gain no benefit from being denied gravity. On the contrary, they get saggier with a bra," [Source]

Again like most studies like this, there are limitations in sample size and selection. All the women involved in the study were aged between 18 and 35, and even Rouillon acknowledges that his less than a thousand group are not a representative of the global population of females. So if you're over 35 and live outside of France, this may not be applicable to you.

What do you think, time to throw away our bras? I do without bras sometimes because of my relatively itty-bitty breasts, though never when I'm dressed to go out formally, but what of the 50DDDs?

Adventures of a Miss!! Episode 6

"Does she work in Abuja or something?" Semi is now scrolling through all her Instagram pictures. I hadn’t noticed how all the pictures were all of her, like no Muhammad at all. It’s sort of strange for a woman who has been married for more than 3 years to not have any pictures of her husband"

While I was thinking about it, I had missed the jist Semi was giving Tayo and I. "Please start again, I wasn’t listening" I said to Semi.

"I said this woman has a boyfriend now, can’t you hear me" We can always trust Semi to be dramatic. “She has a boyfriend that is not her husband Muhammad in Abuja”
“How do you know that Semi, look at the picture again oh” Tayo warns

"You know that conference class I told you I attended while I was in Abuja for a couple of months for work?" She started.

Semi dived into her story about how Zainab was in the same group as her for their 4 week long class and she was certain that Zainab was sleeping with another married man in Abuja during her stay there. The guy’s name was Kola, he’s well known in Abuja for his lavish lifestyle and his wife knows about his affairs but doesn’t do anything about it. She had seen the man leave Zainab's hotel room several times very early in the morning and even caught them kissing one day before class. Everyone in the class knew they were sleeping together, but since no one knew Zainab was married, everyone just assumed she was a home wrecker but kept quiet about it. She had recently seen Zainab with the guy in Lagos too, out at a club that wasn’t that famous. She went there with her husband and his friend who was visiting but didn’t want to go to places that would be crowded.

Tribute Night For Justus Esiri

Dr Sid - Justus Esiri's son

Veteran actor Justus Esiri died in February [See President Jonathan's Tribute here], and will be buried soon. The Actors’ Guild of Nigeria, a few days ago organised a tribute night in honour of the late actor.

The event had Dr Sid representing the Esiri family, and so many Nollywood actors I hadn't seen in a while including Olu Jacobs, Kanayo O Kanayo, Akeem Rahman, Fred Amata, and Racheal Oniga. Other actors present included Desmond Elliot, Rita Dominic, Ini Edo, Kate Henshaw, among others.

#tbt - Pre-Wedding Pictures: Gbenga Salu and Tope Oshofisan

For today's throw back Thursday, I'm giving a shout out to Gbenga Salu and his long time girlfriend, Temitope Oshofisan, who are getting married on April 20th, 2013. I loved the theme of these pictures which look like they were taken in the sixties or seventies. Since I already shared pictures of my self today, I decided to use this #tbt salute Tope and Gbenga's creativity and wish them the best in their wedding preparations, and in their marriage too.

The Hair Wars - Team Natural or Team Relaxed

So I made a huge decision about my hair recently. I've never been a natural hair nazi, but I did have an aha moment about natural hair that made me keep mine for so long. I don't know if I've said it before but when I first cut my hair, it was because of a hair accident, and the plan was to switch back to relaxed as it grew. After about 6 months, I texturized it as a first step. It still had curls but not as tight as usual.

While in that state, we went to see my brother in law and his family. His two years old daughter who had natural hair was so excited to see my hair, and followed me around everywhere, and each time I carried her, her hands went to my hair, touching it and then hers, or just rubbing it in a soothing way.

It was such an eye-opener for me on how having an adult woman with natural hair around them would definitely affect a young girl, and how they viewed themselves, and their hair. That was also the time around when we had just started trying to concieve and I was like, if I'm going to have a daughter who will come into this world with tight curls on her head, then mine had to be the same way. When we got back from the trip, I gradually trimmed my hair till the texturized part was gone.