Speaking Out - Why I Had to Leave My Sexless Marriage Of Seven Years

Tessa Writes of her Experience;

I truly empathise with the author and understand cos I have been there before. seven years ago, at the age of 29, I married a man who "presumably" loved me. We have 2 lovely girls together, but he has only slept with me on 8 occasions! Unlike the author of this post, I was not a virgin when I got married. I got married at the prime of my youth to a man whom I have to literally beg all the time to sleep with me.

I felt so useless and worthless, tried talking to him, talk to my in-laws, all to no avail. At the age of 36, I realised he was never going to change and I knew there was no way I could spend the rest of my life in bondage. He had even stopped sharing our matrimonial bed, if my body touches his at night, I could feel him cringe. He sleeps on the edge of the bed and bought his own duvet so we don't have to share. Trust me, that is not a situation you ever wish even on your worse enemy.

I thought about what my family would say, what my friends would say and lastly what my church would say. Like the author, myself and my husband are very strong and devoted workers in my church. Then I realised that I was the one living in this bondage and even though his family knew about my frustrations(I never complained to my own family) and my pastor knew about it, there was really nothing they could do. I went to God in prayer and told Him that he said in his word that he is the husband to the widow and that am a widow as far as am concerned. Mind you, this husband of mine does not provide for me or the kids. I know some pple will find this hard to believe, but it is the truth and I have never really explained to anyone in details until this forum.

So, I started looking for a house and moved out with my kids. As usual, the church started raising its head and rebuking me for leaving my matrimonial home. The only answer I had for anyone who called me was that "I know what I went through in my marriage and if I decided to leave with my kids then they should know I have had enough".

Yes, they came with all sorts of Bible verses about how God hates divorce blablabla. And I referred them to the bible story of Judah, his sons and his daughter-in-law(Tamara). God hated the evil of Judah's son towards Tamara so much so that He(God) slew him. I did not have to open my mouth to say a single word in my defense. Somehow, the truth started unraveling itself and people started seeing what was happening in my marriage without me saying a word.

I have been on my own with my kids for over 7months now and I have never one day lacked for anything that I need. I have always been hardworking and now I have doubled my efforts. Initially, people thought I left my marriage for another man and they have secretly been monitoring me. But they have seen that all I do is go to work, come home, take my kids to school and back. That is why I am a very tough and loud voice for all women to be financially capable.

Please no one should castigate this lady for what is happening, it is not her fault and will never be, even in the next world to come. Someone said in one of the comments that she should not be coming to a forum like this to say what happened in her marriage and that maybe she is even acting the victim. To that fellow, I have this to say, "You can never judge someone until you have worn their shoes". You don't even have to walk in their shoes, just wear the shoes for a minute and feel it!

Just like her, I did not have any sexual intercourse with my husband till after marriage. I will not be making that mistake again.

To the author I have this advise, "Learn to love you, no one can ever love you better than you love yourself. Whatever is happening is not your fault, you deserve happiness. Whatever you decide to do, know that YOU DO NOT OWE ANYBODY ANY EXPLANATION!!!

[This comment came in under My Husband and I Have Not Had Sex Since We Got Married. If YOU need to speak out about relationship issues you can also email myne@mynewhitman.com]