The air was smoky from the kerosene lamps and candles whose flames flickered into the darkness.
SO what do you think?
Monday, February 7, 2011
First Lines
Posted in:
Memes
Thanks to Brenda Drake, I'll be sharing the first line of A Love rekindled with you today. The book is mainstream contemporary romance and starts with a nightmare....
SO what do you think?
SO what do you think?
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I like your first line, but I am concerned that it doesn't introduce a character or a problem...just a setting is introduced. (It's done very well, but I guess I need more information...)
ReplyDeleteI am with Sharon here too. Need more clues...
ReplyDeleteHow are you doing?
PS: Please what Happened to Efe and Kevve?
I like the visualization the line possesses, but I would love to read more characterization in here.
ReplyDeleteIt is a really nice scene setting sentence, but it offered no insight into the book or the characters. It would have been nice to get a little more from it.
ReplyDeleteLOVE the imagery--it really sets the tone. Like the other commentors, I'm wondering who's there--I need someone to connect to in order to get invested in the story.
ReplyDeletePS--You've got a lovely blog!!
I agree that I would like more of an indication of who the character is and what the book is about. But I don't think you can do that and talk about kerosene lamps in the same sentence without making it too wordy.
ReplyDeleteIt's a beautiful but stand-alone sentence, so it doesn't make me think, "I wonder what will happen next?" It only makes me think, "Ooo, that was nice." As much as I love this sentence, I think you'd be a lot more likely to win if you tried something else.
I'm going to agree with the other comments here in that this sentence only sets the scene.
ReplyDeleteNormally that wouldn't be an issue for me, but you also state that it's describing a nightmare. So I assume the MC is going to wake up and be out of the place you just described?
However, your sentence is a lovely one and does a GREAT job at description.
Christi Corbett
Thank you all so much, I see how it would not grab now. There's the sentence after that where the character comes in. I could start with that.
ReplyDelete@Olufunke, they're doing good. Their story is with the publishers now. :) I hope to have it out by March/April.
I didn't think of this as missing characterization until I read the other comments. I can see what they're saying, but it's not the first thought that occurs to me.
ReplyDeleteInstead, I would just suggest rearranging the wording to make the setting tighter. I don't see a problem with getting description first when your setting it so compelling. Maybe something more active than passive:
Kerosene lamps and candles flickered in the darkness, filling the air with smoke.
I like this line - but I think you could inject some character in there too. Right now its just imagery. Maybe add something about the protag's eyes watering, or throat burning from the smoke irritating it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for dropping by my blog.
I love the imagery in this sentence and would read on to find out more about the characters and what's going on. Like others have said, we need a sense of that in order to continue. While I don't think you necessarily need it right in the first line, I hope you give us a few clues in the next sentences. Beautifully written, though!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the different opinions, it's good to have it varied like that.
ReplyDeleteI agree with several other comments — this feels evocative and rich, but I wouldn't open with it — just for the contest, that is. If the rest of the paragraph is nicely rendered, then you should have enough to hook readers.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to take so long to read your entry!
ReplyDeleteI loved the imagery of your sentence and didn't have a problem with no characterisation; you can do that in the second sentence.
However, the use of the word 'whose' felt awkward to me. I liked Loralie's suggestion - it flowed better.
I definitely like the image it paints in my mind, however I think you may have too many descriptive words packed into one sentence:
ReplyDeleteThe air was smoky from the kerosene lamps and candles whose flames flickered into the darkness.
The main bit I flickered an eyelid over was "flames flickered". and the "whose", I guess. The sentence just feels a bit too long, I think.
I think it's good thus far...I trust you and know that the sentences that follow will give more incite to the characters, etc!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much! I appreciate and the feedback has been used.
ReplyDelete