Ignorance, Sex, Relationships and Religion - Who Is Fooling Who?

By Onyinye Orabuike

Once two men walked into our Lagos office and demanded to speak with the manager. They offered to do a comprehensive computerised health check for us, and they said it was for free. Why not? They started with Dan. They got to me last and I was eager to begin.

They inserted something that looked like a pencil with liquid inside and asked me to hold still. I was a little surprised that was all they came with for the test. I sort of expected to see a large computer screen that would outline all my organs and their state of health. He read the liquid pencil and told me I had lucomasto...., it was no use attempting to pronounce it so I asked him the implications instead.


He told me the symptoms include feeling some sharp pains on the flat of my feet. Surprisingly I had never experienced such and I told him so.

Again, he said it could also make one to have protruded tummy, which would in turn make it difficult for the person to conceive. I didn’t mean to laugh but couldn’t stop myself. The reason is I was four months pregnant at that time but of course only me knew. He asked why I was laughing but I begged him to just continue.

One other thing, he continued, was that when I meet with a man it would all spill out. I laughed again and asked him to advise me on what else I could do if for instance I didn’t have a man in my life. He gave me a confused smile but said nothing to that. I had thought that he meant that if I sleep with a man the disease will spill out.

My colleagues explained to me later that he meant that because of the presence of the infection, when I make love to my husband  the sperm will all pour out, obscuring the chances of conception.

I couldn’t stop laughing. I didn’t realise until later that I was making him uncomfortable. The whole thing all seemed funny. He said he was through with me, but I didn’t think I had gotten what I really wanted so I begged him to stay. What I really wanted to know was how healthy my organs are. When he said that apart from the infection he mentioned I was completely healthy, I laughed again.

Ok, what about my genotype and blood group. He checked again, and told me that I am blood group 0 positive and my genotype is AA. I screamed and began to claim it. I explained to him that it was a miracle because previous tests showed AS and 0-.  He smiled and left before I could stop him again.

It was after they left that the truth came out. They sold us a dummy. They diagnosed all the women in office of the same disease and the men they diagnosed exactly the same thing- sexual and fertility related infection.

All the women had Loco..whatever and all the men had too much sugar around the waist, and this they said, could impair fertility. The interesting part was they came with just the medicine that would nail the deadly disease for good.

Dan was the first to buy. He was getting wedded in less than two months time and he didn’t want any story. Kunle bought also, even our manager bought.  Ayo, our secretary bought, in fact she borrowed money to buy. The rest that didn’t buy was because they didn’t have the cash. It was as if the men hoodwinked them and the scales fell off only after they were gone.

It was all so funny that they didn’t even mention anything about drug to me. I didn’t know they sold drugs until they had gone. It must have been obvious to them that I wouldn’t buy into it. I guess that having been in the business for long, it was easy for them to know a spoilsport when they see one.

One other thing that worked in their favour was that they attended to me last, if I were to be the first person they met, I daresay no one would have bought into it. It wasn’t as if I started off distrusting them but the whole thing sounded funny and downright entertaining and I couldn’t stop laughing. I sincerely though they were trying to pull my leg.

Back to what made my colleagues buy into tricks. Infertility and sexual dysfunction is on the increase and it is said to be the issue behind most failed marriages so the fear is very real.  A lot of couples have issues because of sexual incompatibility, inexperience and ignorance inclusive, hence relationship experts advocate for intending couples to study themselves and make sure that they are sexually compatible before tying the knot.

Religion, on the other hand tells you that fornication or premarital sex is sinful. Young people are exhorted to abstain from all sexual experience and get married as virgins. But this sometimes lead to a lot of problems. What if the man turned out to be impotent or infertile?  What if the woman if frigid.  And marriage is supposed to be for better for worse.

I heard a true story of a born-again christen that got married the Christian way and later discovered that the husband didn’t have scrotum.

Recently I heard a story of a woman whose husband had not touched her for the past 18 months. He said simply that he is not the sex type, and when she tried to initiate sex he called her a prostitute. It was very clear they didn’t have real courtship or they would have discovered they weren’t compatible.

What would I tell my children when they grow up, shout I tell them to date or not to date? Where should one draw the line? As much as I believe the teachings of the church, that premarital sex is sinful, I know that there is a need for real courtship before marriage, just where to draw the line is what I haven’t quite figured out.